I Can't Believe People Actually Hate Crystal??? Like That's My Mean Bisexual Girlfriend Right There And

I can't believe people actually hate Crystal??? Like that's my mean bisexual girlfriend right there and I love her very much

I bring for your consideration, The Case of the Fabulous Phantom.

Franck, your run-of-the-mill, tweed-wearing, middle-aged Englishman, bank clerk, as common as they come, suddenly dies with no recollection of how it happens. The twist? Franck was also a drag queen.

Cue the investigation taking Edwin to a small drag club while Charles looks around his office at the bank, because of course Franck tells them that he had "a hobby" but doesn't specify it involved gravity-defying heels and tucking.

And now just imagine a couple of queens who have Seen Shit clocking him the second he arrives for a cursory look around and falling in love instantly because that's just the effect Edwin has.

"There's vintage that smells like dust, and then there's vintage that smells like lust, and honey you are potent," and Edwin somehow feels the opposite of threatened so he just says "Thank you. I really like your... glitter."

And that's it, they're besties now. Full life stories and everything.

"This is a safe space, love, I mean look around you, you are literally sitting on my feathers."

"My apologies, ma'am."

"He just said 'my apologies', can we keep him, Mabel?"

"I'm afraid I couldn't stay, I have a partner who's waiting for me."

The first time Edwin's sassy bitch comes out has the queens howling.

And when Charles eventually comes in with a frown on his face because he saw the sign outside that says Lola's Girls and wasn't entirely sure Franck's hobby wasn't strippers in the end and Jesus what did he leave Edwin with, he finds Edwin sitting on a fluffy yellow chair, a china teapot decorated with Greek etchings of naked men on the table in front of him, his own cup full while a queen paints his nails ("Honey, you said you're already going to hell, you might as well be the most fabulous bitch serving down there").

The queens are like "umm, this looks a bit too much like a guy who'd take a crowbar to my face if I met him in a dark alley at night," but Edwin exclaims "Charles!" while hiding his hands under the table, so one of the queens is like, "This your boo?"

And Edwin, clueless, delightful, precious Edwin, fully believes that "boo" is slang for ghost (because ghosts go boo, right?) and they must be referring to his partner, so he looks at Charles's surprised face and says, in his eminently dignified, Edwin voice, "Yes, this is Charles, my boo."

And when Charles comes over, he reaches for one of Edwin's hands and tugs it back onto the table, and Edwin somehow feels the need to justify the red nail varnish, like "I was following a lead," so Charles looks at him with so much fondness in his eyes and tells him he looks incredible. And Edwin lights up like never before.

The queens totally see the moment Charles's brain goes "oh."

And, you know, if Charles keeps Edwin's hand in his and the queen who was doing Edwin's nails never even asks if she can put on the top coat now, it's absolutely not an accident.

(Charles had solved the case. Turns out, for once it wasn't a hate crime. Franck had refused to cook the books because not only could he do a mean Barbra impression, he was also just an honest guy. Franck goes to Heaven and promises he'll write.)

(Please do imagine Edwin and Charles coming back to Lola's Girls and all the beautiful things that could happen to them for being exposed to a community as amazing as that of drag queens.)

Dead Boy Office layout and references. Thought this might be helpful for drawing and writing reference.

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