Labs That Are Also Churches. To Me

labs that are also churches. to me

(1. annie dillard, teaching a stone to talk 2. the deep underground neutrino experiment, a.k.a. DUNE 3. the large hadron collider 4. the sudbury neutrino observatory)

okay but being called "love" is possibly one of the biggest heart-melting things ever, it's like you, yes you, you are the purest motif of love, fucking hell that endearment breaks me into a thousand pieces

love as devotion. love as worship. love as sunlight slanting into a place of worship. love as bowed head. love as standing still. love as where bhagirathi meets alaknanda. love as confluence. love as influence. love as the mountains you love so much. love as hands. love as kashi at twilight. love as removing shoes before entering the mandir. love as whatever makes you, you. love as look into me. tell me what you find there. tell me, tell me, tell me. love as I want to know everything. love as tell me everything mundane about you. which shoe do you wear first. how does the universe reveal itself to you. what do your eyes look like when you are in love. when you are angry. what does the inside of your body feel like. is there enough space for your heart. for your lungs. love as river. love as the fire offered to the river. love as river water, sky and flowers all at once. love as mantra. love as diyas. love as payals, jhumkas, mehendi and chaat. love as old building. love as crumbling but not disappearing. love as prayer. come home to me. come home to me. come home to me. love as eternal. love as the thing that outlasts us. love as the thing that outcasts us. love as the sky bruising purple and pink in yearning. love as feverish yearning. love as chaos. love as failed attempts. love as you have invariably changed me. love as avoiding cameras but not eyes. love as the outcome of a maths problem. love as desperation. love as weakness. love as I wish you had met past versions of me. love as in I have almost nothing to offer you. love as in I am terrified you will see my emptiness. love as trust. love as nothing has ever come close to the moon for me, except you. love as thrill. love as drama. love as epics. love as conviction. conviction. conviction. love as the opposite of shifting sands. love as solid ground. love as the thing you cannot fall beyond. love as the sky. the sky is light. light is time. love as time. love as finality. love love as my laughter means nothing if you are not here to see it. love as everyone I have loved has not loved me back. love as sleeping on a stiff hospital bench at night because my grandfather was sick. love as I would rather exist as the ashes of something than a whole where you did not touch me. love as feeding stray animals. love as climbing mountains to see God. love as climbing mountains to die. love as dying. love as having been held. having been loved. love as if I stop writing I will recede. love as peeled orange. love as sustenance. love as comfort food. love as I will come back. love as endings. love as nothing ends. love as everything ends. love as I am tired of impossibilities. I just want to go home.

now that it is officially too late for my birthday to still be relevant, I'm kinda upset that I didn't do anything.

I had 3 family members die the day before and didn't hear about it until the day of my birthday, so I just got a lot of apologies and the remaining family members just... forgot. but also, I have friends that have sent me a happy birthday message for the past 5 years or so and it was radio silence this year.

I can't help but feel selfish that I wanted to be thought of on my birthday, but is it so wrong to want what other people don't have to work for?

I make an effort to at least tell people happy birthday on their birthday or let them know I'm thinking about them, but I am not awarded that luxury.

I truly believe that I am meant to be forgotten.

What is the difference between a cathedral and a physics lab? Are they not both saying: Hello?

Paolo Giordano, “The Solitude of Prime Numbers” / Antonio Tonelli / Laura Giplin, “A Toast to the Alchemists” / Dennis Overbye, “Music of the Heavens Turns Out to Sound a Lot Like a B Flat” / Carina Nebula / Marie Howe, “Singularity” / Alan Bean, “Is Anyone Out There?” / Bill Bryson, “A Short History of Nearly Everything” / Garrett Lee, “Canyon” / Whit Bronaugh, “The Trees That Miss The Mammoths”

you live in a house of god; praying on your knees; and wonder why he never saves you.

on being unloved by god