I Belong To You

I belong to you

In my solitude, it's just me and these intricate things. I won't call this feeling home, yet I feel this is where I belong. In this space, where I lie amidst these scattered notebooks on my bed, in the light of my antique lamp, trying to word out my feelings, this is where I belong.

Little do I know that, being alone feels good, but it never feels right, not to me at least. I might not feel the same tomorrow when I wake up. Maybe I would end up feeling like a loner but, right now, I feel complete and I think that's enough, for now.

Inheriting calm

Every time my partner and I fight, I take a step back and think about my parents' marriage. I've always admired them as a couple. Whenever a conflict arises, I try to think about how they would have handled the situation. While I know we are different people with different perspectives and bonds, I still find myself drawing on their example.

Today, I had a realization struck me: I've never seen my mother express anger towards my father. Sure, I've witnessed my father being upset with my mom, but I've never seen my mother showing overt signs of being upset or angry at him. I know she must have felt those emotions at times, but she always managed to handle things with calmness. Even if she was upset, she would become her usual self after a while and start talking to my dad as if nothing happened.

Similarly, when my father is upset with my mom, he never raised his voice at her or disrespected her but he goes silent or gives cold replies, which i know hurt my mom, Yet, she manages to shrug it off gracefully and move on.

Recently, I've noticed that I am starting to behave similarly. It's not that I don't show my partner when I'm upset or that he ignores it, but even if he doesn't do anything about it, I eventually return to my normal self, just like my mom.

I wonder if this tendency is something inherently present in many women. I'm not saying it's the case for all, but it seems prevalent at least in our family. I think I might have inherited this trait from my mom.

I'm not blaming my partner or my father, they are both very respectful to their partners. However, I do think that if we were more expressive about our feelings, rather than shrugging them off, our partners might be more inclined to address the issues. But now, it has become a pattern, almost an unspoken understanding, where things return to normal without much fuss.

This approach has it's benefits, as it promotes peace and harmony. Yet, I can't help but wonder if there's a better balance to be struck between expressing our feelings and maintaining tranquility.

Reflecting on this, I realize the strength and patience my mother possess. Her ability to handle conflicts with grace and calmness is something I deeply admire and aspire to. Perhaps there is a lesson in this balance of patience and expression, one that i am still learning to navigate in my own relationship.

In many ways, I see myself becoming more like my mother, and I wonder if this is a good thing. While it has its advantages, I also feel that I should find my own way to balance expressing my emotions and keeping the peace. This reflection is a journey of understanding and growth, and i hope to find a path that works best for me and my relationship.

Subah, shaam..har pehar

Iss dil ko ab bas tumhari fiqre hai khaaye.

I can taste it, my heart's breaking, please don't say it

Last night, I was reading our old conversations and everything seemed so normal. We were laughing and smiling, we were happy. For the moment, I let myself dream of the possibility where we are still together but then I woke up and reality hit me with full force.

It's actually scary how someone walks into your life, makes you feel all types of ways and then, one morning, nothing is the same anymore. And all you're left with is a heart, full of memories, and empty of emotions.

When I say I'm clingy this is what I mean 🐥