I Belong To You

I belong to you

In my solitude, it's just me and these intricate things. I won't call this feeling home, yet I feel this is where I belong. In this space, where I lie amidst these scattered notebooks on my bed, in the light of my antique lamp, trying to word out my feelings, this is where I belong.

Little do I know that, being alone feels good, but it never feels right, not to me at least. I might not feel the same tomorrow when I wake up. Maybe I would end up feeling like a loner but, right now, I feel complete and I think that's enough, for now.

i'm proud to say, i've mastered self-comforting over time. i've learned to cry alone, give my own shoulder a pat, wipe my own tears and convince myself that everything's gonna be fine whenever the world weighs me down. the consoling that i can give myself is the one that i need

Inheriting calm

Every time my partner and I fight, I take a step back and think about my parents' marriage. I've always admired them as a couple. Whenever a conflict arises, I try to think about how they would have handled the situation. While I know we are different people with different perspectives and bonds, I still find myself drawing on their example.

Today, I had a realization struck me: I've never seen my mother express anger towards my father. Sure, I've witnessed my father being upset with my mom, but I've never seen my mother showing overt signs of being upset or angry at him. I know she must have felt those emotions at times, but she always managed to handle things with calmness. Even if she was upset, she would become her usual self after a while and start talking to my dad as if nothing happened.

Similarly, when my father is upset with my mom, he never raised his voice at her or disrespected her but he goes silent or gives cold replies, which i know hurt my mom, Yet, she manages to shrug it off gracefully and move on.

Recently, I've noticed that I am starting to behave similarly. It's not that I don't show my partner when I'm upset or that he ignores it, but even if he doesn't do anything about it, I eventually return to my normal self, just like my mom.

I wonder if this tendency is something inherently present in many women. I'm not saying it's the case for all, but it seems prevalent at least in our family. I think I might have inherited this trait from my mom.

I'm not blaming my partner or my father, they are both very respectful to their partners. However, I do think that if we were more expressive about our feelings, rather than shrugging them off, our partners might be more inclined to address the issues. But now, it has become a pattern, almost an unspoken understanding, where things return to normal without much fuss.

This approach has it's benefits, as it promotes peace and harmony. Yet, I can't help but wonder if there's a better balance to be struck between expressing our feelings and maintaining tranquility.

Reflecting on this, I realize the strength and patience my mother possess. Her ability to handle conflicts with grace and calmness is something I deeply admire and aspire to. Perhaps there is a lesson in this balance of patience and expression, one that i am still learning to navigate in my own relationship.

In many ways, I see myself becoming more like my mother, and I wonder if this is a good thing. While it has its advantages, I also feel that I should find my own way to balance expressing my emotions and keeping the peace. This reflection is a journey of understanding and growth, and i hope to find a path that works best for me and my relationship.

Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena // Alain de Botton, Essays in Love // Eden Robinson, "Writing Prompts for the Broken-Hearted" // Chloe Liese, Always Only You // Anne Carson and Euripides, An Oresteia // Two—Sleeping At Last // Studio Bones, SK8 the Infinity // Trista Mateer, "is it okay to say this?" // @moodylilac // D. H. Lawrence, "The Rainbow"

I'm in my, lover girl era.

And the one I'm loving is Me.

You good?

Mental health checkup!!!!!

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That's really nice of you! Thanks for checking up😭🩷

Im doing okay, hope you're good!! 💐🎀