My Brain Has Pitted The Cowboy And Knight AUs Against One Another In A Very Homoerotic Wrestling Match

My brain has pitted the cowboy and knight AUs against one another in a very homoerotic wrestling match and neither side is winning. Nor particularly coherent. Old western with bounty hunting? Kassandra's thing, right there. Taking names and getting paid, riding off into the sunset with someone very lucky giggling in her arms. Maybe robbing some trains. Steam engines are cool. But domestic ranch life is packing the same punch, and the idea of Eivor running a smithing gig, making horseshoes with a cool hat? Delicious. Let's focus on that.

But she'd also look fucking immaculate in a big clanky suit of armour with a halberd or something. Now, legally, you can't stop my mind from going to a horribly underdeveloped fantasy realm with castles and the knight-and-noblewoman trope with a princess tying her favour to Eivor's lance for good luck. Of course, knights typically abide by a code of honour and loyalty, and oh look that's Soma's fatal flaw. Wouldn't she be a sight in a suit of armour, giant battle-axe in hand. Or a jousting lance, poised atop a horse... Oh no. Here we go again 🤠

The real kicker is that absolutely none of this will ever see a word document. That requires coherent thoughts amongst the gay soup

Assassin's Creed Odyssey (2018)

That's the only way they should meet

Kassandra blowing a kiss at a saloon girl as she makes off with a sack of money. The burlap bag jingling strapped to her saddle as she kicks her horse into a dead sprint

Eivor’s biceps flexing with each bang of her hammer to fire-red metal, sparks flying. She wipes sweat off her forehead with the back of her wrist and smears it with soot

Soma trying to get in the zone and focus up, getting in position for her jousting match, but then she catches sight of your token again and a little smile curves her lips

I…. I just can’t write now, I really can’t

Bandit!Kass... She makes a stop by your seedy town a few times a month. The lawmakers are sleazes under the cracked guise of honour and justice - she can bribe them out of any trouble, and steal it back the moment they're pissed-up and passed out. A nasty little place, but the perfect cover after a risky heist.

The saloon, well, that's the easiest place to throw the sheriff's lot off her tail. She just has to stroll up to the counter and sweet-talk the barmaid into a generous overpour for the good men who keep this town oh so safe. How can you say no to that smile? Or those sugar-sweet words in the rich accent you can't quite place? A handsome tip seals the deal.

Your conversations end with you in dire need of cool air, and with her telling you which room in the inn she's staying in for the night. You'll sprint home after your shift to freshen up with a dab of fragrance behind your ears and on your ankles. But the night always ends the same way: a hoard of serious officers striding into the town, your dear bandit speeding away on horseback into the arid void, and her kiss meant for your lips pressed into the desert air.

Assassin's Creed + Tarot Cards - pt. 3