that1nerd-20 - Chaos
Chaos

You can call me Dinosaur šŸ‘‘šŸ¦–| she/her | im not a minor but i will not be saying my exact age | hufflepuff | James 'jamie' fleamont potter's girl | I sometimes write fanfiction, it's not very good and I'm not good at continuously writing | I will frequently post art, art is a big part of my life | I šŸ’š D&D, WOF, WC, NCIS, Eminem, Star Wars, Marvel, Harry Potter, and so many other fandoms

162 posts

I Just Realized This Is Literally Just Simon Riley. Now I'm Thinking About Roman Soldier/gladiator Simon

I just realized this is literally just Simon Riley. Now I'm thinking about Roman soldier/gladiator Simon Riley, affectionately called ghost, meeting a beautiful woman, you, and then it proceeds to jaw dropping, feral, dirty sex. Then you become his pretty pretty wife. 😚😚🤭🤭🤭

Went to the Midwest horse fair and saw some cool horses, but most of all I found the sexiest man alive 🄵

Went To The Midwest Horse Fair And Saw Some Cool Horses, But Most Of All I Found The Sexiest Man Alive
Went To The Midwest Horse Fair And Saw Some Cool Horses, But Most Of All I Found The Sexiest Man Alive
Went To The Midwest Horse Fair And Saw Some Cool Horses, But Most Of All I Found The Sexiest Man Alive
Went To The Midwest Horse Fair And Saw Some Cool Horses, But Most Of All I Found The Sexiest Man Alive
Went To The Midwest Horse Fair And Saw Some Cool Horses, But Most Of All I Found The Sexiest Man Alive
Went To The Midwest Horse Fair And Saw Some Cool Horses, But Most Of All I Found The Sexiest Man Alive
Went To The Midwest Horse Fair And Saw Some Cool Horses, But Most Of All I Found The Sexiest Man Alive
Went To The Midwest Horse Fair And Saw Some Cool Horses, But Most Of All I Found The Sexiest Man Alive
Went To The Midwest Horse Fair And Saw Some Cool Horses, But Most Of All I Found The Sexiest Man Alive
Went To The Midwest Horse Fair And Saw Some Cool Horses, But Most Of All I Found The Sexiest Man Alive

I tried to get good pictures but they weren't the best, but like my God, he's so fucking hot.

Mask link go brrrrr 😩😩😩

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1 year ago

Reblogging this because it's useful

hbo max blocks screenshots even when I use the snipping tool AND firefox AND ublock which is a fucking first. i will never understand streaming services blocking the ability to take screenshots thats literally free advertising for your show right there. HOW THE HELL IS SOMEBODY GONNA PIRATE YOUR SHOW THROUGH SCREENSHOTS. JACKASS


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1 year ago

AHH IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR SO LONG!! You did wonderfully as always, I just want to say that I love this series and the way you write. You are one of my biggest inspirations and I cannot wait to read more! (Obviously don't feel pressured take your time please)

Redamancy: Chapter Twenty-Nine

Redamancy: Chapter Twenty-Nine

Series Summary: What happens when your soulmate is a vampire that struggles to maintain a diet of trying not to kill you? Common sense says run for the hills, nothing is worth your life - but my heart is whispering why not, what’s there to lose?

Warnings: does a handsy Jasper need a warning?

Notes: oh my god it’s been so long, I’ve been eating myself up over not posting. I’ve been working myself to death, but I’ve finally got a long weekend off and so I used it to get back to what makes me happy - this story! Omg I hope you guys love it🄹 I also have to go through and update my taglist later tonight, so bear with me on that until I add it!

Word Count: 1500

Series Masterlist

Redamancy: Chapter Twenty-Nine

• April 3rd, 2006 • Forks HS •

Reader

Tingly.

That’s the state of my body this morning, the state of my mind.

Not only am I riding an emotional high from our conversation this weekend, but my dream last night… Good lord, that dream.

I can feel the echoes of his fingers on my skin, the coolness of his lips, the wet trail they would’ve left behind… the solid weight of what surely his body would feel like, pressed against mine. I can imagine all of what it would be like vividly, to be under him, to get carried away, to just explore-

ā€œYou alright, darlin’?ā€

His voice jolts me from the day dreaming stare I had on the locker before me, caught red handed. To make matters worse, that deep southern tenor questioned me inches from my ear, causing a blush to heat my cheeks to an almost uncomfortable degree.

ā€œPerfectly fine, why?ā€ I immediately busy myself within my locker so that I don’t have to face him right away.

ā€œYou do remember that I can feel you, right?ā€ His voice is low and his hands find my hips tenderly, but the air changes around us.

My heart rate skyrockets, this is dangerous. His fingers flex against me and the death grip I have on this book in my hands turns my knuckles white.

ā€œJasper-ā€ his name is a whispered warning, but also a plea.

ā€œI know.ā€ Instantly a cooling, soothing balm blankets our tension and I release the tightness in my chest. Leaning backwards into him I just feel tired all of a sudden, like I had run a marathon. ā€œLet’s get out of here.ā€

His request sounds more like a demand and I twist in his arms, ā€œIs that a good idea?ā€

ā€œDarlin’, I don’t have many of those these days.ā€ His mouth quirks up in a lopsided grin as he shoves all of my school supplies back in my locker, shutting it and tugging me along behind him towards the student parking lot.

Redamancy: Chapter Twenty-Nine

Jasper

Something is on her mind, something dangerous. Something I absolutely want to know, something I’m not sure I have the strength for, but I can’t help it - it’s her.

I’ve never been more thankful for an overcast day with no rain: perfect motorcycle weather. Come to think of it, my sister had a knowing look in her eyes as my siblings all piled into their respective vehicles as I straddled my bike this morning. A decision that currently led me to now: Y/n and I leaving school before midday.

Those thoughts I interrupted earlier have her quiet, but her emotions are raging and it is driving me insane. Curiosity, need, nervousness - a dangerous concoction begging to overtake my rational mind. Separating myself from her feelings is almost impossible at this point, she is so well ingrained in me.

Finally arriving at my thankfully empty home, I shut my motorcycle off and offer a steady hand to help her dismount. Swinging my own leg over, I turn towards her and lean against it, observing her for a moment with crossed arms.

ā€œWhat?ā€ She makes eye contact as she struggles with the chin strap of my helmet.

Grabbing the helmet by the chin piece, I gently tug her forward between my legs, ā€œTell me.ā€ I lace the command with neediness to encourage her to be pliant.

And judging by the way her lips part behind the dark visor, the immediate dilation of her eyes, and the weight of her hands settling on my thighs gently, I might’ve laid it on a little too thick.

Chuckling, I free her from my helmet and riding jacket. By the time I finish, she seems to snap from the daze and her hands clench on top of my legs.

ā€œNot fair, Hale.ā€ Feisty this morning.

I lean forward towards her ear with a grin as I stand from my bike to put away the gear, ā€œAll’s fair in love and war, sweetheart.ā€

Reaching to swat my chest, I grab her hand gently before she could injure herself.

Pausing as I hang my jacket up, her teasing response sends excitement through me, ā€œTwo can play at that game, baby.ā€

Redamancy: Chapter Twenty-Nine

Stepping into my room, I realize too late what has her curiosity: my desk. Well, the art that occupies every inch, my art.

ā€œWhat is all this?ā€ Leafing through pencil sketches of my favorite hunting spots and pen etchings of my family at random moments, she gets to the important ones hidden below. Her breathing hitches and I know she’s found them, the ones of her.

Some are in pencil, some are in random felt-tip pens, but my favorites? Those are charcoal. A decently basic medium, but I feel like it captures so much more than anything else ever could. Maybe it’s because I use my fingers to smudge and shape her perfect curves and lines, but it radiates emotion in sweeping gestures and subtle shading - something that’s hard to capture with anything else.

ā€œThere’s-ā€ awe, shock, surprise, they all shuffle through her and I’m on edge, waiting to hear her thoughts. ā€œThere’s so manyā€¦ā€

I watch her carefully examine each one and I smile when she chuckles at a few - some of her at school, some of her here in my home, moments I not only committed to memory, but to paper.

ā€œNow you know what I do with my free time.ā€ I smile through the minuscule anxiety that bubbles up at her seeing my secret hobby. Everyone in my family knows I draw, but they haven’t seen my drawings.

ā€œJasperā€¦ā€ I can tell she’s getting emotional, but a part of me is excited for her to see my innermost thoughts on paper, to see herself through my eyes - the unaltered beauty she contains.

ā€œYou haven’t even seen the ones I cherish the most.ā€ Opening a familiar sketchbook buried under many other drawings, I reveal my favorites. ā€œThe very first ones.ā€

Her breath hitches, running a reverent finger down the first page. It’s the very first moment I saw her, crouched, scooping up papers on her first day of high school in Forks - absolutely radiant.

ā€œYou were a vision that day. A beautiful tornado that wrecked my world, I tried to capture every detail from memory because I never want to forget-ā€

Her hand finding my cheek breaks me from my explanation and my eyes find her watery ones, mouth open, searching for words clearly hard to get out, ā€œJasperā€¦ā€

ā€œI love you.ā€ My confession steals her breath completely this time, the first time I’ve uttered these words aloud and it feels absolutely right. ā€œI’ve loved you since the moment you hit me with that door. I knew I was absolutely ruined for anyone else and I wouldn’t have it any other way.ā€ Tilting her chin up with the tip of my finger as it wobbles at my confession, I smile, ā€œSay something, darlin’.ā€

ā€œI love you, too.ā€ Now it’s my turn to go wholly still. ā€œI knew from the moment I saw you I’d never be the same, I was yours-ā€

I couldn’t wait another second, I closed the minuscule gap between our mouths to seal these confessions. I love her and she loves me. Me.

Tilting her head back slightly as I cradle her, I take my cue to deepen the kiss, to pull her closer carefully. Groaning into her mouth, fuck I can’t get enough of her. Trailing kisses down her jawline as she tips her head to the side for much needed air, her gasps drive me to lift her onto my desk.

ā€œJazā€¦ā€ her breathy plea of my nickname freezes me, panic seizing my actions.

ā€œI am a gentleman, but only just barely.ā€ My voice is gravel in my own ears, breathed down the slender column of her throat.

A shiver from her causes me to clench my jaw and attempt to gather myself.

ā€œMaybe I don’t want a gentleman right now.ā€ Her whisper damns me, it fucking sets me on fire.

A slamming door downstairs straightens my spine and my hands abandon the exploration of her. Fuck, my family’s timing couldn’t be better, but also worse.

ā€œHoney, we’re home!ā€ Emmett’s booming voice echoes up the stairs and immediately I know he knows, he can probably smell it.

Huffing, I help her regain her footing and straighten her clothes from the rumpled mess my hands made of it. I also take half a thought to smooth her arousal, a damn shame-but a necessity if we’re to face my siblings for the rest of the evening.

ā€œFucking Emmett.ā€ Her frustration draws a chuckle from me as we make our way downstairs.

ā€œI heard that!ā€ My brother’s response causes her to roll her eyes at me playfully and I shake my head, my heart weighing much fuller in my chest as she plucks its invisible strings with her shit-eating grin.

Redamancy: Chapter Twenty-Nine

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Taglist part 1


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1 year ago

Best thing ever, I'm not crying in public, you are 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭🄲🄲🄲🄲🄲

Ok Sorry For Blowing Up Your Asks, But I Have One That Might Be Right Up Your Angsty Alley

Ok sorry for blowing up your asks, but I have one that might be right up your angsty alley…

Marshall is having a particularly hard time on one of the anniversaries of Proof’s passingā€¦šŸ•Šļø He’s super vulnerable with reader and she has to comfort him šŸ˜”šŸ„ŗ

DIFFICULT šŸ•Šļø

Eminem x Assistant Reader

Synopsis : Em is nowhere to be found as you're waiting for him for an important meeting. Turns out... It's the anniversary of Proof's passing and he needs you.

Tags : Vulnerability - Grief - Angst - Comfort

Author's Note : Thank you for this Ask ! I low-key love that you thought of me when it comes to angsty requests šŸ‘€. I got inspired and ended up writing quite a bit but I'm afraid it's all over the place. I hope you like it nonetheless. ā¤ļø

Do you know where he is ? Paul asked, visibly unnerved. He should already be here !Ā 

He’s coming, you assured the manager. I reminded him of this meeting on Friday, don’t worry, he’s going to show up.Ā 

It’s your job to make sure he shows up on time, Y/N, Paul added sternly. That’s what personal assistants are for.Ā 

He’s never late, you said. I’m sure there’s a good reason. Something must have come up… 

It was unlike Marshall to show up late to a work meeting, especially when it involved music. In the past year, since you had started working for him, he had never shown up late anywhere. If anything, he was a bit neurotic about punctuality. « Early is on time, on time is late » he always said. And when it came to anything regarding his latest album, he tended to show up extremely early, polishing details up until the last minute. Except that, today, he was almost thirty minutes late and you were facing Paul and Dre on your own, and there was only so much small talk you could make. 

Look, if the album’s not ready for me to listen to yet, you guys just have to say so, Dre said.Ā 

No, it is, Paul assured him. I mean, you know Marshall, he’s always trying to polish and tweak little things, but we have a version that’s more than ready for you. We wouldn’t have you come from LA otherwise… 

I’ll try an call him, you said.Ā 

You got up and went to your office. You were starting to be a little freaked out. You didn’t want to be dramatic, but you were starting to feel scared that something terrible had happened. One time, he got into a car crash and was not even that late. Thirty minutes late for Marshall was basically four hours late for anyone else. You got out of the room and tried to call him, but he didn’t pick up. Had he lost his phone ? You knew he hated the iPhone you had convinced him to buy - to replace his more than ancient Blackberry - and he used it as little as possible, but him losing anything was unlikely. And he knew about this meeting. You had specifically reminded him of it. He wouldn’t show up late to a meeting with Dre. He had way too much respect for the man. You nervously checked his iCloud calendar, thinking that maybe he was confused about the time. Unlikely but not impossible either. You remembered adding the event « Meeting with Dre - ALBUM VERSION 1Ā Ā» for this Monday, 9:00 AM a while ago. But it was nowhere to be found. Had it been accidentally deleted ? Had you dropped the ball ? No. Impossible. Not to toot your own horn, but you wouldn’t screw up like that. It was probably a bug. You checked the week’s other events. Deleted too. You knew he had other meetings and studio sessions planned, but they did not appear on the calendar. Weird. Especially since last week’s event were still appearing, and the following week’s too. It looked like someone had cleared this week’s schedule and you knew it wasn’t you. It had to be Marshall, then, since he was the only other person to have access to his calendar. You were worried. He would not clear a whole week’s schedule, especially not when he was nearly done with his album. Something had to have happened. Something awful, by the looks of it. Your mind immediately went to his family. They were the only people he would clear his schedule for. You decided to call Hailie, hoping that nothing awful had happened to her or her sisters.Ā 

Hey Y/N, you heard her soft voice say as she picked up the phone. How are you ?Ā 

Hey Hailie, you said nervously. Are you alright ?Ā 

All good, she said. Why ? Are you ok ? Is there anything wrong ?Ā 

Um… I don’t know, you said. I'm trying to reach your Dad. Have you heard of him ?Ā 

Not since Thursday, I think. He told me he was spending the weekend with you. What’s wrong ?Ā 

He’s just a little late to a meeting, you said as you tried to sound casual. I was worried that something had happened to you, your sisters, Nate… 

No, we’re all good, she said reassuringly. Look, I’m in Chicago, but I can try and call him… 

Don’t worry about it, you said. Enjoy Chicago.

Thank you ! See you !Ā 

Hailie didn’t seem too worried, so there was at least that. However, you were a little bugged off. You absolutely had not spent the weekend with Marshall and, frankly, you were a bit shocked that he had lied to his daughter about it. Not that you never spent the weekend together - in the past six months, it had happened quite a bit - but he was not the type to lie to his daughter. It was odd that he would use you as a lie, especially since your relationship - if you could call it that - was still in the developing stage. As far as Hailie was concerned, you were the closest thing her Dad had to a girlfriend but, in actuality, it was a bit more complicated. It wasn’t necessarily serious or committed, and there most certainly wasn’t any label on it. You were his personal assistant, whom he occasionally fooled around with. The only reason Hailie saw you as his girlfriend was that she had walked in on the two of you making out with very, very few clothes on. Thank God, she was an adult and didn’t really want to know anything about it. No one ever mentioned the incident but she assumed there was something between you and Marshall. And there was. In a way. But he wasn’t really the kind of guy to put a label on it and you knew it. He was extremely guarded and, even though you knew you were one of the people closest to him, you didn’t expect much. He was a really great boss, amazing man and more than satisfactory lover, but you knew him enough to know it would never evolve into anything serious. « I don’t do relationships, you knowĀ Ā» he had once told you. And you didn’t mind. You enjoyed things just the way they were. The way you saw it, the sex you sometimes had - usually on work trips or late nights - was a perk to your job, along with the generous salary and health benefits. But regardless of all that, him lying about spending the weekend with you was extremely odd. You tried calling him again, but were sent straight to voicemail. You sheepishly went back to the conference room.Ā 

Did you talk to him ? Paul asked.Ā 

No news, you said. That’s odd. I’ll go to his place and if he’s not there, I’ll try the hospitals. I’m sorry.Ā 

I hope he’s ok, Dre said. Keep us posted ?Ā 

Of course.Ā 

You made your way to your car and drove to his place. Security knew your car and plates and saw you often enough to let you through the gates. You parked in front of Marshall’s house and immediately noticed that the car he used the most was parked out front. He was home. Thank God, you didn’t have to worry about a car crash. You rang the bell but no one came to open it. Maybe he had slipped in the shower and injured his head ? Or fallen down the stairs ? No. You often joked about him being older but he wasn’t geriatric either. Still, you were worried so you used your spare key and let yourself in.Ā 

The house was unusually dark and messy. You checked downstairs, the living room, kitchen, office… It was messy, like someone had rummaged through things, but Marshall was nowhere to be found. You tried every room upstairs, every closet, every bedroom, but he wasn’t there either. You decided to try the only remaining space you hadn’t checked : the basement (you doubted he was in the garage - he liked his cars but not enough to cancel a meeting about music). That’s where you found him : in one of the dimly lit rooms he had converted into a home music studio, laying on the carpet, eyes closed, headphones on his head. You gasped and almost thought he was dead. You immediately rushed to his side and checked his breath. As soon as you approached, he slowly opened his eyes and groaned.Ā 

Marshall, are you alright ? You asked. Are you hurt ?Ā 

No, he said in a raspy voice before sitting up.Ā 

You examined his face : he looked like a zombie, or at least like someone who had forgotten what sleep and food were. And judging by the smell, he had also forgotten about showers. You usually enjoyed his masculine scent but now he was smelling as rank as a teenage boy addicted to video games.Ā 

What are you doing here ? He asked.Ā 

I came to check you weren’t dead, you said. You missed the meeting with Dre. Paul is furious.Ā 

Wait… What day is it ? He asked in confusion.Ā 

Monday, you said. April 12th.Ā 

Fuck.Ā 

He rubbed his eyes and scratched his beard, and you inspected him closer. His eyes were bloodshot, with huge dark circles. The beard he usually kept well-trimmed was all over the place, so was his short hair, and his breath smelled of energy drink. He had always had a penchant for soda and Redbull, but it usually wasn’t to the point of smelling like a candy factory. Well, if you added the smell of sweat, it was more like someone who ran a marathon in the Redbull factory. Marshall looked at you without saying a word.Ā 

Are you alright ? You asked.Ā 

Does it look like I’m alright ? He groaned.Ā 

Not really, you admitted - not really knowing what to say.Ā 

Why are you ask, then ?

If you hadn’t been so worried, you would have snapped at him for behaving like an ass, but it wasn’t him. You sighed and looked at the CDs he’d been listening to : « Searching for Jerry GarciaĀ Ā» and « I Miss the Hip Hop ShopĀ Ā» by Proof. That’s when it hit you : today was April 12th and April 11th was the anniversary of his best friend’s passing. The both of you were sitting on the carpet, not saying a word. He knew that you knew.Ā 

Do you… Um… Want to talk about it ? You asked tentatively.Ā 

I need a shower, he said.Ā 

Yes he did. He definitely did. You got up and waited for him to do the same but he simply groaned as he tried to move. You gave him your hand and helped him up as he let out a moan and held his back. You wondered how long he’d been laying there, listening to music and losing track of time. He seemed to have trouble even standing up. « God, he must be exhaustedĀ Ā», you thought.Ā 

Need help ? You asked.Ā 

Y-Yeah, he said.Ā 

Shower ?Ā 

Yeah.Ā 

Without a word, you helped him to the nearest bathroom where he started undressing without even waiting for you to leave. You could feel your cheeks burn. You’d seen him naked before, sure, but this different than the two of you shedding your clothes in a passionate moment. Now, you had the feeling of seeing something you weren’t supposed to. It felt a bit weird. You watched him step in the shower and went upstairs, to his closet, to pick some clothes for him to wear. You grabbed boxers, some sweatpants, a wife beater and a hoodie and put them in the bathroom, near the sink before opening the windows to let in some light and fresh air, as you tidied up a bit. You’d spent some time in his house before but you had never seen the place this messy.Ā 

Thanks for the clothes, Marshall said as he emerged from the bathroom.Ā 

Feeling better ? You asked.Ā 

Yeah.

When was the last time you showered ? You asked.Ā 

I don’t know, he shrugged.Ā 

Last time you ate ?Ā 

Fri…Sat… I don’t know, he replied.Ā 

He seemed gaunt and, even if the shower seemed to have done some good, Marshall seemed like a corpse. He was standing there, staring at you, not extremely responsive. You had never seen him like this and it was definitely a far cry from his usual self. Ever since you had met him for the first time, you had found him to have an impressive presence. Whenever he walked into a room, he naturally drew attention to him and he had such charisma that he seemed bigger than he actually was. But for the first time, he looked weak and lost.Ā 

Are you hungry ? You asked.Ā 

A bit, he replied.Ā 

Sit, you said. I’ll prepare something. What do you want ? Pasta ?Ā 

Whatever, he said.Ā 

He sat on the couch and you made your way to the kitchen. Being the one responsible for his shopping, you knew the pantry like the back of your hand and knew exactly what was in there. You decided to make some homemade spaghetti, using Mom’s Spaghetti sauce with homemade garlic toasts. His lazy comfort food. When you brought his plate to the living room, he was manspreading, looking at the ceiling.Ā 

Thanks, he said as you handed him the food. Chips would have been enough, you know ?Ā 

You need to eat a real meal, you simply said.Ā 

He nodded and started to eat. You noticed he was avoiding your gaze. He usually didn’t have much trouble maintaining eye contact, except for when he was ashamed, or sad, or tired. In this case, you knew it was probably a mixture of everything. There was no doubt as to his exhaustion and sadness, and you knew he would feel ashamed for missing an important work meeting. You looked at him and left the room to go and call Paul.Ā 

So ? He asked. How is he ?Ā 

He’s… sick, you lied, knowing full well Marshall wouldn’t want you telling people how you had found him.Ā 

Sick ? The managed asked. What does he have ?Ā 

The flu, you said. It’s pretty nasty. I cleared up his schedule for the week. He needs rest. He’s really sorry about the meeting.Ā 

Alright. I’ll call him later, he said. Dre has to leave today, we’ll have to set up another meeting.Ā 

I’ll let him know.Ā 

You also texted Hailie to let her know you had managed to get ahold of her Dad. When you got back to Marshall, he was looking at a picture frame of him and Proof. From the looks of it, you guessed it was from 2005-2006. You sat next to him in silence.Ā 

The flu ? He asked in a raspy voice.Ā 

Couldn’t come up with anything better on the spot, you said. At least, it buys you the rest of the week so you can rest.Ā 

No need, he said. I can… I can work.Ā 

Bullshit, you sighed.Ā 

He stared in your eyes for the first time all day and sighed. His eyes went back to the picture frame and you could see hum swallow dryly.Ā 

Went was this taken ? You asked.Ā 

March 2006, he said in a breaking voice. It’s the last picture of him I have… 

His breath was shaky and you could tell he was on the verge if tears. You placed a hand over his and gently stroked his skin.Ā 

It’s ok to cry, you know ? You said softly.Ā 

You weren’t too sure why you said that. Of course it was ok to cry. A man in his fifties, especially your boss, did not need your permission to cry. Or so you thought. Because as soon as the words left your lips, the tears started to flow and he started sobbing. You put a hand on his back and tried to soothe him while you saw his face redden and scrunch up, his tears wetting his face. It was painful seeing him like this and you wished there was something you could do. If that were possible, you would gladly take his pain and make it yours.Ā 

Fu-fuck, I-I’m sorry, he said after a while.Ā 

You have nothing to apologize for, you said gently. It’s ok. He was your best friend. It’s ok to be sad.Ā 

I-I fucked up…

It’s just a work meeting, you reminded him. We’ll set up another meeting with Dre, I’ll move a couple of appointments, it’s fine.Ā 

No, not… I-I…

He was trying to speak but he wasn’t making much sense. He was stuttering, his voice cracking, changing pitch… You put your arms around him, half-expecting him to push you away but he didn’t. You kept running a hand up and down his back to soothe him a bit and it seemed effective.Ā 

Thank you, Y/N, he said.Ā 

Were you like this all weekend ? You asked.Ā 

Yeah… 

Is that why you told Hailie I was spending the weekend with you ?Ā 

I… Yeah, he said sheepishly. I didn’t want the kids to see me like this.Ā 

I see, you said. So… what ? You listened to his music, looked at pictures and lost track of time ?Ā 

I guess, he shrugged. I… I tried to go to his grave yesterday but it was packed.Ā 

I guess a lot of people miss him, you said.Ā 

No, it was… I saw them and they were wearing… My tee-shirts. My merch. They were my fans. On his grave. And it drove me fucking mad. Because I couldn’t even get out of my car, and I had to see these people pay respect but they were fans. They didn’t know him. And I saw the posts on social media. And people keep on making it about me.Ā 

His voice broke again. You had often had conversations with him about fame and how he was dealing with it. Most of the time, he was grateful for it, though he often gave the impression that he didn’t really get why he was famous and how people could look up to him so much. « It’s just meĀ Ā», he often said. Deep down, he only saw himself as a guy trying to make it in hip-hop, trying to be the best emcee. Fame was never really part of his plan, though he was grateful for the success and love of people granted him. But the way he was speaking, it seemed like less of a blessing and more of a curse. He explained to you that he felt guilty for people making Proof’s death about him. Sure, he was his best friend, but he was so much more, and he just wished people would respect his legacy and everything he meant to the hip-hop culture. He also felt guilty when he thought about Proof’s family, who didn’t only have to deal with a tragic loss but also his own fame, and always being asked questions about him.Ā 

His wife… She always hated me, you know ? He said. She hated all of us. Proof was never home, always either getting in trouble with us or trying to keep us out of it. Now we don’t speak too much and… I mean, I get it, I was his friend, not hers, but… I don’t know. I was supposed to be an uncle to his kids, you know ? I’m supposed to be there for them, not make things difficult. I’m supposed to be the one sending flowers, not receiving them in their place.Ā 

Do you keep in touch ? You asked.Ā 

I try, he said. I mean, if the kids need something, they know they can call. Sharonda too. She never would, she’s too proud but… Yeah, I just wish I could do more, you know ?Ā 

I know, you said. You shouldn’t feel guilty… 

No, I should, he shrugged. When he died, I was a massive asshole about it… I mean, I guess I made it a lot about me. But now it makes me so mad. And sad. And I miss him so much and I just wish I could apologize to him.Ā 

For what ? You asked as you stroked his hand.Ā 

Everything, he shrugged. For being ungrateful and not seeing everything he did to hold down the fort. Proof… He was strong when I was weak. And I never got to tell him how thankful I am. If it weren’t for him, I’d still be making burgers.Ā 

I’m sure he knew how much you loved him, you said softly.Ā 

I hope, he said. He was everything to me… Like… We didn’t love each other like that, you know. Like, no homo or whatever. But sometimes I think he was the love of my life. In a platonic way. Like, he was my other half, the one who made me a better person. And now that he’s gone… I’m just me. And it’s hard.Ā 

You’re still pretty great, you said. And I know he would be proud of you.Ā 

I… I don’t know, he said.Ā 

He seemed lost in his thoughts. You realized you had been stroking his back the whole time and stopped. He turned to you with his eyebrows furrowed and he didn’t even have to ask for you to resume. It was the first time the two of you had such a prolonged physical contact without it being sexual and you wondered if he noticed, too. He closed his eyes and you looked at him some more. He was clearly exhausted and you weren’t too sure how long he would need to sleep. Probably a long time.Ā 

You should go to bed, you said softly.Ā 

I guess, he shrugged.Ā 

You need rest, you insisted. I’ll do the dishes and go home, ok ? You can call me if you need anything.Ā 

Can you stay ? He asked nervously. I… I don’t feel like being… alone.Ā 

Sure, you said with a hint of surprise.Ā 

Ok.Ā 

He got up and headed upstairs. When he noticed you weren’t following him, he turned to you with a raised eyebrow.Ā 

You don’t want to come ?Ā 

Upstairs ? You asked with your eyebrows furrowed. To your… room ?Ā 

You said I needed to sleep, he pointed out. I’m not sleeping on the damn couch.Ā 

You shrugged and followed him. That was new. You had slept over a couple of times, but never in the same bed as him. The only circumstances in which you had seen his bedroom were strictly sexual. But as soon as the deed was done, he wouldn’t sleep in the same bed as you. And even when you had slept with him during work trips, you’d been back to your own room after. It was one of the many ways in which he could be guarded and you knew it had nothing to do with you. He just had his quirky, peculiar ways. He got in bed and looked at you intently.Ā 

Come, he said.Ā 

Ok, you said as you sat next to him.Ā 

Remove your socks, he instructed.Ā 

I’m not removing my socks, you said. My feet are cold.Ā 

You’re not getting in my bed with your dirty socks, he pointed out.Ā 

I just put them on this morning, you said. They’re not dirty.Ā 

It’s a pet peeve, he said. Just… Socks off, ok ? And get under the covers.Ā 

You scoffed. If he was in a good enough state to be oddly specific - as he often was about practically everything in his life - it was a good sign. You took your socks off and sat in bed, under the covers. It felt weird but Marshall didn’t seem to pick on it. He simply laid there and stared at you.Ā 

You’re not laying down ? He finally asked.Ā 

Um… Sitting is fine, you said.Ā 

Can you lie down, please ? He asked.Ā 

You looked at him with a raised eyebrow but still did as you were told. As soon as you laid down next to him, he closed his eyes. Given how exhausted he looked, you half-expected him to fall asleep right then and there but he didn’t. Instead, he kept on tossing and turning.Ā 

What’s up ? You asked. Do you need anything ?Ā 

I think it’s the Redbull, he said. I haven’t drank much else in days. It’s keeping me awake.Ā 

Oh, you said. Let’s talk, then.Ā 

About what ? He asked.Ā 

I don’t know, you shrugged. We can talk about anything. What’s up with the cleared schedule on iCloud ? Did you do that ?Ā 

Yeah… I don’t know, he said sheepishly. I… I went to the cemetery yesterday and when I couldn’t go and had to go home, I guess I lost it. There were these thoughts in my head and… I’m not sure I can do it anymore. Without Proof it’s… too hard.Ā 

Tears were welling in his eyes again. It had been more than fifteen years since Proof’s passing and Marshall had put out quite a few albums in that time, but the wound still seemed fresh. It wasn’t a matter of his technical ability to do it without Proof - of course he could - it was about whether or not he wanted to.Ā 

Ok, you said.Ā 

Ok ? He asked.Ā 

What do you want me to say ? You asked. Do you want me to plead for you to keep going ? I’m not going to. If you want to quit and retire, that’s ok, you’re allowed.Ā 

Really ?Ā 

I mean… Yeah, you said simply. It’s your decision. If you think you don’t have anything else to bring to the table, that’s fine. You’ve had a good run and a career people can only dream of having. If you decide to put an end to it, that’s fine.Ā 

Wait… No, he said. I mean, your job is to talk me out of it. Is that some reverse psychology thing ?Ā 

It’s Paul’s job to talk you out of it, you clarified. Me, I’m just a personal assistant. My job is to manage your schedule and make life easier for you. Whether or not you put out music, my job’s fine as long as you need me to do your shopping, come to football games with you and remind you of your dentist’s appointments. Next one is in two months by the way.Ā 

He chuckled and you couldn’t help but smile. His face was still puffy and he still didn’t look his best, but hearing him laugh - however lightly - was good. He was a great person and you hated seeing him like this. Of all the people you had ever met, he was the one who had suffered the most, and deserved it the least. He was a good, hardworking, honest and generous man, on top of being one of the most talented people ever. His sadness was breaking your heart. If his career was making him sad, if keeping on going without Proof was too hard, he should be allowed to quit. He had earned it and, in your opinion, he didn’t have anything left to prove to anyone.Ā 

So you don’t care whether I end my career or not ? He asked with an amused look.Ā 

As a fan, I think it would be tragic, you said. Especially If you don’t put out that last album. It’s your best work so far. But as a person… What I care about is you, Marshall. I’m in the front row, seeing how hard you work every day. If you say that’s too hard, then that’s too hard and I trust you on that. If you think you’ll be happier doing something else, just enjoying life with your family and focusing on your charity, you should do that.Ā 

Proof would kick my ass for thinking of quitting, he said pensively.Ā 

I think Proof would want you to be happy, you pointed out.Ā 

He hummed and looked at you. He brought a hand to your face and stroked your face as a single tear rolled on his cheek. You smiled and wiped the tear, letting your hand cup his face. You stared at each other in silence. It was unusual but, oddly enough, not uncomfortable.Ā 

Thank you for staying, Y/N, he simply said before letting out a small yawn.Ā 

You should really try and get some sleep, you replied softly.Ā 

He nodded and closed his eyes as you heard him take deep breaths. A couple of minutes later, he was asleep. You could hear him snore lightly. You looked at your phone to check the time. It was only 1PM. You figured you’d stay there for a while and let him sleep while you answered a couple of e-mails. After a couple of hours, Marshall was still sleeping soundly. You thought you might as well do some tidying up in the house, but as soon as you tried to move, you felt his arm around your waist, bringing you closer to him. You smiled to yourself as you realized it was the first time you actually cuddled with him - and you enjoyed it more than you probably should. Your back was against his chest and you could feel his heartbeat. This and the sensation of his arm around you were incredibly soothing and you allowed yourself to close your eyes for a minute.

(…)

Marshall groaned as you gently shook his shoulder to try and wake him up. He scrunched up his nose and let out a few obscenities. He looked pissed off as he opened his eyes.Ā 

What time is it ? He groaned.Ā 

About 7PM, you said.Ā 

You better have a good reason to wake me up, he sighed.Ā 

I think I do. You have clothes on your bed and ten minutes to get changed, ok ?Ā 

I’m not getting dressed, and I’m not going out, he said with an eye roll.Ā 

And I’m not giving you a choice, you said with a smile. Get up. Please. You won’t regret it.Ā 

You made your way downstairs and prepared a bottle of water and a snack for Marshall as you waited for him. When he arrived, he looked a bit puzzled. He was still clearly tired but he looked a lot better. You made him get in your car and drove to the cemetery. You had called ahead of time and asked if they would do you a favor and keep the place open for a couple more hours. You used the « Marshall MathersĀ Ā» card, which always worked when it came to getting a table at a fancy restaurant, borrowing a private jet or keeping a store open when Marshall needed to shop for his daughters’ birthday.Ā 

What are we doing here ? He asked as you parked out front.

You know what we’re doing here, you said. It’s after hours and you get to pay your respects in peace.Ā 

You… You arranged for this ?

I did, you said. They’ll be open until 8:30PM. I’m sorry, I didn’t find a florist open, though.Ā 

He looked at you in shock and immediately engulfed you in a hug before whispering a « thank youĀ Ā» in your ear before getting out of the car. An hour later, you were leaning on the hood of your car, smoking a cigarette when Marshall came back. He seemed more at peace. You could tell he had cried - as people often do when they’re visiting someone’s grave - but he seemed alright nonetheless. He walked up to you and took you by surprise by kissing you. Contrary to all the kisses you’d shared until now, this one wasn’t greedy, hungry or passionate. It was tender and soft. Intimate and emotional.Ā 

A-Are you alright ? You asked.Ā 

Yeah, he hummed. Thank you for taking me.Ā 

You’re welcome, you said with a smile.Ā 

Ready to go ? He asked.Ā 

Almost, you said as you pointed to your cigarette - knowing full well the hatred he had of your smoking habit.Ā 

The drive home was a bit weird. You had kissed before but this felt different. You had always enjoyed his kisses but this one was, by far, your favorite. You felt a little guilty for enjoying it so much. If you were honest with yourself, it was a little scary, too. The only reason you had managed not to catch feelings for Marshall was because he was usually guarded and there were a lot of boundaries. But after today, after seeing him this open and vulnerable, you weren’t too sure you could go back to having casual sex with him. It would be too dangerous.Ā 

Did you know Proof’s family would be there ? He asked as you parked in front of his place.Ā 

Were they ? You asked in surprise. No, I didn’t.Ā 

The cemetery must have called them, then, he shrugged.Ā 

I’m sorry, you said. I insisted that you have your privacy… 

It’s fine, he said. I talked to Sharonda. Nasaan was here too.Ā 

How did it go ?Ā 

Pretty well, he said. I’m seeing them later this week. Over dinner.Ā 

That’s great, you replied with a smile. I’m happy for you.Ā 

Thank you Y/N, he said emotionally. For everything you always do for me. I mean, I wouldn’t be able to get through life without you. You put up with me, you make life bearable… And… Thank you for today, especially.Ā 

You’re welcome, you said with a small smile.Ā 

He cupped your face and kissed you again. You leaned into the kiss more than you should. A part of you knew that you should push him away… But you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. Not after he had such a hard day. So you kissed him back and enjoyed the sensation of his tongue caressing yours, of his fingers in your hair.Ā 

Now, you should go and get some rest, you said softly.Ā 

Are you coming ? He asked as he stroked your cheek.Ā 

Do you need me ?Ā 

Y/N… I always need you.Ā 

And just like that… You knew you were screwed. You felt an army of butterflies in your stomach and your brain was nowhere to be found. It had left the chat as soon as you heard Marshall’s soft voice say he needed you. You were unable to think so your emotions took over as you exited the car and got inside the house, his hand in yours.Ā 


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