Anything But Just "I Love You"

anything but just "I love you"

I want to love you.

I think I can love you?

Let me love you.

I loved you.

I would love you.

I can try to love you.

I used to know how to love you (I don't anymore)

I still love you.

Do you love me?

Can you try to love me?

I can't stop loving you.

Let me try to love you.

I think I can love you.

I think I can try (to love you).

Do you still love me?

Did you ever love me?

I don't think I could ever love you.

Don't let me love you.

I gave up (loving you).

You made me love you.

I've always loved you (but I can't anymore).

Obligated? Irritating? An annoyance? A disruption? Tamlin’s face fell, almost instantly into genuine shock, if not sadness. He felt his heart speed up in his chest as she walked away, so terribly small in the daunting darkness. No, no, no. I am not that bad at this!

How can I be giving all that I am and it never be enough?

His frustration surged and his fists tightened, but another question lingered in his mind. Am I? Is that truly all I have to give?

A lack of cruelty is not a kindness. His mother had once said. Her appeal had fallen on empty ears and slid down his stone walls like storms.

Why? Why do I always have to be the bigger person? Why was I given so much weight to bear?

Tamlin lingered in the doorway and motioned a sentry to follow Briar from a polite distance. A rough start was right and it had certainly not been completely on her. If anything, all of the flack should fall upon him. He was the leader. He was the example. He was the one they all looked to when hope was gone.

What about when my hope is gone? Tamlin lowered himself to the stone steps and conjured a small ball of light into his fingers, forming it into the shape of a small bird. He blew the embers into the darkness and the followed the last that he could see of her as she disappeared.

Hope was a fragile flame. It could burn out. He was close to the end of the line, himself. If he did not sleep, tomorrow would only be worse. He hugged his cloak tightly to his body and ventured up the dark staircase. It smelled faintly of blueberries and vanilla — like the pancakes his mother used to make on hard days. Tamlin lay down on his cold bed and curled his knees to his chest, fully wrapped in his cloak. For the first time in many weeks, he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep with no dreams.

Stone Walls & Sacrifice | Tamlin & Briar @springcourthighlady

Tamlin was more than ready to leave by the time he finished listening to Briar’s rant. He let her finish — he wasn’t that impolite. His brisk footsteps echoed across the marble flooring and he looked over his shoulder, hoping that he was not followed. 

Yet, he was not that lucky. The prospects of desert with Lucien and Elain were slipping further away by the minute. Tamlin stilled when she called his name, pressing his lips into a thin line. Why won’t she go home? This is life, in Spring, right now. We’re all worried. We’re all frustrated. We all have family in need of aid. No one gets special privileges. Not even me — 

He didn’t even have privacy anymore, or space to think. Though, when he glanced over his shoulder, he was relieved to find some regret in her eyes. 

Only his friends called him by his first name. He wasn’t big on enforcing rank, but found it odd how casually she addressed him. 

He pressed his tongue into the edge of his teeth, forbidding the quick retort which danced on the edge of his lips. I will not lose it. I cannot. They cannot see me as a beast. 

He turned, stuffing his hands deeply into the pockets of his jacket, to hide how they’d tensed into fists. Running from his problems wasn’t effective, but neither was forcing himself into a corner until he lost his temper. 

Tamlin saw her hand reach for him. He wanted to back away. It had been over two years since a woman had touched him, apart from Calanmai. He flinched, but did not move. He wasn’t sure he could. 

She cares for me? I have met this female once. 

Tamlin swallowed, gravely still. “I understand your attachment, Lady Briar. Yet, if you cannot trust me as High Lord of Spring, no plan I create to bring Caiden home will be enough for you.”

He stepped away, lowering his green eyes to the ground. “If you’ll excuse me, it has been a long day.” 

At least Briar seemed as jittery outside as he was inside. Her eyes followed him across the room with what he couldn’t discern as desperation or adoration. The first made more sense, but the way her cheeks turned pink made him worry that it was the second.

Why? Tamlin blinked and carefully organized his paperwork into a few, neat stacks. He couldn’t deny that even after a wonderful night of sleep, he was a bit on edge after yesterday, but her apology was appreciated. He knew that he should follow it with a thank you, but found that the words became stuck to his throat. 

“Sorry. Um, I don’t think I’m used to being well rested.” Tamlin scratched his head, reaching for a pitcher of water and two crystal glasses which were set to the side on a raised table. “Are you thirsty?” 

He poured two glasses of water and returned to sit at the desk, also reaching behind it for a plate of pastries which the staff left there every morning. She looked hungry. “I do apologize for my current state of existence. I am used to functioning with Lucien by my side and he is on leave to be with his mate, Elain. They are expecting an addition to their family before long.” 

Finally, Tamlin found the piece of paper which he was looking for and spread it across the table. It was a detailed map of the border. Before she could see confidential information, he quickly glamoured it away. “Show me the last place you saw Caiden.” 

Stone Walls & Sacrifice | Tamlin & Briar @springcourthighlady

Tamlin was more than ready to leave by the time he finished listening to Briar’s rant. He let her finish — he wasn’t that impolite. His brisk footsteps echoed across the marble flooring and he looked over his shoulder, hoping that he was not followed. 

Yet, he was not that lucky. The prospects of desert with Lucien and Elain were slipping further away by the minute. Tamlin stilled when she called his name, pressing his lips into a thin line. Why won’t she go home? This is life, in Spring, right now. We’re all worried. We’re all frustrated. We all have family in need of aid. No one gets special privileges. Not even me — 

He didn’t even have privacy anymore, or space to think. Though, when he glanced over his shoulder, he was relieved to find some regret in her eyes. 

Only his friends called him by his first name. He wasn’t big on enforcing rank, but found it odd how casually she addressed him. 

He pressed his tongue into the edge of his teeth, forbidding the quick retort which danced on the edge of his lips. I will not lose it. I cannot. They cannot see me as a beast. 

He turned, stuffing his hands deeply into the pockets of his jacket, to hide how they’d tensed into fists. Running from his problems wasn’t effective, but neither was forcing himself into a corner until he lost his temper. 

Tamlin saw her hand reach for him. He wanted to back away. It had been over two years since a woman had touched him, apart from Calanmai. He flinched, but did not move. He wasn’t sure he could. 

She cares for me? I have met this female once. 

Tamlin swallowed, gravely still. “I understand your attachment, Lady Briar. Yet, if you cannot trust me as High Lord of Spring, no plan I create to bring Caiden home will be enough for you.”

He stepped away, lowering his green eyes to the ground. “If you’ll excuse me, it has been a long day.” 

@inabcck

Anna Akhmatova, tr. by. D.M. Thomas, Selected Poems

Random thoughts of a: Day off Tamlin!

Day off Tamlin! Who likes to follow you around, hidden, as you pick flowers until you notice that he's not occupied with work

Day off Tamlin! Who flits around your ear disguised as a bumblebee, and when you scream and swat at him he shifts back into your tam, doubled over, laughing because he lives for teasing and taunting you sometimes

Day off Tamlin! Who wraps his arms around you as you fret, whispering sweet nothings and promises that he's sorry and he didnt mean to scare you, but then he gets that mischevious grin again that only you tend to see

Day off Tamlin! Who tells you theres something he wants to show you, but wont do it unless you agree to his bargain- a kiss, wherever he wants to place it.

Day off Tamlin! Who whisks you away to the hidden rabbit den in the western woods where some of his favorite mushroom fae mine them as pets

Day off Tamlin! Who lays on the forest floor, you breathing softly atop him as you doze, surrounded by bunnies snuggled up to you both