Finding Myself, Finding You: Chapter One

Finding Myself, Finding You: Chapter One

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Lydia Vector is a trauma surgeon trying to find herself again after a traumatic incident--on top of surviving the zombie apocalypse. Along the way, she finds community, friendship, and maybe something more.

Story is 18+ for mature content/themes, minors do not interact please

TW/CWs for this story--implied/referenced past rape, canonical violence, non-canonical violence, blood, gore, referenced past suicide, swearing, surgery, excessive drinking, nightmares, vomiting, amputation, medical procedures, non-con medical procedures, referenced past medical torture, referenced past drugging, attempted SA, panic attacks, mental health struggles, referenced sibling death, referenced parent death

Each chapter will have its own TW/CWs listed

This story, Lydia Vector, her family & bestie (c) me, TheVeganDarkElf

TWD & its characters (c) AMC & Robert Kirkman, the writer of the comic series

TW/CWs for this chapter--blood, violence, amputation, swearing

“Lydia Rae Vector, Board-Certified in Trauma Surgery!”

The grin that spread across my face caused my cheeks to ache. I looked out and saw my parents and brothers, who fought like hell for their front-row seats to witness their only daughter and sister receive her certification. This was the moment I had worked my entire life for.

My residency was complete. And my boards had been passed. I was officially a surgeon.

The “waterproof” mascara I had spent my last $20 on ran and flaked into my eye, causing it to water more. I take my certificate from the officiator, shake his hand, and look out to the audience once again.

And I see him. Every single time, I see him.

A man stumbling down the center aisle, appearing drunk and disorderly, but he’s covered in blood, and his skin is bluish-grey. Decomposition has clearly already started. That was evident by both the open wounds on his body and the putrid stench that accompanied him. And the rest always happens the exact same way.

The crowd notices him, and slowly, the entire auditorium falls silent. Security starts to come around from the emergency exits, but before they can get to him, the man has made his way to the front row.

And he attacks my mother.

Her screams, the screams of my father and brothers, the screams of the audience and the screams coming from my own throat haunt me. He rips her vocal cords out with one swift bite, and her screams cease as quickly as they began.

And this is always where my nightmare ends.

I wake up in a cold sweat, nothing unusual there. I throw myself upwards, letting out a small yelp and feeling all over myself with my hands, checking for wounds and blood. My mornings went exactly the same way.

Every. single. time.

The small shed I had spent the night in looked even dustier during the day. I used my hands to prop myself up off of the floor and and pulled my backpack, which was my pillow every night, out from behind me. Scooting slightly to my left to get out of the blinding sun coming in through the window, I unzipped it and went through the checklist that I always do, making sure every weapon I had was still in its place.

“Axe, knife, guns, spear,” I said out loud, pulling one of the small guns and the collapsible spear out and setting them on the ground next to me. Checking that the safety was still on for both guns, I checked for my other items. Nothing had ever been stolen from me in the night, but you couldn’t be too careful.

“Journal, water bottle, clothes, food, tools, gauze, lighter, bandages, disinfectant, sewing kit, pills, and my most unique weapon.” Once everything was accounted for, I took the blanket I had been using and folded it as best as I could, stuffing it in on top of everything. I slipped my water bottle out and took the smallest sip, just enough to get rid of my cotton mouth and dry throat. I slipped the gun I left on the floor into the strap on my leg and extended my spear, getting up off of the ground and dusting myself off.

I paused for a moment and listened to the birds chirping outside. I wonder what they were saying to each other, I thought to myself. They seem happy. Of course they did. They don’t have to live through the end of the world in the same way humans do.

My reveling in listening to bird calls was quickly interrupted by the sound of a scream. A human scream. And Walker groans.

I swung my backpack onto my shoulders and jumped to the corner next to the door. I lifted my head slowly, just enough for my eyes to enter the window frame.

There was a man, probably around my age, on the ground, and three Walkers surrounding him. I could see that he had lost his knife in the scuffle, and I imagine he was hesitant to use a gun because he didn’t want to attract more of the reanimated corpses. I readied my spear, took a deep breath, and kicked the door open in one fell swoop.

“Aye motherfuckers!” I yelled, drawing the attention of all three Walkers towards me. I skipped backwards, away from the man, putting a little more distance between myself & the undead. I swung my spear and stabbed the closest one right between the eyes, pulling it out and watching the heap fall to the ground. The other two went down similarly. I paused for a moment, perking up my ears and listening to make sure no others were coming.

Once it was clear, I ran to the man. He was still on the ground, groaning in pain. That’s when I saw the bite on his ankle. My heart sank. But I knew what I needed to do. I ran and kneeled down next to him.

“Hey, what’s your name man?” I said to him, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible. I saw a small glimmer of hope in his eyes.

“A-A-Aaron,” he said, gritting his teeth through the pain.

“Alright Aaron, my name is Vector. I’m a doctor, and I can save you, but we gotta get you inside that shed right there. Can you sit up?” He nodded and used his arms to pull himself into a sitting position. I got up on my feet and put an arm around his back, under his arms.

“Alright Aaron, let’s get you on your feet,” I told him, and I saw him nod out of the corner of my eye. He put his body weight onto his right foot & onto me, and we slowly stood up together. Thankfully, the shed was right by us. I got him through the door and helped him back down onto the floor. Once he was on his back, I moved like lightning to get out my small axe, disinfectant, lighter, bandages, gauze, and two of my shirts, one with long sleeves and a small one.

“Aaron, you probably know where this is going, but I’m going to have to cut your foot off. And then I’m going to cauterize your wound so it hopefully won’t get infected,” I said between inhales, taking the my smaller shirt and tying it into a knot to form a gag. We couldn’t have him attracting any more Walkers. “I need you to take this and bite down as hard as you can. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes…” Aaron said. I saw a couple of tears leave his eyes. He put the knotted shirt into his mouth, laying his head back onto the dirty floor. I poured a small amount of disinfectant onto my axe and onto his leg, just above the bite mark. Some of the disinfectant ran into the wound, and he writhed in pain.

“Alright.” I looked over at him, meeting his eyes, “I need you to stay completely still. Bite down as hard as you possibly can. You got this my man.” He squeezed his eyes shut. I raised the axe up, lining it up with where I was going to make my mark.

“I’m so sorry Aaron,” I whispered, swinging the axe down as hard as I could. Thankfully, his foot and ankle came off with one hit. His blood sprayed across the shed, getting onto the walls and all over both of us.

Despite the muffling of the shirt, his screaming was loud. The tears were flowing. And so was the blood. I grabbed my lighter with my right hand and grabbed Aaron’s hand with my left one, squeezing it to remind him he wasn’t alone.

“I’m going to cauterize it next. This pain is probably going to be worse, but I know you can do this. Just keep breathing through your nose and squeeze my hand when you need to,” I told him. He didn’t nod or acknowledge what I said in any way, but I had to keep moving to stop the bleeding. I flicked on my lighter and held it to his open wound, gliding it back and forth across the whole area. I did this for a couple of minutes to ensure the whole area had been cauterized. For Aaron, I’m sure it felt like hours. He squeezed my hand so hard that I was sure he was going to break it. His muffled screams were the only sound I heard.

“You’re doing great bud,” I spoke softly, “I have padding and gauze that I’m going to put onto it next, then I’m going to wrap it in one of my shirts. Keep biting onto that one for as long as you need.” This time, he opened his eyes, which were bright red from crying, and nodded. I took a couple of pads and pressed them to his leg, holding them in place while I started the gauze wrapping.

“I’m sorry I don’t have an ice pack or anything to help with the burning,” I said. He spat my shirt onto the ground and let out a small chuckle.

“Sorry? You just saved my life.” I took my long-sleeved plaid button-up and wrapped his leg in it, using the sleeves to tie it around his calf. He was still hyperventilating a little.

“Just rest for right now,” I instructed, “once you’re doing a little better, I’ll help you get back to your home base.” He tried to pull himself up to a sitting position, but I lightly pressed on his shoulders to let him know to lay back down, “Stay like that. Just focus on your breathing. I have some water, and I have food if you’re hungry.”

“What did you say your name was?” he asked me. I pulled my water bottle, which was about half-full, out of my bag.

“Vector,” I repeated. I scooted over to him and helped him lift his head enough to sip some water without choking on it. I took my knotted shirt and unknotted it, giving to him to wipe the tears and water off of his face. He rotated his head and looked up at me.

“Vector, why did you help me?” he asked, “you could’ve just killed me, saved your resources. Or taken my stuff and ran.” I squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

“I took an oath,” I explained, “I’m a doctor. This is what I do.”

“How can I—“ a cough stopped him mid-sentence, “repay you? I can get you food, water, supplies. I have a community. Just say the word and whatever you want is yours.” I leaned back and grabbed my spear, which I had dropped on the way in, and collapsed it fully, rolling back and forth on the floor between my hands.

“Honestly, I could just use directions to a certain place, I must be close to it by now. I’m looking for a safe zone, it’s called—“

“Alexandria.”

I cocked my head at him, my words catching in my mouth and my facial expression displaying my shock. “How did you know that?”

“It’s the only one around here. We’re only a couple miles out” he laughed. Despite my protests earlier, he used his upper body to pull himself up into a sitting position, leaning back against some boxes, “I’m actually from there. I’m a recruiter. I go out with my partner Eric, and we search for survivors, like yourself, and see who would make useful additions to our community. And hell, we could definitely use you.”

I couldn’t believe my luck.

“I’ve been looking for Alexandria for months.”

the way he leans into people when he goes for a hug :( how he lays his head on their shoulders making himself smaller

especially with carol he just looks so small every time

He is my little angel I need to keep him close and make him feel safe or else I'll die

Finding Myself, Finding You: Chapter Three

Masterlist

AO3 link

Story is 18+ for mature content/themes, minors do not interact please

TW/CWs for this story--implied/referenced past rape, canonical violence, non-canonical violence, blood, gore, referenced past suicide, swearing, surgery, excessive drinking, nightmares, vomiting, amputation, medical procedures, non-con medical procedures, referenced past medical torture, referenced past drugging, attempted sexual assault, panic attacks, mental health struggles, referenced sibling death, referenced parent death

Each chapter will have its own TW/CWs listed

This story, Lydia Vector, her family & bestie (c) me, TheVeganDarkElf

TWD & its characters (c) AMC & Robert Kirkman, the writer of the comic series

TW/CWs for this chapter--swearing, mention of nightmares

Word count: 2k

“Ok, so Rick, Daryl, Maggie, Glenn, Michonne, very pretty name by the way, and Carol. I think I’ve got it,” I said, pointing to each person as I said their name so I could associate names to faces. I followed the group up the steps and out into the sunshine. I took off my glasses and blew some dust off of the inside.

A teenage boy was sitting outside in the grass. He couldn’t have been older than 14, maybe 15, and he was holding an infant. They couldn’t have been more than 6 months old. I had to push the thoughts out of my head of what the mother must have gone through birthing a baby during the literal apocalypse.

“Carl, this is Vector,” Rick said to the boy. I assumed this was his son. I squatted down to Carl’s level. Carol said some things to Rick that I couldn’t make out before walking off.

“So you cut off Aaron’s foot?” he asked me. I chuckled a little and nodded.

“She saved Aaron’s life, and we can’t thank her enough for that,” Rick corrected.

“I’m a trauma surgeon. Probably the best kind of doctor to have around in a situation like this. It was far from my first amputation,” I told him, “and who is this little one?”

“This is my sister, Judith,” he replied. I cocked my head and admired the little baby in his arms. She just stared at me, wide-eyed, before giggling and waving her hands around at who knows what. ”Or Lil’ Ass Kicker, if you’re asking Daryl.”

“Well, she is adorable.” I stood back up and looked over at Rick, holding a hand up over my eyes to block out the sun. “So Rick, you seem like an authority figure in this place. Where do you want me at?”

“Vector, you’re gonna be sharing that house over there with Daryl,” Rick said, pointing to a house that was just out of my line of sight, “there’s plenty of space for two people.” I felt my heart stop for a moment, and my eyes grew wide. I felt my stomach churn at the thought of sharing a space alone with a man I’d barely met. I rubbed my rope scars.

“You want me where?”

“She’s goin’ where?” Daryl asked. The irritation in his voice was heavy. I could only see his shape in my peripheral, but I could feel the distaste for me radiating off of him. I thought I was going to choke on it.

“Daryl, it makes sense to keep her near the infirmary.” Rick retorted.

“I don’t know, is there like, someone who’s…not a man…that I can stay with?” I asked, then immediately recanted my statement, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be picky. Y’all were gracious enough to let me in, and I can’t thank you enough for that.” I looked over at Daryl, “we’ll make it work.”

“I dunno who 'we' is, but I ain’t the one,” he said. He slung his crossbow over his shoulder and sauntered away. I watched as he dragged his feet across the ground back to his, well now “our” house.

“He’s really not so bad once you get to know him,” Rick assured. I gave him a hesitant face.

“Are you sure? He seems, I don’t wanna be mean, but a little more than just rough around the edges. Will I be, umm,” I swallowed hard, “safe in there? Y’know, since I’m “tiny.””

“As long as you don’t swing first,” Glenn replied.

“Hey Maggie, you don’t, uh, happen to have a hair tie, do you? I had fashioned one out of gauze and a rubber band, but it broke.”

“Rosita might,” she said, patting me on the shoulder, “c’mon, Glenn and I can show you around and introduce you to everyone.” I gave a small smile and a nod. Her and Glenn started off, and I looked up at the sky and took in a deep breath of fresh air. My brothers and my dad crossed my mind.

“I wish you guys could see this,” I whispered, following after the two of them.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

After introductions to everyone, Glenn and Maggie took me over to the infirmary, where I stored the medical supplies I’d been carrying. After giving the remaining astronaut food to Rick to store in case of an emergency or a long journey and emptying it of gauze, bandages, disinfectant, pills, and small medical tools, my pack was much lighter. I still had yet to get my weapons back.

“So is Rick right?” I asked, following the two of them back outside, “about what he said about Daryl? I just get the vibe that he doesn’t like me, and I’ve hardly talked to the man.”

“Daryl’s very…” Maggie turned to Glenn before looking back at me, “protective of the people he cares about. You’re a fresh face. Don’t take anything too personally. And eventually, he’ll really see you as one of us. You’ll be fine.” She turned to look at the house I’d be staying and then back at me. “I’ll go in with you if that would make you more comfortable.” I swallowed and nodded.

She gave Glenn a quick kiss & he walked away before we headed over and up the tiny steps to the front door. It was a cute little grey house with large windows and flowers in the front that I was surprised weren’t dead. I figured gardening wouldn’t be at the top of anyone’s priority list in a time like this. Maggie knocked on the door and waited a few seconds before letting herself in.

“It’s Maggie and Vector!” she called out, letting me past her and closing the door behind us. No response. I unzipped my black combat boots and kicked them off. I let out a sigh of relief as my feet touched the floor, gently lifting each of my feet and pulling my socks off. The floor was ice cold under my feet.

“I’ve never been so excited to be barefoot. You forget about the little things, like being able to walk around without shoes on,” I said. I took a look around at what was in front of me. There was a set of stairs straight ahead, the kitchen off to the right with a small island in it, and a living area to the left with a couch, coffee table, and a chair. To the right of the stairs was a door, which I guessed was either a bathroom or a basement door.

“Well I bet you’re even more excited to get clean,” she said to me, “if this layout is anything like mine, which it looks like it is, I can show you where everything is at.”

“Hell yeah, let’s go,” I replied, following her over to and up the stairs. It felt strange to be walking around without my boots on. Previously, the only times I’d even taken them off were to quickly wash off when I’d find a creek, but that wasn’t very often. She led me to a room on the left and gently pressed the door open. Inside, there was a bed and a dresser with a mirror above it.

“This one’s you,” she told me, “oh, gimme your clothes & I’ll make sure they get washed.” I set my backpack down on the bed and fished my remaining clothes out.

“I would’ve been more than happy with just a chair cushion on the floor in a corner,” I beamed, handing my clothes over to her. I felt bad because they absolutely reeked, but she handled them as if there was no issue. Probably to not make me feel bad, which I appreciated. I left my bag on the bed and followed her back out to a door across the hall.

“This one’s the bathroom, and I'm guessing Daryl’s room is around the corner. Go ahead and enjoy a shower and I’ll see if any of us gals have some clothes you can borrow while yours get cleaned,” she said. I stepped into the small bathroom and turned to her.

“Maggie, I—“ I could hardly get my words out, “thank you for being so nice to me. And taking my clothes, showing me around. And letting me in in the first place. I promise I’ll be a productive member of the community here. I really can’t thank y’all enough.” I didn’t even think, I just grabbed her and gave her a giant hug. I don’t know what compelled me to do it. Maybe it was my lack of genuine human contact up to this point or being overwhelmed with the joy of finding a home. She slipped one arm out and hugged me back.

“I’m so sorry,” I said as I released her, “I should’ve asked you first.”

“You’re alright. It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you first get here. Don’t worry about it. And you’re welcome,” Maggie replied, “I’ll have the clothes in your room before you’re done.” We nodded to each other before she turned around and headed down and out the front door.

I quickly undressed and left my clothes in a pile that I could easily grab when I was done. I draped a towel across the back of the toilet and did my best to get the water to the right temperature. I almost cried when I first stepped underneath it. The amount of dirt that immediately ran off of me was abhorrent. I probably shampooed my hair 5 times, the product stinging the small wound on the back of my head. But I didn’t care. I was just happy to have clean hair. I was definitely a bit aggressive with the soap.

“Fuck,” I said to myself, turning towards the water and sticking my face under it, “I’ve never been so happy to get soap in my eyes.”

After cleaning every crack and crevice of my body multiple times, I stepped out and grabbed a towel, drying my face first and wrapping myself in it. It felt so soft, like it was my first time touching a bath towel. I took a moment to soak everything in before leaving the bathroom.

“Daryl?” I called out, poking my head out the door ever so slightly. When I didn’t hear a response or any sound of movement, I scuttled across the hallway to my room and quickly shut the door. Once I was in, I saw the clothes that Maggie had set out for me. There was a pair of black denim shorts, a black sports bra, some socks, and a hair tie. I sat down on the edge of the bed, and unable to contain myself anymore, I started sobbing. I covered my mouth with both hands to try to stifle the sounds.

My mom, my dad, Preston, Jay, Eli…they would never get to see Alexandria. I would never get to see their smiling faces, hear their laughs, experience their joy. There wouldn’t be any more reunions when they came home from deployment, no late-night trips to the grocery store, no more interrogations about boys, no father-daughter deep talks when neither of us could sleep. I couldn’t believe that out of everyone in my family, I was the one who made it out and alive. Not the Navy SEALs…me.

Being a surgeon who treated survivors of mass shootings, I was well-educated on survivor’s guilt, but damn, nothing prepares you for having to experience it yourself.

I took a few minutes to cry before drying myself off and throwing on the clothes Maggie left for me. I tied my wet hair up into a bun and tossed my towel on the bed. I took my glasses off and set them on the dresser before collapsing on the bed next to my backpack. I rolled onto my side and continued to cry. It was all I could do. I finally felt safe enough to grieve.

Eventually, sleep came, and with it came the nightmares. But they were different this time.

reblog if you’re a writer who feels guilt whenever they’re not writing and being productive, so I know I’m not the only one lol

Hello!

Hi guys, gals, and non-binary pals (and everyone in between)!

My name's Taylor, my pronouns are she/her, & I'm finally learning the ins and outs of Tumblr so I can post my work here. I'm starting with my first fanfic in TWD universe, titled Finding Myself, Finding You. It's a Daryl Dixon x OC romance, and I'm super proud of it. Chapter 1 has been posted & chapters will be updated regularly (as I've already written the whole thing lolol).

If you choose to check it out, I hope you enjoy it :)