Hour #4: Uchiha Madara And The Potato Wizard

Hour #4: Uchiha Madara and the Potato Wizard

Summary:

Madara accidentally signed a magical contract and had to receive match-making services. Of course, he tried his best to get out of it.

Author: greenchair (@greencuttingmat) Rating: Teen And Up Fandom: Naruto, Romantic Killer Relationship: Madara/Hashirama, Madara/Hikaku, Madara/Tobirama, Madara/Izuna, Hashirama/Mito [the only real couple in this fic is Hashirama/Mito], Hashirama/Mito/Madara, Madara/Obito Characters: Madara, Riri, Hashirama, Hikaku, Tobirama, Mito Other Tags: crack, no romantic relationship, one sided Madara/Hikaku, Madara is forever single, no beta we died like Shisui, because, Izuna Lives Word Count: 5,949

Notes:

This is the potato wizard that Madara saw.

The summer heat was almost unbearable that Madara had tied up his hair. Regardless how much he wanted to hide in a hole, Madara kept a steady pace of reading and replying to reports so that the ink won't dry out before he finished the stack. It was a steep learning curve for everyone involved in this new Uchiha-Senju alliance.

Izuna and a whole cohort of Uchiha witnessed the power Hashirama demonstrated as both Uchiha and Senju were commissioned by the Daimyo to chase Kyuubi away from the capital and had a little bit of breakdown, realizing Hashirama was holding back against them. Then the clan was split between manic despair and fanatic worship. The peace proposal went through the next time Hashirama suggested. While Izuna and Hikaku had managed to fight for a term beneficiary to Uchiha, the truth was Uchiha had surrendered to the Senju. Madara's last sibling didn't die at the hand of Senju, but was it worth it?

Fortunately, Hashirama wanted to realize their childhood dream, so they asked the Daimyo for rights to land and peace between the clans instead of gold and rice, and somehow they were here.

Madara would have to make this work. He learnt to talk with people, instead of talking to them and to work with Senju instead of fighting them.

So far, it has been going well. Izuna was alive; children were kept away from the battlefield; and Hashirama danced with him every few days. If only the elders would stop nagging him about getting married. Madara didn't plan to be tied down without long-term peace being achieved. He would not be seeing his children leaving for the Pure Land before him and in pieces.

Madara unrolled the scroll that he was reading till it was fully opened and placed it on the table. He took a look at his brush to make sure that he was using the brush inked with black and signed.

The texture was a bit <i>off</i>. Reflectively his Sharingan turned on and Madara finally saw through the very advanced genjutsu. Swop he attempted to grab the paper on top of the scroll but with a puff, it disappeared in smoke. Fuck! There were intruders and what would the energy do with his signature? Madara caught a glimpse of what he did sign - a matchmaking agreement?

At the periphery of his eyes, there was something purple. Immediately Madara threw a handful of kunai in that direction. The thing attempted to doge, but it was pinned onto the wall at its purple cape.

"Who summoned you?" Madara asked, laying chakra in his word to force the thing to answer truthfully. He has never heard about a summon like this. It may be a secret weapon of their enemy. And Uchiha and the newly established alliance had made a lot of enemies.

It was a yellow rat that was as round as a potato, with small round ears and grass-like limbs. It was wearing a purple pointy hat and a cape with yellow stars, holding a yellow star on a stick with two leaves on one hand, and the paper with his signature on the other hand.

Madara shunshined in to grab the paper but the creature shoved it into its cloak. In a hurry, its stick dropped onto the ground.

Madara narrowed his eyes. He picked up the flimsy stick. It didn't feel any special, without any power.

Madara pressed the star on the top of the stick onto the rat. "Return my signature and I will give you a quick death."

"Wait!" It said, voice shaking.

"I am listening," Madara said. His Sharingan spun slowly.

"I am Riri, a wizard! Well, you see, eh, the birthing rate of the Land of Fire is declining and ah, it's a problem for us in the magic land because, er, we rely on the innocence of human children as an energy source... And, ah, we are having shortages."

Madara had never heard about this, but there were many realms outside of the Shinobi land. "And?" Madara thought he should split the rat open and make it into jerky.

"Our office aimed to improve the birthing rate of the nation! Starting with people like you! Who had a big dream and would stay single without any help!" It sounded more confident as he continued.

"We didn't need your interference. The birth rate would pick up since there is peace now. Now return my signature!"

"Not until I help you get your true love." It held onto the star pressed onto its chest.

"Ridiculous. I don't need your help."

"Your father at your age already had four children. And you and your little brother? Zero!"

That thing had done its research and now Madara had even more reason to kill it.

Riri sensed its impending doom, and before Madara shoved the stick right through it, it disappeared along with the stick in smoke.

Read the rest on AO3.

GIGANTIC SHOUTOUT to @meeceisme whose freaking incredible Lilo&Stitch!founders comics (here and here) compelled me to draw this (I NEEDED to see the crayon drawing of Stitch!Madara, and then I desperately needed to see Tobirama add his peer review).

anyway... this is canon, right?

BILL WATTERSON ‘A cartoonist’s advice’

Suddenly!

Banning stuff is a slippery slope, and if you first allow some things to be banned, the people doing the banning will ask for more, and more, and more. They are not doing it "for the children". They are doing it to control what other people have access to, and rely on manipulating your feelings to get you to go along with it. And once you have gone along with it once, it easier to persuade you to go along with it again, and again, even when it reaches the point where you are no longer sure why the thing they want to ban is bad. You have already given them the power to decide for you, so you have to keep trusting that they know best, right? After all, you did agree that the first things were bad, so surely these things have to be bad somehow as well? And once they get to things you like, you might even be gaslit to feel guilty because you liked it. After all, if they want to ban it, it must be bad, right? Wrong. Don't fall for this. Even stuff you don't like can have value in ways you cannot understand or predict. (If for nothing else than to serve as a buffer to protect the things you do like.) The only way to gain proper insight into a subject is to step outside your echo chamber, and read things you might not agree with. You might still disagree with it after reading it, but your opinion holds more weight because it is now more informed. Don't let other people do your thinking for you.

Hi! RE: your journal about the right for lolicon fiction to exist even if you disapprove of it, would you say it can also exist for titillation purposes, or do you stand by it for artistic reasons, or for the purpose of exploring dark themes only? I always thought you were saying the former, but I just wanted to ask. It's chill if you don't wanna answer this. Have a good day!

Here we are, 15 years on from that blog entry, and I still haven't read any lolicon, I'm afraid, so I have no idea about its themes. The context was whether you should be sent to prison for owning lolicon. What I said back then was,

In this case you obviously have read lolicon, and I haven't. I don't know whether you're writing from personal experience here, and whether you have personally been incited to rape children or give inappropriate hugs by reading it. (I assume you haven't. I assume that Chris Handley, with his huge manga collection, wasn't either. I've read books that claimed that exposure to porn causes rape, but have seen no statistical evidence that porn causes rape -- and indeed have seen claims that the declining number of US rapes may be due to the wider availability of porn. Honestly, I think it's a red herring in First Amendment matters, and I'll leave it for other people to argue about.) Still, you seem to want lolicon banned, and people prosecuted for owning it, and I don't. You ask, What makes it worth defending? and the only answer I can give is this: Freedom to write, freedom to read, freedom to own material that you believe is worth defending means you're going to have to stand up for stuff you don't believe is worth defending, even stuff you find actively distasteful, because laws are big blunt instruments that do not differentiate between what you like and what you don't, because prosecutors are humans and bear grudges and fight for re-election, because one person's obscenity is another person's art.

Because if you don't stand up for the stuff you don't like, when they come for the stuff you do like, you've already lost.

Madara Uchiha