Only An Almost (III)

Only an Almost (III)

Chapter 3: By the Rules

Hello!! Here comes a new chapter! The Friends with Benefits is appearing in this one…

I hope you’ll like this chapter! Please, tell me what you think!

*************************************

Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader, friends with benefits AU

Warning: No explicit smut or nsfw content, but there are sexual themes and heavy make-out sessions (it’s a friends with benefits AU, I can’t really escape it), so 18+ only!

Summary: Andrew has been in love with you for years, and yet he has never confessed his feelings. But a night out celebrating the engagement of his best friend changes everything. However, you don't seem ready to be with him just yet. You make him an offer that he can't refuse... but will certainly regret.

Word Count : 2436

Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist

Andrew had fucked up.

He hadn’t slept at all, how could he? That look on your face was printed on his irises, he could see nothing but that image whenever he closed his eyes. He had fucked up, he had lost you forever because he had gotten drunk and had leaned into some delusional thought for a moment…

What a fool. What a fucking idiot…

He hadn’t cried though. For now, his body was holding up on a mixture of anxiety, guilt, regret and hope. Perhaps you could forgive him. If he apologized properly, you would surely forgive him. He could lie about all this, pretend that he hadn’t meant it, that he was simply drunk and particularly lonely these days – both statements that were true – and that he had acted without thinking – also true. Yes, it would barely be a lie, after all! The only element that would be untrue was to pretend that he didn’t mean it, that he didn’t see you that way. That would be a blatant lie. Would you be able to read through him?

And anyway, should he lie to you like this? What had transpired last night… Andrew wasn’t sure that he could keep on living with such a secret weighing on his heart for much longer. Could he look at you without thinking about this stolen moment? About the feeling of your lips against his? About how you tasted?

He heaved a sigh, and reached for his phone anyway. Something had to be done, it didn’t matter what. Whether he would decide to be honest or to keep on hiding his feelings for you, a discussion needed to be had.

He typed his text, took a deep breath, and pressed ‘send’.

Morning Y/N

We should talk about last night, what about we meet up and get some coffee?

Xx

He silently cursed himself for the xx, but then again, he always put these or little hearts for you. The idiot of a romantic that he was. How cheesy…

His deprecating thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing in his hand. Your name appeared on the screen.

Yeah, I reckon we should…

5pm today? At the usual café?

Andrew heaved a relieved sigh as he typed a reply. At least, you were still willing to talk to him, it ought to be a good sign…

… right?

The coffeeshop wasn’t busy. After all, it was Thursday afternoon, and despite the warm and cozy feeling brought by the flowers on the tables, the books on the shelves and the quiet lights of the lamps, people were too busy with their work and their lives. Andrew couldn’t help but be grateful as he looked around at all the empty seats and lonely tables around him. There were but five more people in the establishment, which meant that if things didn’t go well, he wouldn’t be humiliated in front of an entire crowd.

He tried to be more hopeful. He had taken a decision: he wouldn’t pretend that what had happened was a mere fluke, that it didn’t mean anything. He would confess that he didn’t see you as a friend. And if you didn’t feel the same, then it was alright, of course. If you wanted to stop seeing him altogether, he would understand completely. And if you wanted the two of you to remain friends, then he was ready to make it work, somehow. For now, at least… Andrew wasn’t certain that he could keep on seeing you as a mere friend for long, it was becoming too painful for him. But on the other hand, he couldn’t imagine his life without you in it. He would need time to adapt, either way.

He was fidgeting as he stared at the empty chair before him. He was aware of his terrible habit to be late at everything, but today was not the day to arrive after you. So, he had arrived early on purpose, just to be safe.

His leg was shaking with nerves, and he was roughly massaging his palm.

Would you even come? Perhaps you would chicken out? Perhaps you didn’t want to see him, after all, perhaps you had changed your mind? Perhaps…?

His thoughts fell silent as you entered the shop. They were replaced by butterflies and a sudden jump of his heart…

You greeted him with a shy smile, before taking the seat he was offering you.

“How are you? How was your day? You want a coffee? Or tea?”

“Tea, thanks, Andy.”

You were taking off your coat and getting settled while Andrew was gone to order you a drink. When he came back, you seemed just as nervous as he was, you were fidgeting with the sleeve of your jumper.

“There you go,” Andrew whispered as he handed you your cup of tea, voice gentle and warm.

“Thanks.”

“So, how was your day?”

“Good, grand,” you nodded as Andrew was sitting back down.

You exchanged some niceties for a few minutes, but Andrew wasn’t fooled. Your answers were short and you seemed just as anxious as he was. He opted for silence after a few minutes, letting you stir the conversation towards the main topic that you had to discuss.

“Andy, about last night…”

You bit down on your lower lip, eyes fleeing his gaze. His heart was racing, beating so fast it could have exploded.

He cleared his throat, starting to rub at his palms again.

“Yeah… last night, huh…”

“You… you kissed me.”

It was his turn to avert his eyes while you looked up at him. He nodded his head.

“Yeah… I did.”

“Why?”

He let out a dry chuckle. His gaze settled on a couple a few tables away, a large coffee before both of them. They were smiling, he was reaching for her hand. Andrew refrained his sudden urge to scream at them.

“Isn’t that obvious? Why do people kiss other people?” he asked back.

“You were drunk.”

“Not that drunk. And you didn’t push me away.”

“I was drunk.”

“Were you that drunk?”

“Andy, look at me.”

He bit hard on the inside of his cheek as he complied. He couldn’t refuse you anything, anyway…

His right hand rose to painfully rub at his collarbone, the skin quickly turning a bright shade of red.

“Why did you kiss me last night?”

He blinked a couple of times, noticed the way you swallowed too hard.

“Because I wanted to.”

Your lips parted a little.

“Because you… you’re attracted to me?” you asked, and Andrew could have laughed at your puzzled expression, you almost looked scared now.

Scared? Why would you be scared of him? He would do anything for you. God, Andrew could die for you if you asked…

And what was that question, even? Attracted to you? The understatement of the century…

“You can say that, yeah.”

You slowly nodded. He took the opportunity of a moment of silence to drink a long gulp of his coffee, and then another, the bitterness biting at his tongue in a way that made him think about something else than your eyes and the way your lips looked as you bit them again, how much he wanted to kiss your mouth…

“So… you want to have sex with me.”

Andrew choked, grabbing a napkin before he would spill anything, coughing as he put down the cup back on the wooden table.

“Sorry… that was a bit blunt,” you said, but he knew you weren’t sorry at all.

You let him cough, try to catch back his breathing.

“Way too blunt, as always,” he half-joked.

“Andy, I…”

You heaved a sigh, rubbing at your temples like you were focused on a math problem at school. Was that what his kiss was? A problem to be solved?

“Look, I… Andy, you know I care about you. A lot. You’re… you’re one of my closest friends.”

He nodded.

“But?”

“But I can’t handle a relationship right now. Whether it’s with you, or anyone else, I just… I’m trying to figure myself out, I have this new job, I… I can’t handle dating someone, right now.”

“It’s okay, I understand,” he offered you a reassuring smile, and Andrew silently congratulated himself for hiding his disappointment so well. Or his heart breaking, to be fair…

“I can’t handle that…”

“I understand. It’s not the right time for you, I get it. It’s alright. It won’t happen again, you don’t have to worry.”

“But you… you’re attracted to me, right?”

He frowned, wondering why you were asking again.

“Like… if I told you that I wanted to sleep with you, you wouldn’t be against that, right? That’s why you kissed me last night?”

His heart was beating a thousand miles a minute. What was he supposed to answer to that? Pretend like he had never dreamt of making love to you all night? Lie and say that he didn’t mean it, that it was a mistake? Damn, that was the best kiss he had ever had…

“What am I supposed to answer that? You’ve just stated that you don’t want anything romantic to happen in your life at the moment. I’m not stupid, it’s alright. I understand, it won’t happen again.”

You heaved a sigh, your stare intense and yet he could see that you were looking for an answer in his soul, like you were scared as you spoke again.

“What if I want to have sex with you?”

His eyebrows shot upwards. He struggled to swallow, struggled to breathe as he shifted in his seat to lean forward, closer to you. He readjusted his glasses on his nose, and he noticed the way you stared, as if you liked what you saw.

“Do you? Want me like that?”

Damn, he was certain he was about to faint, how could a human hold their breath for so long? And this knot in his stomach, he was going to be sick at this rate…

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I do.”

He could hardly believe it. And yet he had witnessed the movement of your lips around those words, there was no doubt left to have. He nervously licked his lips, went back to rubbing at his collarbone as if he wanted to tore the flesh from it. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry or to laugh or simply to finally have a full intake of breath.

“I don’t follow,” he admitted, although it was more that his brain couldn’t possibly compute what you were stating.

“I want you. Physically, I mean. I want you.”

“But you don’t want a relationship.”

“No, I don’t. But you’re handsome, and I’m attracted to you too.”

And that’s when the realisation struck, and it acted like a cold shower, like the icy water hitting his skin when he dove in the ocean in winter. Same shock that took all the air out of his lungs. To be fair, he had not noticed before that he had any oxygen left in these organs of his. It was like… getting a punch in the guts.

“So… you want… just sex? Nothing more.”

It wasn’t really a question, something closer to a statement. He had hoped, for a second, that you felt the same. But you just wanted sex. And he wanted so, so much more…

“Yeah. I mean… like a… friends with benefits situation, you know? Like… we would still be the same, but… with the sex too.”

“But it wouldn’t mean a thing,” he protested, but you didn’t seem to read that feeling in his voice, considering your answer.

“No, it wouldn’t mean anything. Just… two pals who find each other attractive releasing some tension.”

Releasing some tension? Yoga was for releasing tension, not sleeping with the woman he was secretly desperately in love with?!

“What do you say? Would you like that?”

You were serious. He couldn’t believe you were serious… Couldn’t you see that Andrew was in love with you? Couldn’t you… couldn’t you feel it last night? In the way he held you, in the way he touched you, in the way he kissed you?

This was a bad idea. A terrible, terrible idea that would surely backfire and kill him in the end…

“I… I don’t know, to be honest. I’m not sure I want that.”

Slowly, you nodded, leaning further away from him, back against your chair, and he wanted to reach out to pull you closer again, even if you were still separated by the table.

“Okay. I’m sorry I asked that. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“It’s alright. You only asked a question.”

“So… we forget about the kiss then?”

That was the only option, of course. The only reasonable way out of this mess.

Damn it.

“Actually… why not?”

It was your turn to raise a surprised eyebrow. Andrew struggled not to smile when you leaned closer again.

“Really?”

“But then… we need some rules. Cause… that could become… complicated…”

“You’ll hurt yourself.”

“What?”

You nodded towards his shoulder, and he finally noticed that he had been rubbing at the skin too hard.

“Andy, relax, it’s just me. Stop it, you’re gonna hurt yourself.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled, resting his hands on the table only to start rubbing at his palms. He didn’t even know why he was apologizing.

“It’s okay if you don’t want me like that. We can remain friends.”

“I… I do want you, Y/N. That’s not the problem.”

“The problem?”

I’m not sure I’ll survive if I have you for a moment, and then you leave.

“Friends with benefits… that’s usually messy.”

“Not if we establish rules.”

“What rules?”

“Well, first, no kissing outside of the bedroom. Only for sex. Second, we don’t fall asleep together. Third rule, no one can know about this. And just… If we do this, it can’t be anything but sex. We can’t get attached like this. It’s just… it’s just sex, nothing more.”

Slowly, he nodded. It was a terrible idea. And yet, what else could he be to you? After that kiss last night, Andrew didn’t believe he could remain a mere friend to you for long. And if you couldn’t be in a relationship now, then this was the next best thing he could get. He could still have you, in a way. He could still be yours. And maybe one day, you would want more…

You offered him your open hand. Like signing a contract. Agreeing to a business offer.

“What do you say?”

Andrew raised his hand to meet yours.

“Alright, let’s do this.”

Only an Almost (X)

Chapter 10: Too Sweet

Hello!! Here is another chapter! This one is very fluffy!! (Surprising, I know) Also, some heavy make-out… let me remind you that this is not written for minors!

We are already halfway-through this fic, as it will be 20-chapters long!

I hope you’ll like this chapter! Please, tell me what you think!

*************************************

Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader, friends with benefits AU

Warning: No explicit smut or nsfw content, but there are sexual themes and heavy make-out sessions (it’s a friends with benefits AU, I can’t really escape it), so 18+ only!

Summary: Andrew has been in love with you for years, and yet he has never confessed his feelings. But a night out celebrating the engagement of his best friend changes everything. However, you don't seem ready to be with him just yet. You make him an offer that he can't refuse... but will certainly regret.

Word Count : 1549

Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist

Fucking adorable, that was what you were…

As you looked at Andrew with a grin on your lips, expectant, excited, a tidal wave of affection washed over his heart. A warm, peaceful, affectionate feeling that made him giddy, created butterflies in his stomach, made his heart speed up and a dreamy smile form on his lips.

You were trying to get a peek inside his cupboard, to see his brand-new harvest of honey. He had promised you would get some to take home, and had prepared a little honeypot for you. He wasn’t sure why, but seeing you this excited for something as simple as this was turning his heart into a puddle.

“There you go, this one’s yours.”

He handed the small jar. It was nothing special. A plain glass jar filled with honey. You were grinning as you took it in your hands.

“Thank you!”

You rose to your tiptoes to drop a peck to his cheek, and he couldn’t help but blush as he hurried to close the cupboard.

“It’s nothing…”

“It’s your honey! Of course, it’s something! You’ve worked hard to make it.”

“To be fair, the bees are the ones doing all the work,” he dodged the compliment, scrubbing at his cheek in a nervous gesture, feeling his cheeks get warm.

“True,” you admitted in a giggle. “But even if that’s the case, you’re still doing more than I would.”

“Taking care of bees isn’t that hard, you could do it.”

“I don’t know… I’m a little scared at the idea of being surrounded by bees.”

“You’re wearing a suit, it’s alright. It’s perfectly safe. Besides, you’re not harming them, so they won’t harm you either. Perhaps one day, I could teach you. And you could make honey too!”

It would be our honey…

“Hmm… still… I’ll leave the making of the honey to you, and focus on the eating!”

You opened the jar, smelled the sweetness of the nectar inside. You hummed, closing your eyes.

“Smells so good.”

You dipped your finger inside, licked it clean. Andrew struggled to swallow, looking away, trying to control himself.

“It’s delicious! God, Andy! This is so good!”

But Andrew wasn’t looking at you. Instead, he was looking outside, at the rain falling on his garden, holding on the kitchen counter, trying to forget the thoughts that had come up in his mind, the sins he wanted to commit with you…

“You know what would be delicious? Some fruits! Some fruits with your honey would be delicious!”

You opened the cupboard, picked up a plate, and then you reached for the drawer and picked up a knife. Andrew washed an apple and handed it to you without a word. You had spent too much time in his house for this not to be natural. You in his kitchen, making snacks. In silence, he filled up a kettle, still unable to look at you but hiding it well.

You took some mugs from the cupboard above his sink, rising to your tiptoes to reach them. It made Andrew grow a tender smile.

And it was easy. Being there, doing something so insignificant and domestic in his house with you… like you belonged there. It was obvious, the way you moved in this space he called home, like it was yours more than his.

He could picture himself doing this every day with you. Letting you in the spaces that were most private to him, the ones that made him feel safe. You belonged there. You belonged in the warmth of a home he would call his…

“I’ll let you cut the apple, or else you will criticize what I’m doing. I’ll make tea instead,” you told him, a playful smile on your lips, bringing him back to earth.

He rolled his eyes, but couldn’t deny that you were right. So, he picked up the knife and cut the apple into slices, the way his mother had taught him years ago, in another kitchen, in another safe place he called home.

You chose your favourite tea, there was always a stache of it in his home. Your favourite biscuits too. Your favourite ice-cream. Your favourite book. Your favourite movie. Your shampoo and soap had been added recently, now that you stayed for a shower. But pieces of you had always been here, you had always been here…

You put the pieces in a bowl, added a little bit of honey, just enough to make the fruit sticky and sinfully sweet. You gave a happy wiggle when you ate the first piece, not waiting for Andrew to give you a fork, and instead, picking it up with your fingers, making them sticky as well.

“Delicious!” you complimented him, making his heart jump.

This afternoon was lovely. It was raining hard outside, the sky a mournful shade of grey; but it was warm inside Andrew’s home, and you were happy and smiling, and joking around, and life was good for as long as you were in it…

Andrew didn’t think as he bent down, capturing your lips with his. He barely registered his movements when he wrapped his arms around you, holding you close, a hand sprayed across your spine, the other holding firmly your waist. You let out a surprised sigh, and then you blinked your eyes closed, hands coming up to cradle his face.

You tasted of apple and honey, sweetness at its finest. Too sweet to be real…

Your lips were sticky with the juice of the fruit and the sugar of the honey. Andrew didn’t care. He didn’t mind either when your fingers ran down his neck to open the buttons of his shirt. He could feel the sugar on them too.

You broke free from his embrace, leaving him dizzy with your taste and your warmth against his body. He blinked down at you.

“Sorry, my hands are all sticky. Hang on.”

You washed the honey away, and Andrew waited impatiently next to you, opening and closing his fists, trying not to reach out, not to scare you away.

You were so beautiful…

“Better,” you smiled, showing your clean hands, and he smiled back at you without noticing.

God, he loved you so fucking much, and he couldn’t say it. But then again, he saw how your gaze softened, how your expression grew peaceful with tenderness. And he caught himself dreaming that this could be love, that you could feel the same.

It was stupid, perhaps, it was him forgetting about the major obstacle that was his career, and your fear of living a lonely life because of him. Still, as he looked at you then, he let himself believe for a second that one day, he could finally speak the words that rested for now on the tip of his tongue.

Still, your touch was soft when you took his hand in yours.

“Andy?”

He hummed, raising an eyebrow to encourage you to speak.

“Can we go to your bedroom now?”

You added mischief to your smile, it made him dizzy; thoroughly addicted to the sight too.

He gently pulled on your hand so you would follow him. You didn’t steal kisses until you were both standing in front of his large bed. And then your lips were back on his, you were freeing his hair from the messy bun he had been sporting. His hand slipped under your t-shirt and your jumper, spreading his fingers over your bare skin. Warm. Soft. Making his entire body burn with desire.

When his lips moved to your neck, you let out a moan, and he reckoned that this ought to be the sound of heaven, the perfect melody he had been looking for all his life.

“Can I be on top?” you asked in a tone made shaky by his fingers pulling on your bra.

“Whatever you want, honey,” Andrew mumbled into your skin, before attaching his lips to yours again.

You didn’t correct him, let him have the pet name. Perhaps your mind was as blurry as his while you kissed passionately, while your fingers finished to unbutton his shirt. The blink of an eye, and somehow you were shirtless, skin exposed to the air and to Andrew’s angry lips while you stumbled to reach his bed.

He lost his shirt before you gently pushed him on the bed, and then you were lying on top of him, and Andrew had to pinch himself to remember that this was real, no matter how many times he had lived this scene before.

You hovered over him, just a breath away, looking at him like you were admiring him…

“You’re so handsome, Andy…” you let out in a whisper, like a confession. It made his body slightly tremble.

“You’re gorgeous, Y/N.”

You shook your head, and he caught himself thinking that this look in your eyes held more than infatuation or physical attraction. Something closer to adoration, the kind of gazes he aimed at you.

You blinked, eyes glimmering in the light made dim by the rain outside. Your voice was deeper when you spoke, almost hoarse, as if tightened with emotions.

“Andy… I lo…”

But you stopped, left him suspended to your words. You let out a shaky breath, and instead of speaking, merely kissed him again.

Yarn holder

Nothing will make me laugh harder than Hozier spending an entire verse of First Time being like "my life was saved by the beauty of a bouquet of flowers, do you think flowers realize they're dying once they've been cut? How cruel we are to end the life of something that spent its entire being striving for the simple joy of feeling the sun. Isn't it crazy how they give it their all, trying desperately to be alive and to, if not stave off death, then to go out with beauty and knowing you have nothing left" and then finishing the verse by going "anyways" as if he just said that to you like, in line at the grocery store

Only An Almost (V)

Chapter 5: Doubting

Hello!! Here comes a new chapter! There are mentions of sex in this chapter, so a little reminder that this series is not meant to be read by minors. Thank you!

I hope you’ll like this chapter! Please, tell me what you think!

*************************************

Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader, friends with benefits AU

Warning: No explicit smut or nsfw content, but there are sexual themes and heavy make-out sessions (it’s a friends with benefits AU, I can’t really escape it), so 18+ only!

Summary: Andrew has been in love with you for years, and yet he has never confessed his feelings. But a night out celebrating the engagement of his best friend changes everything. However, you don't seem ready to be with him just yet. You make him an offer that he can't refuse... but will certainly regret.

Word Count : 2435

Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist

Three weeks passed. You had spent twelve nights together.

Now, Andrew knew every detail of your face as you reached orgasm, the beauty spot on your back he loved kissing, the perfect place across your neck to kiss and nip that made you squirm in his arms, the way the most intimate parts of you tasted, how your legs shook when his fingers touched that spot, how you smelled when he held you close after you were both content and happily floating above the room. He knew you liked to hold his hand right after sex, that you loved when he stroked your back or your cheek to help you ease down into the mortal world, that you took your showers way too hot, that you didn’t like when his beard brushed that part of your ribs because it tickled too much. He had mapped every inch of your body with his eyes, his fingers, his lips, his tongue. He knew how to pleasure you precisely by now, how to read through your breathing what you needed him to do to feel as good as possible, how to worship your body the way you deserved.

And judging by your gestures, you had spotted too that he adored when you kissed his collarbone and his chest. That he had a weak spot at the base of his neck, that he was ticklish right behind his knee, that he melted whenever you dragged your fingertips across his spine, and you tugged on his hair the perfect way nor too harsh nor too soft but the ideal strength that turned him on to no end. You had touched and kissed all of him too by now.

Despite this new intimacy, despite the tenderness with which you held him in your arms as he struggled to find back his breathing, the way you whispered his name in pleasure as if in a prayer, the way you showered him in gentle touches and kisses… you still acted the same as always outside the bedroom.

You talked the same, stood next to him at a perfectly respectable distance, asked him about his day and his mom and his bees the way you had always done, as if… as if there was nothing abnormal. As if he had not heard you shout his name in pleasure the night before. As if you could truly spend nights making love to him and act like nothing had changed, when… everything had changed.

Perhaps he just needed to be patient. You would come around. You would love him, eventually. Besides, he was probably not even the problem at all! You had told him that you didn’t want a relationship, with anyone. The fact that you were still sleeping with him showed that you liked him enough to blur that boundary, despite your decision. Yeah, it was an encouraging sign. If he just… if he just waited, and if he made efforts to make you happy and…

“Andy? You’re alright?”

“Hmmm?”

“You’re okay?”

He blinked back at you. You had put on an old t-shirt again to cover yourself, but he had nothing on. He felt naked, vulnerable, self-conscious. He drew the covers higher across his chest.

“You want some coffee before leaving? It’s pretty late,” you offered, and if there was kindness in the offer, it still broke his heart.

“I… I don’t know. I’m not sure I can drive,” he answered earnestly.

“You can sleep in the guest room, if you want.”

He looked away to hide the tears that gathered in his eyes.

He was inside you ten minutes ago, he had tasted you, touched you, made you unravel under him several times this evening… and all you could give him was the guest bedroom?

It wasn’t just heartbreak, he realized. It was more vicious than that. You made him feel terrible about himself. Did he not mean more to you than that? You could let him do all these things to you… but you couldn’t fall asleep in the same bed? Really?

“No, no, no… it’s okay, I can drive.”

“It’s late, stay the night. You’ll leave tomorrow morning.”

“I’m fine.”

“It’s dangerous, Andy.”

“I said I’m fine.”

You frowned at the harshness of his tone.

“What’s wrong? Did I… Did I do something wrong while we were…”

You left your sentence suspended in mid-air, as if you couldn’t say it. Couldn’t say that you had just had sex with him. What the fuck was wrong with you?

“Sex was amazing, that’s not the problem.”

“What’s the problem, then?”

You seemed to truly have no clue. You seemed genuinely concerned, worried even. Like you cared. Like you cared so fucking much for him. And yet, he was worthy of a moment of pleasure, and the guest bedroom…

“Nothing, I’m sorry. I’m not tired enough to stay, don’t worry. I can drive home.”

“Can you text me, then, when you’re home?”

“Don’t worry…”

“It’s two in the morning, of course I worry.”

He didn’t argue, merely nodded.

He gathered his clothes, got dressed, left without trying to kiss you, he knew you wouldn’t let him.

No kissing without sex.

He was about to fall asleep after mere minutes behind the wheel, so he stopped on the first parking spot he saw. He waited for a plausible time, and texted you.

I’m home.

Your answer buzzed in his pocket right when he was about to fall asleep.

Good to hear. Sleep well, Andy. Xx

He couldn’t keep on doing this for long. Making love to you, and then feeling like shit about himself because you couldn’t bother letting him fall asleep in your bed. Or hold you close. Or kiss you before leaving.

He closed his eyes, unable to decide on what to do next. Should he just call it quits, already? Stop everything and save himself from suffering… but he would stop having you like this too…

His breathing deepened as he finally surrendered.

Sleep well, Andy…

Rugby night at the pub had turned into Sam freaking out about his wedding, and Andrew taking notes about things he needed to help planning.

Luckily, there was no touring planned, no album to be released before the wedding. He had some charity work to be done, Mavis had called for a concert and he couldn’t refuse the woman anything… all in all, there wasn’t to come. Workwise, Andrew was in a writing phase, shutting himself up into his house for hours was most of what would happen in the coming months. He could help to plan the wedding, he had time for it. And considering the level of stress Sam was under, Andrew’s help wouldn’t be too much…

“Daphne started to mention appetizers yesterday… there are like… so many of these… How am I supposed to choose that? I didn’t fucking know there could be so many appetizers?!”

“Sam, calm down, for Christ’s sake! You’re this far from having a stroke.”

“Easy for you to say, Andy! You’re not the one getting married!”

“You have five months, Sam… Five months. There is plenty of time for you to choose your appetizers.”

“Add it to the list. How many things do we have to plan?”

“Hmmm… I think I’m up to twenty…eight. Twenty-eight things.”

“God… why did I ask Daphne to marry me…”

Andrew opened his mouth to offer a joke, but Sam shushed him with a raised finger.

“Rhetorical question. Don’t.”

“Come on, relax, Sam. You’ll be perfectly fine. Everyone else manages to plan a wedding, you can too.”

“Not everyone else… don’t you remember the fiasco that my uncle’s wedding was?”

“I sang at that wedding!”

“That was the only decent part in the entire day.”

“Thanks, Sam.”

“You were seventeen, don’t get ahead of yourself, you were still pretty shite.”

“Ha, there you go. I thought someone had replaced you with some weird doppelgänger stuff. Or a clone, even.”

“Android?”

“Or organic.”

“Did I grow in a tube?”

“Yeah… with the disgusting liquid.”

“Nice…”

The two friends exchanged a smile.

“Please, stop being so worried. Your wedding will be amazing. Besides… who cares about appetizers? The important part is you marrying the love of your life.”

“I know that this comes from a very romantic point of view, but that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. You’ve met my mom. God, you’ve met Daphne’s mom… anything goes wrong, it’ll be the bloody apocalypse!”

“We’ll find your body somewhere in Wicklow…”

“In the bog.”

“Tragic. I can see the headlines already…”

“I’m sure you’ll have a lovely speech for my funerals, though.”

“Absolutely not. I’ll reveal my true feelings about you, gobshite.”

Sam couldn’t keep the act up any longer, and both him and Andrew exploded with laughter.

“I’m picturing your mother just… shouting at you about appetizers,” Andrew laughed, choking and tears pearling at the corners of his eyes as he doubled over.

Sam was barely breathing at this point, throwing his entire body backwards against the chair.

It took the two of them a moment to calm down. When he looked at his friend again, Sam’s gaze was full of fondness.

“I’m sorry to bother you about that while we could be watching rugby with the rest of the lads.”

“It’s alright. You’re stressed. Besides, I don’t have a real job, plenty of time on my hands to handle your nervous breakdowns.”

“True! You parasite.”

“Absolute junk of our society.”

“Nothing productive coming from you, that’s for sure.”

“I shout very loudly though, it ought to be worth something.”

“Well, apparently, it’s worth millions.”

“Do you want me to shout at your wedding?”

Sam’s lips curled into a smile.

“Aren’t you too expensive for a poor lad like me.”

“Undoubtedly. But if you promise to quit freaking out about appetizers, I might yield.”

“It would be amazing. Thank you, Andy. I’d love for you to sing. Actually, we’ve been talking about it with Daphne… could you do Work Song for our first dance?”

“It would be an honour. Of course, I can.”

“We were hesitating with Cherry Wine…”

“Don’t do this to me, Sam.”

They both exploded with laughter again.

“Don’t do this to me. I will never understand…”

“Don’t people just… listen to the lyrics?” nodded Sam.

“I don’t know, man…” Andrew heaved a sigh. “Sometimes they just kill me.”

His phone buzzed, and there was your name on it. Printed there in the pixels. He didn’t check your text, even though he wanted to.

“Andy?”

“Hmm?”

“What’s going on between you and Y/N?”

Andrew averted his gaze, drank some of his beer. On the screen at the back of the pub, Ireland was earning three points with penalty kick. People were shouting, and it was loud and merry.

“What do you mean? Nothing’s going on,” Andrew answered, a terrible liar.

“You’ve been weird.”

“I’m always weird.”

“True, but not the usual weird. You’re not on the ‘I love her and I’m too much of a fool to tell her’ kind of weird, you’re on a ‘I feel like shite’ kind of weird.”

“Both miserable situations…”

“True. But then, you’re a moron, it doesn’t help.”

“Thanks for the compliment.”

Andrew heaved a sigh.

“I can’t tell you about it. She asked me not to tell you about it.”

“So… something did happen between you and Y/N.”

There was a pregnant pause.

“You can’t tell anyone about this, Sam. I’m serious.”

“Of course, I promise.”

“Not even Daphne.”

“Don’t push it. There are no secrets between us.”

“Sam… please… it’s not your secret, it’s mine.”

He heaved a sigh, but Sam nodded anyway.

“What’s wrong then?”

Andrew struggled to swallow when he lifted his glass of Guiness up to his lips.

“Y/N and I, we… we’ve slept together.”

Sam’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline.

“What?! But… that’s amazing!”

“Is it?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” retorted Sam, taken-aback.

Andrew heaved a painful sigh and rubbed his eyes.

“Because she doesn’t want to be in a relationship.”

“Oh.”

“So, we’ve agreed on some kind of… friends with benefits situation. And I… I’m starting to regret it.”

“You bet. Damn… why the fuck would you agree to something like that, though? You’re crazy about the woman!”

“I know, I know… I thought… I thought that she would… I don’t know what I thought. It was that or nothing, and I guess I imagined that having a part of her was better than not having her at all. I was wrong. This is fucking killing me.”

Andrew buried his head in his hands.

“What the fuck did I do, Sam? What did I do? And what the fuck do I do now?”

“Do you want this to go on?”

Andrew shook his head no, face still in his palms.

“Then, tell her you want it to stop.”

“I don’t want this to stop. I don’t want… not to have her. I want to date her.”

“Tell her that then.”

“She explicitly told me that she didn’t want to date anyone. If I say that, she’ll just… leave. She won’t say yes.”

“You need to speak to her. It won’t end well for you, Andy. What if she feels the same?”

“I’ll wait for her,” Andrew answered without a hesitation. “I’ll wait as long as she needs.”

“Then tell her that.”

But Andrew blinked back some tears as he painfully rubbed at his palms.

“What if she doesn’t feel the same?  What then?”

“Then… you’ll move on. It will only mean that she isn’t the one.”

Andrew slowly nodded, resting his chin in his palm and his elbow on the table, but he didn’t seem convinced, and indeed, he wasn’t. What if he lost you for good then? What if you never wanted to see him again? Was it worth it?

“You’re going to do something stupid, I can feel it,” Sam sighed with a shake of his head.

“No…”

“You’re going to ignore my advice.”

“No, I… I’m weighing the pros and the cons.”

“And?”

“And I agree that I can’t handle my relationship with Y/N being just about sex. But I am also terrified at the thought that she will reject me for good. Cause I… I don’t think I could still be her friend. Not after… knowing her that way.”

“Can I be brutally honest?”

“As if you aren’t always…”

“You’ve seriously fucked up accepting this situation with her…”

“Don’t I know it.”

Sam stared at his friend for a moment.

“You really do love her, don’t you?”

Andrew settled an empty stare on his beer.

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m afraid I do.”

Hozier on the two previously unreleased songs from Wasteland, Baby!

❝ Further copies of the Wasteland, Baby! 5th anniversary 2LP coloured vinyl are available to pre-order 🖤

The album has 5 tracks that didn't feature on the original plus 2 previously unreleased tracks, Why Would You Be Loved & Be (Acoustic). ❞