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Only an Almost (III)

Chapter 3: By the Rules

Hello!! Here comes a new chapter! The Friends with Benefits is appearing in this one…

I hope you’ll like this chapter! Please, tell me what you think!

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Pairing: Hozier x fem!reader, friends with benefits AU

Warning: No explicit smut or nsfw content, but there are sexual themes and heavy make-out sessions (it’s a friends with benefits AU, I can’t really escape it), so 18+ only!

Summary: Andrew has been in love with you for years, and yet he has never confessed his feelings. But a night out celebrating the engagement of his best friend changes everything. However, you don't seem ready to be with him just yet. You make him an offer that he can't refuse... but will certainly regret.

Word Count : 2436

Masterlist for the series – Hozier’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist

Andrew had fucked up.

He hadn’t slept at all, how could he? That look on your face was printed on his irises, he could see nothing but that image whenever he closed his eyes. He had fucked up, he had lost you forever because he had gotten drunk and had leaned into some delusional thought for a moment…

What a fool. What a fucking idiot…

He hadn’t cried though. For now, his body was holding up on a mixture of anxiety, guilt, regret and hope. Perhaps you could forgive him. If he apologized properly, you would surely forgive him. He could lie about all this, pretend that he hadn’t meant it, that he was simply drunk and particularly lonely these days – both statements that were true – and that he had acted without thinking – also true. Yes, it would barely be a lie, after all! The only element that would be untrue was to pretend that he didn’t mean it, that he didn’t see you that way. That would be a blatant lie. Would you be able to read through him?

And anyway, should he lie to you like this? What had transpired last night… Andrew wasn’t sure that he could keep on living with such a secret weighing on his heart for much longer. Could he look at you without thinking about this stolen moment? About the feeling of your lips against his? About how you tasted?

He heaved a sigh, and reached for his phone anyway. Something had to be done, it didn’t matter what. Whether he would decide to be honest or to keep on hiding his feelings for you, a discussion needed to be had.

He typed his text, took a deep breath, and pressed ‘send’.

Morning Y/N

We should talk about last night, what about we meet up and get some coffee?

Xx

He silently cursed himself for the xx, but then again, he always put these or little hearts for you. The idiot of a romantic that he was. How cheesy…

His deprecating thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing in his hand. Your name appeared on the screen.

Yeah, I reckon we should…

5pm today? At the usual café?

Andrew heaved a relieved sigh as he typed a reply. At least, you were still willing to talk to him, it ought to be a good sign…

… right?

The coffeeshop wasn’t busy. After all, it was Thursday afternoon, and despite the warm and cozy feeling brought by the flowers on the tables, the books on the shelves and the quiet lights of the lamps, people were too busy with their work and their lives. Andrew couldn’t help but be grateful as he looked around at all the empty seats and lonely tables around him. There were but five more people in the establishment, which meant that if things didn’t go well, he wouldn’t be humiliated in front of an entire crowd.

He tried to be more hopeful. He had taken a decision: he wouldn’t pretend that what had happened was a mere fluke, that it didn’t mean anything. He would confess that he didn’t see you as a friend. And if you didn’t feel the same, then it was alright, of course. If you wanted to stop seeing him altogether, he would understand completely. And if you wanted the two of you to remain friends, then he was ready to make it work, somehow. For now, at least… Andrew wasn’t certain that he could keep on seeing you as a mere friend for long, it was becoming too painful for him. But on the other hand, he couldn’t imagine his life without you in it. He would need time to adapt, either way.

He was fidgeting as he stared at the empty chair before him. He was aware of his terrible habit to be late at everything, but today was not the day to arrive after you. So, he had arrived early on purpose, just to be safe.

His leg was shaking with nerves, and he was roughly massaging his palm.

Would you even come? Perhaps you would chicken out? Perhaps you didn’t want to see him, after all, perhaps you had changed your mind? Perhaps…?

His thoughts fell silent as you entered the shop. They were replaced by butterflies and a sudden jump of his heart…

You greeted him with a shy smile, before taking the seat he was offering you.

“How are you? How was your day? You want a coffee? Or tea?”

“Tea, thanks, Andy.”

You were taking off your coat and getting settled while Andrew was gone to order you a drink. When he came back, you seemed just as nervous as he was, you were fidgeting with the sleeve of your jumper.

“There you go,” Andrew whispered as he handed you your cup of tea, voice gentle and warm.

“Thanks.”

“So, how was your day?”

“Good, grand,” you nodded as Andrew was sitting back down.

You exchanged some niceties for a few minutes, but Andrew wasn’t fooled. Your answers were short and you seemed just as anxious as he was. He opted for silence after a few minutes, letting you stir the conversation towards the main topic that you had to discuss.

“Andy, about last night…”

You bit down on your lower lip, eyes fleeing his gaze. His heart was racing, beating so fast it could have exploded.

He cleared his throat, starting to rub at his palms again.

“Yeah… last night, huh…”

“You… you kissed me.”

It was his turn to avert his eyes while you looked up at him. He nodded his head.

“Yeah… I did.”

“Why?”

He let out a dry chuckle. His gaze settled on a couple a few tables away, a large coffee before both of them. They were smiling, he was reaching for her hand. Andrew refrained his sudden urge to scream at them.

“Isn’t that obvious? Why do people kiss other people?” he asked back.

“You were drunk.”

“Not that drunk. And you didn’t push me away.”

“I was drunk.”

“Were you that drunk?”

“Andy, look at me.”

He bit hard on the inside of his cheek as he complied. He couldn’t refuse you anything, anyway…

His right hand rose to painfully rub at his collarbone, the skin quickly turning a bright shade of red.

“Why did you kiss me last night?”

He blinked a couple of times, noticed the way you swallowed too hard.

“Because I wanted to.”

Your lips parted a little.

“Because you… you’re attracted to me?” you asked, and Andrew could have laughed at your puzzled expression, you almost looked scared now.

Scared? Why would you be scared of him? He would do anything for you. God, Andrew could die for you if you asked…

And what was that question, even? Attracted to you? The understatement of the century…

“You can say that, yeah.”

You slowly nodded. He took the opportunity of a moment of silence to drink a long gulp of his coffee, and then another, the bitterness biting at his tongue in a way that made him think about something else than your eyes and the way your lips looked as you bit them again, how much he wanted to kiss your mouth…

“So… you want to have sex with me.”

Andrew choked, grabbing a napkin before he would spill anything, coughing as he put down the cup back on the wooden table.

“Sorry… that was a bit blunt,” you said, but he knew you weren’t sorry at all.

You let him cough, try to catch back his breathing.

“Way too blunt, as always,” he half-joked.

“Andy, I…”

You heaved a sigh, rubbing at your temples like you were focused on a math problem at school. Was that what his kiss was? A problem to be solved?

“Look, I… Andy, you know I care about you. A lot. You’re… you’re one of my closest friends.”

He nodded.

“But?”

“But I can’t handle a relationship right now. Whether it’s with you, or anyone else, I just… I’m trying to figure myself out, I have this new job, I… I can’t handle dating someone, right now.”

“It’s okay, I understand,” he offered you a reassuring smile, and Andrew silently congratulated himself for hiding his disappointment so well. Or his heart breaking, to be fair…

“I can’t handle that…”

“I understand. It’s not the right time for you, I get it. It’s alright. It won’t happen again, you don’t have to worry.”

“But you… you’re attracted to me, right?”

He frowned, wondering why you were asking again.

“Like… if I told you that I wanted to sleep with you, you wouldn’t be against that, right? That’s why you kissed me last night?”

His heart was beating a thousand miles a minute. What was he supposed to answer to that? Pretend like he had never dreamt of making love to you all night? Lie and say that he didn’t mean it, that it was a mistake? Damn, that was the best kiss he had ever had…

“What am I supposed to answer that? You’ve just stated that you don’t want anything romantic to happen in your life at the moment. I’m not stupid, it’s alright. I understand, it won’t happen again.”

You heaved a sigh, your stare intense and yet he could see that you were looking for an answer in his soul, like you were scared as you spoke again.

“What if I want to have sex with you?”

His eyebrows shot upwards. He struggled to swallow, struggled to breathe as he shifted in his seat to lean forward, closer to you. He readjusted his glasses on his nose, and he noticed the way you stared, as if you liked what you saw.

“Do you? Want me like that?”

Damn, he was certain he was about to faint, how could a human hold their breath for so long? And this knot in his stomach, he was going to be sick at this rate…

“Yeah. Yeah, I think I do.”

He could hardly believe it. And yet he had witnessed the movement of your lips around those words, there was no doubt left to have. He nervously licked his lips, went back to rubbing at his collarbone as if he wanted to tore the flesh from it. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to cry or to laugh or simply to finally have a full intake of breath.

“I don’t follow,” he admitted, although it was more that his brain couldn’t possibly compute what you were stating.

“I want you. Physically, I mean. I want you.”

“But you don’t want a relationship.”

“No, I don’t. But you’re handsome, and I’m attracted to you too.”

And that’s when the realisation struck, and it acted like a cold shower, like the icy water hitting his skin when he dove in the ocean in winter. Same shock that took all the air out of his lungs. To be fair, he had not noticed before that he had any oxygen left in these organs of his. It was like… getting a punch in the guts.

“So… you want… just sex? Nothing more.”

It wasn’t really a question, something closer to a statement. He had hoped, for a second, that you felt the same. But you just wanted sex. And he wanted so, so much more…

“Yeah. I mean… like a… friends with benefits situation, you know? Like… we would still be the same, but… with the sex too.”

“But it wouldn’t mean a thing,” he protested, but you didn’t seem to read that feeling in his voice, considering your answer.

“No, it wouldn’t mean anything. Just… two pals who find each other attractive releasing some tension.”

Releasing some tension? Yoga was for releasing tension, not sleeping with the woman he was secretly desperately in love with?!

“What do you say? Would you like that?”

You were serious. He couldn’t believe you were serious… Couldn’t you see that Andrew was in love with you? Couldn’t you… couldn’t you feel it last night? In the way he held you, in the way he touched you, in the way he kissed you?

This was a bad idea. A terrible, terrible idea that would surely backfire and kill him in the end…

“I… I don’t know, to be honest. I’m not sure I want that.”

Slowly, you nodded, leaning further away from him, back against your chair, and he wanted to reach out to pull you closer again, even if you were still separated by the table.

“Okay. I’m sorry I asked that. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“It’s alright. You only asked a question.”

“So… we forget about the kiss then?”

That was the only option, of course. The only reasonable way out of this mess.

Damn it.

“Actually… why not?”

It was your turn to raise a surprised eyebrow. Andrew struggled not to smile when you leaned closer again.

“Really?”

“But then… we need some rules. Cause… that could become… complicated…”

“You’ll hurt yourself.”

“What?”

You nodded towards his shoulder, and he finally noticed that he had been rubbing at the skin too hard.

“Andy, relax, it’s just me. Stop it, you’re gonna hurt yourself.”

“Sorry,” he mumbled, resting his hands on the table only to start rubbing at his palms. He didn’t even know why he was apologizing.

“It’s okay if you don’t want me like that. We can remain friends.”

“I… I do want you, Y/N. That’s not the problem.”

“The problem?”

I’m not sure I’ll survive if I have you for a moment, and then you leave.

“Friends with benefits… that’s usually messy.”

“Not if we establish rules.”

“What rules?”

“Well, first, no kissing outside of the bedroom. Only for sex. Second, we don’t fall asleep together. Third rule, no one can know about this. And just… If we do this, it can’t be anything but sex. We can’t get attached like this. It’s just… it’s just sex, nothing more.”

Slowly, he nodded. It was a terrible idea. And yet, what else could he be to you? After that kiss last night, Andrew didn’t believe he could remain a mere friend to you for long. And if you couldn’t be in a relationship now, then this was the next best thing he could get. He could still have you, in a way. He could still be yours. And maybe one day, you would want more…

You offered him your open hand. Like signing a contract. Agreeing to a business offer.

“What do you say?”

Andrew raised his hand to meet yours.

“Alright, let’s do this.”