A Little Catch Up On Whats Happening In My Life Now

A little catch up on what’s happening in my life now

under the read more. If i missed a tag and you wish me to tag something, please don’t be afraid to ask. You do not have to read at all.

Well a lot of this is just regurgitated things that happened over the past year. I often feel like I’m dwelling in the past. that i’m fragile. I often feel like it’s wrong to paint myself as the victim, so when things go wrong I often blame myself. The year started like any other. It was senior year, A year i was looking forward to. My partner of 9 months was at my side figuratively and I was happy.

About two weeks into my school year i was sexually assaulted by a man who led me from the train into one of those communal parking lots. It was on my way to a therapy session. I don’t know why I followed him. Perhaps I was lost in the conversation, or wanted to be a valiant hero? I don’t remember anymore. The Police painted me as a person who asked for it by not kicking and screaming like the other victims in my shoes. What i do remember is the months that followed as i regurgitated the same story to pretty much every authority figure that asked for it. I had no feelings. My mother barely understood as march came around the corner why i was wrapped up in a situation that wasn’t even that bad. My grades were terrible, i wasn’t handing anything in, and i had yet to apply to colleges. My relationship had become a tumour in my life. My ex and I had daily fights. He was not the support i needed, rather he made matters worse. Life moves on but i wasn’t ready to.

As a person with body dysphoria and poor body image, I didn’t take the incident well. I had my own slew of mental blips that started from when i was in my first online relationship 2 years prior as well as banishment from the first group that accepted me as a person rather than a punchline. Combining that with The incident as well as my failing relationship, My blips became complexes. My ex failed to understand and imitated my vices, seeing as how he was a rookie in having an SO. The days in between his and my birthday i dumped him. I couldn’t take his behavior anymore. I was tired of the fights.

He didn’t go peacefully. I tried dating again, since I recovered quite quickly. I knew what i was doing when it came to my pursuits. I needed someone in my life to help build my self esteem, to help me recover. to teach me how to love myself again. That was when i left the FNAF fandom. Chestnut was a daily reminder on how close i was to my ex. However, the person i did pursue refused my identity when i admitted i wasn’t a cis man but a transman. I ceased contact with him. To this day I don’t even know how he’s doing, and i like to keep it that way. the days that followed the identity rejection i started to have an identity crisis. I was transphobic towards myself. I felt second rate, not truly a man, disgusting. Those feelings never truely left. i just kept a lid on them.

I met someone else a month later. I’m currently with him. His situation is less than fortunate; his first set of parents are homophobic. the second set are okay with his orientation.

I lost faith in my family. My parents weren’t respecting my pronouns or my preferred name to even strangers. Not to mention that my stepfather kept calling me worthless and lazy, to the point where he threatened to take my door off of it’s hinges. this was another blow to my self image. my medication was requiring more than the recommended hours of sleep. my only reminder that i wasn’t worthless was my closest friend, which forced me to spend my time on the computer, since he was away at college.

As this was happening my ex, who i tried to keep friends, was beginning to exert control. I had told him that my current partner could only talk at a certain time, so when he came online i had to leave him and go to my partner to spend quality time. Every time we would hang out i would remind my ex, and every time he would throw a fit because I was prioritizing my partner over him.

Eventually it got to the point where i had to cut him out of my life, which he responded with threats of self harm and suicide. that and the nights that followed worsened my feelings of being trapped, unable to be free of the tumour that was hurting my life again. After an unnatural amount of effort on my part and help from my partner and some other friends, i cut him free.

That situation also made my mental complexes worsen. they became triggerable. I became destructive towards my own established friendships. i almost lost my closest friend and my partner.

The common friend between my ex and I ended up reuniting us, and my ex exerted worse behaviors from before. He was irrational, which triggered my issues. I explained that I was currently looking for a psychaitrist to examine me and determine what’s wrong if anything,

I was told that all my issues were just me being difficult, that i was only carrying on to get my way. Even after i explained time and time again that i couldn’t help my episodes.

Recently I got rid of him again. After actually “self diagnosing” myself on what my issues could be and thrusting the information in his face, I explained to him that he was a toxic influence in my life.

Time and time again, I mentally relive an instance from the past year. This makes “Getting over things” hard for me.

A Little Catch Up On Whats Happening In My Life Now

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