Wisecrowfeather - Eva

Monday, September 30th, 2024

I can't stop thinking about the incident on Saturday night, it was between 10:30pm-11pm when it happened and went on until almost midnight. Recently I've been having very sudden waves of sadness that never seem to end and just go on for hours at a time. This one was really bad and I happened to be in a public area, my parents noticed while sitting in a restaurant and kept talking about how I should be happy. My mum said something about how my attitude was killing the mood and I completely fell apart at that moment, I was then walked outside by my mum and dad since they were fed up about how I was acting even though I didn't even talk or eat because the overwhelming melancholic feeling having me in a chokehold. My father is a narcissist and when he was talking to me outside he made me seem like a problem, that the whole trip is ruined because of me and my issues then said I was going to affect my little brother somehow making me feel like I carried the black plague and that I was going to spread it. My mother started to yell and it attracted the attention of people and then I opened up about how I was suicidal and it felt like I was rotting from the inside out slowly killing me, my father then asked how I could ever feel that way and got mad at me as he stormed off to go back to my little brother and step dad who were still at the table. Time passes as I am being bickered to by my mom outside as I am like a puppet without its owner not moving nor speaking, no one was in control I was just a hollow brainless doll standing in the misting rain drenching my clothing. I was then grabbed by the hand and led to the washroom by my mom to clean up and look presentable since my face was tear stained with black mascara running down my cheeks but all I could do was stare into the mirror as my vision was blurry. My mother then threatened me with calling 911 to get an ambulance to pick me up to go to the psychward, when she went to open her phone I fell to the wet water sprinkled floor and huddled to the wall like it was my only way to survive, I grabbed two fist fulls of my hair and pulled to feel some kind of release through pain but all it did was make my mum angrier. After that she had my step dad go outside with us once more to try and talk but I was silent as the dead, still weeping away. Standing in the rain once more all I could do was cry and hug my mother feeling paralyzed in my skin uttering the only words I could "I'm sorry" over and over again. I then stood there and smoked two cigarettes to try and calm me down but it was hard, very hard to just act like nothing happened. I now sit here on my porch at home smoking because it is all that seems to help at this point. I really do wanna stop this habit of smoking but it's hard when it helps, if maybe just maybe I could befriend someone like me to pour out my heart and they could do the same I would be happy.

spider frozen to its' web

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Costume test no.1