Vent - Tumblr Posts
Doll.
doll grew up around a lot of things in life.
doll saw many things that their mother said to "forget about, it was in the past."
doll is afraid to get back into a vehicle because of their mother driving high behind the wheel. doll went mute for hours.
doll hasn't gotten into a vehicle since that time. doll has seen their mother do such things they wish they could forget.
dolls mother is a good one, regardless, but doll has so many things bottled up inside it's hard to talk about, in fear their mother will find out they spoke about it.
doll has friends, trustworthy ones they speak to, yet there's still fear that lingers in the back of their mind.
doll wishes to get therapy soon 𖹭 and they will.
wow, love that my school finally enforced that I get counselling after my parents have forbidden it for so many years because they know they'll be in deep shit if I call them out. So my mum sits there today violently grabbing at my face and screaming what she'll do if I "go off telling lies". She's just scared for herself.
Just saying...
Please do not interact unless you have experienced any form of trauma or abuse and/or experience mental illness, especially with maladaptive daydreaming.
I do not want people re-blogging or commenting on posts (mainly) about MaDD saying stuff like "omg, this is so me because I like to pretend ___ every once in a while". Or "oh, I'm just so imaginative like this".
Like, shut up. Shut up. It's not fun living like this. It hurts. Especially after going on for aeons thinking the daydreams were helping, but I get to a point of realising that it's not, and it's not okay. I'm not okay.
It is strange feeling, starting from a scratch, on a blank page, new chapter. exciting and stressful at the same time. not sure, if the path i chose is the right one, but only time will show me that.
i decided to start new blog, where i can be 100 % honest and open about things i wouldn't dare to talk about on my old blog. i really need place to vent, diary in a language, that might understand people with similar experiences.
and not just a diary. i'd like to share my old stories, things i lived through, as a form of therapy, caharsis, whatever you want to call it. there is so many things i need to talk about, that have been swelling under my skin and in my brain fibers for over decade.
really important disclaimer: as i am about to be very honest, i might share stuff that could be potentially triggering for some. (especially sh, ed, bullying, family issues, etc.) my aim is not trigger anyone, but possibly find people that went through similar stuff and need someone to talk, to understand.
so, be my guest and maybe you will find comfort and familiarity in those words i am about to share.
they're leaving me. they're leaving me again. for good this time... i knew it would happen because everyone abandons me sooner or later but i didn't want to acknowledge it. they are leaving me all alone in this godforsaken country with NO ONE.
i can't be alone again please...
bro waking up to the cops banging on the front door is becoming a normal occurrence to me
like either just arrest somebody already and get it over with or stop trying to ruin the little sleep that i get tbh
Having a god awful day. Doesn't help that I got rejected from a possible internship and two of my friends didn't, plus today was a very long day of uni. I just want to close my eyes and skip this week tbh
Hopefully writing will help once I get home, if I'm not too tired to open my laptop that is...
Came home to a scolding about how I'm overweight because I don't move and never do anything and I'm destroying my health for being lazy
Just what I needed right now
I also love how they casually forget I have an actual issue with my knee that makes it so I can't do any sport but walking, cycling, and swimming. And guess who gets told I'm coming up with excuses if I try to bring it up as an obstacle. I swear I'm actually scared of doing sport, or even doing as little as going out when it's raining, just because of my knee problem. But I guess it's not that big a deal if they say so
Istg I'd be fine with sport if I had a way to incorporate it into my day-to-day without going so out of the way or if I didn't feel like losing weight was the only way to determine if "I'm doing port right"
Am I even okay
By the end of october and all of november of last year, i was dreaming of violence. Nightmares. Nothing I could remember when I woke up, all was left were tears or a heavy chest. So during the day, I would day dream of a vindictive violence. I would watch and listen and share the plights of many palestinians.
Everyday israel outdoes its acts of terror, and we will watch how they get ever more creative and cruel until it is no longer the interest of the us of ass.
I fucking hate whatever the fuck is up with my life, I don't know whether I have autism, or sptsd or whatever, but at this point I am fucking running out of ideas on how to pull this shit together. I feel like an alien and an imposter anywhere I go, I want to leave but there newer was a place where it would be okay for me to exist to begin with
My attempts to adapt and mask just left me an empty shell of whatever was there at the start, and the masking didn't even help me gain friends, just made my family tolerate me really
All the advice I can find online assumes I already fucking have people to reach out to in my life, all the "you are not alone" and "ask for help" type stuff just does not cut it for me. I am alone in this, and right now I have no choice but to get through it alone.
If I share anything personal with the four people that I talk to (my parents included) that will not end well. I fucking done that before, they just call me crazy and now their reaction is one more problem for me.
I fucking want any advice on how to find and connect to anyone who would get me whatsoever or like, at least not be homophobic and disgusted by the weird??
Can we normalize this?
Like please please please??
real pic of my separation anxiety about to kick in when i found out my friend didn't get put in the class we were supposed to be together in so now there's a 65% chance i'll be completely alone
wow i sure do love getting deadnamed infront of my whole bio class! /sarc
"How dare you. How dare you leave me when I am at my worst. You hold a blank stare as you shatter me with your words. Can't you see I'm bleeding out? You storm away and shut the door, and the only thing I can possibly think of is how I just lost you. And how much I'm going to miss you. But you don't care, and now I realize, you never did."
- Dreaming of Wolves//Vent