Tfw You Don't Have The Energy To Write Anything New And Barely Have The Energy To Edit Existing Projects

Tfw you don't have the energy to write anything new and barely have the energy to edit existing projects for weeks, but then are hit with 10K word of dickspiration all at once

No lies detected

"Why do you want to be a boy when you're such a pretty girl?" Why do you want to play another game when you already beat the last one? You fucking casual

Pretty sure the definition of hell is re-writing a time skip scene.

What If... Part 2 (blatant Trans Wish Fulfilment Smut)

Working through Personal Trans Shit with fanfic of my own characters from a project I haven't published yet. Smutty smut under the cut. Content note for bottom dysphoria.

Kissing, as it usually did, led to other things. (Even after more than two years together Corey and Dee still struggled to keep their hands off one another when given the opportunity.) Corey was almost unbearably sweet as he undressed Dee, asking if they'd wanted to leave their binder on (they didn't) and urging them to tell him if something felt wrong.

However, while Dee wouldn't have said that anything felt wrong, exactly, neither did it feel right. Corey was doing all the things that used to drive them wild, but the physical sensations felt as if they were coming from a million miles away. As if they were happening to someone else. Their body gasped and moaned at his touch, but it didn't feel like it meant anything.

Corey's tongue was warm and wet as he lapped at their clit, but Dee found themself reaching for their bond, for the feeling of Corey's cock, which was hard, throbbing, and entirely too untouched for Dee's liking, as he was entirely focused on them at the moment.

What was wrong with them? Why couldn't they just enjoy this?

When the answer hit a moment later, Dee felt as if all the air had been knocked from their body. They weren't enjoying it because they... didn't want to be doing it. This. Because what they wanted...

Their brain struggled to complete the sentence as Corey's hand teasingly brushed the inside of their thigh, then slowly traveled upward.

What they wanted--

...his fingers gently stroked the outer edge of their labia, before...

What they really wanted--

...he slid two fingers into them, and--

And they couldn't bear it, couldn't stand the way it took them out of focusing on what he felt and how it reminded them of what they didn't have. Because what they wanted was for Corey to touch himself, to feel second-hand through their bond what he felt with a hand wrapped around his dick. They wanted to come from feeling his pleasure, because they couldn't feel their own anymore.

"Stop," Dee gasped, bursting into tears.

Corey stopped immediately, and the sense of shared awareness faded as Corey lost his concentration. Dee felt that loss of sensation almost as keenly as they felt the pain of realizing that they didn't want to be touched - all of which was wrapped up with intense self-disgust. They curled into a tiny ball of shame and sobbed, feeling as if their world was coming apart at the seams.

"Hey. Hey, now." Corey's voice was soft and low as he wrapped himself around them. "You didn't do anything wrong, okay? So just breathe."

Dee tried to do as he said, but they were powerless against the tremors wracking them. "I wanted to like it. I used to like it so much."

"You can't force yourself to like something," Corey said firmly. "And you shouldn't try."

"But I don't want to hate having sex with you," Dee all but wailed.

Corey hesitated. "I... Obviously I can't know what you're feeling. But I promise you that we'll get through this, okay? However you feel right now isn't the way it's going to be forever."

Dee laughed despite themself. "You can't know that," they hiccuped.

"Yes I can," Corey shot back, a smile audible in his voice. "You know how stubborn I can be about pointless stuff. Imagine how much more stubborn I can be about something that really matters to me."

Again, Dee laughed, then shuddered as they were able to take one shaky breath. Then another.

"Good." Corey kissed the back of their neck. "Now. Talk to me?"

"It's probably weird, but it's like... my body is reacting like I'm enjoying myself, but I can't connect with it, because I..." Dee had to struggle to force the next word out. "Hate. Not having a dick. And when you touch me like that, I can't... I can't not think about how much I hate it."

Corey was quiet for a long moment, and Dee could feel him probing tentatively at the edge of their feelings. "You've been having these feelings for a long time, haven't you?" He finally asked. When Dee nodded miserably and tried to curl up even more, he wrapped his arms tightly around their waist. "You're okay. I'm not upset."

"It's not you! It's me! It's everything I grew up with telling me that I'm gross, and awful, and disgusting. And the Pope saying I'm a fucking war crime for having those feelings."

"Okay. Well. Can you turn and look at me here?"

Grudgingly, Dee uncurled and turned over so they could see Corey's face.

"You're not a war crime," he said sternly. "And I don't think you're gross and disgusting. Obviously. So. Set those feelings to the side for now and talk to me about this dysphoria. How did all this start, and where are you now? I want to understand so I can help you better."

Dee nodded and wiped their eyes as they consulted their feelings and tried to put them into something resembling a logical order. "I didn't realize until... pretty recently that what I was feeling was dysphoria," they said slowly. "Because it just started as thinking. You know. Wouldn't it be hot to have a dick? When you do that thing where you turn on Feelings Sharing, I liked feeling how you felt when I touched your dick. And, God, I liked feeling what it felt like when you fucked me. And for a long time that's all it was. Thinking about what it would be like to have a dick, but being fine with not having one.

"Until it started becoming... not fine. So I just... started focusing more on you and less on me when we had sex. And then finally, a couple days ago, I realized that I couldn't come at all anymore unless I was focusing on what you felt and pretending that you were me. And that's when the wheels started coming off the bus."

Corey's expression was gentle as he tangled his fingers through Dee's hair. "That's why you've been mostly wanting me to fuck you these last few months?"

Dee cringed. "I could tell you liked feeling what I felt, and I told myself what I was doing wasn't any different. Because acknowledging how I felt would have meant doing something about it, and I was scared. And ashamed."

"Okay. Well. Tomorrow I'm going to talk to Barnabus. Because honestly, that sounds pretty bad, and like something we should take really seriously. And no, I won't mention anything embarrassing. All right?"

Dee nodded, hating the way their lower lip wobbled as they did so.

"Great. In the meantime... what do you want to do right now? Do you want to stop?"

"No," Dee grumped, which earned a confused look from Corey. "I'm just mad that you eating me out is off the table because you're really good at it."

Corey's lusciously thick lips curved into a smile. "Okay, well. Why don't you use our magic while I fuck you, since you said that helps your dysphoria?"

"I mean." Dee bit their lip anxiously. "You're sure it's okay for me to use you like that?"

"Put it this way," Corey said, the love in his big, beautiful brown eyes so intense that Dee wanted to melt right into them. "Your dysphoria is clearly causing you a lot of pain. So given a choice between 'not having sex because it's painful and distressing for you' and 'using our magic to make sex enjoyable and non-dyphoric for you', which do you think I'm going to go with?"

Dee's throat closed again and they had to breathe deeply to fight off yet another wave of tears. "That makes sense," they managed.

"In fact, let's try this. Lie on your back and close your eyes."

Curious to see where he was going with this, Dee complied, and a moment later felt it as Corey invoked the bond between them. (He'd tried before to explain how he'd did it, but his explanations had never made any sense to Dee.)

Corey's voice was low and soothing as he spoke. "You don't have to touch me, okay? And you don't have to think about you. Forget the sheets, forget the pillows, and just focus on what I'm feeling."

Dee breathed slowly as they cataloged the sensations of their own body before setting them aside. They could feel Corey stretched out on the bed next to them, all of his weight on one elbow. His cock was mostly soft, but they could feel his warm rush of arousal as he began to harden again.

"You with me?" he asked quietly as he placed a hand on his cock.

"Yes," Dee groaned.

Corey's rich baritone was playing arpeggios on their spine, even as they could feel his cock hardening further. "There's no you and me like this. We're both me right now, and that's okay, because I want to share this with you. Understand?"

Dee shivered as Corey ran a thumb over the tip of his cock. "Yes."

"Good." Corey took himself in hand. "Now feel your hand wrapped around your cock," he instructed, with only a faint emphasis on the pronouns.

Dee's eyes prickled with unshed tears as the power of that phrase - your cock - sparked something big and powerful and inside them.

"Now feel yourself stroking your cock," Corey continued as he started to do so. Dee focused on the feeling of delicious opposites - the soft skin of his cock against his lightly callused palm, the hardness of it against the fleshy base of his thumb. It was easier like this, they discovered, to feel their own arousal, even as they were focusing on his.

"Do you still want me to fuck you?"

"Yes," Dee gasped.

Corey chuckled as he leaned over to get the lube from the bedside table. A moment later, there was the strangely appealing sensation of Corey applying lube to himself, and then he was on top of them, his weight carefully on his knees and elbows as he gently kissed their forehead. "Do what you need to do," he reminded them. "If that means lying still, then lie still. Whatever you need."

Dee nodded, not trusting their voice.

Corey carefully positioned the head of his cock at their entrance before slowly sliding into them, taking several second to bury himself to the hilt.

Frustratingly, Dee found it difficult to hold onto the idea that they were Corey now that he was inside them. How could they be fucking themself? But somehow, Corey divined the source of their difficulty, and said just the right thing. "You're not fucking you, right now. You're fucking me, because we switched." Slowly, so very fucking slowly he began to withdraw from them. "And I said that was okay. So that makes this your dick, that you're using to fuck me."

That did the trick.

Dee moaned as Corey... as they reversed course and slowly fucked back into Corey. And sure, the analogy didn't totally make sense, but it didn't need to as long as they focused on the feeling of their dick and how incredible it felt thrusting into Corey's wet velvet heat.

"Yes," they whispered. "More. I want to fuck you harder."

Corey groaned, the rush of arousal he felt as he obliged spilling over into Dee, who reveled in the feeling of blood rushing to their already achingly-hard cock. And suddenly, after months of increasingly-maddening struggles to connect their body to their feelings, Dee had what they needed to get out of their own way.

They moaned, and Corey moaned, and they both moaned as Dee fucked Corey. Distantly, somewhere far away, they knew they were crying, their tears leaking down the sides of their face and into their hair, but that was something they could deal with later. Right now all that mattered was the feeling of Corey wrapped around their cock and the slick, incredible friction as they fucked him. They weren't able to last long at all before Corey clenched around them... or they clenched around Corey... it was hard to hold onto the metaphor as their, his cock twitched and spilled into them, and their body writhed underneath him with the power of his, of their mutual, utterly shattering release.

(Read Part 1 on AO3 here)

Yesterday: THREE WEEKS ON T WHY NO SHOULDER GROWTH????

Today: (puts on shirt, sleeves are borderline too tight) ....huh

Part 4!

The T horniness is hitting and I'm still processing my feelings about the lack of Mr Potato Head genitals, so... Content note for smut (below the cut), bottom dysphoria and magical HRT

It was early afternoon two days later when Barnabus pecked at the window to signal that he had the first of their deliveries. Dee only paused long enough to grab an enormous handful of peanuts before rushing outside.

A small wooden box was waiting for them on the back step, while Barnabus himself was waiting on a nearby post. Dee gratefully spread Barnabus' payment on the back step. "I owe you big time, bud."

"If you're feeling guilty, I wouldn't say no to honey garlic chicken wings," Barnabus replied hopefully.

Dee, who didn't share Corey's hesitation over feeding his familiar bird meat, nodded. "Done. Any idea when Corey will be back?"

"I gave him a heads up that I was going to pick this up, so... Soon, I'd imagine." With that, the crow flapped down to the step and started shelling his first nut.

Dee took the box inside and set it on the counter.

Inside were three small crystal vials, labeled "top", "bottom", and "drink entire contents upon delivery", along with a thick sealed letter. They removed the last 'drink immediately' vial, taking a moment to admire the way the sparkling green liquid shimmered in the sunlight, before pulling out the stopper and downing the contents in one gulp. The liquid was thick and cool, and tasted of autumn breeze and dappled sunlight.

They waited a few moments, shrugged when nothing perceptible happened, and opened the letter, then hastily shut it a moment later after getting an eyeful of the very detailed and highly erotic illustrations accompanying the instructions.

Dee's face was burning right up to their hairline as they messaged Corey to find them upstairs when he got in.

Keep this box somewhere safe - it's contents will replenish with a new dose once per day.

These potions are keyed to your essence and won't have any effect if, say, a partner happens to accidentally ingest some during application.

Drink the green potion in its entirety. This potion will be the slowest to take effect.

The blue potion (labeled "top") can be applied by yourself or a partner in any way you like. (Suggested methods for application have been included as a reference.) Be sure to cover the entire surface area of the breast and nipple, and rub completely into the skin. Reduction of breast size will be observed within two to three days, and full masculinization will occur within approximately two weeks.

Before first applying the red potion (labeled "bottom"), you will need to shave very thoroughly or wax. (Sorry.) This potion will: (1) grow the clitoris into a phallus and (2) (optional) close the vaginal opening, transform the labia into a scrotum and testicles, and cause the development of a prostate.

To apply: (1) apply half of the potion to the clitoris and clitoral hood, and rub in completely then (2) apply remaining potion vaginally - which can be accomplished via a partner's penis, analogous penetrating organ, or sex toy if desired. Alternately, you may apply to the clitoris only until you have a phallus that you are happy with, then re-assess your desires. (Some patients do decide to retain the vaginal opening.)

---

Dee had shaved in the shower and was toweling off when Corey tapped on the bathroom door. "Is that you in there, Dee?"

"Give me a second and I'll meet you in the bedroom," they called back. "And. Uh. You can read the letter on the bed."

A minute later, Dee slipped into their bedroom in just their towel and found Corey sitting on the edge of the bed. His expression was almost comically serious as he studied the pornographic instructional illustrations with his typical intensity.

"So." Dee felt acutely self-conscious as they sat next to him.

Corey looked up at them with his eyebrows raised. "Two questions, I guess. First, do you want to do both of these, uh, bottom application options? Or do you want to start with the first and see how you feel about the second?"

Dee chewed self-consciously on their lip. "Can we... I mean, this is stupid maybe but can we have this conversation while we're both naked? This feels weirdly unbalanced when you're..." they trailed off as they gestured to their partner's heavy autumn clothing.

"Not weird at all," Corey said, his eyes twinkled with good humor as he leaned forward to give them a slow, lingering kiss that set their nerves aflame.

Dee stood to let their towel fall to the floor, then watched with lascivious interest as Corey stripped, revealing the muscular frame of someone who had been seriously lifting for many years. When he was finished undressing, he resumed his place on the edge of the bed, then reached out to pull Dee into sitting sideways on his lap.

They were predictably distracted by a sudden wave of arousal. "Sorry. I'm afraid you'll need to remind me what that first question was."

Corey smiled smugly at the effect he always had on them. "Do you want both bottom applications? Or do you just want to do the first?"

"Would you... I mean... How would you feel about fucking me, if..." Dee had to stop, gather their composure, and try again. "Anal sex can take. Like. More preparation? And we've never talked about it, so is that something you could be... in to?"

"You shouldn't make decisions about your transition based on what I would or wouldn't like," Corey said slowly. "But... I've been attracted to men before, even if I've never been with a cis man. And it really doesn't make a difference to me. I'd still be more than happy to fuck you anally."

Dee decided to move off his lap and onto the bed so that they could think without the distracting influence of his nudity, and Corey stretched out next to them to wait patiently while they interrogated their feelings. Which, thankfully, were much clearer than they had expected.

"I think... I like knowing that it's an option, that there are people who choose not to do both, because it feels better knowing that there was more than one option, and that I'm not just choosing a binary option because I have to. But. I want to do both."

Corey's answering smile was gentle, tender, and so, so soft. "Okay. Now." His smile took on a mischievous edge as he nodded at the papers still lying at the end of the bed. "Do you want to be clinical about this? Or do you want the horny option?"

Dee grinned. "You know me. I'll always choose horny if that's an option. But however we do it, I don't think I could handle my clit being fingered."

"Fair." Corey sat up to retrieve the instructions. He pulled out the second page and turned it toward them, revealing a set of luridly detailed illustrations that accompanied the instructions for 'administration via a partner's penis or analogous penetrating organ'. "We could try this?"

Dee couldn't help but blush as they scanned through that section. "I mean. Looks good to me."

Corey retrieved both vials and handed the red one to Dee, keeping the blue one for himself. "Do you want me lying down or sitting up?"

"Sitting up."

With a nod, Corey piled some pillows against the headboard, then scooted back until he was sitting with his back supported. He invoked the bond as Dee moved to straddle him, then removed the stopper on the blue vial. After studying it for a moment, he poured its contents onto his hands, then rubbed them together before covering their small breasts with his large hands. The potion felt warm and oily against their skin as Corey slowly massaged it in, paying more attention to their nipples than was strictly necessary.

Dee took a moment to enjoy the sensation, then followed suit by uncorking their own vial and applying the glittering, ruby-red contents to Corey's now fully hard cock. Then, before they could get distracted by his feelings, they gingerly spread their lips and began to grind their labia against his now slickened length.

Having to hold themself spread open made it impossible to lose themself in what Corey was feeling. But feeling Corey's length slide against them this way was a new sensation without any unpleasant gendered associations, and it helped that Corey was clearly deriving great pleasure from it.

"If you like rubbing our dicks together, it'll only get easier when yours gets bigger," he said unexpectedly, already breathless with desire.

For a moment, Dee felt as if their world tilted sideways, as Corey's words helped them make the leap from rubbing their clit against his dick, to frotting their dicks together, and the corresponding jolt of arousal felt like getting hit by lightning. "Oh my god," they moaned, grinding against his cock even harder.

"Imagine when you're big enough to fit in my hand," Corey continued huskily. "When I can wrap my hand around both our dicks. And you can rub against me while you fuck into my hand."

"Oh my god, yes." Dee had to make a concerted effort to stop. They could have come from the frotting alone, but since a medicinal fuck was still required...

The pleasure Corey felt as they engulfed him was warm and intense, but the strangeness of the situation made it too difficult to lose themself in his feelings.

Corey, attuned to them as ever, leaned forward. "Just stay like this a minute," he murmured against their lips before he drawing them into a deep lingering kiss.

They moaned as he sucked their tongue into his mouth even as he continued working the blue potion into their breasts. A minute later, he broke the kiss, and they both looked down to see that it had vanished completely.

Dee blinked. "Huh."

"I've got an idea for how to help your dysphoria here." Corey nodded at the bedside table. "Get me the lube?"

Dee obliged, and Corey squeezed a bit onto the pad of his thumb. "I won't finger you," he said reassuringly as he positioned his thumb against their... against the head of their dick. "But. I thought, if you can rub your dick against me while you're fucking me..."

Dee blinked, then nodded and started to ride him slowly. It took a minute for Corey to find the best angle for his thumb, but when he did pleasure exploded through every nerve in their body.

"God yes," they hissed as they picked up the pace, feeling fully grounded in themself and their own body for the first time in a long time as they slammed themself down onto his cock. "Tell me..." Dee gasped, unable to find the words to complete the sentence.

Corey spoke, his voice low and urgent as he trembled on the brink and still made the effort to verbalize what they needed to hear. "Fuck my hand with your dick, baby."

Dee nearly shrieked with the force of their orgasm, frantically grinding their dick against Corey's thumb as he clutched at their hip and pounded up into them with his own release.

Then, when the storm had passed, they pulled off of him and collapsed forward to sob in his arms.

(Read from the beginning on AO3)