Wara By Krzysztof Powaka Im Your Man By Mitski The Aggression Sessions By Eliran Kantor

Wara by Krzysztof Powałka † I’m Your Man by Mitski † The Aggression Sessions by Eliran Kantor

Sylvia Plath, from a letter to Aurelia Plath wr. c. December 1960

“You are marvelous. The gods wait to delight in you.” —Charles Bukowski

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Coming to terms with the idea of maybe it's going to be harder to be able to live in the same way other people do has been really hard. It means putting aside my own ideas about life and jobs and careers. While everyone else gets better stats, even at a shitty job. All I can do is sit at home and play games all day or sleep. All while things pile up around me literally.

Then my friend said it doesn't matter if I never work, if all I do is play games. Their sibling, who is also my friend, also told me that not everyone has to be doing something productive all the time or even at all. It's okay to be disabled. They're both hardworking people who earn their money. So it was a big deal they said this. That people's assumptions about me and others like me, are just wrong.

This allowed me to go down a healing process where I was able to re-evaluate my life. To determine what I'm capable of, but not by other peoples standards, by what I know myself to be capable of. Knowing that is the first step to anything. Even if it means I may never work at all. Being at peace with that and okay with that is a very big step forward.

It's okay to have goals, but sometimes we have to re-evaluate how those goals match up with our own capabilities. I'm not bad or gross or lazy because I don't work, or have trouble cleaning myself or my living space. I didn't just decide not to do those things. I have a hard time with them because of my condition. Forcing myself to live up to standards that will physically hurt me will only lead to more problems.

I felt like crying but nothing came out. it was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. but I think I have known it pretty often, too often.

(Charles Bukowski)