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Yanks! How to kill Donald Trump!
It is evident that the piece is satirical in nature; it is implausible that any reasonable person would desire the demise of an orange, hairy, elderly individual who exhibits no signs of empathy. mod
The Mexico method
Trump has recognized it! Mexico doesn't necessarily send its elite to the USA: "They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists." Use these resourceful human resources from the south and hire one or two pistoleros to put an end to "El Trumpo", as they call him down there. Somehow his death can be chalked up as collateral damage in the "war on drugs". But hurry, before the wall is finished! Big plus: Mexican hitmen rarely charge more than
more than 1000 pesos per head.
The world war method
Perhaps a little time-consuming, but tried and tested: Simply goad your new leader into a world war, give him hope of global domination with early victories, and then fail so mercilessly until he poisons and shoots himself in his Trump bunker with Melania. Disadvantage: A few hundred million other people die too. Advantage: You can feel like a morally superior people afterwards after a proper reappraisal.
The Kennedy method
A president who is not part of the political elite and indulges in liberties with the ladies? Something goes through the back of your mind, doesn't it? Exactly: it's time for a reboot of another American entertainment classic! It doesn't have to be Dallas and a Lincoln convertible again, and it can be a bit more violent - technology has made some progress in this area. But beware: you have to be prepared for Oliver Stone to take on the material.
The Indian blanket method
You should know how to get rid of unpleasant redskins, dear Americans. Problem: Trump certainly won't accept simple blankets as gifts, they would have to contain his gold-embroidered face as well as smallpox. Advantage: It's inconspicuous - you won't notice any major external changes in him.
The Beau Rivage method
A little elaborate, but the result is genuine German workmanship. Arrange a meeting with Donald Trump in one of his hotels under a pretext ("We need to talk about your back taxes ..."), mix a colorful drug cocktail into his alcohol cocktail and wait until the belligerent president falls to the floor with a resounding *trump*. Put the corpse in a full bathtub, inform the press and sneak away. Forge a farewell letter to boost credibility: "This was suicide. The best suicide ever. It was definitely me. Trump out!"
The Booth method
The shooting of Abraham Lincoln in Washington's Ford's Theater went off without a hitch and is crying out to be repeated. Problem: Donald Trump would never voluntarily enter a theater in his life. However, we have it on good authority that the carnivorous head of state does the honors every Tuesday night at the U-20-only strip club "Nasty's". One of the exotic dancers could distract Trump with a particularly patriotic lap dance, while another uncorks a well-shaken bottle of champagne from behind ...
The Goldfinger method
You know the quality of German murder not only from the History Channel. Because we have, of course, also provided the best Bond killers. Role models all of them! And the Manhattan Midas, who never runs out of gold, no matter what he paws at, using the old Goldfinger method - could it be more fitting? No!
The total crash method
Psycho against psycho! Let Air Force One poach a young pilot from Germanwings, and soon the only impact still coming from President Trump will be in the Rocky Mountains ... Possible downside: stricter air safety laws, increasing restrictions on civil air traffic, uncertainty among travelers, anger among the people, protest vote, fascism, shit!
The pussy method
A plan that will only work if all American women, who D. Trump considers "at least a 6", go along with it: Attach dirty miniature bombs (ACME Anti Grabbing Device™) to your primary and secondary sexual characteristics and wait for the pre-feminist leader of the free world to come near you. One tender assault and a discharge later, you should be rid of your greatest adversary.
The point-and-feather method
500 million jokes, taunts and excessive exaggerations could not prevent Donald Trump's election victory. But there is one hairdo-Hitler-small-hands-pussy-grab joke from which Trump will not recover. He will laugh and be ashamed at the same time. Problem: Only TITANIC is in possession of this nuclear Ulk - and will only hand him over for a high transfer fee. So: Better scrape your dollars together, Yanks!
Gaitzsch / Riegel / Wolff