All Hail Reptile Guy - Tumblr Posts

So, Headcanon

So sometimes Aziraphale just carries around Crowley in his snake form, but here’s the problem. Snake Crowley is... a very big snake

And he does this around people, too, so he’ll be at his desk in the bookshop with a MASSIVE snake just draped around his shoulders, flicking its tongue at the book he’s reading

People eventually get used to it, he’s a guy who likes snakes and owns a bookshop. Cool.

The thing is, Crowley has other snake forms, and people now assume that Aziraphale owns multiple snakes

Which is problematic, because he’s just been asked to be a guest at a school’s “reptile awareness” program, since he, presumably, is the proud owner of many reptiles

He can’t just say no, he’s an angel,

Crowley finds this incredibly amusing, and does absolutely nothing to help other than a “you’ll do great, Angel”

So here he is, in the humid and very uncomfortable school gymnasium, next to an actual reptile expert, in front of a huge crowd of disinterested children

He survives

BUT— here’s the kicker

The reptile expert guy was, by some miracle, FLOORED by Aziraphale’s performance and asks him to do more reptile shows with him

(By some... miracle, ha)

This, of course, was Crowley’s doing

To this next show, Aziraphale brought his biggest snake (Crowley), who was probably record-breaking in length. This snake is impressive

Reptile guy is so amazed, he makes an offer to buy the snake for the conservatory he works at

And Aziraphale has to awkwardly explain that no, none of his snakes are for sale, and they are all very happy in his bookshop, which has virtually no conceivable space where he could possibly keep snakes

Or, conversely:

“My boyfriend is not for sale, sorry”

Bonus!

After the apocanot, Crowley can’t stop joking about “that one guy who tried to buy me” and onlookers are not only very confused and concerned, but more so if reptile guy hears him and recognizes that the person in question was him