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suck it up

this isnt 18+ lmao

you werent really sure how long you've been standing in front of the fridge anymore.

sometimes, it scares you how little you feel. also, your time perception is wack, so there's that.

were you really about to break up with jake because he ordered chinese food and thats not what you wanted? but, on the inside you knew that it wasn't just about chinese food.

in fact, this wasnt even about him. this was about you.

you, who is too scared to speak out about anything. you, who is too shy to reach out to him. you, who is so detached from emotions that you dont even remember what happiness felt like. and you, who clearly did not deserve jake sim.

happiness, shouldn't you be feeling that from time to time? shouldn't being around jake make you feel happy?

you think back to that time again, when jake brought you a little keychain from that one time he went shopping with the rest of the members because he thought you'd like it. you smiled then, were you happy? is that happiness?

if love makes people happy then...is he happy? you dont remember buying him a keychain when you go out shopping. in fact, you dont remember if you have ever given him a spontaneous gift before. is that bad?

jake has always been very affectionate with you, he loves giving you kisses or hugs but you tend to push him away everytime, settling for just holding his hand. does that make him unhappy?

you knew that jake idealized emotional connections in relationships, did he find that sort of connection with you? you snort at that, highly unlikely. you think. how could you form an emotional connection when you don't even know what an emotion feels like?

you finally pull out the bowl of noodles from the fridge and shove it into the microwave.

maybe you should just suck it up and eat what he ordered.

but for some reason, it felt different now.

what if you aren't the one who is always sucking it up?

what if its jake?

you inhale sharply at that.

surely, he must be tired of the same old thing. same old you.

you, who takes more than gives. you, who he doesnt have an emtional connection with. you, the eternal victim.

maybe, he shouldn't have to suck it up anymore.

you feel arms encircling around your hips, "when did you get back?" you hear jake's deep voice in your ear and your breath stutters.

"a few minutes ago." you respond, your answer short and curt. jake presses a soft kiss to your cheek and you can feel your heart hurt when he smiles at you that way.

this smile, it should be for someone he deserves, someone thats not you.

you pull away instantly as if wounded and jake looks at you in shock and confusion. his hands drop to his sides again.

"i'm sorry, did that make you uncomfortable?" he asks gently, trying to reach out to grab your hand again but you put distance between the two of you again. not right now, you can't stand him being sweet to you, not to you. you, who doesn't deserve him.

"no." you respond, you don't want to have to do this. you don't want to have to talk to him about something like this. you can't. you don't want to. but keeping him from finding someone that he actually deserves...makes you feel so selfish.

"then what is it?" jake asks, his tone was concerned.

"its nothing." you say dismissively, crossing your arms over your chest.

"dont lie." your eyes snap up to meet his and you were once again taken aback at how quickly he had seen right through you.

"its nothing i swear." you insist but this just seemed to bother jake more.

"y/n, i dont mean to be like this but i know that something is bothering you. why can't you rely on me just this once? you can tell me anything, you know that i love you."

"you dont! you shouldn't." you yell, watching his eyes widen and then there's silence.

the two of you stand facing eachother, the microwaved bowl was now lay forgotten and the uncomfortable sound of the microwave is the only thing enveloping the tense air.

"...is this it, then? you think that i dont love you?" jake asks quietly.

"thats not it." you respond, jake looks at you as if coaxing you to continue and you sigh.

"you keep saying that you love me, and you treat me so well and you do all of these nice things for me, always. and i...can never do anything like that for you, ever. i felt as if, you felt compelled to stay with me. i dont want you to feel like that anymore. i feel selfish because, you deserve better. so much better than me." saying all of that, it scared the crap out of you but having it all out in the open this way made you feel lighter somehow.

"and? you dont think its selfish for you to decide what i do and don't deserve?" you feel stung by jake's sharp words.

"y/n, i treat you well not because i expect anything from you in return, but because i love you." he says while slowly making his way towards you.

"giving back isn't measured by money, because you give me so much more than that." he says gently, and you can feel your shoulders relaxing with each word of his.

"y/n, i am happy with you. i like talking to you, i like just being around you. you make me happy. i dont expect you to do anything else for me. all i ask of you is to be with me and be as you are."

his gentle words are disarming, and you aren't sure if you have ever felt so vulnerable before but you can't help but welcome it. you feel tears building up in the corners of your eyes but your lips still quirk up into a small smile.

"...do you really mean that?"

"i do, from the bottom of my heart."

maybe you should just suck it up and stay with him after all. but maybe, no one will have to suck it up anymore.