(and Then I Fell Down The Stairs Because I Was Looking At My Hands Cause They Didnt Feel Real) - Tumblr Posts

I AM SO PISSED I NEVER THOUGHT OF THIS

cal having depersonalization-derealization disorder.

throughout zero day, we observe cal zoning out, hesitating, or not understanding certain places or things. in the final words and when they’re building the pipe bombs, he stares at the ground a lot. he seems as if he’s trying to ground himself, to make sure everything is real around him. when he’s making his own tapes, he has weird pauses between his words in unnatural places. he also struggles to understand the consequences of his actions and how to read certain events like in the poetry scene or how he acted before and after prom.

a very significant moment is right before zero day when andre tells cal he couldn’t have done this with anyone else. cal takes almost a minute to fully answer him and his eyes are transfixed on the gun he’s loading. he even messes up the wording. the entire time we see cal, it’s like he’s in a dream.

while these things by themselves don’t seem like much, they paint a picture when joined together. cal doesn’t see himself as a real human. he struggles with seeing other people and things as real. it’s part of what gives him the grandiose ideas that allowed him to plan for zero day. he mentions how people used to duel in the past and the “code of the samurai.” nothing he says is in relation to himself or to his surroundings.

cal thinks of himself as an entity, of something greater than matter and greater than gravity. he is something he can’t touch. he is something that can’t relate to the world around him. he is so detached that he cannot touch the ground.