Back From The Dead. Writings. - Tumblr Posts

At 15

‘i told you i gained weight, you told me i looked alive.’

FEATURING: Choi Aecha + other nvla members are mentioned

DATE: we time skip from 2013 (age 15) to 2020 (age 21) to present day (age 25)

A/N: the header i had to make vs the header God intended for me to use

!!!: eating disorder, idk if it counts as abuse or assault but she gets hit, seizure but she doesn't have epilepsy it's just a consequence of her ed, hospitalisation

At 15, Aecha learnt about hunger.

It was a carving, aching pain. The feeling of smooth muscle eating itself because there was nothing else to digest. Nausea pulling up in your throat, but never resulting in anything because there wasn't anything. It was staying up till the next morning because there's no way to fall asleep when your brain and body are screaming at you to just eat.

“Goodness, I can barely focus on what you’re doing. All I can see are these.” The dance teacher roughly grabs her thigh and hits it mockingly. “How can you even stand here like this?”

Aecha bows her head and mutters an apology. She can feel everyone's eyes on her. Her seniors. Her peers.

“Listen. By next week you better lose some weight. Otherwise, I’m not teaching you.” She scoffs and turns to walk out. “I can’t fucking work with these kids.”

She didn't eat for the rest of the day, and once she did she threw it all back up.

At 21, Aecha learnt about anger.

She’d been angry before, but never like this. It felt like she was burning under the white fluorescent lights and diagnostic stares. She lashed out at everyone who looked at her with that same pitiful look that made her want to crawl out of her own skin.

Who was she even angry at? Dambi, for saving her life? Or herself for not hiding it as well as she thought she had? She’s pretty sure she screamed at both of them.

“You were fucking convulsing on the floor, Aecha! What the hell did you want me to do?!”

“You should’ve just- left me there! I wasn’t going to die!-”

“You are dying!”

Aecha can’t remember her response, but she remembers the tears.

At 25 Aecha learns how to be full, and how to enjoy it.

Before 25, Aecha felt like being full was a chore. Eating three meals a day felt like a more excruciating version of brushing your teeth before bed. Something no one really enjoys but everyone has to do. She didn’t understand the joy Sujin felt when eating Haeun’s home-cooked meals. They were good, yes, but the pit in her stomach that got heavier after every bite far outweighed the pleasant taste.

It took her a while- even after she technically 'recovered'- to remember what full truly feels like.

It’s the feeling she gets when she’s eating with six of her closest friends. The feeling she gets when she and Sujin trade bites because they both order different food to share. The feeling she gets when Haeun wordlessly drops off a new recipe for her to try and doesn't smile until Aecha goes, ‘Mmm, delicious’.

“Try this! I added vinegar this time.”

“Do you want to try that new restaurant? Everyone’s saying the steak’s pretty good.”

“Once we get to Japan we have to eat sushi again, I’m craving it so bad.”

Aecha didn’t even know she regained the ability to crave food until she said it out loud.

“Of course. I’ll eat anything with you.”

A/A/N: i originally scrapped this bc i tried a different writing style? kinda? and I’m not sure if the short sentences are overdoing it but instead of being self-deprecating and ruining the vibe, I am just going to say that it was fun to write and that's all that matters 👍

Tag Dump!

#back from the dead. ── aesthetic.

#back from the dead. ── profile.

#back from the dead. ── lore.

#back from the dead. ── discography.

#back from the dead. ── writings.

#back from the dead. ── aecha.

#back from the dead. ── sujin.

#back from the dead. ── haeun.

#back from the dead. ── eunjeong.

#back from the dead. ── dambi.

#back from the dead. ── nari.

#back from the dead. ── aina.

#back from the dead. ── misc.

back from the dead. ── edits.

#back from the dead. ── asks.

#back from the dead. ── connections.

#back from the dead. ── my blog.