Being Open - Tumblr Posts

I know I don’t have anyone really on here, so I’m just going to open up for a quick sec. sorry.

Trigger warning I suppose...

I think I am single, more or less, because I get in the way of my own happiness due to being a borderline sociopath and being a demon child when I was growing up.

Those memories come up and I just can’t get over it, dooming my relationships. People learn about the borderline thing, I tell them that the only issue is that it’s hard for me to love anyone, aided by trauma and history of abuse towards me, and then they leave.

It SUUUUUCKS being fucking 21 and feeling like no matter what, you have to mask your symptoms and hide yourself from everyone.

Family, friends, dates. Only in my own home do I let down my guard and my walls, act like myself, etc. I want to be more open, but when I do, I get yelled at or sneered at.

The worst is people thinking because I’m happy and smiling at times, I can’t be a sociopath or because I’m not smiling and goofing off, I’m not excited or happy.

I’ve been told, mainly by my family, that being excited for things like trips or getting food or even getting out of the car after a long car ride is not appropriate.

I’ve never truly felt like my emotions and relationships are my own. My family has always been open about their hatred for the way I act at times, whether because I’m too joyous or too depressing to be around.

When I try to be open about my feelings and try to help myself break my mask some, the looks of disapproval are so bad, that I hang my head in shame. It normally takes a hot minute for me to snap out of it enough to continue what I was doing.

I want to be able to express myself my way, but I’ve never been able to because of them. As a teenager I was always told it was because I was going through changes, or I was overreacting. As an adult I realize that it’s gaslighting it’s something similar.

My little sister is treated better in my eyes, they have nicknames for her, buy moderately expensive gifts for her, and help her succeed.

I figure that this is partially my fault as well. I’m so closed off that I never tell my family my interests, things I want to do in life. When I do, they kinda scoff or question it.

When she does it, they are excited and nice about it while I have to explain myself 20 different ways before they give me any encouragement, and even then, they treat it like I’m going to fail the moment I try.

I wanted to play piano, maybe go to college, I wanted to sing or dance professionally, or even just go to the gym. I’m so discouraged that I don’t do anything and I’m terrified of failing.

I hate everything about myself. I suck at drawing, my singing voice is mediocre at best, my gaming skills are beginner level, and I can’t code worth a shit.

I always fall and I can’t keep catching myself. I want someone to catch me, but my family fucking hate me.

If I go to them with my concerns, I get treated like I’m a 5 year old throwing a tantrum or even a preteen having an argument with them.

I have honestly never been treated like my age. It’s gotten so bad I keep forgetting I’m legally an adult. I have to defend myself on that every now and again.

Right now? I want to try and open up. I’m sorry I dumped a shit of stuff on this issue and my life, I just...needed to get it out.

I mean, I’m a 21 year old who still lives at home who has barely any skills above being a teenager and no ambitions because of fear. I suck.