Camptw1nk - Tumblr Posts
@camptw1nk.
" are you mad at me? " she had taken so much and drunken so much, everything feels blurry and buzzing and she can't wait to feel nothing at all. she's a pile of bodies on the couch, poured into place and unmoving besides her mouth. she's not even really sure that kurt's still there, her eyes trained on a blank wall ahead of her. she can't feel him, she hasn't touched him since before all of this, even though she's tried. it wasn't him, it was her. " i would be mad at me. i would hate me. " they hurt you, and i didn't stop it. they hurt you, and i let them. she can't stop and it feels like spilling. " kurt? "
“ camptw1nk. ”
he doesn't know how to answer that. some part of him is just happy she's safe, some part of him grateful that they're both alive, but some part of him is mad. he hates it, he doesn't want to feel that way, but he does. she got out, she knew he was there and she left. she left him knowing exactly what he would be facing, knowing exactly how horrible that place was. he's become accustomed to physical pain, enough that the results of what he'd been through don't feel as horrible as they could. he's not sure he could've survived this if he wasnt used to being hurt. "I'm not mad." because he couldn't admit it, he couldn't hurt her like that. she just wanted to survive, she was just trying to get out of it alive. jason didn't know he was there, there were plenty of reasons kurt got left behind. and if he's honest, he should've expected as much. being left behind felt natural to him. "I don't hate you." he's just hurt, both physically and emotionally.
she hadn't meant any of this, she hadn't meant to be cruel. but she had been, hadn't she? she wasn't strong enough to tell jason to go back the second he had opened the door, she wasn't strong enough to remember anything besides the pain and the smoke. she wishes she could forget everything, but she's also afraid to forget. when she was small, and her mother was still there, her heart would hurt, and hurt, and hurt, and her mother never remembered her. she never remembered what she did, and she made allie forget it too. she never wants kurt to feel like that, the pain of an empty space that no one wants you to remember. it's maybe the first time the forgetting was so clearly bad, so clearly something she doesn't want.
she still can't move, and allie's not sure that she would, even if she could. even if she wants to look at kurt, how could he want to look at her? she's horribly ugly now, and all she can feel is pain and she hurt him. it was her hands that did it, sometimes, she can remember it in her nightmares and she is the monster, not the men in the white coats. " you should hate me. i hate me. i should ... " i should still be there. she can't keep talking, all she can do is cry. but she tries her very best to be quiet, so wherever kurt is in the room, he can't hear it. she can't keep talking, but she does anyway. " why did they take you? "
don't let it break this, let me hold it lightly // give me arms to pray with instead of ones that hold too tightly. — florence + the machine, 100 years ; for @camptw1nk ♡ ( give rora edit permission with the 🖼️ emoji )
୨୧˚♡* ♱ starter call, accepting. ( @camptw1nk )
legs pressed together, side by side, the two of them sit near the lake. one more hesitant than the other to get closer, but even laura lee can’t deny the peace that the gentle waves bring, no matter how anxious the thought of the deep, murky water makes her, not being able to see what is beneath it. an escape from sharp words and the ever watchful gaze of kurt’s parents. she thinks he needs it more than her, even if he won’t tell her. certain prayers don’t need to be said. “ i wish it could always be like this. ” she says, and tries not to think of the weight of the words. “ i wish … i wish this was all it was about out here, like, the peace? it’s kind of nice. ”