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Are you ready, angel? | CH1

𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐮𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒: It all begins when Somi declares that she's on a sex ban for three months. You remind her of this when your life is turned upside down. And when everything finds its place again, you reconnect with him in a way you never would have expected.

You're new to this avenue of pleasure, Hyunjin isn't. Who can be better to guide you through this journey of self-discovery? And maybe Hyunjin has a few things to learn about himself.

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆: Hyunjin x Reader (female)

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓: 5K

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒: Strong language, hints of angst, nothing much really

𝐒𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐄𝐒 𝐓𝐀𝐆 𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @justoutfromdead @ameliastree @aerastus @purehyunida @danxythirstae01 @moasworld @c-atitos @hyunee1 @bangtanskz @jisungsleftcheek @uwusforateez @keehoslove (let me know if you want to be added to the tag list)

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Alright. Enough of this. It’s time to put your big girl pants on. You’re doing this.

The one thing you consider yourself to be good at is overthinking, and while your "wiser" side does agree that this decision is hard to come at, you're tired of searching up the same questions and hesitations.

You found the information a while back on a munch that occurred regularly at a diner up the road from you, the same information you read about while buying Hyunah onesies. It immediately caught your attention and you checked it out, genuinely impressed by its approach. It took you a month to actually work up the courage to attend one.

You were beyond nervous as you walked through the parking lot. You didn't know what to expect, what you were supposed to do or say. A breath later, you tell yourself that it's okay, that this is a public place. They probably won't be dressed in assless chaps or dragging each other around on leashes. You don't think so. Shit. Just normal people, like you.

By now, you are buzzing with nervous energy as you walk toward the glass doors of the restaurant. As you place your fingers on the door handle, you have a sudden surge of anxiety and you let go of the door. It almost feels like you're a shaken soda bottle, bubbling up with nervous energy and ready to explode anytime. You can't fucking do this. You turn on your heel and walk back to your car. You open up your car door and lean on the frame while taking a deep breath.

What is your problem? Stop being a wimp. You're not someone who gets scared of shit like this. It's a bunch of strangers who are inherently as open minded as they come. Time to woman-up and do this. No more fucking around. You want this. You need this, and it's not going to happen unless you turn yourself around and walk your ass back in there.

With a new resolve, you walk back to the restaurant. As you step into the lobby, you notice an approachable brunette with a warm, knowing smile on her face. "I remember changing my mind fifty times – do I go in or go home?"

You sheepishly return her smile, "It was that obvious, huh?"

"Maybe just to a kindred spirit. I'm Madeline, feel free to call me Maddy." She smiles again, which immediately sets you at ease.

"You're here for the munch?" She motions toward the group of a dozen or so – very normal-looking – people gathered around several pushed-together tables at the back of the restaurant. One man is animatedly telling some sort of story to the rest of the group. An outburst of laughter indicates that he must have reached the punch line.

You look back at Maddy, "I'm Y/n. I'm ridiculously nervous.” You make some sort of a noise between a huff and a chuckle.

Her face brightens as she tells you, “Don't worry about it. Come with me.”

You walk behind her toward the group. 

She greets everyone and introduces you. “Everyone, this is Y/n. She's new, so let's not scare her.” The group laughs and welcomes you in. Maddy offers you a chair next to hers, and you take a seat as people introduce themselves. After some non-specific chatting, people begin to chat amongst themselves in smaller groups. You end up in a group with Maddy and two other people, who appear to be a couple. One of them, Dahlia, asks you to tell a little about yourself.

“Well, I'm not sure where I'm supposed to begin. As Maddy told you, my name is Y/n, and this is all new to me, in terms of experience. I'm not really sure what you want to know.” You were honestly unsure how to answer this simple but vague prompt – did they want your life story? Were you supposed to give them a fake name? Were you supposed to tell them your darkest fantasies or something?

You smile nervously and glance around until you meet the gaze of a late twenty-something man who speaks up with a warm smile. You recognize him as the story-teller from earlier. “Y/n. I 'm Jisung. I'm glad you're here. Let's start with how you found us, and maybe what brought you here today. Are you interested in the lifestyle on a personal level? Doing research for a class? Start there.”

“Okay, that's easy enough,” you laughed. “I learned about this munch on a website, on the community calendar link, I think. It seemed casual enough, and I had availability in my own schedule, so I figured I'd come and check it out. I'm 'interested' on a personal level, I guess. I'm not practically experienced with BDSM. I mean, I know the basics from my own reading and research, like what the letters stand for, and what some of the terms are. I understand some of the psychology behind the lifestyle, from a class I took in college. I guess that class is probably what piqued my interest years ago, but this is the first time I'm pursuing this, like, in real life..."

You have unconsciously started to fidget, unaware that you are tapping your fingers loudly until you see Jisung glance at your hands. 

You stop abruptly, embarrassed. “Okay, I'm sorry, I'm rambling...”

Jisung shakes his head, giving you a reassuring smile. “No reason to be sorry.”

You huff out another laugh, “Okay. I'm still nervous as fuck right now!”

“What makes you nervous?” he asks.

“I guess everything?” You shrug your shoulders. “I grew up a 'good girl' who was basically told that sex is for dirty girls. You know, 'if it feels good, stop?' That sort of thing. So, sex and pleasure are things that I don't really talk a lot about. Out loud, anyway. Yes, I’ve had ‘flings’ but they were very, um, vanilla? Yeah, that sounds about right. I'm nervous that I'll be laughed out of the room because of my inexperience.” You blink away tears that have welled up beyond your eyes before you continue, “This is all so overwhelming. I feel like I'm on the verge of experiencing a sexual awakening or something... Fuck, why am I about to fucking cry about this?!"

You laugh while wiping away a few escaped tears.

Dahlia tilts her head thoughtfully as she speaks up, "Why not? You're opening up and letting yourself feel things, maybe for the first time. Crying is okay, sweetheart." Maddy puts a hand on your arm and agrees.

You learn a little about the individuals at the table. Jisung and Dahlia are in an exclusive Dom/Sub relationship. Jisung is the dominant, Dahlia is the submissive. Maddy describes herself as a “switch.” She is currently unattached, and is somewhat vague about whether she's looking for a play partner.

Jisung speaks again, “What is it you're looking for?”

You take a deep breath, pausing to think of your answer. “Guidance, really. I mean, the online forums answer a lot of questions, but I need more. More than I can get from just clicking from page to page. Does that make any sense?”

“It does,” Jisung replies with a warm laugh. “So, you've done some research. What do you know about your own tastes and preferences?”

“Well, I really feel like I just have theoretical preferences. I know what I fantasise about, and I know enough about myself to have an idea of what I am interested in exploring further.”

“Okay, then let's start there. Theoretically, are you a dominant or a submissive? Or have you thought about that?”

“Submissive. Which is something that surprised me, because I never considered myself to be a 'submissive' person by nature. I learned that being submissive in the BDSM context is not the same as having a doormat for a personality. I used to think of myself as a controlling person, actually. I think that has been more circumstantial. A lot of things in my life require me to maintain tight control, make decisions based on my judgement.

"I realised that I feel suffocated by the constant responsibility. My sex life has been unfulfilled, because I haven't been able to just let go. Trying to be "in control" during sex takes the pleasure out of it for me. That much I've known since before I knew what BDSM even was. Unfortunately, my past sexual partners have had no clue what to do with that.”

You feel like you are rambling again, which you probably are.

You hear Dahlia say to Jisung and Maddy, “We should introduce her to Sam.”

Jisung clears his throat. “I want to clarify, these meetings aren't really for matchmaking purposes, so I'm not trying to set you up with this person.” He studies your face for a few seconds before continuing. “That being said, I think there is someone you should meet. Just as another contact in our community. No pressure. He was actually living in the US for a while and he recently came back. Currently, he’s out of town for some personal work, but he'll be back for the next meeting.”

Maddy adds, “Yeah, and Sam is a great guy. He's got a lot of experience, and he likes to teach. I think he'd like you.”

You ask, “Like, Sam Smith?”

She laughs, “No, not Sam Smith!”

Just then your phone buzzes. It is your reminder to leave for the case management meeting for one of your patients.

"Shit, I have to get going – it’s work. But I'd really like to continue this conversation!” You start gathering your things. You exchange contact info with the three of them before leaving the restaurant.

You feel like a weight has been lifted off your soul…

***

The afternoon of your first actual break from work in ages, you get a text from Claudia.

You’re busy running the last check-up before the new parents checkout, something easy and fun to celebrate getting through another successful surgery, searching for any colouration, bumps or inflammation that the baby may have — and thankfully, finding none — which means you don’t manage to read it until the end of the day. When you do, it’s a surprise: Claudia asking if you’re available to come in for a chat, because she’s looking for someone to run the studio for a month over the summer break.

It’s something that immediately piques your interest – a little extra cash, and something to occupy what you know will be a boring break if your other plans don't work.

You let Claudia know you will come past once you have wrapped up with the hospital, making sure you will have enough time to pick up Hyunah from day-care afterwards, and are greeted with a grateful smile and a quick hug.

“I was hoping you’d bring Hyunah by, too,” she says, a little sheepishly.

You laugh. “Don’t worry, most of my friends are disappointed when I rock up to things by myself, too. But I’d have to double back, and I’m not risking another hour in the car.”

“Very understandable here. Now, what did you think of my offer?”

You chat for the next half hour or so, hashing out Claudia’s proposal. She’s heading to Europe in about a week’s time, and the person who was going to help run the studio in her absence has backed out unexpectedly. It won’t be a huge amount of work, as she still has other employees, but she just needs someone with more experience, who’ll make sure everything runs smoothly.

Even without the flattery, you're pretty keen on the idea, and you manage to work out a schedule that has you working a few shifts a week, allowing you enough time to still get time for a proper break, both to recharge and to spend time with Hyunah.

It’s just as you are wrapping up that you get three separate texts. The first is from the day-care, telling you Hyunah has developed a fever, which you respond to quickly, telling them you will be over right away. The second is from Dahlia, informing you that Sam is back and would like to meet you, and you send her a few random emoticons as you are unsure what to say. In the past two weeks you have learned that Sam is what you describe as a tall, handsome and well-spoken man. You redirect your thoughts to focus on the third message from Felix, which is somehow more alarming.

Felix: Need to speak with you asap. Can you come over tonight?

Y/n: Everything okay? I need to pick up Hyunah and Somi was going to come over for dinner.

You may have to cancel the plan now, Hyunah being sick and all.

Felix: Tell Somi to come by instead, and can you bring Hyunah over?

Y/n: If it’s that important? But you’re kinda freaking me out, here. You sure everything’s okay?

Felix: Sorry! It is. All is fine, but just get here asap. Without speeding of course

 Y/n: Of course

Relaying the message to Somi, you still feel a little anxious about the whole exchange, but don’t let yourself think too much into it. Hyunah needs more of your focus, so you wrap things up with Claudia quickly, promising you will sort everything else out soon, and you make your way out of the studio.

Only to bump into someone you were definitely not expecting to see.

“Seonghwa!” you exclaim, surprised. You had no idea he was back in general, let alone back at the studio.

“Hey, Y/n,” he greets, smiling just as warmly as you remember. “How are you? I didn’t realise you were still working here.”

“I’m good,” you say with a small laugh. “And, maybe. Kind of a long story. But, anyway, how are you? When did you get back?”

You had not exactly kept up with him these past three years; you really have no clue what he’s been up to since he left.

“It’s been a little while, actually. I got back at the beginning of the year. I was meaning to drop by earlier, but the year’s just gotten away from me.”

You laugh. “I know how it can be. So, what are you doing here now?”

“I’m here to see Claudia. I’m back at the community centre, and we’re wanting to organise some more class times.”

“Oh, that’s great! I guess I’ll probably see you around a bit, then.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice. It’d be good to catch up.”

“Of course,” you agree. “How about we exchange numbers? I actually have to rush off right now, but I’d love to hear what you’ve been up to while you’re away.”

“Sounds good,” Seonghwa says, taking out his phone and handing it to you. “So, where’re you heading off to?” He asks as you type your number. “Big Friday plans?”

You snort, shaking your head. “Unfortunately, no. My friend has bombarded me with mildly alarming messages, so I’m heading over to his place to see what it’s all about. But I have to pick up Hyunah first – she’s got a fever – so I’m trying to be quick about it.”

“Hyunah?”

“My daughter,” you say, smiling. “Sorry, sometimes I forget people don’t know.”

“Oh, wow,” he laughs, raising his eyebrows in surprise. “I didn’t realise you had a baby.”

“Yeah, it was after you left. She was a shock, but she’s incredible.”

“That’s amazing, Y/n. Congratulations.”

“Thank you.” Saving your name and number, you quickly text yourself before handing Seonghwa’s phone back. “Sorry, I’d love to stay and chat, but—”

“Hyunah,” he supplies, smiling kindly. “Your daughter definitely takes priority, don’t worry. I was meaning to tell you something, though.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, we actually have a mutual friend. Well, friend of friend to be exact.”

You frown in confusion. “Who?”

Seonghwa chuckles. “I, uh, I met someone while I was away, another Korean,” he says, and then, with very little fanfare: “Her name’s Yeji.” You’re not sure how your smile doesn’t falter when everything inside of you drops, but somehow, you manage to keep it in place. Seonghwa continues, seemingly oblivious. “Her friend mentioned a Y/n when I told him I used to work in an art store here.”

“Hyunjin?” You ask, voice coming out quiet. Your heart is lodged in your throat.

Seonghwa’s brow creases. “Yeah,” he says. “I didn’t know whether you’d remember or not. He said you met a few years ago.”

You clear your throat, manage a smile and hope that it looks as wrecked as it feels. 

“Small world,” you joke, but it sounds wrong. “I’ll, um, I’ll keep in touch, okay?”

Seonghwa nods, looking over you for a moment before he smiles again; it’s not as though you know each other well enough that he can press you on the oddness of your behaviour. “Yeah, sounds great, Y/n.”

You nod, manage one last smile, before turning on your heels and heading out of the studio. Your throat tightens and your stomach tangles into sickening knots. Shit. Holy fucking shit. Tears quickly sting the backs of your eyes, but you blink them back, reminding yourself to breathe.

In. Out. In. Out.

All you need to do right now is pick up some medicine for your daughter, and then collect her from the day-care.

It’s not much of a plan, but it’s at least enough to get you into the car and drive to the day-care. There’s a drugstore only a few blocks away, so you stop in to grab something for Hyunah quickly, your hands shaking as you hop out of the car, pulling your phone out to call Somi.

You don’t let her get a single word in once she picks up. “Somi, I’m seriously freaking the fuck out right now,” you whisper into the phone as you find the medication aisle.

“What’s wrong?” Somi asks, alarmed. “Is it Hyunah?”

You shake your head. “No. I can’t even – fuck, I can’t even say it.” You take a deep breath, find the children’s Advil you’re looking for. “I’m just grabbing some tablets for Hyunah before I pick her up, so I’ll be there in half an hour, okay? I just – I need to talk to someone for a moment.”

“Okay, that’s – of course, babe. Do you need me to come pick you up?”

You swallow, clearing your throat slightly. 

“No,” you say, honestly. “I’ll be fine for the next thirty minutes.”

“Okay. I’ll have some tea waiting for you when you get in. Now, what do you want me to distract you with in the meantime?”

Such intense fondness for Somi fills your chest, even as your inner freak out intensifies. “What’s that new show you’ve been banging on about?”

“That’s too vague a question,” Somi jokes, and you smile as you turn to go to the checkout. “Which show haven’t I been banging on about?”

Your laugh is weak, but it’s real, and you’re about to respond with some easy snark before you’re stopped in your place by a familiar voice.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. 

You know that voice. You would know it anywhere. The voice that makes your chest tighten and your throat once again close up.

That voice, the one that broke your young heart when he told you "I don’t do relationships." 

The voice which left you because he had to move on with his life. "I'll see you around, angel."

What the ever living fuck is he doing here?

“Y/n?” You hear from behind you, that same, deep, warmth that you still remember, despite the three years that have passed.

“Fuck, Raven, I’ve gotta go,” you say into your phone, quick and quiet. “I promise I’m okay, but I have to go. Bye.”

You end the call before you can hear your friend’s response. Then you take a breath.

It’s still a shock when you turn around, for all you knew exactly who it was from the first sound of your name. Still a shock to see him standing before you after all these years, all broad and handsome like you remember, a mess of blonde curls and brown boba eyes that are exactly like Hyunah’s.

You smile, hope it doesn’t waver.

“Hyunjin.”

***

Three years back

Somi’s looking at you like you’re a fucking idiot.

You are not sure if you have ever been on the receiving end of a look quite like that, or such steadfast persistence, and you have got to hand it to your friend: it would make most crumble and concede quickly. But you're probably as stubborn as Somi is persistent, and despite the half hour she’s been ranting about the opportunity that’s presented itself – the opportunity being the phone number of a one night stand you gushed about for at least two hours this morning – you think you are doing an exceptional job in holding strong.

“I can’t believe you,” Somi’s saying, already having worked herself into something of a huff at your refusal to budge on the matter. It’s a little fun to watch, honestly. “You’re being crazy right now, Y/n. Crazy, do you know that?”

“I’m not being crazy, Somi,” you say, rolling your eyes at your friend’s dramatics. “I'm being practical.”

“Practically an idiot,” Somi mutters, a comment you ignore. “I just don’t get why you aren’t taking this guy up on his offer.”

“I’ve already explained this.” Your friend’s gaze is sharp on you, and you look down to avoid it, frowning at the ever-growing pile of crap in your basket. You were wandering through the aisles of your local drugstore when you — stupidly — admitted to having saved your one night stand’s number in your phone, and you think Somi’s frustrations with you has translated into angry shopping because there are a lot of things in there you probably don’t need.

“He’s leaving in a week,” you lay out your defence; reasonable, you think. “There’s no point in starting something that’s over barely before it’s begun.”

“No, no, no. You’re thinking about this in an entire fucking wrong way. It doesn’t have to be starting something, or anything. It can just be – just a weeklong holiday. A break from the same old bore.”

“Maybe I just don’t want a break from the same old bore...?”

“You’re the one who told me all about the night you spent together,” Somi says. “And that he gave you his number. I think you just secretly want accountability. You know, not to be chicken shit.”

“I do not.”

Somi snorts, sending you a look that tells you just how transparent you are. “So you’re telling me that you met a hot guy, hit it off straight away, and had awesome sex—” she points out on her fingers “—and him leaving his number doesn’t make you want to call at all?”

“Yes, despite all of that, I don’t want to call.” 

The words don’t ring quite as true as they did ten minutes ago.

“You’re such a terrible liar.”

“And you’re such a terrible bully.”

Somi rolls her eyes, biting back a much too sly grin. “You know, in our entire time living together, you’ve not once gone home with someone else?”

You frown, partly from the statement and partly from Somi’s change in tactics. “What? That’s definitely not true.”

“It is,” she insists. “You bring people home; you don’t go home with them. And now, in a time where I’m in a desperate need of seeing hot people, you can’t even pull through with that. Seriously, Y/n, you’re forgetting that I’m living vicariously through your sex life at the moment.”

“It’s not my fault you’re on a weird sex ban,” you say. “And anyway, my original point still stands. He’s leaving in a week and there’s no point starting something that will be over as soon as it begins.”

“And my original counter-point still stands. You’re thinking about it in the wrong way.” 

Before you can protest, Somi puts her hands on your shoulders, soldiers on. “You may have been the debate club president, babe, best speaker even, but trust me, I’ve got you on this. Look, nobody’s saying you have to fall in love with this guy. And if I really thought you didn’t want to call him, I wouldn’t push it. But I think you do, and I think that makes you nervous, so you’re talking yourself out of something you want: a week of fun with a hot guy before you start the last, crazy term of your undergrad.”

You worry your lip, feeling yourself faltering. “It just feels... weird, you know, dragging out a one night stand.”

“He left his freaking number; he obviously still wants to see you.”

“Okay, point. But what if I don’t like him without alcohol and I have already agreed to hang out with him for a week? Or, what if I like him a lot, and then I'm heartbroken when he leaves?”

“You already know that you like him, alcohol just makes you worry less,” Somi says. “And it’s a week, Y/n. You’re not going to be heartbroken.”

“A lot can happen in a week,” you mutter under your breath, petulant.

Somi laughs, shaking her head a little. “You're ridiculous.”

“Shut up.” You screw your nose up at her. “You’re not gonna drop this, are you?” You ask, mostly just to delay the inevitable. You know Somi won’t, and as much as you hate to admit it, your friend is right. There is a part of you that wanted — wants to call him, and just requires encouragement.

“Not a chance.”

“Fine,” you relent, and stupidly, your heart quickens with the decision. “I'll text him.”

Somi’s face splits into a mischievous grin. “Good. I’m expecting a very satisfied Y/F/N for next week.”

“You’re the worst. You know that, right?”

Somi’s smile is entirely self-congratulatory. “I do.”

In actual fact, Somi is far from the worst. You met three years ago, as co-workers at a part time job you had and you never liked each other. But after you both let off some steam, you and Somi became fast and best friends, keeping each other after dealing with your perverted employer.

Friends became roommates about a year ago, and between further shitty relationships, an accident that led to months of physical therapy and an almost broken leg, and general bonding over alcohol and takeout and shitty TV, Somi’s easily one of your favourite people now.

Still, while she’s one of your favourites, that doesn’t mean she isn’t annoying. Even if she’s convincing you to do something you wanted to do anyway. Somi may have a point about you being chicken shit.

Y/n: Still looking for a tour guide for the next week?

He replies quickly, and that has you smiling in mild worry.

Hyunjin: Hey. Yeah I am still looking for a tour guide. You offering, or is this a general inquiry?

Y/n: I may have some free time on my hands. Are you free tonight?

Hyunjin: After six, yeah. Want to get drinks? I can come out your way this time.

Y/n: Yeah, sounds great.

You hash out plans to meet tonight at eight, and with Hyunjin’s final ‘See you then, angel', you are pretty sure it was the right decision.

“Alright, I’m getting drinks with him tonight. Happy?”

Somi smirks. “Ecstatic, queen. Now here, you’ll be needing these.” She hands over a box of condoms and a lube, having apparently picked them up while you were busy texting. “You can never be too careful, babe. The pill doesn’t protect you from everything.”

“It’s not fair that you can hide your teasing beneath genuine concern for my wellbeing,” you say, dropping the box and lube in the basket. She is right, after all.

You pay for your stuff before making the walk back to your apartment, chatting easily along the way. Somi mentions texting the gang to come out tonight, back up for you in case you need it, which is how Somi shows that she cares. Still, it’s kind of startling how sure you are that she won’t actually call them to only be your "bodyguards".

Your memory of the other night is a little hazy, but you did get along really well, and Hyunjin was definitely a good guy.

“Just to make sure he isn’t an axe murderer,” Somi insists, as you make your way up to the second storey of your building. Elevator maintenance has been going on for a month now, and even with Somi’s almost healed leg after slipping on cocktail, the climb is still slow. She extends her arm up the last flight so that you can help her up and when you flick her forehead, she gives you her typical puppy how-can-you-do-this-to-me eyes.

“Now you’re worried he might be an axe murderer?” You ask, amused.

“Well, if he’s a hot axe murderer, I might let it slide.”

“So either you're just thirsty or you have nothing better to do but to judge my taste in guys.”

“Exactly,” Somi says, unlocking the door to your place and pushing her way in. “I think you’re forgetting the whole ‘I’m living vicariously through you’ aspect to this.”

“Yeah, I’m really not.” You flop down onto the couch and turn on the TV. “You’ve mentioned it about forty times today.”

“But it worked,” Somi points out, stealing the remote to switch on, like you weren’t about to do the exact same thing. “When you get laid multiple times this week, you’ll thank me.”

“Promise,” you say, knocking your shoulder against Somi’s. “Thanks for letting your sex-ban convince me.”

“Hey, what are friends for?”

“Apparently for convincing me that I deserve a ton of string-free sex.”

“Apparently, precisely, a yes.”

You laugh, turning back to the TV even as excitement begins to simmer beneath your skin.

Yeah, a week of meaningless fun sounds pretty damn good.

***

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