Choi San Angst - Tumblr Posts

Never Enough

Idol AU Choi San x (F)Reader

Summary: “Sannie boy, women…are a mystery…and as a man, you’ll just have to keep pretending like you’ve figured them out, just to keep your sanity intact.” He wouldn't be San if he didn't get to the bottom of this.

Genre: Hurt + Comfort

Rating: PG-17

Warnings: insecurities, toxic relationships, low self-esteem issues

Word Count: 4.4k

Est.Read Time: 22 min

Networks: @cromernet @k-labels @illusionnet

Banner: @cafekitsune

Tossing his keys on the table, he walked into the apartment, peeking into the kitchen to find Mingi and Seonghwa standing above the stove, deciding the fate of what was supposed to be tonight’s dinner. Considering he had skipped lunch, he only settled for an iced-coffee he really was ready to eat a whole horse. Tapping on the door frame, he caught their attention, raising his eyebrows and gesturing towards the stove, “What’s for dinner.”

The other two exchanged a look before Mingi smirked at the mountain of a man, “Don’t know about us, but I’m sure you’ll just skip to dessert.”

“...”

“What?”

With a heavy sigh, the unearthly gorgeous man next to Mingi shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose, feeling the upcoming headache, “Your girlfriend’s here, said she wanted to surprise you.”

His head tilted at the mention of his lover, lower lip jutting out in a pout as he tried to think about her, he had not spoken to her the entire day, or texted her, even her ‘good morning’ text seemed awfully dry. He had asked Wooyoung about it, who had ever so kindly responded with, “Sannie boy, women…are a mystery…and as a man, you’ll just have to keep pretending like you’ve figured them out, just to keep your sanity intact.”

“You sure?” the words left his mouth before he could stop, or even phrase them correctly, eyes darting to the face of his more observant flatmate, regretting it immediately when he met his curious boba eyes.

“Well…unless she has an evil twin, I’m pretty sure it’s her,” Seonghwa narrated, picking up the wooden ladle to taste the soup, only to grimace at the taste, then turn back to the man, “You seem surprised she’s here, did something happen?”

“N-no, no, nothing happened.” clearing his throat he quickly brushed him off, with a wave of his hand, bidding them goodnight as he marched towards his room, making sure to make minimal noise as he cracked open the door, peaking in to find all the lights had been turned off, even the side lamps were off- okay, so they were either playing a dirty trick on him, or something was up.

He flicked the lights on as soon as he entered the room, eyes scanning for the certain individual, only for him to let out a small gasp and turn them back off, scurrying over to a side to turn on the small lamp, before quickly glancing in her direction as he let out a small sigh in relief, glad he had not woken her up. A small smile replaced his pout as he leaned closer, her perfume enveloping his being as he sighed in relief, a hand brushing the hair off her face, before his knuckles gently caressed her warm cheek, taking in the tired expression she wore even though she was asleep. As much as he loved how independent and confident she was, it hurt him to see her like this, burdened and tired, and a part of him wished he could somehow help her- but every time he’d ask, she’d just smile at him and pinch his cheek, thanking him instead, it really did confuse him, especially when she’d add, “Thank you for being the only person who never wants anything in return, Sannie.”

Even though the two had been together for a while, there was much about her he still could not understand, possibly due to the fact that she would never talk about herself- that is unless it was something important, though he was glad that he was at least receiving this much.

More often, it would be about him, what he’d like to do, what he’d like to eat, where he’d like to go on Valentine’s day, if he’d ask her, she’d fire back with the ‘where you feel best.’ Initially, he didn’t like this at all, for him, your partner is supposed to put in the same amount of effort, she’d do any and everything he liked, which is why he had begun to feel as if this was only working out because she’d agree to everything he’d say- he was the one leading this relationship.

Due to this very reason, earlier on in their relationship, he had decided to break things off with her, like the gentleman he was, he had asked her if they could meet in person, and she had instantly said yes. Finding a quiet small diner wasn’t difficult, the difficult part was when he’d have to break the news to her, truth be told he really did like her, but her persistent ‘yes woman’ behaviour had led him to believe that this was unhealthy for both of them. Unfortunately, he was unable to do so, especially when he had seen her smile at him, skipping to his table that was way in the back corner, placing a gift bag in front of the man, urging him to open it.

“What is it?”

“You have to open it, silly, it’s a gift!”

“Why? It isn’t my birthday.” pushing the bag aside, he sighed before glancing up at her, only to notice how her smile had dropped, eyes wide, swirling with an emotion he couldn’t comprehend. Maybe he had spent a minute too long, trying to think of what to say or do, before she cleared her throat and gave him a tight lipped smile, sitting down on her seat across from him, nodding at him.

“You’re right…” she began, that faux smile of hers was present, something stirred within him that night, he’d never seen her smile like that, usually, whenever she’d smile at him, he’d notice how her eyes would twinkle, lips stretched to a beaming grin- that’s not what he saw at the moment. “I just saw this recently and thought…you’d like it…you don’t have to accept it and- I- I didn’t do this to receive anything in return.”

That was all it took for him to reach into the back and pull out a small box, opening it to find a keychain, holding it up to the light he glanced at her and then back at the shining plastic figure, a Tetsuro Kuroo keychain. He had mentioned once how he liked the anime, but he never mentioned his favourite character.

“I have a Kenma one…I just thought you’d like Kuroo…cat and all…you know.” she mumbled faintly, somewhat embarrassed now, “I- I know it’s stupid, it’s just-”

“I love it.”

She glanced up from her hands to meet his sharp eyes, flinching at the way he was staring right through her, before he gently placed the keychain back in the box, after making sure it was wrapping in the pale purple tissue to avoid any scratches. A small smile graced her lips, eyes falling back onto her lap as she nodded, mumbling, ‘That’s good to know.’

“I need you to be honest with me,” he began, somewhat conflicted if he really wanted to end things with her now, only continuing when she looked up at him and nodded, “Do you…chose not to disagree with me out of fear?” He was unsure if that was a rude question, but the way she bit her lower lip, avoiding his eyes, oh he loved how Wooyoung had convinced him this girl was only dating him because he was an idol, but that was not what he could see, leave it to Choi San to fall for someone who was trained to believe that love was a game of exchange, and for her to earn any form of liking, she must first prove herself worthy.

Picking at her nail she glanced up at him, trying not to let it slip, anything slip, instead of choosing to whisper, “I…I just don’t want you to be upset.”

“I think you trying to seek my approval is what upset me the most.” he sighed, leaning back against his seat, taking in her posture, shoulders slumped, hands in her lap, eyes lowered. For a moment, he really wondered if putting in the effort was worth it, trying to be with someone who was already not sure of herself.

“I’m sorry…I just…really like you, and I…didn’t want you to- I- what if you don’t like the same things I like?”

Shaking his head in defeat, he leaned closer, resting his forearms on the table, “Then wouldn’t that mean that I’m not the right guy for you, too? Right?” he watched her nod then lower her head, clenching her eyes shut, and from the way her shoulders had been shaking, he could tell she was trying to hold back. Maybe he was too kind for his own good, because he reached over and grabbed her hand, holding it in his, as he met her eyes, “I’m not saying let’s break up…All I’m asking for is honesty, I don’t care how bitter, how negative or rude, just…be honest with me, you know almost everything about me, but, I still know surface level stuff about you, yeah?”

For once in his life, he was glad to have talked it out, to have handled it maturely, because as the days turned to weeks, and weeks turned to months, he had learnt more and more about her. The way she had begun to open up to him, even if slowly, he loved it. The first time she had ever refused his suggestion had him smiling like a mad man, almost scaring her as well;

“You wanna get ice cream?”

“Sure…”

“There’s a couple’s deal on mint choco-”

“I’d rather starve.”

Sighing, he smiled down at her, knowing that if she was here right now, tangled in his sheets, hugging his pillow, something was bothering her, and perhaps for some time, if she had to retreat to his place as a safe haven. With one more glance, he quickly tucked her in, making sure to press his lips against her temple, before deciding to take a shower.

.

He walked back into his room, humming to himself, his towel draped over his broad shoulders, his blank top clinging onto him like skin, hair curtained over his forehead as his eyes landed on her- “Oh?”

Somehow, the man found himself sitting on the bed, back against the headrest, arms around her waist, with her straddling him, her arms around his neck, foreheading pressing against his chest.

“So…I take it your day was bad?”

“Mhmm…” she mumbled before sitting up straight, her hands sliding off his neck, palms tracing his form before resting on his shoulders, fingers digging into the muscles, looking up at him dead in the eye, completely blank and serious, “Do you want to do the deed?”

He blinked at her, letting the words sink in before tilting his head, “Um…you mean have se-”

She covered his mouth with both hands, pink dusting her cheeks, the sound of the AC gently wafting in the room as he let her do as she pleased. His fingers that had been toying with the hem of her shirt stopped, moving to gently place both hands on her thighs, giving a light squeeze, wanting her to remove her hands.

Slowly she pulled back, placing her hands flat on his hands before nodding, “Yes…that.”

“So you want to ‘do the deed’, but don't want me to say the word?”

“No.” She let out a huff, peeling his hands off her and wrapping them around her waist, as she pressed herself against him, “Do YOU want to do it?”

“Well…I’m a man, not only that, I’m a man, who’s girl is literally pressing herself onto him,” he mumbled, bringing his hands to her shoulders and creating some distance as he raised an eyebrow, “Most of all, I’m the same man who agreed to your terms of the deed being done after marriage, so tell me, why are you suddenly changing your terms?”

Pouting at him she slipped her hands between them, placing them on his chest, “Are you sure? Do you not find me attrac-”

“I have good self-control, but it’s not perfect.” he hissed, as he gripped her cheeks, squeezing them gently before lowering his neck to glare at her, his sharp eyes trying to crack whatever the hell was happening in her head, “Now, tell me where all this is coming from.”

“Ish nuthin’ .’’ He blinked at her, taking in the way she let him squish her cheeks, her lips forming a pout as he sighed before leaning closer to press his lips against hers, but only for a moment, too afraid he'd lose composure. With a gentle pat to her cheek he pulled back, leaning against the headrest once more, hands folded on his belly, staring at her, instantly regretting the hold he had on her at the sight of her reddened cheeks, faint imprints of his fingers leaving a mark.

The two sat there in silence, nothing but the slight buzz of the air conditioner present in the room, he was quietly observing her, a small smile gracing his pleasant features, watching her sitting there on his thighs, looking at her hands, examining her freshly painted nails- purple. She really did amuse him sometimes, asking for something like ‘doing it after marriage’ but still choosing to sit in his lap without a care in the world. It brought him great pleasure, the feeling of her blind faith that she held towards him.

“You like?” Breaking the peaceful silence, she raised a hand, showing him her nails, smiling when he nodded in return, “Mhmm…”

“I wanted to get like a diamond on this one-”

“So, are we gonna talk about this…or?” His question cut her off, causing her to sigh, and shrug, “I…” reaching for his hands, still nestled on his belly, she turned them around, his larger hands in hers, turning them to face palm up, “Last week…at work…they were talking about who was still single- guess what, I am.” With the tip of her index finger, tracing random patterns on his stretched out palm, as if she were painting on a canvas, he tried to focus on what she was writing but her statement caused his eyes to lock on her face, pouting at her statement, “But..you aren't.” He knew this relationship was to be kept private, and she did too. Did she want to come public?

“S.A.N” he caught it quickly, looking down at her purple nail, caressing his skin. What was she thinking?

“I know, I just told them I'm waiting for the right person, but…then SHE said I don't have a love language which is why I'm this hopeless…”

Oh. So this wasn't about him, but just her. He knew whom she was referring to, a new recent hire. One she claimed was a two-faced no-good punk. Honestly, her words had caught him off guard, never seen her ‘hate on someone’ this quickly. That was exactly why he believed her. And if one were to speak about her love language, true for a while, San was unsure of how she'd express herself too but then-

“She was like there are five to six types of love languages and I- I don't have any!”

‘♡’ nodding he tilted his head, trying to suppress the feeling of her drawing a heart, he could easily tell what it was, ever the romantic. Honestly, he wanted to meet this lady, who had been bothering his little overthinker for the past few months, it was and enough she often felt she didn't deserve love, we didn't need a complete psycho adding fuel to the fire. He was about to reply but got distracted when she wrote something else,

‘us’

“I think yours is touch, physical affection! I can tell when you're with everyone, it's sweet.” She smiled up at him, lowering herself, moving closer to him, to make sure she met his eyes that were glued to their hands, his eyes meeting hers for a split second, widening as he realised the lack of response from his end. Glad his freshly washed fluff of hair was covering most of his eyes, obscuring the view of her face, any longer, and his lips would've been claiming what was his.

“Yeah…it is.” He breathed our, turning his head to look at something else. The wall was interesting enough. Maybe having her sitting on him wasn't the started idea-

“Do you not like me enough to show me the same way?”

His head snapped back in her direction, hands leaving hers to gently cup her face, making sure she wouldn't look away. The sombre look on her face already had his heart sink to his stomach, “I don't just like you…I love you…and…I'm touching you right now? Right? I just don't want to cross a line, I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. That's all.” he gave her a small smile, trying to help her feel the sincerity of his words.

Taking a minute to process his word she just hummed, not saying a yes or no, which in return made him press his forehead against hers, wanting her to understand how he felt, “And she's wrong…you do have one…it's called acts of service.”

“Slavery?”

“No, I-” Letting out a sigh he pulled back and raised an eyebrow at her, “Seriously?”

“What! You said it!” arguing she leaned back, her hands resting on his knees as she frowned at him, “well explain then, ‘master Choi.”

He gulped at her outstretched form, eyes trailing from her face down to her neck, and that loose shirt she wore - definitely raided his closet- as finally stopping at her thighs, it truly amazed him, how she had no clue what she was doing to him, that and he was one strong willed man. Not to mention the little nickname had him squirming in place, he could feel the cold-sweat trickle down the back of his neck, “I…” Clearing his throat he looked back up at her, “It means, you do things that you know will keep me safe and healthy, you take care of all the little things and details usually people overlook, like how you make sure to stuff some oreos in my bag, or how you sometimes get food delivered to our apartment, enough for everyone but it's always my favourite and,” his breath hitched at the way she was looking at him, as if he was her whole world, as if he were the only reason she chose to wake up every morning, “You find enough time from your hectic nine to five to drop by and sleep in my bed, waiting for me, just so I have someone to hug at night.”

By now most of her insecurities were put to rest, the constantly replaying memory of her coworker embarrassing her in front of everyone at work seemed to become a distant memory, especially when he began to move, gently pushing her back, until she was laying on the mattress, looking up at him with a quizzical look, as he hovered above her, his forearms digging into the soft bedding on either side of her head.

“Sannie?”

“Did you…tell your mother about us?”

The way her face contorted into some form of discontentment gave it away, it did not go well. Perhaps she did not approve of him being an idol? Or maybe he just was not whom she pictured her daughter with. Maybe she was not comfortable with her daughter dating someone who had to travel a lot-

“She asked me how long till you realise I'm a waste of time.”

His eyebrows scrunched at the statement, widening his eyes as he looked at her, as if he hadn't heard her correctly the first time, causing her to sigh and repeat,

“I told you, and although she was glad, she was worried that I'd do something to push you away- well, in my case, not enough to have you stay.”

“What does that even mean?”

“It means I'm incapable of loving, San. There will be a time when you realise I can't match your expectations and you'll finally decide to move on because I'll never be enough.”

The words she had so carelessly slipped past her pretty lift hit him like a ton of bricks, causing him to push himself off her, sitting on his knees instead as he blinked at his dull reflection on the blank TV screen. A part of him wondered what in God's name was that even, wanting to go outside to take a few deep breaths before coming to talk to her in a rational manner, the other part of him, the more immature one, was convincing him to yell at her for being like this.

Sitting on her forearms, she looked up at him, watching him lost in thought. Maybe she should just go now and not wait for the horrid heart break that would eventually conclude this relationship. It's not like she wanted to believe the words of her parent, but at the back of her mind she knew, she knew she'd never be enough, no matter how much she'd try- there just some people who could never meet expectations and she was one of them, which would explain why she felt it was justified if he walks away-

“Do you believe that?”

Her eyes met his, an unusual emotion swirling within his dark orbs, “Do you believe her?”

“Well, she is my mother, so I'm sure she's right-”

“That's not what I asked you,” he snapped at her, an edge to his tone causing her to flinch and lower her gaze, “ I asked if you believe you don’t deserve to be loved?”

“Yes…” she breathed out, licking her lips out of nervousness, “I-I do.”

“Because love is an exchange?” His frown deepened at her meek nod, “Then what do you think I want in exchange?”

“I'm…not…sure.”

“What do you want in exchange?” He flipped the question, borderline scared of her answer, but a part of him knew what it was, but the more dominant side was afraid of his guess being wrong.

“I want…I just…” her breath hitched, biting her lower lip to keep composure before flopping back down on the bed, pressing the heel of her palms against her eyes, whimpering, “... want you to love me.”

The man felt himself relax, expressions softening as he pouted at the way she was crying before him, unsure if he should use words or…honestly he knew he couldn't just pluck this insecurity out of her, especially when it was stitched into her being. She’down often tell him how even as a child, she'd only be able to get a toy if she got a good grade, got praied if she got a good grade or achieved something worth notice but at the end of the day, it was never enough, because after that came another obstacle she’d have to overcome to gain recognition-and till now, he had just discarded those things, thinking they had no real impact in shaping her, boy was he wrong.

The sudden weight pushed the air out of her lungs, feeling his fingers grip her wrists before her hands were pulled away from her face, only for her to stare at the ceiling. She looked down to find his head resting against her chest, a broken laugh causing his head to shake on her chest. He looked up at her with a pout, resting his chin on her, “It's so silly, how that's all I planned to give you anyway.”

“Huh?” she blinked at him, watching him rise up, pressing wrists into the mattress as he approached her, the tip of his nose brushing against hers, “You're so silly…you think if I didn't love you, I would have agreed to your terms?”

“I…I don't know…” honestly she wanted to respond, but this form of intimacy was new to her, sure, they would sleep together sometimes, but that would just be sharing a bed, he'd never really held her down, never pressed himself against her like this.

“I said yes to the ‘deed after marriage’, because,” he paused, ony to brush his lips over hers before kissing her properly, making sure to add enough pressure to leave her out of breath when he moved back, “I want to marry you one day, you think some silly little exchange policy is going to scare me away?”

Her eyes widened at his confession, about to burst into tears once more but he shook his head, “No! No more crying! No more silly sad thoughts!” He declared, yelling loud enough for her to shush him, “I WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY!”

“I'm happy! I'm happy, Sannie, shhh!” She whispered, only for her to break out in a fit of giggles when he dug his fingers into her sides, smirking at the way she was wheezing and trying to fight him off.

“Are you sure!?” He hollered, following her as she tried to crawl away, grabbing her by her leg and pulling her back to him, giving her a crooked smile, “I don't think so-” his eyes fell to the shirt that had slid up when he pulled her back down, quickly skimming over the expanse of the bare skin, trailing lower to the purple lace, “Did you...where…I…no shorts!?” He asked, not really bothering to look away from a sight he had never witnessed before.

“Well I- I mean I randomly came by and,” she mumbled, pushing her shirt down to cover her naked legs, rolling it down till it reached her thighs, “I didn't wanna go through your underwear drawer…that's disrespectful.”

“You went fishing in my cupboard for this though,” he asked, frowning at the coverage, before gripping the hem of the cotton and flipping it over, causing her to shriek, “San!”

“Hmm” no longer registering anything he slowly got off her, climbing off the bed as he walked out the door, leaving her extremely confused, her only clue was, “Will be back in five.” Was he okay?

Honestly, she would've asked if everything was alright, but after this entire confession, she felt as if an anvil had been lifted off her chest. Feeling much better as she snuggled into his sheets, half awake as she waited for him, only for her to almost doze off till she felt his arm wrap around her waist, sliding her closer to him, till her back was pressed against his chest. He leaned forward to kiss her cheek, only she had turned her head to meet his kiss, though she paused, eyes flickering to his went strands, glistening under the dim atmosphere light of the lamp.

“Did you take a shower again?”

“Mhmm.” He mumbled, pressing his cheek against hers, his hand giving her thigh a gentle squeeze trailing back to her waist.

“Why?” She yawned, too tired to really care.

“Doesn't matter,” he mumbled, nuzzling his nose into her warm cheek before leaving a sloppy kiss, enough for her to whine, which he ignored, only to respond with, “Better wear purple on our wedding night too.”

Taglist: @edenesth @yessa-vie @mlysalt @the-kpop-simp @spooo00oky @bunnyluvr25 @s-h-y-a @ateezswonderland

Love this! Lowkey sad she didn’t actually end up with Yeosang but a nice ending overall.

broken | c.s (series m.list)

» summary: your life has been a tragedy... to put it simply. moving; you're always moving. one place to another; from your mother's home, to your father's, to your aunt's and uncle's, and now to a new city--always trying to find a place to belong. your parents didn't want you, your aunt and uncle definitely couldn't stand you, and you weren't good enough to make the one and only guy who has ever given you a chance, stay. but maybe here, things will be different.

» pairing: choi san x reader

» genre: fuckboy!San, angst, romance, fluff?, smut, toxic men (the usual), love triangle, etc

» status: complete

» word count: 105k

to be on the taglist, simply drop a reply or an ask :)

» chapter one | chapter two | chapter three | chapter four | chapter five | chapter six | chapter seven | chapter eight | chapter nine | chapter ten | chapter eleven | chapter twelve | chapter thirteen | chapter fourteen »

gn!reader x boyfriend!san

non-idol au; fluff, little angst?

summary: with winter starting soon, it means more cold and gloomy days but what better way to spend it than snuggling with your warm and comforting boyfriend?

author's note; I'm so sorry for how late this is. I hope it reaches you.

It's the end of another week at the campus, with long lectures, little sleep and lots of coffee. You couldn't wait to get back to your dorm. Not just to see your cat or to have a moment of rest on your comfy cream coloured couch but something more. Your boyfriend San.

Walking out from the fairly warm building into the icy winter evening, you tried to think of millions of things to distract yourself from your shivering body and remembered it was movie night.

Since you started dating your boyfriend of two years, you had made it a tradition to have movie dates every Friday, regardless of whatever projects either of you had due the following week with exceptions for exam season. It was a way to bond and destress. Something you both needed to do every once in a while.

"Sannie, I'm home!" you shout from the kitchen. You hear a door open from your shared bedroom and footsteps fast approaching. "Hi baby, how was today?" he asked, not forgetting to place a small peck on your lips. "Tiring as always but lucky for me I have an amazing boyfriend to come home to." you smiled pulling him in for a lazy hug. He smelled good, he felt good, rather warm which was a large contrast to your cold figure.

"Baby, you're shivering," he pulls back from a hug to search your body in concern. "and your fingers are all puffy and frozen." he takes your hands into his to warm them up. "Wait here, I'll be right back." He hurries back to your room and after a few beats of silence, you hear water running. You can't help but smile at how caring he is and how lucky you are to be able to call him yours. Your daydream is interrupted by San calling you from the other room. "Y/N! It's ready." You scurried in a hurry to feel the warmth of a bubble bath to melt the little icicles you were sure had started to form at the tip of your toes.

"Get in quick, I'll go make the popcorn in the meantime." he smiled his million-dollar smile that made your heartbeat rapidly every single time, giving you a quick kiss before leaving the room. "San," you called out to him, stopping him dead in his tracks. "Thank you for this and just, everything." you exhale. "You're welcome my love." he says blowing you an air kiss before closing the door behind him.

The bath helped melt away everything from your stress to the frost that had formed at your fingertips. Making your way to the lounge in a warm sweater with its matching sweatpants, or as San liked to call it, "uniform" (because of how often your wore sweatpants and sweaters) you smell the popcorn. You swear the aroma must have made you float your way to the kitchen because of how fast you headed towards it. "Ah, you're back just in time. The popcorn and movie are ready, go get under the blankets." before you can even protest, he sends you out like a mom does to her child,

"Alright, popcorn is served." You clap your hands in excitement and hurry to grab the remote and press play. Just as the entering credits play, you give San a peck one last peck on the cheek. "I love you." you whisper, he turns his head to return your display of affection.

"I love you more."