Dearsoulmate - Tumblr Posts

dear soulmate • knj one shot

summary: once a year, the system assigns soulmates according to the sincerity of their submission letters. ready to have your lives completely changed, namjoon and you sign up for the program, receiving on the first week of january the highly anticipated green envelope with each other's message

rating: pg warnings: none word count: 3.614 pairing: namjoon x reader genre: romance, fluff tags: soulmate!au, strangers to lovers additional tags: idol!namjoon, soulmate!namjoon

☆ disclaimer: this is a work of fiction taken from the depths of my imagination, which takes place in an alternative universe (AU) and has no real connection with people, places or organizations. everything you will read is fictional and created by me. i do not authorize its reproduction, translation or publication, partially or entirely © mrsparknamjoon

As soon as Namjoon received your letter, it was difficult for him to control the emotion and stop his hands from shaking. He could barely pull the emerald green envelope out of the mailbox. The package itself was unmistakable and everyone knew that soulmate mail arrived in the first week of January.

Taking a deep breath twice, the boy dried his now slightly sweaty hands on his jeans and stuffed one into the metal box with the number 1902 plastered on the front. Oh, that was really exciting! Namjoon couldn’t believe his eyes. Contrasting the green paper were the golden letters in a cursive font as if someone had written with liquid gold and a quill. Okay, maybe not an actual quill, but the poor boy was finding it all very fascinating and somewhat magical.

Holding the envelope close to his chest as if it were a newborn child who demanded the utmost care and protection, Kim Namjoon, the Korean idol and leader of the most successful group in the music industry, entered the elevator and violently pressed the number 19.

As it began ascending he repeated impatiently “Up! Up! Up!” and stared at the display above the door wishing that damn elevator was faster. "Come on!!!"

Ding.

"We’re stopping? No! No stopping!” said Namjoon exasperated while still holding the envelope as tight as he could.

"Good morning, Mr. Kim!”

“Good morning, Mrs. Lee!” the boy replied with a smile on his face as soon as the neighbor entered. After two seconds the dimples disappeared and he pressed even harder the button on the panel in front of him that closed the doors.

“Ah ... special delivery, I see. I'm sorry to disturb you, dear” said the nice old lady.

Namjoon was embarrassed. "You didn't disturb me, I'm just a little anxious" he confessed.

"It's normal. Enjoy every second, it happens only once in your life” Mrs. Lee replied with a sincere smile that turned her eyes into two crescent moons. "I remember like it was yesterday when I received mine..."

Before Namjoon could ask more about Mrs. Lee's soulmate, the elevator doors opened on his floor.

“I have to go, Mrs. Lee, but I'd love to hear about it one day” he said, scratching the back of his head a bit flustered.

“It will be a pleasure, Mr. Kim” said the neighbor, waving as the doors closed once more.

Namjoon walked in a hurry to the end of the corridor, stopping in front of his apartment door. This wasn't the dorm he shared with the boys, but his own place where he spent a few days a week, when their schedule allowed, and most of his days off. It was minimalist but cozy. Several paintings and sculptures scattered throughout the rooms. It was the perfect place to disconnect from the world and relax, and it was obviously secluded and quiet enough for him to read the most important piece of paper of his life with no interruptions.

When he finally found his keys, they slipped from his hand and dropped to the floor. Poor Joon, the level of nervousness had exceeded any acceptable limit and he was beginning to wonder if he would be able to read the whole letter or if he was going to pass out while on the first line. He was glad it arrived today, when he was here, imagine if the package had been in the mailbox for weeks? That is something the boy would never have forgiven himself for.

The beginning of the year was always hectic for the group since they had several international commitments and rarely stayed in Korea, but alas, this year things were different. The comeback was scheduled for May and the press tour in the United States was in early June. Isn't it funny how the universe works sometimes?

After successfully entering his home without dropping anything else, Namjoon took off his sneakers in the foyer as fast as he could and ran to the sofa, settling himself comfortably with a pillow in his lap to support the much-desired emerald envelope. He had turned in his letter about 4 months ago and the wait became agonizing as January approached. In the last week of December, he was barely able to concentrate on the interviews and had to make an absurd amount of effort to hide what was happening. Lucky for him, the rest of the group was very understanding and helped by answering most questions.

Speaking of questions, Namjoon repeated a few in his head while looking at the envelope in front of him:

Who is my soulmate? When will we meet? Has she read my letter yet? Or worse, did she like it?

Rather than simply opening the damn package as he had imagined so vividly for many nights, Namjoon simply froze. He felt the huge responsibility fall on his shoulders with a sudden weight. New doubts began swirling in his mind.

Was it a good idea? Will I be able to do this? What if it doesn't work out? Will I spend the rest of my life alone?             

"Breathe, Joon ... just breathe" he said to himself, closing his eyes and resting his hands on top of the envelope.

After a few seconds, he felt ready to start, and with his eyes closed, he began to tear one end of the envelope calmly and precisely. When the paper strip was free and in his right hand, Namjoon opened cautiously one eye and glanced at the object in his lap as if it was a ticking bomb.

"This is ridiculous" he said, opening his other eye realizing how pathetic he probably looked right now.

The boy then proceeded to pull a stack of neatly folded papers out of the envelope where the first of them said:

Dear soulmate,

I don't really know where to start. I postponed writing this letter for a long time and I'm sorry if it’s not to your liking or doesn't help at all, but that's me. Confused with life, with my feelings... with everything. I've been working on myself a lot and I hope you are patient.

I don’t know when you will receive this letter, or better yet, the time between my writing and it finally reaching your hands. We’re not supposed to say specific dates but there are only a few days left until my 29th birthday. Are you older than me? Younger? Will you care about my age? Probably not. It doesn't matter anyway, we are destined.

I should start by saying that…

What should I say?

What’s one interesting thing about me? Let's see …

Nothing terribly unique and extraordinary. I’m not extraordinary, but I would love to live extraordinary moments. Can you help me with that? And I don’t mean big moments in terms of proportion or even romantic gestures, I’m not that ambitious, only amazing memories that cannot be replicated by anyone other than the two of us.

Is it too much to ask?

Are you up for it?

I love being alive. Yeah, you should know that, it's a big part of who I am. The only problem is that I haven't been feeling myself for the past few years and excuse me for being so upfront about it. Although many good things have happened, I feel like something is missing, something I can't quite put my finger on. It's a void within me that, on most nights, I can ignore or supply in another way. But there are times when it comes in full force and kind of disables me.

Lying in bed at night, tears come silently and blur my view. Involuntarily I start to dry them out with the back of my hand but they persist and run down my cheeks towards the pillow. I change positions, close my eyes, try to focus on my heartbeat, thinking 'hey, you're alive, it's going to be okay' but my breath hitches, the sobs build up inside me, and I can’t do anything about it other than just feel. It's an out of body experience where I find myself in pure despair and anguish. So I stay like that for hours until tiredness wins and delivers me to sleep.

Why did I tell you all this? Maybe I should erase it…

No, I’ll keep it.

You need to know what you're 'getting into'.

By the way, I want to make it very clear that I don't need to be saved from anything. Much less from myself. I don't want you to fix me. I don't expect you to bring solutions to my inner struggles. It would be great though if you gave me an opening so that I could enter your life, get to know you, learn about all your virtues and defects, share your crazy things (you must have it! Everyone does), and love you in my weird way.

And I say ‘weird’ because I don't think I express love like everyone else does. At first, I thought I wasn’t capable of love, for real. Then I realized that I was but I loved the wrong people. In the end, I had an epiphany: I had so much love inside of me that I went around giving it all out, even to those who didn't deserve it. I desperately wanted to be loved back, at any cost, by anyone really, because maybe that person was the person who would prove me wrong like: yes, I am lovable.

Today, of course, I don't need that anymore. I know that I am lovable because I love myself a lot and it’s freaking great. I love myself wholeheartedly. I have so many qualities too, by the way, but I think it would be presumptuous to quote them all here. I would like to introduce you to each of them in person for what I hope to be the rest of our lives so I can't wait to meet you.

I promise to listen to you, support you, encourage you, and always think about your mental well-being. I promise to be a real partner, whom you can really rely and count on. I probably won’t understand your past, your insecurities, or your fears but I'll give my all to make our bond stronger every day and I'll show myself worthy of your trust. I'll put myself in your shoes and fight for what you believe too. We’ll be a team!

I don't know if this letter had any effect on you but honestly, I feel better now that I finished writing it. Apparently, you've already started helping me without even knowing me. Thank you!

With gratitude, Your soulmate.

Namjoon was speechless, his lips slightly parted and totally dry, his heart beating so fast and hard that he could feel the pounding in his ears. What he just read was undoubtedly the most genuine expression of feelings, and that says a lot because he had been surrounded for the past ten years by musicians, composers, and artists, people whose work depended directly on expression. He already felt like a lucky guy because of all the people in the world his soulmate was a true good person and equally interested in embarking on this journey with him.

 -----------------------------

 January 7th, the day your life changed forever.

It was a rainy Thursday and you were lying in bed looking out your window, analyzing the droplets forming one by one on the glass, and wondering if it was too early to go down and check the mailbox. A glance at the clock on the bedside table confirmed: 5:12 was, in fact, obscenely early and the postman most likely is not even awake.

As hard as you tried it was very difficult not to think how meaningful it was to receive the green envelope because not everyone had this opportunity throughout their lives. To become fit for the process it was necessary to:

1. Be born with the mark 2. Be over 25 years old 3. Write an honest letter

Among those who were not born with the mark, the reasons varied between 'your soulmate would not incarnate in the same timeframe as you in this life', 'this was yours and your soulmate's first life together and you should meet in order to form the bond' or 'unknown reason'. The unknown reason was a problem because there weren’t many studies on the subject and people within that category tended to think it was like a punishment, but for what exactly, they didn't know and maybe never would.

Fortunately, you fit the three requirements perfectly and a few days before your 29th birthday, you gathered your courage and sent the most honest letter you could write after two and a half glasses of wine. This was an important step because letters that did not contain pure feelings were automatically discarded by the system. The selection was purely based on energy, like a magnet. Those that emanated sincerity were "attracted" and those that were not, discarded right away. It was a way for the system to keep itself free of fraud and just pair the interested, committed, and ready soulmates.

What happens to the discarded letters? Well, from what you heard about your cousin who worked at the government headquarters, the sender receives a notice with a new delivery date for the letter. In total, three chances were given. Whoever failed in all three could only have a new opportunity to find their soulmate in the next life — which is horrible for the other person, isn't it? If she or he did the process correctly it should be all right, but like any relationship, this was a two-way street and required commitment from both sides. It didn't happen very often, but it was still frustrating to receive the red envelope basically saying “next time, ‘kay?”.

It is possible to live and love another person throughout life. Finding your soulmate isn't mandatory, but most people yearned for this deep connection and one of the reasons why the system has worked so well for hundreds of years. It was unlike anything else, totally addictive!

After submitting the letter, you felt as if a weight had been lifted from you, but a twinge of concern remained in the back of your mind. How long did your soulmate wait for the envelope to be delivered? Just imagining that he could have spent more than one January waiting makes your heart sink — but you pushed those thoughts away as fast as they arrived because now was not the time for distractions!

When you finally got up at 5:50 after turning over in bed like a pancake you went straight to the bathroom and drew a bath with all the oils and essences you were entitled to. Even some candles you lit! Today would start on the right foot, yes sir.

While preparing breakfast, you hit play on your favorite playlist to set the mood properly and also keep you distracted. Checking the mailbox at ten seemed like a reasonable decision, you reflected as you set up the coffee machine, neither too early nor too late. Surely by then, the long-waited green envelope would have been pristinely placed in the box hanging at the gate of your house.

Time seemed to be moving in slow motion and there was nothing you could do to deflect your thoughts about being in imminent proximity to your soulmate. Okay, it was just a piece of paper and not actually him, but you couldn't help feeling anxious and slightly excited either way. Trying to work amid this anxiety was useless, however, something inside told you it would be okay and, for now, it was enough. 

“Focus, focus, focus!” you repeated, closing your eyes tightly.

The second the alarm on your phone rang indicating it was ten in the morning, your heart almost went out through your mouth. 

“This is it. It’s happening!” you took a deep breath, standing up in front of the sofa and, after a few seconds adjusting your hair and clothes, went to the front door, towards your future.

The distance between the door and the mailbox could not be more than 10 steps, but at that very moment, it seemed like 10 miles. Curiosity was practically excruciating, it bubbled up inside you and was about to spill out. When your hand lowered the lid, your eyes could immediately see the most beautiful shade of green that ever existed and which also perfectly symbolized the moment: new beginnings. You reached the package with your fingertips and then pulled it towards you in one swift motion, holding it in both hands, staring with teary eyes the golden letters displaying your name very brightly. Thank God the rain stopped, you wanted to keep the envelope forever and any drop of water near it would be absolutely disastrous.

Now sitting at the dining table and using a paper-knife, you carefully cut one side of the envelope and pulled a surprising amount of paper out of it. All of them are properly aligned and folded in a single stash. The first page made your heart skip a beat as it said:

Dear soulmate,

I look forward to meeting you. It's a shame we can't describe ourselves in the letters, I would love to imagine you by my side. Not that I care about physical appearance, it's not that, it's simply easier to imagine the moments we will spend together. I'm not trying to trick you, I promise!

What I do for a living is different and I am scared that you might not receive it very well. I mean... I'm afraid of what it can do to your life to the point where you'll end up resenting me in the future. The thing is: I love what I do but I would be devastated if it resulted in something negative for you.

I'm sorry, I'm anxious.

I have a bit of experience with writing and different ways of showing my feelings, but this letter is probably one of the pieces that I had the most difficulty composing. Am I allowed to say that? Anyway, please know that I'll always prioritize our communication, telling you about my day, which makes me feel good, what upsets me and how I'm feeling. I won't hide anything from you, I don't want to.

I wonder if you like to talk. I love it. Do you like to read too? I already have a list of books I want to pick your brain about. In general, I’m a pretty reserved guy, who reflects a lot about the meaning of life — is that too weird? I don’t think so. It would be too cruel for us to be predestined without having anything in common, right? I can’t wait to have intense conversations over breakfast about the most random stuff. I’m a fun person, I swear!

As I write this letter, I am sitting on the balcony of my apartment, it's night and I can see thousands of lights on the horizon giving life to the city. Are you there? Do you think of me? In the last few years I didn't have much time to think about you, I must say, but a few months ago I started to feel this emptiness inside my heart. As if something is missing. Anything nice that happened over that period of time I would get excited, of course, but it wasn't 100% genuine because there was still this voice in the back of my head telling me: more.

I decided to accept that, yes, I want more. I already have a lot and admittedly it would be very selfish of me to wish even further, but to what extent should I sacrifice myself? How long do I ignore these deep feelings? I see my friends with their soulmates and I think that's what I need — someone to fill that void. But not filling it out in terms of "if I don't have it my life is meaningless or it will end" but rather like "a deep connection like this can add and intensify life" and I love living. Don't get me wrong, I am very happy and accomplished... I just need.... someone to share it all with.

I hope you are an understanding, intelligent, and patient person. There are many things that I don't know and need to learn, but I’m always so ashamed of asking for help. Who knows? Perhaps by your side, I’ll give up my insecurities and let myself be taught? I think I'm ready! Are you?

Ah, before I forget, no matter what, you're going to have a friend in me. A true, sincere, fair, and caring confidant. And if you allow me, I'll lead both of our lives in a confident, relaxed, and stimulating way. We will walk side by side, always.

Well, that was all I had to say.

See you soon!

With love, Your soulmate.

You cried and laughed simultaneously while reading and rereading the letter at least five times. It was absurdly surreal what was going on. You felt like the center of attention for the first time in your life. You were desired. Expected. A completely new and overwhelming sensation that permeated every cell in your body. Your soulmate hasn't even touched you yet and the goosebumps on your skin are already visible. Not to mention that right off the bat he seemed adorable. The way he spoke was as if he already knew you, already understood how your mind works. Cautious, polite, and funny — that was your soulmate. What a lucky girl you are, huh?