Do You Think He Felt That Bottomless Guilt Then - Tumblr Posts

i think we should consider how devastating neil's kidnapping was for kevin. like obviously it affected all of the foxes because it was neil, who has a million secrets and is their friend and took all the hits but got back up again anyway. but do u think it clocked kevin the hardest because he knew who neil was. he knew that neil was running from a million things but he refused to run from the foxes. he stood his ground and said things he shouldn't say and is, for all intents and purposes, a miracle. do u think kevin managed to convince himself that neil was the exception? he talked shit about the moriyamas without fear or thought of consequences, he gave himself up to the ravens for andrew and the foxes and came back alive and refused to sign the papers despite all the torture and abuse. he wears riko's tattoo but refuses to be owned by him. he bitches at the press and doesn't back down, doesn't apologise, even when he probably should. kevin told him to run but he didn't, he stood his ground and maybe, somewhere along the way, he managed to convince kevin that he really was indomitable. that even two weeks at evermore, all his father's people on his trail, the pressure of being a star athlete, couldn't break him. and even though kevin knew this was coming, that neil couldn't be neil josten forever, he still allowed himself to consider the possibility, that maybe neil would make it out alive. that maybe neil wouldn't stop fighting and he'd claw his way out of this shitty situation alive, with the foxes finally coming out on top. because even though neil is messy and mouthy and bitchy, despite it all, he gave kevin hope for the first time in maybe his entire life. kevin has spent his ENTIRE life abused and treated like a possession at evermore, he thinks he'll never escape, even when he's at palmetto. but neil, neil is so determined not be owned, so determined that even if he dies, he's going to die free, die happy. kevin thinks it's crazy that neil josten, someone who isn't even real, is the one who's giving the foxes hope. who's giving him hope. who's bringing the team together, who's actually getting through to andrew, who's fierce in the face of even the worst monsters that kevin knows, who would rather die than be false to himself. and kevin can't help but hope that neil will get them out alive. that maybe, despite everything, neil is their key to winning championships, and he can finally escape riko, escape tetsuji, escape the ravens. it's not just neil's skill, it's that neil doesn't back down, and neil is bringing the team together, and it actually looks like they have a chance, for once. and then neil's just...gone. and kevin knew this was coming but he thought maybe neil would be the exception. maybe neil would actually escape. but neil's gone, his father's people finally caught up with him, and neil, who is still alive despite his sharp tongue and bloodied childhood, will finally be broken. and there goes kevin's dreams of winning, there goes kevin's dreams of escaping his past, taken with neil. do you think that's when kevin really lost hope? when neil was taken from them, all of the careful, wistful dreams and hopes that he'd built up the past months were gone, just like that. i think we should talk about this more.