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death by chapstick. your husband, an idiot one, might've taken a bite out of your raspberry-flavored chapstick and regretted it.

pairings. husband!atsumu x gn!reader

warnings. fluff , crack , i actually giggled while making this , 119 is just the japanese version of 911

"Will I die if I ate your chapstick?"

"I don't know, maybe we can…." you paused, your mind digesting his words, "wait, atsumu… what?"

You were both were discussing how you could assist Osamu in moving his strawberry garden into his new apartment; so how the hell did this conversation end up transitioning into death by chapstick?

"More specifically your raspberry-flavored one — would I die if I ate that one?"

"Atsumu, what the fuck?" You sat up straight in bed, turning on the lamp so he could see your bewilderment. "Did you eat my chapstick?"

Atsumu sat up as well, sweating profusely as he spoke quickly, "we have more pressing issues to handle, babe, because your husband could drop dead at any moment."

Suddenly, he had you worried and stressed out, "Atsumu, I don't know if it's — why are you eating my chapstick!?"

Your phone was ripped from its charger, leaving you uncertain of whether to use the remaining five percent on calling one-one-nine to inform that your idiot husband is dying from chapstick poisoning or search the internet to see if your raspberry-flavored chapstick, the exact one that he ate, was dangerous.

"I like how it tastes on you!" He blurted, "you were gone for a long time today and I missed your taste — but listen, if it is poisonous, why would they want you to apply it to your lips if you would taste it constantly?"

Tears swelled in your eyes from concern, "It's not meant to be eaten like a fuck— like a fucking cheese stick, Atsumu! And you're now just telling me?!"

You decided that you would use your last five percent to read the top search to find out if chapstick is safe to consume if eaten.

When sufficient amounts are swallowed, they may experience a minor upset stomach or loose stool. If your child is found with chapstick, do not panic. The tube should be removed, the mouth should be wiped with a soft, wet cloth, and water should be given to the child.

You married a fucking reincarnation of a dodo bird.

"Good news, you're not dying, just going to have an upset stomach," you growled, upset that he made you worry over nothing, "but your dead to me."

Atsumu placed his hand on his heart and threw his head up against the wall, "oh my god… oh my god that's so relieving."

Laying down with your back turned to him, you plugged your phone into its charger and turned off the lamp.

He chuckles, "I'm so sorry hun, I didn't mean to scare you—"

"Blah, blah, blah, I can't hear you because a dead man can't speak."

"Baby, is this how you treat me after a life-or-death experience?"

"You're an idiot, Atsumu — who the hell eats chapstick?"

He frowns as embarrassment sets in. "I didn't eat it, I took a nibble out of it. I said that you were gone for a long time today and I missed your flavor. I tried putting some on my lips, but that wasn’t enough."

"You're an absolute freak, should've just married your brother when I had the chance."

"Should've! Because now you're stuck with me, you even said it yourself!" He laughs, "you said, I, Y/N L/N — now Y/N Miya — take you, Miya Atsumu, as my lawful wedded husband—"

"— Yeah, yeah, I remember—"

"—to have and to hold from this day forward…"

You rolled your eyes and smiled to yourself. He's such a dork.

"For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health," he emphasizes, "until death do us part. But you're still stuck with me even after that."

He reaches over to kiss you on your cheek and flips you over so that you're facing him, "I love ya so much."