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🪐 — IZZY HANDS  for  stede​  !

There was too much going through his mind right now. Stede was making too much sense and be fucking hated that. Fucking hated that Stede Fucking Bonnet was right. Hell truly had frozen over hadn’t it? The mutual desire to get Edward back was a problem all in itself. Of course Izzy wanted to find his friend. Of course he wanted him back on ship and to make sure he was alright. Yet Blackbeard had made it very clear to Izzy that he was not to come look for him. Would this flagrant disobedience be met with understanding if Stede was there or would the man make good on his threat? Would he disobey his current captain by not helping Stede? Was there any solution to this where he wasn’t disobeying someone?

Izzy felt stressed and anxious about this whole thing. He was, at a core, a follower and someone who needed to do a good job. Someone who needed to feel needed. There was no neat fix to this situation was there? What he did know is it was worth whatever consequence might befall on him if it meant Edward was found and was okay. And Bonnet was right. Izzy did know Edward more than anyone else. At least he did. The Kraken was — something else. The combined legend they’d created together over the years come to life in all its ferocity.

“You really fucked with his head, you know?” Izzy returned coolly, tugging at his shirt sleeve to pull it down more, cover himself up like he was wearing armor. “He was — he changed after you left. He got — he got low. He wouldn’t leave his room and when he did he was weirdly — he was in denial. Fuck if I know. You broke his fucking heart,” he snapped before swallowing and looking down guiltily. The first mate’s voice got a little quieter.

“But — I — I think I did too…” he admitted for the first time aloud. As much as he thought he wanted Blackbeard back, Izzy had come to understand he had been wrong. Ed had given him exactly what he thought he wanted but it wasn’t the man he’d grown to care for. He was scary. Not in a good way. “I — I told him..” Izzy looked up at Stede across the room, wondering if the man would change his mind. Banish him from the ship. Yell at him. Yeah. That might actually be comforting. He deserved it. “I told him that I should have let the English kill him — that the person he’d become — the depressed cheery sap trying to pretend everything was fine was a fate worse than death. He — He — I fucked up. He’s not either of the Edward’s we know now…” Izzy had dropped his head into his hands in frustration with himself, fingers curling tightly into gray hair. “I really hurt him — and I regret every word I said. You have to believe me, Bonnet. I was wrong. About so much. About you. — I’m scared to see him again. If I go against him like this — I don’t think I’ll make it out it this time,” he admitted nervously.

       THERE IS AN EDGE TO IZZY’S WORDS,  an honestly that cuts every but as sharp as his sword had.  you really fucked with his head. you broke his fucking heart.  &  stede had known as much  — on some level, he had known.  but it’s still painful to hear it spoken so plainly.  &  perhaps once he would recoil from the venom in his words, but stede forces himself to stand tall, unflinching, as a captain should.  &  then izzy’s voice changes as his head falls, tone drops until it is soft  &  uncertain  &  entirely different than it had been only a moment before.                                    &  stede cannot keep the surprise from his face at the first mate actually admitting he had been wrong, his brows flying upward toward his golden hairline in shock.  izzy didn’t seem the type who would be eager to face his own mistakes, but stede realizes as he looks at the man that he barely knows him, in truth.  so perhaps he was wrong about izzy, too.  &  he frowns then, pondering over izzy’s words, his gaze dropping to the man’s mangled foot clad in bandages.           there is a long moment of silence as stede considers the other man with a curious gaze, but when he speaks again his voice is just as steady as it had been before.  ❝ we will both have plenty to apologize for once we find him.  he is owed that much.  from both of us. ❞  something that mary had said to stede echoed in his head suddenly, the image of her with a skewer hovering just above his temple seared into his memory.  we just can’t seem to stop hurting each other,  she had said.  for them, separation had been the only way to stop the pain.  they had both wanted different things.  but the crucial difference between the two relationships was that izzy still wanted his captain, still sought to follow his orders.  that much was achingly obvious  —  his mere continued presence aboard the ship was proof enough of it.  &  stede knew what he wanted now, too, late though his realization might have been.  the only question was whether edward still wanted either of them back.  but they would not know that until they found him.  ❝ whether he chooses to accept or not  —  yours or mine  —  is his decision alone, no matter who he may be.  it’s a risk that i am prepared to take.  if you are not, then you’re free to depart. ❞                                  &  yet, izzy’s final warning does stick, sends a tremor of fear up stede’s spine.  it was true that edward had left the majority of his crew on that tiny spit of land to die.  they only been rescued by sheer chance when he had happened upon them in his stolen rowboat.  &  while jim had been aboard the revenge when they returned, there was still a noticeable absence aboard the ship that stede had been too frightened to ask about until now.  though it occurred to him suddenly that if anyone would know what had happened to the young scribe, it would likely be izzy.  ❝ but if that is what you should decide, there is one more thing i must ask of you before you go :  where is lucius ? ❞