I Feel Like I'm In My Flop Era Even Tho I Know I'm Not - Tumblr Posts

it's okay.

group: stray kids !

pairing: nonidol!hyunjin x f!reader

genre: angst, hurt/comfort

warnings + additional info: reader is referred to as y/n, insecurities, usage of grounding methods, beginning of an anxiety attack, hyunjin tries his best, y/n has image issues, hyunjin comforts her, y/n is a chronic overthinker, they both struggle with communication, kind of sappy.

authors note: happy bday hyunjin… oops :3 this is also not proofread. english is not my first language, so please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors. happy reading :)

wc: 1963

the tears run down your face like two turbid rivers, your mascara running down with them. the lightning-like streaks do nothing to ease your pain, as you stare into the mirror and look at yourself. 

normally, others would be admiring themselves in a place like this, all dolled up with a pretty dress on, but it’s not the same for you. you’re not marveling at yourself, no, you’re disgusted. 

the more you look, the more flaws you find. your eyes don’t look the same anymore, they’re tired and red. your nose is crooked, it looks weird from the front. your lips are chapped and bitten, your lipstick looks weird on it now. your face is chubby and swollen, and you blame it all on yourself.

this should be easy to handle. everyone goes through these rough patches, so why can’t you handle it? why is it so hard to be alone now, when you‘ve been independent all your life?

maybe you’ve gotten too attached to him, or maybe it’s the way he makes you feel. you’re not sure you believe a single thing he says about you when he admires you, but it’s enough to melt away all of the voices in your head telling you that you’re not enough. 

you quickly unzip the dress, climbing out of the itchy fabric. it hardly fits you anymore, another flaw you’ve found. you slip on your silk pajamas, the ones hyunjin bought you. they used to make you feel slim and beautiful.

you’re not sure you like them much anymore.

you wash your face, trying your best to remove the eyeshadow stains. your makeup has long expired, it’s been a while since the last time you’ve even tried to look pretty. the pink hues don’t come off your face though, so you choose to leave them there, instead drying your face and tying up your hair.

you open the door finally, only to see hyunjin already in bed. he’s scrolling through his phone, smiling at something, but you don’t question it. you wouldn’t be surprised if it was someone else, he’s probably bored of you by now anyways.

you slowly climb into bed, careful not to bother him too much, but quickly face away from him. 

he doesn’t seem to notice.

you start feeling self conscious. he always helps you. he always pulls you out of his headspace. he always knows what’s wrong.

why doesn’t he know something’s wrong?

are you acting different? are you too much for him? does he not care anymore? did he really get bored of you?

why doesn’t he know something’s wrong?

you stay facing the window, afraid of what he could say if he saw your condition right now. you hear him put down his phone onto the nightstand, and he finally turns towards your back. maybe he’ll realize that something’s wrong now.

but he doesn’t.

you feel a chill go down your spine as you feel his breath brush your neck, but you don’t dare turn around. you feel another tear slipping from your eye, and quickly wipe it away. your nose is stuffy, but you can’t make a sound.

he’ll hear you.

you can feel him inching closer towards you, and then you finally feel his cold fingertips on your neck. his heartbeat drums lightly against your back, comforting you a bit. that is of course, until you lose your focus and accidentally sniffle too loudly.

“baby?”

you can’t bring yourself to turn around. “baby, are you crying?”

you shake your head, “no, my nose is just stuffy”.

“will you turn around for me, love?”

you know you can’t listen to him, it’ll only make everything worse, but you still bring yourself to turn around. the look on his face once he sees your bloodshot eyes has your heart twisting and turning inside your chest.

“i’m sorry hyune…”

he slowly reaches a hand up to touch your face, but you move away. you wish he could just read your mind.

he takes a quick mental note to ask next time before touching you. “what’s wrong dear?”

“nothings wrong, i’m okay hyunjin”

he lets out a soft sigh and closes his eyes, contemplating what to say next. meanwhile, the tears have started to flow nonstop. the ache in your chest has only gotten worse.

maybe you’re really too much for him now…

before you let you thoughts ruin you again, hyunjin’s voice snaps you out of it. “is it okay if i come a little closer sweetheart?”

you can only bring yourself to nod as he scoots himself towards you. he’s still careful to keep a small space between you two, too afraid to push any boundaries. 

“can i hold your hand?”, his voice is shaking, scared he’s done something to hurt you. 

“yeah…”, he reaches down under the blanket, grabbing your hands and bringing them up to his lips. they feel soft, like you’ve always remembered them. it’s been a while since you’ve felt them on your hands like this.

carefully, he plants small kisses on your knuckles. your breath gets caught in your throat every time he looks up at you with those teary eyes. “what’s got my pretty girl so upset?”

the sentence alone is enough to force the tears out of you freely, and you can’t stop yourself from falling apart. 

“can i hold you, y/n?”

you nod, moving closer towards him and hugging him around the waist. the second you two make contact, he quickly pulls you closer and carefully lowers your head onto his shoulder.

“i’m here, okay? what’s wrong my love?”

you cry even louder now, your body shaking with your sobs. you try to get some words out, but only soft whimpers can be heard throughout the room. “calm down, you’re okay…”

“i… i c-can’t—“, your breaths become heavily labored, but hyunjin quickly catches on. you trust him with your heart, he always knows what to do.

he runs his fingers through your hair slowly, careful not to startle you. “can you breathe with me darling?”

you nod, taking a deep breath. you can feel him shudder against you, and it only causes you to cling on tighter. his warm breath hits your neck, and it sends shivers down your spine. 

“just a couple more, hm?”

“o-okay…”

his heartbeat is the only thing you can hear aside from your sniffles. it’s grounding, in a sense. before you can catch yourself, he tilts your head up so that you’re looking right at him.

“hey pretty girl… are you with me?”

you shake your head. “don’t call me that.”

he smiles, pushing the hair out of your face so that he can get a proper look at you. “no? you’re not my pretty girl?”

“n-no… hyune… not pretty.”, you sob. his expression shifts almost instantly, as he stares at you with a dumbfounded expression. “where is this coming from?”

“hyunjin… i’ve never been pretty.”

“says who?”, his voice begins to get a little heavier with every word, and you can see his face slowly getting redder in the darkness.

“no one said anything… just please don’t be mad at me…”

“i could never be mad at you over that, hm? what’s wrong lovey?”, he smiles, regardless of the pain he feels in his chest. it’s something he’s always done for you, he hates leaving you to rot in your own thoughts.

“i look… different. i know it’s been a while since we went on a date but… i don’t look good anymore, even with makeup on. my dresses hardly fit me and i’ve just been gaining so much weight and im ugly… im so—“

before you can get the apology out, he quickly shuts you up with a kiss. you want to pull away, you know he doesn’t deserve to be with someone like you, but you can’t help it. he kisses you so softly, as if you’re the most fragile thing in the world. his now warm hands cup your face and his thumbs stroke your cheeks. it’s like he’s pouring his entire heart out with one action.

he finally pulls away from you, but stays close, your noses still touching. “don’t say that… please. you are my pretty girl, and you mean a lot to me. it’s not just about your looks, you know”

“you don’t always have to baby me, you know…”, you whisper.

you hear his breath hitch in his throat, but he decides on not saying anything, instead pulling away slowly to give you space. “tell me what you need, i want to help. you know you’re the only one for me, right?”

“i’m not sure. sometimes i don’t feel appreciated enough. i know you already do a lot for me, but sometimes i just want to be told that i’m loved directly…”

he smiles at you again, but you can see the pain in his eyes. you knew he would never take these things lightly, but it makes you want to take every single thing that you’ve said back.

“i love you. i mean it. i wish i would have said it more, and i want you to love yourself too. please don’t set standards for yourself just because of me…”

this time around, you grab his hand, and move closer to wrap your arms around his torso. “don’t beat yourself up about it. i know you do. it’s just my stupid overthinking.”

“don’t call it stupid, my love. i understand. but i do think you’re beautiful. i love your personality more than anything, and i can’t imagine myself with anyone other than you. do you understand that? i may deserve better, but i want you”. he sniffles lightly, too scared to let you see him in such a weak place.

“it’s okay to cry, hyunjin.”

and so he does. he cries and cries and holds onto you like you’re his lifeline. you can hear the small apologies slip past his lips as he whimpers into your chest.

you’ve never seen him like this. it’s never been this bad. you’re starting to wonder if it was you who broke him like this…

“we can work on all this, okay? would you like that, y/n?”

you nod in response, but you can’t help the last question from slipping out. “do you still care about me the way you used to?”. you don’t realize that you’ve even said it until he lifts his head up to look at you. slowly pushing himself off of you, he clears his throat.

“my feelings for you haven’t changed, but the way that i express them has. i’ll try to be better with these things, y/n. i promise.”

before you can tell him that it’s okay, he turns around and faces the window, opposite from you. you don’t want to bother him anymore tonight, and you figure you’ll talk about this the next morning, so you leave him be.

you turn around to face the wall instead of his back. it feels weird sleeping like this. it feels weird to not feel his warmth against you.

sleep doesn’t find you for a while. maybe it’s because hyunjin isn’t holding you this time. that is, of course, until you feel him turn around and hug you from behind.

his hands fix themselves around your waist, and you reach your hands down to hold his. you need to understand that this is just as hard for him too. “angel?”

“mmm?”, you mumble tiredly. “can we talk about this tomorrow?”

“of course, whenever you’d like, hyunjin.”

he kisses over your neck in response, eliciting small giggles from you. they make his heart flutter again, something he hasn’t felt properly in a long time. “tickles…”, you smile.

“y/n?”

“yes?”

“i love you.”