-i Have Legitimate Trauma That Backs My Fears Up And Every Time Someone Is Even Slightly Critical Towards Me My Brain Just Goes- - Tumblr Posts

sorry this seems like a random thing to post but it has been bugging me for a little bit now and i want to post it and by a little bit i mean the entire time i've been on this website as for the reason i have social anxiety: i went to a really terrible high school full of dangerous people- -who were literally like. the worst most bigoted people ever. not everyone there was bad of course but 90% of them were- -and that stunted by social development by 5-6 years and now every time someone talks to me i feel like i'm about to get murdered also primary school was. bad. the other kids could sniff out the autism in me and didn't like me for it this post isn't directed towards anyone specifically but also it kinda is because there's a DM from someone- -that i haven't responded to in literally 8 months and every time i think about it i get anxious i'm sorry!!! i'm not trying to ignore you on purpose and i want to say something but my brain literally will not let me out of fear :( i'm not used to getting talked to directly so every time i do my entire nervous system starts screaming and running in circles it's kinda ridiculous because it's like. come on. why are you having a panic attack over a message on tumblr it's LITERALLY just words on- -a screen what are you freaking out about. but also it's like hhhhh unfamiliar social situation scary. help. unrelated to that but i am very worried about what people will think of me and like i know i really shouldn't worry about that- -because i can't control what other people think of me and it really shouldn't be any of my or their business. but also- -i have legitimate trauma that backs my fears up and every time someone is even slightly critical towards me my brain just goes- -''see? it happened again i TOLD you it would happen again. idiot. you shouldn't have said anything'' and then i hide and cry and lay in bed thinking about how i'm going to die until i suddenly snap out of it and think- -''wait hang on why should i care. i love being a weirdo on the internet why should i let my anxieties stop me'' and then it happens AGAIN and it's just a viscous cycle at that point be silly on the internet -> detect slight criticism -> think everyone hates you again -> go back on your bullshit after 3 days of crying and it makes sense because that exact same pattern happened to me countless times as a child. be silly in school -> get made fun of for it -> get hated for it -> rinse and repeat until you think everyone is dangerous and they hate yo if i could put it in a metaphor it would be like me being a little rabbit who thinks everyone is a scary wolf because of their big shadows- -even though they're all also rabbits and i'm just paying attention to the scariest parts of them because i only know what wolves look like trauma does fucked up things to your psyche lemmie tell you social anxiety anxiety disorder i'm literally the ''too scared to order food'' stereotype except it's not a stereotype because it's real and every time i look at the 7/11- -at my campus i go ''hm but what if they hate me for the food i buy there'' even though they're LITERALLY SELLING IT what is WRONG with me anyway um. social anxiety sucks and i don't mean to not reply ro everyone who talks to me i am sorr y