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DAECHWITA: Chapter 8
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“You do realize we have the means to fake our deaths, right?”
Chapter 8: Burn It (Till It's All Gone)
📜6.9K words | Approx. 30-min. read 🚨Please see the series masterlist for general warnings: Scheming continues, themes of revenge, negligence, and resentment. 📻Accompanying soundtrack 💭Reblogs & comments are always appreciated and please keep in mind they are the ultimate motivation fuel. 🍮Like my content? Consider supporting my work with a pudding!
It had been years.
The boys had reached the peak of their puberty once they started high school. Their extraordinary normal routine continued—civilian cosplay with their shadow parents during the weekdays, mask off in the palace on the weekends. They were growing up. They were growing up so well into such fine young men, and there was still no word from James.
Of course Hyejin would have loved to show him his son’s first steps. The day he said his first word. Maybe he would have even been understanding that Chris had a sibling albeit from someone else, but they were still brothers. They were wreaking havoc together just like he said they would.
It was a lot of could have beens but it was okay nevertheless. Hyejin had put a deadbolt on her heart and hid it away in some dusty chest. If her other half was alive and well somewhere, maybe their paths would cross again. Maybe one day she could indeed set out to find him like she told him. Maybe he was really waiting for her as he promised.
Maybe they could be together again in another lifetime.
“I’m afraid young master Christopher has got his heart stolen, your highness.”
Every time Mina visited her chambers to do her usual reporting on her boys, that was the one thing Hyejin had always dreaded to hear. She knew whatever Chris thought was feeling was temporary. Nothing could compare to that very special someone, and no matter how much she wanted to sit him down to talk to him about it, she knew it was going to be in vain. He would maybe listen just to be polite and squeeze a couple of ‘You’re right’s here and there, but she knew all her words were going to evaporate as she was saying them.
Kids. They only ever said a heartfelt ‘You’re right’ once they experienced that horrible pain firsthand.
“Who is it?”
“A young lady by the name of Elizabeth. They make music together.”
“Does he know that you know?”
“I don’t think so.”
Ah, of course. It made sense why he felt like he had already met the one. Chris could have argued this Elizabeth girl was his first love all he wanted, but Hyejin knew for a fact that it wasn’t. It was music. And bonding solely over a mutual interest did not a soulmate make. If only he knew. If only he knew Minhyuk and Jun’s little girl was his doppelganger from the opposite realm. If only he knew he would combust in admiration if he saw what she was capable of doing with music. If only he knew they were both equally headstrong, bled passion, and in search of the same degree of normal. They spoke the exact same language and were just perfect for each other.
“I also think you should know that the young masters are thinking of leaving the country after graduation, your highness.”
“They– They what?”
Sheer panic. Her boys were going to leave? But there was no reason to leave. They could be happy here. There was no one chasing after them. There was no one threatening to hurt them. How was she going to be able to protect them from afar? How could she just sit there and watch herself be gradually erased from their lives? No. No. Just no.
“Their acceptance letters from Juilliard have arrived this Wednesday,” Mina continued solemnly, “Young master Christopher will be studying composition while young master Hyunjin will be studying dance.”
“You were supposed to tell me this while they were scheming a future, Mina.”
“I wasn’t aware of their plans until the mail arrived, your highness. I wholeheartedly apologize.”
Hyejin got mad at herself for lashing out at Mina like that. The woman did everything she possibly could to be by her side for years—even became a second mother to her sons. It wasn’t her fault that there were some things the boys were able to hide despite all the hidden eyes watching over them because why wouldn’t there be?
Kids. They always found a way to outsmart their parents one way or another. That being said, Hyejin could rely on her boy to make one mistake for he was carrying all the symptoms of being driven by emotion.
“Are they going to attend their senior dance?”
“Yes, your highness.”
“Tell Chris some sob story about the fleeting youth. I don’t care what it is,” she spoke to her aide resolutely, “Make sure he feels compelled to confess to this girl that night. I want Jiyong to watch him from afar and bring them both home.”
“Your highness…”
“Do as I say, Mina,” she firmly ordered, more like a queen rather than a mother.
“I’ll tell her I love her tonight.”
Right when they stepped foot into their school’s gym, these were the words Chris spoke to his brother while his eyes scanned the whole place to find his person of interest. Immediate panic flared in Hyunjin’s guts.
“Don’t do it tonight,” he countered with composure which was the complete opposite of the ruckus that broke out inside him, “Wait just a little longer. We’re almost there.”
“I know how Jiwon is looking at her. I have to do something before he does.”
“Then do it on our fucking graduation!”
“Who knows where she’ll be in a month if she doesn’t know!”
Goddammit, Chris!
Why? Why was he always this headstrong? Didn’t Chris insist on applying to Juilliard just because Liz was going to be in New York, too? They could fucking book same-day tickets and he could confess his love at the goddamn airport while he was at it. Why now?
Why… now?
Why risk ruining Hyunjin’s plans, too?
He made it seem like it didn’t really matter to him where he would go to school as long as he could study dance, but Hyunjin had a secret buried ten feet under his soul. A secret he couldn’t even tell his brother about.
A girl.
Marilyn. The complete opposite of the icon that popped into everyone’s head. By herself mostly. Most people would say she had ginger hair, but Hyunjin saw fire there.
The first time he saw her was during home economics class. They were randomly paired and she taught him how to glaze a cake. She didn’t talk much—in fact, she spoke to him so rarely that Hyunjin knew every sentence she had uttered by heart.
“This is nothing compared to what I will learn at the Culinary Institute of New York.”
New York. She was going to go to New York.
During lunch breaks, she would pick up her Moleskine notebook and sit down under the cherry blossom tree, writing and writing god knows what. Maybe stories, maybe diary entries, maybe recipes she was making up in her head. She watched the sky a lot. Every time she noticed the contrails of a passing plane highlighted by the sun like a golden magic marker, it made her smile. Hyunjin had no idea why he was so drawn to her.
He didn’t talk to her either. Whenever he noticed she was walking towards the tree, he would jump from his seat and run after her just to slow down to give the impression that he was casually making his way there. He would go sit under the tree with her and write little poems on his own. Sometimes they would lie down side by side in silence and watch the sky together. They would smile at each other sometimes, but that was it.
Hyunjin was going to say hi to her the second he received his diploma. He was going to invite her somewhere quiet and ask her about what she was writing all this time. Whether her lines mentioned him at all. When she was leaving and whether she wanted to see the Empire State with him. He wanted to gift her a lifetime supply of Moleskine notebooks. He wanted to hold hands with her, have his first kiss with her, and when the time was right, ask her permission to become one with her. Clumsily make love to her, explore his body with her, write poems inspired by her fiery hair for her, recite it for her, and make love to her again. He wanted to surrender to her.
All in due time. When he was finally free.
“Do you have any idea what your foolishness could have cost us?”
If only Chris wasn’t that stubborn. If only he could hold himself back for two more seconds. If only he wasn’t the reason why Hyunjin was filled to the brim with an insufferable grudge for he took away the one thing he wanted for the longest time. To be happy. And be free.
It broke Hyejin’s heart to a million pieces to do that, too, but one day…
Hopefully one day they would understand why she wasn’t ready to let them go.
As much as Minhyuk was excited on your behalf that you were about to take your first steps into young adulthood, he was also aware of the frequent meltdowns you were having over choosing schools. He decided he wouldn’t say anything until you received all the responses for your applications when in fact he knew they were all going to be acceptances. All the more reason for you to flip.
While going through the mail that particular morning, when he saw the letter from The Royal Academy, he heaved an exasperated sigh.
“Hyejin, I swear to fucking god…”
Yes, she wasn’t even trying to be subtle doing everything in her power to make you and Chris cross paths, but this once he didn’t have an excuse to outright refuse. It was your education in question, and more importantly, it was you who made the choice to apply there. But he’d be damned if he didn’t have a little confrontation with her about her matchmaking obsession.
“You are aware we’re not royal descendants, right?”
“Who cares?”
“What do you mean ‘Who cares’?” Minhyuk threw his hands in the air, “Weren’t you the one forbidding your sons from having relations with non-royal folk because of, what was it, their obligation to your ancestors? How are you going to be able to explain yourself?”
“You think I don’t know the only royal people the boys are able to encounter are themselves?”
Jesus fucking christ very much.
You may not have been royalty, but if it ever came to that, nobody could refute how special you were. How strong and determined you were. That trumped being royalty. You were the only exception to the rule she self-imposed to serve her not-so-ulterior motives.
“You know we offer the best education she could ever receive, Minhyuk,” Hyejin offered a solid argument, “I know you think I’m being delusional and whatnot, but please do not deter her if she wants to make a favorable decision.”
He was thinking. A part of him wanted to intervene, but the sane part of him wanted to let you do whatever you wanted with your life. He knew you weren’t able to experience an average childhood as it was, and he would feel horrible if you resented him for a choice he made for you. He had made enough decisions on your behalf already.
“You know how indebted I am to you and Jun,” Hyejin touched her friend’s arm before leaving, “Please keep this in mind too while you’re judging me.”
I want her to be as graceful as a queen.
Hyejin couldn’t give a damn about how intact one’s manners were—it most certainly didn’t define the worth of a person, but Jun’s last words had been haunting her for years. Minhyuk was so adamant about his principles that if she told him ‘I will be giving etiquette classes to your daughter’ he would remarkably lose his mind thinking it was an attempt to make you more feminine. It had nothing to do with it. Selfish maybe, delusional even, but the voices in her head kept telling her that she would stop waking up in cold sweat in the middle of the night, that she would stop dreaming about Jun and wilting forget-me-nots when you stepped foot on these grounds. That Jun would stop questioning her every single night.
You promised. You know they belong together. What’s taking so long?
But everything needed a proper disguise. She indeed had to play one teeny tiny mind trick with you to put her grand plan in motion.
When she extended you an offer, Hyejin absolutely despised herself for even pretending she would do anything to harm Minhyuk or his beloved dojo. She just took advantage of the bond you had with your father, fully aware you wouldn’t do anything to put him in danger. Bluffing to that extent was a huge leap of faith maybe, but you took the bait. That was what mattered at the end of the day.
The only way Minhyuk was not going to object to this deal was to make it a mutual agreement. His gigantic pride was always in the way of him asking for or receiving any kind of help—there was absolutely no way he would accept it if Hyejin insisted she wanted to take on the responsibility of your education. Yes, she had other items on her agenda, as well, but your future was genuinely among the top of her priorities to even begin to make it up to your parents for what they had done for her.
Therefore, it wasn’t a complete lie when she posed the condition of you serving The Royal Family in an instructional capacity. She knew about Minhyuk training you for years. She knew this was the perfect opportunity to assign you as an assistant to the Military Arts program that just happened to be Chris’ major.
But more importantly, this put the parties on equal grounds: you were going to receive something by offering something in return, effectively eliminating the concept of ‘charity’ from Minhyuk’s mind. As far as she was concerned, this was a fair trade.
Then came the more tricky part.
The only reason Hyejin wanted to move you to the guesthouse was to give you privacy so that you wouldn’t feel like you were being watched like she actually was for years. On the other hand, the knowledge of Hyunjin building an entire playground there made her anxious to no end. She couldn’t let it be known to her younger son that she was very much aware of what he was up to, but she was also worried that Hyunjin was not going to let you be. You were a bit too fascinating to stay away from.
Please. He’s going to relentlessly tempt you. Charm you. Make you feel like you’re the only thing that matters to him, but it’s not true. He’s not the one for you. Resist him. Please.
It was nothing more than wishful thinking of course. Somewhere along the way, something she couldn’t quite figure out had happened to her sunshine. He used to be a boy that appreciated the small beauties life had to offer. He used to chase butterflies. He used to have such a delicate soul. Then all of a sudden he had turned into this insatiable demon that was eerily reminiscent of some late tyrant. It wasn’t long before she heard the message on the wind about you and Hyunjin.
What have you done, sunshine? Why are you throwing tantrums this time?
She was indeed disappointed, but this wasn’t your fault. Not one bit. Hyunjin was his father’s son, and that ugly truth was bound to resurface at some point.
On one particularly deep, dark night, Hyejin had enough of the commotion going on inside her head and ran down the dimly lit corridors leading to The Zen Room. Barefoot. With only her nightgown on, her hair flowing past her waist looking like a charcoal stream rushing down her back. She walked into the room, panting, looking at the scripts she decorated the walls with, and thought about Minhyuk. Then she slowly made her way to the interior garden and caressed the jasmines and forget-me-nots she planted there with tears running down her face unbeknownst to her. She thought about Jun. She thought about James. She thought about Chris, about you, and that was when she started to doubt her own sanity.
Had she been clinging onto the ghost of something all this time? Did she read a little too much into it maybe? Was she indeed trying to force fate into something she just wished to see?
She knew her treasure was falling for you. She could swear you felt the same way too, but why didn’t it happen already? Did she miscalculate something in this formula for happiness that didn’t really exist? Did she spectacularly fail to read between the lines?
“One sign,” she whispered to the delicate flowers, “All I need is one sign for better or worse. Then I promise I’ll let it go.”
The sign Hyejin had asked for had appeared in the form of her own son basically confessing his feelings for you, immediately prompting her to think about one last scheme.
“Is it the young lady from your prom night?”
“No.”
“Is it one of your current classmates?”
“No.”
Say yes. Please say yes to this.
“Is it perhaps our guest that’s currently residing with us?”
“Mother, please, drop it!!!”
Anybody in their right mind would try to come up with enabling scenarios, but knowing her own son, Hyejin found inspiration someplace else.
Apples.
One time when Chris was little, he became so sick that he was strictly ordered to consume fluids, yet all he kept yelling about was his beloved bunny apples. Just once. He was getting better already so once wouldn’t hurt. Could he pretty please get just one piece with a cherry on top?
“Doctor’s orders, Chrissy. I’ll bring you your apples when they say you can eat them, okay?”
He couldn’t even last one day. Chris sneaked into the kitchen after his mom fell asleep just so he could sink his teeth into a yellow apple, and alerted the entire floor with the ruckus he caused in the meantime.
“Baby, why are you being so stubborn? You can’t eat them yet!”
Why the goddamn apples? Should she have been worried? Was this an indication of something lacking in his body? Or did he just simply have a sweet tooth?
“But they comfort me,” her boy had told her with his huge guilty eyes.
You and Chris were a little too alike, and she hoped from the bottom of her heart that it also held true when it came to a certain disregard for the rules. Especially if it included taking away something you really really wanted to have.
You are not to see him again after that and you will not divulge this information to him.
Once upon a time, a king wasn’t able to stop her from falling crazily in love with a man. This was just a test to confirm her hypothesis that not even a queen could come between you two, not that she had any intention to.
Anything you can do, I can do better.
Sibling rivalry was such a commonplace thing. You went through it even if you were two kids in line for the throne, or going to school hand in hand pretending to be civilians. It could be due to many reasons—because you wanted to be liked better; because you wanted to establish dominance over the other; because some friendly competition could be a motivation to do more, achieve more. If one kept losing to the other, on the other hand, it could turn into something ugly.
Jealousy. Resentment. Grudge.
Chris and Hyunjin did not really have the said rivalry between them per se. Every time one of them fell, the other was there. Covered up for each other whenever they could because they had each other and they would never leave one another. That was the one thing carved into their minds as they were growing up.
I love you both just the same.
Yeah right.
For some inexplicable reason, deep down Hyunjin knew their mother had a massive soft spot for his older brother. She had a favorite. Chris always got away with things with much fewer consequences than Hyunjin did. If and when he was scolded, it wasn’t as angry. When he was grounded, it was for a shorter period of time. Occasionally, she was more formal with Hyunjin. More distant. Less affectionate. The double standard frequently made him think about whether he was adopted or not.
He watched himself shut down after they were informed of the sentence they both had to serve because of Chris. Until their adult ceremonies. A couple of years was not that big of a deal, but when you started counting down the days, they indeed felt neverending. It indeed felt like someone was playing an annoying prank on him by erasing some of the crosses he had already put on his calendar. The time just wouldn’t pass.
Maybe he needed to make the most of it if it wasn't going to pass. Rumor had it that time went by quicker if you were having fun, but the aforementioned fun just could not be induced by simple stuff anymore, could they?
It had to be derived from the most outrageous things possible because fuck a double standard.
Hyunjin had established somewhat of a routine until you came along. When he laid his eyes on you, he initially thought you could have some fun together, but he most certainly did not plan on catching inadvertent feelings towards you. He couldn’t figure out what exactly those feelings were—he just knew it was a couple of shades different than what he experienced when he borrowed a night from a stranger. And it was growing stronger.
I can do anything better than you.
It would have been fine maybe. It would have been fine if it was someone else other than the person who kept reminding him he was always going to be the second best. The second choice. The second rate. His mother was supposed to summon him any day now to discuss what he’d like for his own adult ceremony, and when Hyunjin witnessed how you and Chris fucking devoured each other in your bed that he was never once invited to, he just felt…
Let's just say inspired.
“You know me, mother. I’d like to pay respects to our roots.”
“There is such profound beauty in the classical indeed, isn’t there?”
Why of course. The guillotine was also such a classic, wasn’t it? Everybody knew what it was.
“There’s something else I’d like to talk to you about,” Hyunjin placed his china cup delicately on the saucer and assumed a semi-serious expression, “I need your word that you’re not going to consult to reprimands after what I’m about to divulge to you. It’s about Chris.”
“Is everything okay?”
“Your word. You’re not gonna punish him.”
Is this… Is this what I think it is?
“Very well. You have my word.”
“Actually, it is more than okay,” he smiled at his mother, “You’re familiar with our resident guest, right?”
“Yes?”
“I have reason to believe she and Chris are really suitable for each other.”
Words were simply not enough to describe the satisfaction that came from this declaration. Hyejin was right. She was right all along. It took a substantial amount of willpower not to crack and smile back at him.
“How so?”
She goddamn knew how so. Chris thought he was being all slick, but Hyejin heard it on the grapevine that you two might have been running off into the night recently.
“Just a gut feeling,” Hyunjin responded calmly.
Because I know they’re fucking each other, mother.
“Are you saying they are involved?”
“You could say that.”
Hyejin couldn’t believe it. Call it fate, a self-fulfilling prophecy, or a simple coincidence, but what she had been claiming for years indeed came true. She had a hunch you two were up to something, but Hyunjin basically confirmed it for her. You and Chris had passed her unnecessarily complex test.
“I’d like her to escort Chris during my adult ceremony.”
Hyejin furrowed her brows in confusion at her son’s very unusual request, “Well, that’s highly irregular. Escort duties are not for the guests.”
“I know, but don’t you think this is a great opportunity to test drive a public debut?”
It indeed would be. It could be a reason to open the gates of the grounds again. It could be the reason happiness could rush through these stone corridors again. She agreed.
“Don’t tell him that, though. I want it to be a surprise,” Hyunjin appealed to his mother one last time before he left, “He’s been through enough, mother. Give him this.”
Now we’re even.
Two birds with one stone: a cold dish of revenge and a gift for himself. Just like how he took away Hyunjin’s one chance at happiness because he couldn’t help himself, he was going to take away his brother’s, too, and it had to be during his adult ceremony. It had to be a very bitter reminder of a night that was supposed to be a celebration, and it had to turn into a post-apocalyptic wasteland afterwards. Chris obviously wasn’t going to still want you after learning the truth. He wasn’t like Hyunjin—he didn’t know how to swallow his pride. It could take some effort on Hyunjin’s part to convince you why you belonged with him, but you would eventually come around. Everybody eventually came around.
He would know what a gigantic presumption that was if he exerted some effort to get to know you just a little bit instead of your body.
Hyujin couldn’t really calculate how much his attempt would backfire and push you to make the decision to leave the estate instead. He waited and waited and waited for some retaliation, but all he got in return was a whole lot of nothing. Watching his brother turn a little more sullen every day, descending into the fatal depths of melancholy revealed a dusty film at the back of his mind.
Every time Hyunjin fell, Chris was there. Covered up for him whenever he could because they had each other and they would never leave one another. That was the one thing carved into their minds as they were growing up.
What Hyunjin had for you seemed way different than what Chris had. Maybe he had indeed confused his feelings for you with something else. Maybe there was a reason why he felt so inferior to his older brother. All Hyunjin knew was lust, yet Chris seemed to know better. He couldn’t help but think about what would change if you were gone from his life for good versus his brother’s. He thought about it for a long time.
It took some guts to finally admit it, but maybe you were Chris’ fire girl. Every once in a while she would pop into Hyunjin’s mind again, and his heart would ache. So much But that was in the past. If she knew what he had turned into, she would hate him.
The brothers had talked about being free for so long. They had dreamed about it. When Hyunjin was imprisoned, doing scandalous things was just his way of throwing a fit. So that he would be told he was not worthy. So that he would be let go. But then you appeared. You made his sentence bearable. Gave him a taste of something he had been missing for quite some time. Something that tasted very much like a piece of glazed cake.
Hyunjin was so consumed with vengeance vision that it caused him to lose perspective of a lot of things, which ended up scarring the one person he deep down cared about in this world. He couldn’t control himself for one night much like his brother, but then again, Chris would never come up with intricate plans to purposefully hurt him. He had just fallen a victim to his emotions some years ago.
Freedom. What a valuable thing. Yet no amount of money in this world was enough to have it.
If you were willing to pay the price on the other hand…
Cut the cord.
He knew what he had to do to put an end to all this. He had to pull one last number.
Even if it cost him his brother.
“Hello, brother. Going somewhere?”
Chris heard the door close and the lock being turned behind him. His eyes had turned into flamethrowers threatening to burn the entire place down out of sheer fury.
“We had each other, huh? We were supposed to never leave one another.”
“Yet you were about to,” Hyunjin disapprovingly tsked, “Here I am clinging to my older brother not to leave me. I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Christopher the Great,” Hyunjin deliberately raised his voice and then segued to a diminuendo, “Loved by everyone. His subjects. His friends. His mother. Even by the one woman his little brother has fallen for.”
“What would you even know about love, Hyun?”
“Not to mention, she’s not even pure blood,” he contorted his face like he was reciting ridiculous facts, “What were you even thinking?”
“What were you thinking?”
“I’m afraid if I can’t have her, no one can.”
“ENOUGH!!!”
The brothers were so engrossed in getting on each other’s nerves that they didn’t even hear the door open. Hyejin walked into her chambers with her eyes moist due to an alloy of rage and sorrow. She stopped right in front of her older son and declared with all the seriousness that ruled her being.
“You have my blessing if you accept to be the next in line, Christopher.
Chris froze in his place. So did Hyunjin, but for entirely different reasons.
You’re going to ruin this, mother.
“Just… Don’t go,” Hyejin’s voice trembled while squeezing her son's arms.
If she gave him the one thing he wanted, he would stay. He would stay forever and he would be happy. He could be happy here. There was absolutely no reason to leave.
“Please,” she begged as the tears ran down her face. Meanwhile, Hyunjin was drilling a hole in Chris’ face with his eyes.
Go. Don’t fall for it. At least one of us is capable of being decent and that’s not me.
When Chris finally made eye contact with his brother, he noticed something. His composure was still intact, but he was looking at him with almost pleading eyes. Like he was asking him to read between the lines. To get the message.
He remembered this exact look from somewhere.
High school sophomore year. Hyunjin knew Chris and his bandmates had been planning to break into the gym on a Friday after school and spend the night there. No matter how much he had begged his brother not to do it, Chris just turned a deaf ear to him.
“You’re too uptight, Hyun. You really need to loosen up a little. Nothing’s going to happen.”
“Something’s going to happen. Don’t go.”
“I’m being very careful. Mom and dad think we’ll be at practice for the upcoming competition. We’re not gonna get busted.”
“Not everything is about that, for fuck’s sake. You’re gonna get hurt!”
“Stop being paranoid, Hyun.”
Stubborn. He was just so fucking stubborn. He wouldn’t listen to him ever. Chris was furious to no end when Hyunjin appeared next to their homeroom teacher like he wanted to make it clear he was the one snitching on his brother stealing the gym keys. They had exchanged this exact same look that day when Chris received detention. Little did he know all Hyunjin was trying to do was to prevent his brother from getting beaten up to a pulp because ‘the drummer dude needed to be in bad shape’ to pass on the competition. The invasion of their gym by the delinquents of the neighboring high school was the talk of everyone for the following week.
Please, Chris. Do it for us. Leave. Be free. For good.
Chris’ eyes darted from Hyunjin to his mother and he almost spat the words.
“This throne and everything that reminds me of it can kindly go to goddamn hell, your highness.”
One day they could talk about it maybe. One day Chris would understand Hyunjin’s intentions behind what he did.
But today was not that day.
Chris and his mother’s deal was carved in stone: he had to prove himself if he wanted to be ‘ordinary’. Even if it killed her inside, she agreed to watch her older son forfeit everything and walk away from this life. Sending off a loved one into oblivion and not knowing if they would ever come back was a familiar feeling for Hyejin. She had done it once before. About two decades ago to be precise.
“You asked for me, mother?”
“Yes.”
Hyejin had called Hyunjin for their ritual Sunday tea. They would usually spend their mornings having a long and calm breakfast, talking about benign things as if they weren’t tiptoeing around much deeper stuff and being sarcastic with each other. That particular Sunday, she didn’t feel the need to observe the formalities and cut straight to the chase.
“Why did you do it?”
He also knew there was no point in trying to drag some things anymore. He took a long sip from his tea, eyes still on his mother’s, and calmly responded.
“If I didn’t give him a reason to leave for good, you were going to lure him back here again. Next thing you know, he can’t leave the grounds because he fucking breathed.”
“That kind of language is highly redundant, Hyunjin.”
“I know how your mind works. You can deny it all you want, but I take after you, your highness,” he irritably smiled, “It’s okay if he hates me for the rest of his life, but I know it’s gonna kill you.”
“So you want to hurt me that much,” she reciprocated his smile with moist eyes.
“Somebody needed to remind you of the taste of your own medicine. You seem to have forgotten it.”
Hyejin looked at her son and heaved a tired sigh. There was nothing but bitterness and animosity radiating from him, but it wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t even his father’s fault—he hadn’t touched Hyunjin’s soul one bit. Whatever he had turned into, whatever he harbored inside him was the responsibility of only one person, and that was her.
“With Christopher gone, I need to name an heir. That means you’re going to be—”
“No.”
No? What did he mean no? She was offering him unlimited power to do whatever he pleased, what else was he asking for?
“Isn’t this what you’ve wanted all along?”
Hyunjin looked at her with an expression that almost spelled disdain.
“That’s really what you thought I wanted? A life sentence?” he questioned, somewhat nauseated, “I just wanted to be me, mother. I didn’t feel like taking you up on your challenge is all.”
“You do realize someone has to—”
“If you want this prison to remain intact, I suggest broadening your filters for an heir. Someone from the royal council would be nice.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He leaned into the white iron table and clasped his hands on it as the Sunday morning breeze brushed his hair.
“It means the second you announce my coronation and blast me to the public, I’m going to indulge in the most abominable things this reign has ever seen and force this entire lineage to fall from grace. Horrendously,” he tilted his head and posed his tranquil threat, “You’re welcome to try me.”
Hyejin was feeling the walls closing in on her, literally watching her other son also slipping away from her with every word he uttered. She felt tired. She felt defeated. She felt like she was coming back from war and she had no life left within herself anymore. Maybe that was why she wasn’t as quick with her retorts as she used to be.
“You held us captive here for years because of what? The man wanted to kiss someone.”
“It’s not as easy as that, Hyunjin.”
“Nothing absolves what we’ve been through, mother.”
“Oh, is that so? Were you struggling while having the time of your life with your little playthings?”
Hyunjin’s face turned a couple of shades lighter at first for he was caught off guard, but it quickly returned to its original state.
“You knew, didn’t you? You knew what I was doing all this time,” he squinted his eyes, “Why did you let me get away with it?”
She was a queen. She was one of the strongest queens this country had ever seen. She was beauty. She was grace. She was the living epitome of what royalty should have looked and acted like.
But at the end of the day, she was still a mother.
“I can’t stand anything about this place,” Hyejin’s voice completely cracked, “I just couldn’t bear the thought of my sons leaving me to rot in this hell forever.”
“Even though you hated me?”
“I don’t hate you, Hyunjin.”
“But you don’t love me either, mother.”
“That’s not true,” she immediately replied and gestured the place next to her on the swing, “Come here.”
When Hyunjin sat down beside her, she pulled him close and laid his head down on her lap, which took him by surprise. She hadn’t done this in forever. It was such a distant memory that Hyunjin wasn’t sure whether he just saw it in a dream or not.
“There was one person I hated from the bottom of my soul, but it’s not you. It’s never been you,” she kept caressing his golden hair like she did when he was a kid, “But I acknowledge that it wasn’t fair to you that I projected it all on you. You remind me so much of him.”
“Father?” he looked up at her. She nodded in response.
“But you are you. Instead of using your beautiful face as a placeholder, I should have learned to make my peace with things,” she choked back her sobs, “I apologize.”
Hyunjin was temporarily teleported to the weekend mornings of his childhood. The frame in front of his eyes had a sepia filter. His mother looked younger. Happier. Lively. And she was kissing his hair.
You’re not my son. You’re my sun. You’re the most beautiful thing ever.
As if she was able to see what he was seeing with every stroke on her boy’s head, Hyejin softly uttered.
“You’re never going to stop being my sun. Ever.”
“Even though I’m broken beyond repair?”
“So what?”
He felt some wetness on his face like it started to rain all of a sudden. Hyejin was crying. So was Hyunjin. He slowly sat up and pulled his mother into his embrace. Maybe for the first time even.
“Do you want to be you?” she caressed her boy’s face as porcelain as hers, “Be you, sunshine. Be you away from here. You don’t deserve these chains, either. Nobody does.”
What a failure that this beautiful man felt like he had to do what he had to do because of her. What a catastrophe that she wasn’t able to save her son from himself when she could. What an absolute tragedy that she let herself be so haunted by the ghosts of her past that she wasn’t able to hear her sunshine’s cries for help, not until after his voice was completely gone.
“Just please don’t hate me anymore,” Hyejin let all the sobs she had been choking finally run free.
“Mom.”
Hyunjin placed a kiss on his mother’s forehead. Definitely for the first time. Yoongi had never kissed her forehead once. Maybe he wasn’t completely his father’s son after all.
“I don’t hate you. I just…” he tried his utmost best to avoid any landmines that could hurt her for once, “It’s just not fair that we were born into this.”
No, it wasn’t. None of this was fair. For anyone. If only she had the power to turn back time and do it all over again… She wouldn’t be able to promise to be mistake-free, but she would at least live to make her treasures happy the second time around.
“Don’t you ever want to be normal?”
“It doesn’t come with this job, sunshine,” Hyejin smiled through her tears, “It’s going to hurt so much at first, but I’ll be fine knowing my boys are happy somewhere. I will survive.”
“Or not.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” she creased her brows in confusion.
“Didn’t you ever wish to be free?” he insisted, “Didn’t you ever wish to just be?”
“I wish I could, baby,” Hyejin squeezed his warm hands, “I really wish I could.”
“What if you can?”
Only Hyunjin would think of a solution as insane as this. Only he would propose to be reborn from their ashes in the pursuit of happiness. His tone was as nonchalant as it could ever be as if he was only suggesting an evening stroll.
“You do realize we have the means to fake our deaths, right?”
«TO BE CONTINUED»
AUTHOR'S NOTE
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