I Heard My Heart Breaking I Guess - Tumblr Posts

— grocery list, choi seungcheol.

angst | 1.7k

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i swear somewhere this works

in a parallel universe or another world or a different life,

we sit across from each other

at the kitchen table

and go over the grocery list.

— trista mateer, the dogs i have kissed

your mind was wandering again, you’re aware, but you can’t help that all the neatly lined up colourful cereal boxes remind you so much of him — of the last moments of your happiness.

“i’m going to make it my life mission to try all the cereals in the world,” seungcheol announced as he pushed the cart down the aisle.

he stopped to pick up a box of limited edition froot loops, inspecting the back of the box before dropping it into the cart.

you stood on the other end of the aisle watching him with the fondest smile on your face. this was the exact moment you’d realised you found contentment in your little grocery shopping dates. you had thought it was silly how something that seemed so insignificant was capable of putting you in such a state of pure bliss. you remember thinking everything he did was so endearing to you and you thought this would be it. he was the one. this was the man that would be your forever. you were so sure of it.

you’re brought back to reality when your cart hits another cart that was turning the corner and the impact sends you jolting forward.

“i’m so sor—” you choke on your words when your gaze lands on the face of the man standing before you. “s-seungcheol?”

his eyes widen when he realises it’s you that’s in front of him.

“y/n?”

“hey seungcheol,” you force a smile then looks at the ground to avoid his eyes. your heart starts racing so fast you think you’re actually going to pass out at any moment.

he clears his throat, a habit of nervousness, and the sound makes you look up at him again.

“i didn’t expect to run into you here.” if you weren’t paying attention you would have missed the slight tremble in his voice.

“uhh yeah i still live in this neighbourhood actually.”

he nods with a nearly inaudible hum then there’s an awkward silence before he speaks again.

“do you maybe want to go somewhere and catch up? it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other.” he suggests hopefully.

you shouldn’t, you know you shouldn’t. but you answer before you can stop yourself. “i’d love to.”

you find yourself in the small, cozy cafe you and him used to frequent after your many grocery runs.

“the usual?” he asks as you pull one of the chairs out.

you nod and he quickly makes his way to the counter.

“calm down, calm down,” you chant to yourself quietly, taking deep breaths in between while settling into the cushioned seat of the chair.

it was easy to convince yourself you had moved on when you were alone in your dark room, but now that seungcheol was in front of you it was a different story.

seungcheol returns to the table with two mugs and places one in front of you. “two sugars right?”

your heart skips a beat at the fact that he remembers something about you, even if it was just a minor detail, and you can’t help but feel pathetic at the realisation.

you nod again, not really trusting yourself to speak, afraid that your voice might betray you.

he takes a sip from his mug. “how have you been y/n?”

“horrible, awful, absolutely miserable,” the words run through your thoughts but ultimately you decide to go with “i’ve been fine.”

he gives you a smile, one that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “i’m really glad to hear that.”

you wrap your hands around the mug, hoping the warmth will calm you down. seungcheol’s eyes drop to your hands and he reaches out to cover them with his own.

“are you cold?” his voice laced with genuine concern.

you pull your hands back and his face immediately drops.

“y/n i’m so sorry,” he starts to blabble. “i don’t know why i did that i guess it’s just a reflex and i wasn’t really thinki—”

“it’s fine cheol,” you cut him off, not realising you had used his nickname unknowingly.

but he catches it and it makes his heart ache. he’d missed it so much and he never thought he’d be able to hear that nickname from your mouth again.

“guess there’s some old habits you’ve yet to kick too.” a bitter smile makes it’s way onto his face and you feel a pang in your chest. it’s as if your heart was breaking all over again for the very first time.

the memories of your first heartbreak suddenly comes rushing back.

the night you and seungcheol decided to go your separate ways, the night he chose to give you up in favour of pursuing his career, the night where so many things would end up broken forever.

your favourite mug that was his first ever gift to you, promises that were made at 4am when he held you so impossibly close to him as the world around you grew so quiet you could literally hear his heart beating and it felt like only the two of you existed in that very moment, your dreams that also turned into his until he realised they weren’t what he wanted anymore, your heart that he swore he would hold onto so gently and carefully and the love you once shared that you thought was so powerful and nothing would ever be able to come between you — the love that you thought would have been enough to get you through everything.

he notices you’re suddenly deep in thought and he hopes you’re thinking the same things as him. but you’re not.

“y/n,” he calls out apprehensively and you snap out of your thoughts.

“hmm?” your hand clasp the mug again and your other hand rests on the table.

he exhales shakily as he prepares himself to speak.

“cheol?” you urge softly.

“y/n, i know i fucked up. really badly,” he lets out a brittle laugh at that. “but this whole time i’ve been away i’ve really been thinking.” he looks at your hand that’s still on the table and for a second he almost reaches out for it and only deciding against it when he remembers your reaction from earlier.

you stay silent, not quite sure where this conversation is heading.

seungcheol searches your eyes, hoping to find something that will give him his answer or just a slight hint even, but all he finds is sorrow. sorrow that he’d caused.

he continues, “i still love you y/n, and if you’d just give me a chance to fix this — fix us, i promise i’ll do better. i’ll never fuck it up or hurt you again.”

you feel your entire body stiffen and you tighten your fingers around the mug. an unexplainable feeling washes over you.

you don’t understand. you’d thought that you’d jump at any opportunity to get back together with the man that’s currently sitting opposite you. the very same man that consumes all the thoughts through your sleepless nights. all those nights you’d spent lying in bed awake imagining this exact scenario.

you’d thought that getting back together with seungcheol would make everything right again so why aren’t you happy right now?

worry takes over seungcheol’s entire being as you remain silent. he doesn’t want to push you but he’s impatient, a trait you used to nag at him about.

his warm hand finds your cold one carefully on the table and he looks at you with raised brows and soft, brown eyes, pleading silently and you so badly want to give in.

you want to lean into his touch, feel his arms around you, kiss his soft lips but you know you shouldn’t.

“cheol,” you breathe out, sliding your hand out from under his. “you know i love you. i always have and i always will.”

seungcheol’s heart drops because he knows where you’re going with this.

“… but?” you can hear all his regret in that one single word.

“we fell apart for a reason cheol and i don’t think i can go through another heartbreak again. especially not with you. it’s too painful cheol.” it hurts you to say this when all you want is to embrace him again.

“it’ll be different this time.” there’s a desperation in his voice that tugs at your heart but you know you can’t give in.

you will yourself to look away from him and your eyes land on the bags of groceries on the table next to you and for a second you let yourself indulge in the fantasy of being able to do something as simple as grocery shopping with seungcheol again, walking side by side down the aisle as you push the cart while looking at the grocery list you had written together in the kitchen of the tiny home you’d once shared. you’d give anything to go back to when things were that easy and to be able to do the one thing with him that brought you an indescribable amount of joy just a mere 6 months ago.

“maybe in a parallel universe, another world or a different life we’d sit across from each other at the kitchen table and go over the grocery list,” you manage to get out shakily, voice cracking slightly as tears threaten to spill from your eyes, “but not in this life cheol. it won’t be anymore. you had your chance.”

standing up in a rush, your thighs push the chair back causing the legs of the chair to scrape the floor loudly, you grab all your belongings and hastily make your way out of the cafe without looking back.

seungcheol opens the glove compartment in his car as he gets ready to drive home. his hand reaches around blindly, searching for his phone charger until he feels a piece of paper that he doesn’t remember was in there. he pulls it out, thinking it was an old receipt until he looks at it properly and recognises the handwriting — your handwriting.

it was the last grocery list you wrote together.

he scans through the entire list and he finally breaks when he sees the slightly faded words on the very bottom of the list, “i ♡ you”.