I Thought I Was Getting Better - Tumblr Posts

Day 12, 20, 26, 31- Friends are the Best Obvious Solution

Prompts- Insomnia, Found Family, "Sometimes I Get so tired, I Don't Know Myself", and "I thought I was getting better"

Katsuki hasn't been able to properly sleep for a while, having nightmares that leave him unable to get back to sleep until he has to get up again. The squad notices something's wrong, and decide that they're gonna help no matter what Katsuki says.

ao3 link- https://archiveofourown.org/works/51255391

Katsuki couldn’t count the hours of sleep he’d lost in the past couple of weeks. He’d tried everything to help him sleep, all sorts of tea, white noise, melatonin, and even yoga and meditation. Nothing worked. Every day was becoming the same, go to bed at 8:30 like normal, fall asleep, have terrible nightmares, wake up terrified and shaking just past midnight, stare at the ceiling trying desperately to fall back asleep, fail, and then get up at five when his alarm goes off. He’d had this routine since getting to the dorms, it was very similar to his old routine except now he could train and shower instead of showering before getting on the train. He very much liked it, even with his friends calling him an old man for going to bed so early. He never cared about what they said anyways, they had shitty routines of their own, and he just laughed at them when they complained about being tired after going to bed at 2am. His routine was far superior, and let him get actual rest to be prepared for the next day.

Except now, he wasn’t getting any rest at all. He didn’t understand. The nightmares that had started after the sludge villain incident had died down, resurfacing with the USJ and Kamino, but they had died down again. Nothing violently traumatic had happened again, so the fact that they had come back with a vengeance made no sense. It had been months, he shouldn’t be having these nightmares! He’d moved on, everything was different now, and he should be fine!

But he wasn’t fine. Katsuki didn’t do well without sleep. Simple things that he’d never put any thought into, like taking notes or staying awake in class, had suddenly become very daunting tasks that he struggled with every day. It was even getting a little hard to read his own handwriting, though it was usually crisp and clear. At this point, it was only his pride that kept him from going to Recovery Girl or his family’s doctor for some sleeping medication. He was fucking Bakugou Katsuki, and he didn’t need fucking medication to do things he’s always done.

Though, his pride took a heavy blow in favor of the meds when he got his last math quiz back. Katsuki excelled in school, in all subjects, and it was rare that he’d get anything below a ninety-eight percent.

This one was a ninety . Shit.

“Hey, I did way better this time!” Kirishima said happily, shoving his seventy-eight in Katsui’s face. Through the fog of sleep deprivation, he was at least proud of his friend. Especially since he’d worked hard to get all that damn information into Kirishima’s head.

“Finally.” Katsuki muttered. “Bout time you started retaining the shit I teach you.”

Kirishima gave him an abashed but still ridiculously bright smile. “You know, I may learn better without you whacking me on the head all the time. What did you get?”

“Fuck off, that’s my business.” Katsuki said, immediately trying to shove it into his backpack. However, his behavior must have set off alarm bells in Kirishima’s mind, so his stupid fucking best friend tried looking even harder than his casual glace of before.

“Ninety?!?” “Shut up!” Katsuki hissed, his cheeks heating up without his consent.

“Dude I’ve never seen you get a score so low.” Kirishima’s voice was irritatingly worried, and Katsuki hated it. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, keep your nose out of my fucking business.”

“ Something’s wrong.” Kirishima pressed. “You’ve been off lately, like way off. I just thought maybe you were studying really hard but something’s wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.” Katsuki insisted.

“Come on, I’m your best friend, you can tell me.” Kirishima said, his eyes gratingly sincere.

“There’s nothing to tell.” Katsuki growled, and thankfully, class was over for the day now, and they could go home. Katsuki just quickly grabbed his stuff, and left, ignoring Kirishima’s urges to talk.

Thank fuck it was friday. Now it was time to stare at the ceiling for long past five am. At least he could still stay in bed however long he wanted to.

Katsuki just went straight to his dorm room, again ignoring all of Kirishima’s attempts to talk to him, and locked his door behind him. His bag thudded heavily to the floor, and he flopped down onto his bed, cradling his head in his hands. Gods, what he wouldn’t do to just sleep. 

His bed was comfortable, his room was the perfect temperature, he’d changed into comfortable sweats and an oversized t-shirt, and he didn’t have school tomorrow so he could sleep in as long as he wanted, and still he couldn’t sleep. Closing his eyes just left him in the dark, and trying to do stupid breathing exercises to calm his mind did nothing. Sleep eluded him like common sense eluded Deku, and Katsuki just lay in bed, wishing with all his might that he could sleep and not getting it.

A knock startled him out of his desperate attempts for sleep, and he just sighed. Impatiently, the knock sounded again.

“Kaaaccchhaann.” Kaminari whined from the other side of the door.  “We know you’re in there.”

“No shit I’m in here, it’s my fucking room!” He shouted back.

“Come on, bro, open the door!” Kirishima was there too apparently. “We wanna hang out.”

“Yeah! It’s friday!” Aaaaand there was Sero. Dammit, he hated when all of his friends ganged up on him. It was always much harder to resist when all of his idiots were yapping at him. “Time for a smash brothers tournament!”

“We’re not gonna leave you alone until you come with us.” Ashido. Great, now the whole squad was outside his door. “So you might as well just give in and come out.”

He sighed again, loudly and dramatically. Fucking hell, his friends were annoying. But playing video games was mindless, and he did at least enjoy it. Maybe it would exhaust him enough to finally let him sleep.

“Fine.” He sighed, and the squad cheered. “But I’m player one, and no one complains about it.”

“Deal!” was chirped and Katsuki reluctantly got out of bed.

Apparently tonight was in Kirishima’s room, so at least he didn’t have to go far. They often cycled through the squad for video game tournaments and movie nights (except his. No one went into his room but him). But this time it was Kirishima’s turn to host, and so they all shuffled into the horrible brightness of his best friend’s room, and all spread out on the only available room to sit, the bed. Katsuki wasn’t sure how, as he didn’t like people coming into his personal space, but somehow, he ended up in the middle of Kirishima’s bed with Kirishima on his right side and Ashido on his left. Kaminari and Sero were sitting on the floor, leaning against his legs. This felt very intentional, but his friends weren’t acting suspicious, and since none of them could act well, he let it go. Maybe he was overthinking it?

He was handed the player one controller, and the others were passed around. The game was familiar enough to be relaxing, yet high speed enough to take his mind off his problems a little bit. He got comfortable and barely noticed it, sagging where he was sitting, body growing lax and complacent with a desperate need to rest. Everything started to fade into the background, the colors began to blur on the TV. His hands pushed the controller buttons automatically, on pure motor memory, but as his surroundings turned to white noise, he forgot that he was actually competing with anyone. His hands slowed as his mind sank into the comfort of where he was, the people around him. His friends’ animated chattering turned to a quiet buzz in his ears, sharp but familiar. He was warm on all sides, and Kirishima’s duvet was surprisingly soft.

Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder, yanking him out of his reverie, and the controller was being pulled out of his hands. He was confused until he managed to refocus his vision and see Ashido looking at him with big, worried eyes.

“Okay, Kirishima was right, something’s wrong.” She said.

“Nothing’s wrong.” Katsuki insisted. “Let’s just finish playing.”

“Dude, the game’s over.” Sero said, staring at him with the same worry in Ashido’s eyes.

His eyes flicked to the screen, and it had returned to the selection of characters for the next round. Shit. He hadn’t even noticed. His eyes came back to his friends, and everyone was staring at him. Even Kaminari was giving him an uncertain look.

“Come on, Bakugou, talk to us.” Kirishima said, and the walls Katsuki put up were becoming too exhausting to keep up. The sincerity even he couldn’t mistake for pity was too strong, the room too comfortable for him to be able to resist. He was just so tired. “We’re your friends. You can tell us anything.”

“I’m fine.” Katsuki hissed, his last desperate attempt to get them to back off before his walls fully crumbled. How had he lost so much ground so quickly? He was normally so much stronger than this. But dammit, he was exhausted and keeping up this act just added to his exhaustion.

“But you’re not.” Kirishima said. “You’ve been way off in training, you haven’t been getting your normal scores, and you just zoned out for like ten minutes without even realizing it. That’s not ‘fine’, dude. It’s just not.”

No matter where he looked, he couldn’t escape this sincerity, and he was trapped, with Sero leaning up against his leg so he couldn’t just storm out. Fuck.

“Icantsleep.” Katsuki whispered, his voice barely audible.

“What?” Chorused from his friends.

“I can’t sleep.” Katsuki sighed heavily. “Everything’s fine, I’m just really fucking tired.”

“But… you’ve been going to bed every night super early like normal.” Kaminari said, surprised. “We’ve seen you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you stay up past nine on school nights.”

“I don’t.” Katsuki said. “I just… I don’t know. I get into bed, and I just can’t sleep. I mostly just lay there.”

His friends exchanged worried looks.

“How long has it been since you last got decent sleep?” Kirishima asked.

Katsuki just shrugged, since honestly at this point, he really didn’t know.

“Have you tried, like, melatonin or tea?” Ashido asked.

Katsuki nodded. “Yes, I’ve tried those, I’ve already tried all the fucking obvious methods. Meds, tea, all the different noises, I even tried fucking yoga . Nothing worked. I just can’t sleep.”

“So is it like a mental thing?” Kaminari asked. “I sometimes can’t sleep because my thoughts are going too fast.”

Katsuki just shook his head.

“Well then, do you know what it is?” Sero asked. “That’s keeping you up? Because it sounds like it’s not a physical thing, if those other things didn’t work, and you say it’s not a mental thing, so I feel like there’s a puzzle piece missing.”

Katsuki just shrugged, not wanting to admit the nightmares, but his cheeks turned light pink anyways. Dammit.

“Okay, come on, what are you not telling us?” Kirishima asked directly. “I know that face, Bakugou, that face means you’re hiding something.”

“It does not!” Katsuki shot back.

Kirishima just raised an eyebrow. “How long have we been friends? And next door neighbors?”

“I keep telling you fucks, we’re not friends, I just can’t get rid of you.” Katsuki said, curling into himself unconsciously.

“Since the USJ at least.” Kirishima said, answering his own question. “I know you, man. We know you.”

“And that face means you’re hiding something.” Ashido finished. “You always get the tiniest blush when you know something we don’t know.”

“I do not.” Katsuki grumbled.

Several versions of “yes, you do” were echoed from all sides.

Katsuki just slumped harder. Fuck his friends. How the fuck did they know him so well? He hadn’t even known them a year! And yet, they knew him better than anyone in his life, outside of his parents and maybe Deku.

“Fucking fine, I have nightmares, okay!” Katsuki shouted, the jagged remains of his internal walls becoming like porcupine quills, trying to stab his friends with his anger. “I don’t fucking know why, but I’ve been having them basically every single fucking night, and there’s no goddamn reason for them! Will you shits leave me alone now?”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kirishima asked, placing a hand on his shoulder for a moment.

“What the fuck would I say?” Katsuki snapped. “So you could call me a fucking pussy who gets nightmares for no fucking reason?”

“We wouldn’t call you a pussy because you get nightmares, Bakugou.” Kirishima said. “I get nightmares too.”

“Yeah, we all do.” Sero said, with Kaminari and Ashido nodding along.

His confusion must have been written on his face because Kirishima continued. “Dude, I’ve gotten them ever since Kamino. And the Shie Hassaikai raid made them come back for a while too. I still get them every once in a while.”

“I got them after the USJ,” Kaminari said, “and mine came back for a while too, after that whole fiasco on I-Island.”

“And not to mention Nabu Island too.” Sero added.

“I still have nightmares about that woman.” Ashido shuddered, and Katsuki knew she was also talking about Nabu. “Sometimes I even have nightmares about failing out of school.”

“Oh gods, girl, same.” Kaminari said, leaning back on Katsuki’s leg to look directly up at Ashido. “I have that nightmare the night before every test.”

Katsuki unconsciously filed that information away for later, he’d come back to that when the next test came around, but mostly he was still confused. “But none of you ever said anything. You shits literally talk about every subject under the fucking sun and you’ve never mentioned that. I would’ve noticed.”

“I mean, I guess not, but like.” Kirishima shrugged. “That doesn’t mean we’d call you a pussy for having them. You’re too hard on yourself, bro. Nightmares happen.”

“Not to me.” Katsuki hissed. “I’m fine , there’s nothing wrong with me!”

“We’re not saying anything’s wrong with you, Bakugou.” Ashido said, placing her hand on his shoulder for a moment, like Kirishima did.

“Nothing has to be wrong with you for you to get nightmares.” Sero said. “Honestly, with all the shit you’ve been through, I’d be shocked if you didn’t get them.”

“Yeah, I can’t imagine getting kid-uh, I mean battling villains the way you did and not getting nightmares.” Kaminari recovered quickly after almost fucking up, reminding Katsuki of what he did not like being reminded of . Kamino could go die for all he cared, and he hated any reminder of it with a passion.

“But we haven’t had any battles lately.” Katsuki snapped, his hatred for his own weakness coming out as a spat at his friends. “There’s no fucking reason for this.”

“I don’t think nightmares need a specific reason to happen, bro.” Sero shrugged. “You just get them. There doesn’t always need to be a reason.”

Katsuki huffed, unhappy with that answer.

“We can figure out the reason tomorrow.” Kirishima said, successfully putting a pin in the conversation. He was good at that, at getting Katsuki to come back to shit when he felt better. “Right now, I think we just need to focus on helping you sleep.”

“I don’t need anyone’s fucking help.” Katsuki growled.

“Uh-huh.” Kirishima was also good at calling him out on his bullshit. Dammit, when had his stupid best friend gotten so good at that? “Come on. Lay down. You’re staying with me tonight.”

“No.” Katsuki said, very confused at to what the fuck his friend was even planning. “That’s dumb.”

“Fine, I’ll just tackle you.” Kirishima stated seriously, and honestly, Katsuki believed him.

“Whatever.” He grumbled, pulling himself back a little so he could properly lay down on Kirishima’s bed. For someone who’s entire thing was hardening, Kirishima’s bedding was unexpectedly soft. “Now what, geniuses?”

Apparently ‘now’ was everyone climbing onto the bed with him, Ashido pressed against his abdomen and the wall, Kirishima on his other side, and Sero and Kaminari back on his legs. They weren’t on him enough for him to feel trapped, but enough for him to feel that they were there. It felt oddly comforting.

“Okay, now close your eyes.” Ashido said.

He just glared up at her.

“You have to close your eyes to sleep.” She rolled her eyes. “Unless you sleep with your eyes open. Wait, do you sleep with your eyes open?”

“No, I don’t sleep with my eyes open, that’s weird.”

“Okay, so close your eyes.”

Katsuki rolled his eyes at her, and he sighed unhappily, but he did as she said.

“Breathe in for four seconds, and then exhale for seven.” Sero said.

“Tried that.” Katsuki replied. “Didn’t work.”

“Do it anyway.” Sero said, and he could hear him rolling his eyes. His bastard friends had a lot of nerve to roll their eyes at him, considering what they were doing. “You need to relax, and stop fighting us. Otherwise, you’re never going to get to sleep.”

“I’m never going to sleep with all you fucks watching me either.” Katsuki mumbled.

“We’re not watching you,” Ashido said. “We’re helping you.”

“Same thing.” Katsuki muttered.

“Just do the fucking breathing exercises.” Sero snapped.

Overdramatically, he took a big breath in, and blew it out. Afterwards, he started counting to four and seven as he breathed, and his body did start to relax. His mind was still very much wide awake but at least his body wasn’t as taut as a rubber band anymore. It felt a little strange, as he hadn’t felt anything when he’d tried this on his own, but it was working so he didn’t question it.

A hand suddenly came to his hair, brushing through his spikes, scratching lightly. His eyes immediately snapped open, and he found the hand belonged to Ashido. 

“Fuck are you doing?” Katsuki asked, but he was taken aback a little by his own voice. He sounded like he was half-asleep, but he knew that was untrue. His mind was still very awake.

“Shush, and keep your eyes closed.” She lightly chastised him. Katsuki didn’t even notice that she hadn’t answered his question.

Instead of standing up and telling his friends this didn’t work either, his leaded eyes just slid shut. His mind sank back into the comfort from before, a quiet voice of anxiety and fear effectively silenced by the warmth and safety his friends emanated.

Distantly, he could feel hands pull at his feet, taking his shoes off for him, and he didn’t have the words to respond to them. The fingers in his hair became his only real focus, feeling the gentle strokes of Ashido’s hand as she lightly dragged her nails over his scalp. No one but his parents had ever attempted anything like this, but he found he didn’t really want her to stop. Her fingers seemed to turn his exhaustion into a soft brook across his body, seeking out tension and washing it away. After an amount of time he couldn’t distinguish, the only things he could feel anymore were his friends comforting weight against him, and Ashido’s fingers in his hair. There were soft noises around him, gentle but garbled. Katsuki only caught the words ‘sleep’ and ‘night’, and couldn’t decipher any of the rest.

In an instant, Katsuki’s mind had gone from being completely awake to hanging by a thread, and Katsuki wasn’t sure when that had happened. Sleep hit him like a freight train, the thread of his consciousness didn’t stand a chance, and he was asleep between one breath and another.

After being so used to waking up shaking and sweating, Katsuki didn’t notice he was actually awake at first. He woke up slowly, an easy rise to consciousness not tainted by fear and terror. He felt warm on all sides, with heavy pressure all over his body, and he was so comfortable that he could’ve slipped back into sleep without much issue. Even more surprising, he felt rested for the first time in what felt like weeks. This was one of the best sleeps of his life. He idly wondered what brought it on after those debilitating nightmares.

Oh yeah. His friends. He could hear their soft breathing, feel their bodies all over him. Ashido was still sandwiched between him and the wall with her legs across his waist, Kirishima had flopped almost onto him, and the idiot’s legs seemed to be hanging off the bed, Sero and Kaminari were all tangled up on his legs, using his thighs as pillows. Kaminari was drooling on him, of fucking course the idiot drooled, but he was so comfortable that he let it go (for now). It took a bit of work to extract his hand from the pile that was him and his friends, but he checked his phone that was still in his pocket. It was a little past 5. Wow, he’d actually slept through the whole night.

Even with all the sleep he'd gotten which made him feel sooooo much better, he was still exhausted. His sleep deficit had only increased the more this went on, and he had a lot to make up. So, since no one was awake, he just snuggled in deeper to his friends, pressing into all of them, and he let the safety of his friends (who were practically family to him at this point) take him right back to sleep. And he slept long after everyone else had woken up, though they all still stayed cuddled up to him, their presence keeping the nightmares away.

My last attempt to contribute to Whumptober this year. Somehow I made it on time! (at least in my time zone) Fandom: Linked Universe - Fandom, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Additional Tags: Self-Harm, But it's not as detailed as my last two stories yay, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Whump, At least I hope it can be considered that, Legend (Linked Universe) Whump, Legend (Linked Universe) Angst, Angst, Legend (Linked Universe) Has a Bad Time, Legend (Linked Universe) Has Issues, Good Sibling Hyrule (Linked Universe), Supportive Hyrule (Linked Universe), Protective Hyrule (Linked Unvierse), Hurt/Comfort, Author is sleep deprived as always Series: Part 3 of The Nature of Dreams Summary:

Legend breaks a promise, and Hyrule teaches him even the strongest people are allowed to have weaknesses.

Whumptober day 31: Setbacks, "I thought that I was getting better"

emptiness / setbacks / take it easy (I thought I was getting better)

Writhing on the cold hard floor of the bridge of the ship, Spike swallowed a scream of pain with considerable effort. He clenched his eyes shut, clenched his hands into fists, curled his body into a fetal position, and tried not to throw up. 

He hated this part of convalescence. The part where he pushed himself too far too fast and either hurt himself or wound up relapsing in some way. The setbacks that Jet always warned about. It was frustrating to prove the other man right when all he wanted to do was be back to normal. Back to physically fit. Able to lose himself in the meditative realm of Jeet Kune Do. The emptiness wasn't as omnipresent when he was able to slip into the calming mindset that the martial arts exercise offered him.

Panting, shivering, furious at the world and his body's limitations and the bleakness of his own mind, Spike nearly jumped out of his own skin when a hand clasped his shoulder to roll him over onto his back.

"Take it easy!" Jet ordered. "You torn it again, didn't you? Well, just hold the fuck still and let me stitch it back up."

Of course it was Jet. Faye had been giving him the silent treatment since he was brought back to the ship. Her determination to ignore or avoid him was doing him no favors. If anything it added to the maelstrom of troubled thoughts and ever-present tides of guilt that washed up and over him daily. Guilt over getting Jet shot. Guilt over leaving Faye while she was having a breakdown. Guilt over getting Shin killed. Guilt over Julia... Guilt over Vicious... Guilt over Annie... Annie! ...that one hurt the worst, actually. Jet and Faye were pissed but alive. Shin and Julia and Vicious were all deeply involved in the Syndicate of their own accord, he'd never recruited any of them - hell, he'd tried to get Julia out for all the good that had done in the long run. Annie, she was an arms dealer for the Red Dragons, sure, but that was supposed to be a form of protection. A role that kept her out of the line of fire. The fact that they'd turned on her - whether Vicious or the Van - solely based on her past association with him...

It made his gut churn. She was supposed to have immunity. She was never supposed to die.

His fault. It was all his fault.

"Hey! You with me?" Jet's voice again. Concern covered with anger.

"I thought I was getting better," Spike spoke mulishly earning an eye roll from Jet as he finished sewing up the torn stitches along Spike's hip.

"You would be if you just relaxed for a damn minute. You're not invincible, you know. That showdown might not have killed you but if you get this wound weeping while I'm not around... or if those bullet holes wind up infected after all..." Jet huffed. "Anyway, just rest. You used to do that all the time, it shouldn't be that hard. The couch has been waiting for you to come back to it."

Spike finally took his eyes off the ceiling to frown at the other man's attempt at humor.

"Jet. I need to take a piss. Wanna lower the gravity for me?"

Jet eyed him suspiciously. "You gonna sprawl out after that? If you're just trying to make it easier on yourself to work out..."

"No, dad, I already ripped myself open enough for one day. I just don't wanna struggle down the stairs. I'll lay down afterwards. I'll even let you bring me some fucking broth for dinner."

Grunting, Jet turned from him to attend to the counsel that governed gravity on the ship. Spike found he was almost curious enough about their location to inquire but decided at the last moment not to ask. He was on a liquid diet. He was grounded from the zip craft and grounded from bounties. It was pointless to wonder where they were, what the next target was... it would be weeks at least before he was allowed to help again.

Dammit. He was glad to be alive - wasn't he? Sometimes he wasn't sure if he was happy about it or not, truthfully. Outliving everyone he'd once known was rough. The one person who had been through a similar fate - not a bloody coup, but losing everyone they'd ever known in life - was acting like he was a ghost. Regrets faced off against guilt over which would torment him during the snatches of slumber he was able to achieve. He'd been refusing pain killers because he didn't want to accidentally fuck himself up worse by not noticing due to numbness.

Besides, pain pills did nothing to combat the emptiness.

The yawning pit that was the heart and soul of Spike Spiegel.

Too stubborn to die, too apathetic to truly live.

There had to be a breaking point eventually. Slogging through each day was misery.

He heard Jet clear his throat before the other man reached down to help haul him to his feet. It was much easier to rise up now that the gravity had been reduced.

"Spike."

"Yo."

"I'll patch you up every time you do this to yourself, you know that. But someday you're gonna have to realize you don't gotta keep punishing yourself for living."

"I'm not..." He trailed off with a scowl. Was that what he was doing? He deserved the suffering, he knew that much.

"Whatever you say, man. Just... it's good to have you back. It'll be better when you can pull your own weight again but... well, regardless, I'm glad you're here."

Jet's words gave him a strange feeling in his chest. They didn't often - ever - have heart-to-heart chats. They weren't vocal about their actual feelings. It was all too easy to assume that the others were upset with him for abandoning them, for putting them at risk, for being an invalid when they needed everyone pitching in to afford to eat. Spike wasn't sure how to handle what Jet had said. He looked the other man in the eye, nodded, and then gritted his teeth as he pushed off the floor to float through the bridge and head for the bathroom.