ILOCETHIS SOBAD - Tumblr Posts

% my tears ricochet

pairings: haechan x gn!reader || wc: 0.96k || warnings: mentions of de*th, dy*ng, car accidents, swearing || inspiration: my tears ricochet by taylor swift

donghyuck kneels at your grave, the rain soaking his clothes. it is the first time he’s visited you since you passed.

he couldn’t bring himself to attend your funeral.

on your headstone are the words, “a wonderful child, loved by all.” donghyuck lifts his finger and gingerly traces the indents of the last three letters.

how he wishes it was his name.

more under the cut!

------------- a month ago -------------

it was raining. you had just finished your last lesson, and were keeping your things in your locker when he walked up to you, uninvited and unwelcome.

“done failing your classes, y/n?” he sneered down at you, snatching your notebook from your grasp. dangling it by just the cover, he shook the notebook, watching with disgust as post-its and other pieces of paper fell out.

you clenched your teeth, balling your fists up, but didn’t say anything. you knew it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. ever since the break up, he never cared about what you felt.

voice even, you said, “give it back, donghyuck. i don’t want to fight.”

“you don’t want to fight?” he asked, not looking at you. “well, i do.” with that, he walked up to the nearest rubbish bin and threw what was left of your notes in.

you stood rooted to the spot as your notes were soiled with strange, sticky liquids and other undesirable substances, unable to say anything in fear of accidentally losing control. you could already feel your anger formulating as harsh words on the tip of your tongue, and if you opened your mouth, they would come rushing out in a rage, ugly and unstoppable.

you took a deep breath and counted to ten. “why did you do that?” your voice was taut, and the air was charged with tension.

donghyuck fixed his gaze on yours. “because you and i no longer love each other.”

that one sentence lit the gas on fire and you exploded.

“i’ve already told you that we broke up for good! we broke up because it wasn’t working, because you were treating me like shit, because i didn’t meet your insane standards and because we were both falling out of love! i did the right thing by ending our relationship, because you were too chicken to do it. why can’t you just accept that we are over and stop harassing me all the time?!”

there was too much to say, too much to feel, and the pressure building inside you for the last three months needed somewhere to go. so you punched the locker door, denting the metal.

you couldn’t even feel the pain.

donghyuck yelled right back at you. “and yet you never gave me another chance to prove myself, never told me where i went wrong! why can’t we try again?”

you were crying at this point, wanting so bad to make him understand you. “i’ve given you more than ten chances, and each time, you’ve failed to prove that you can handle yourself. i can’t do this to myself anymore, hyuck,” you sobbed, and donghyuck shut himself up, because you used his nickname for the first time in months.

“i can’t let you break my heart over and over again, just to tape it back together with feigned regret and empty apologies.”

you had run out into the rain, and donghyuck had done nothing about it, because it had hit him that everything you said about him was true. he didn’t know how to love you right.

and that was when you’d run right in front of a moving car.

------------- present day -------------

he stares at your name, engraved on the semi-circular slab of stone.

“isn’t it funny, that i realised my mistake just as you made yours?” he chuckles, the sound hollow. dead, just like the only person he’d ever loved.

he swallows, feeling his adam’s apple bob up and down against his throat. now that you’re gone, he has no way to apologise. it occurs to him that he may still love you, and continue loving you for the rest of his life. no closure, no way to move on.

it’ll kill him someday.

he rests his forehead on the top of the cold, hard stone, shutting his eyes. a single tear slips out from under his lashes, landing on the surface of the soil beneath which you lie.

“fuck you, y/n.” his voice breaks as he says this. his heart, it beats with melancholy, aching with a hole that can never be filled. “fuck you for making me feel this way.”

he doesn’t say what he most wants to. i wish you stayed.

he remembers a time when you would bound up to him, placing a soft peck on his cheek. or when he would drag you out of bed at two in the morning to buy snacks from the convenience store nearby. your sleepy smile, the way you clinged onto his arm.

donghyuck presses his skin deeper into the rough tombstone, the sharper edges cutting into his flesh. he digs his nails into his palms, quietly acknowledging the fact that you will never do that again. he will never get to see that again.

big, fat drops of rain splatter on his back and skull, creating random rhythms. he focuses on that, drawing his thoughts away from the smarting in his chest. maybe if he removes himself from his surroundings, he might be able to meet you again.

that’s all he needs. one meeting with you.

unfortunately, the law of nature dictates the opposite. in his mind, he hears you say, “your eyes are so bright.” he wants to contradict this statement. that was your light reflecting in his pupils.

the tears come, and for the next few years, they don’t stop.

© marklilies, 2021. all rights reserved.

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