It Would Be So Nice To Take A Break From This - Tumblr Posts
The urge to cut my parents out of my life is so strong rn but I also don't wanna do that bc my parents brought me to this world and raised me and gave me good food and shelter. And they make sure that I know that because they raised me I'll have to take care of them back once I get the money and I'd be a horrible kid if I didn't.
I have never felt more at peace with myself when my parents are out or I'm in a locked bathroom bc my room doesn't have any locks. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells whenever I'm around my parents. I want them to see I'm doing good on the surface, because the surface I put up in front of me is all they ever talk about. And grades are the surface I'm talking about. And so I try my hardest to get good grades and I have a fucking breakdown when the grades weren't what I expected, because this gives my parents more of an excuse to talk more about how I could improve more and threaten to take me out of my school. I hate making mistakes in front of them.
My mom tells me the future she envisions for me so whenever I get an average grade I feel like a failure in my life and to my parents. My mom keeps telling me how she never had fun in her highschool years bc she was busy studying and getting the top grades and how it would be good and I would be successful later if I could stop having a lot of fun as well, by leaving things I enjoy doing.
I hate getting reminded of how expensive my school and my extra classes are. I feel like a useless purchase/expense. I feel like quitting all my classes so that it helps with my parents savings. I want my sister to get out of my room. I want my father to stop scolding me for going upstairs when all I wanted was personal space, bc I don't feel comfortable doing anything I like around my family.
I wish my family took my feelings seriously and didn't call me sensitive when I was a child, so now I wouldn't have to lock up my feelings around them and tell them what they want to hear. If my family took my feelings seriously, maybe I wouldn't smile with my mouth closed the way I do now. Or maybe I would be able to speak my mother tongue fluently if my family didn't make fun of me when I was learning English.
The worst thing is I can't tell them this, or anything about me really, they would tell me that there are bigger problems in the world. And there are, and my friends all have problems of their own, and I don't want to burden them with my own, I'd rather help them solve their problems or just be there for them when they need it. I'd feel selfish and silly for talking about my problems. It feels really lonely but I feel better if I know I was able to help other people. All I really want to do with my life is just run from the expectations, or sleep forever, or pull my soul out from my body.