Killing Myslf TODAY - Tumblr Posts

Spoilers for gtn and the first bit of htn

this is so fucked up... Like she said “I cannot conceive of a universe without you in it.” but she can't actually die because of her responsibilities. And her guilt. So she did the next best thing and killed herself off without killing herself in the most compartmentalizing harrowhark way so she can call herself dead... Like gideon... Dead and gone like a relief but still continuing on just enough to complete her responsibilities... Even the things she actually wanted to do like be a lyctor, gain knowledge, be alive to see the body come back, she's treating like burdensome things that she doesn't want to stick around to see and do with her own eyes. Like this isn't an act of being reborn and living without the painful truth of what she did, she's literally through this letter treating herself like a puppet, planning to manipulate her future self like she once did gideon, just live by the guidelines and don't ask any questions somehow knowing that even her future self would be so weird and fucked up and self hating that she would go through with it

like there is no hope for this future version of harrowhark. That's not in her plans at all