Maybeiamalittlebad - Tumblr Posts
Recently, i have been remembering a conversation from a long time ago:
-I'm happy for you, you’re clearly learning how to respond to your anxiety in healthy and effective ways.
-Honestly, fifty fifty.
-Wdym?
-I mean, I have been handling them better, in a way that none of them had made me cry at least.
-so what’s holding you back from feeling like you’re completely on top of these situations?
-Ok, let's not talk about "completely", I'm still into this, ha,ha..it's just that, maybe, just as an assumption, this "panic" is finding new ways to express itself....
-..even as you're learning to manage it better, sounds like they may have evolved into a more subtle..?
-Yeah, exactly, that's what i meant to say.
-Then.. what "new ways to express" looks like for you?
-..i had been showing signs like vomit, sickness, weakness, and all of them are actually normal as you may know, and as you may know too: i have been working on each of them, but they.. seem to not leave. This.. "weakness" is hard to crack.. it's frustrating, y'know? I feel like nothing is actually working, it's been no progress. I don't like feeling useless, i want to, i need to be okay.
-You’re absolutely right, progress can be slow and nonlinear, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating or painful, isn't it? But. Can i ask why haven't you talked to a doctor about your symptoms?
-Exactly, it is painful. But exactly because it takes time and it's nonlinear i have been waiting for some, i don't know, some progress? Something, just something that tells me, even if it's in code, that everything is going to be okay with the passage of time. Now it is just not passing, it hasn't stopped.. i feel bad because I haven't been able to manage and control this property. I don't like feeling useless...
And maybe this time hurts the most because it is happening again.
It's happening again and here's no you to tell me:
-Please, don’t blame yourself for not being able to control this. This doesn’t mean that you’re failing or that you’re not strong enough. It just means that the issue is complex and requires a different approach.
(It's interesting the way i didn't even notice i was blaming myself. But you did.) And it's interesting too the way you say your phrase:
-So let’s reframe this.
And i guess it is more intriguing the way i immediately said:
-Let's reframe this, please.
Even though nothing has been resolved anyways. Nothing leading up to your absence seems to have an end, no solution, no reframing on your part.
Della.
P.D.:🍃.