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I heard pic requests Mindy and I bring you...
While You're Sleeping
warnings: heavy angst, reader unleashes some insecurities to Jimin while he's sleeping, mentions of divorced parents and anxiety
wc: 1.6K
pic requests are CLOSED.
There's something different about his skin in the morning time. It's softer, more sensitive, and all around pretty. When you trace over his back, between his spine, you can feel him breathing beneath your fingers and it's as if nothing matters anymore but the oxygen entering his lungs. As long as he's breathing next to you, everything is okay.
Last night rummages through your mind like an old movie, scenes of cuddling on the couch and laughing at your favorite comedian on the television. Jimin's arms wrapped around you tightly, your body striving to be closer to him if by any means possible. It feels as though you've known him for a million years. He's an angel with the dust of the stars in his eyes. He's someone you don't mind being stuck inside with for days on end, and that's saying something.
For the first time you gave yourself to him completely. You discovered a new way to express love and it only furthers your desire to find more ways.
You know this life doesn't last forever, but right now it kinda feels like it might. You want it to. Despite the laziness in your eyes, you keep them locked on his messy hair as your fingers run through it lovingly.
You love him. Or course you do, how could you not? His tattoos and tired eyes, gentle hums and kisses across your skin. Not loving him would be a crime too horrible to even imagine.
"Baby?" you whisper through the early morning rays gently kissing his cheeks and the warmth from his side of the bed, "you're asleep, right?"
Because you really can't have him awake for these next few moments, not to hear what you're about to say. Not yet anyway. Jimin can sleep through just about anything, you just hope he's sleeping through this.
As much as you love him, you feel so guilty. Jimin is the type of guy who loves with everything he has, everything he possibly can. He gives his all to his lover and he's given his all to you. But you're not that way, not naturally.
"I think I'm almost ready," you confess to his absent ears and unknowing unconscious, "almost ready to say it. Although, I'm...I'm nervous now that it's time to verbally express it. If I was more of a romantic, I would say something like I knew from the moment I saw you. But, baby, that just isn't me."
It's hard measuring up to the hopeless romantic Park Jimin is. Being his partner means being constantly showered in uninhibited affection. Affection you don't feel worthy of receiving, not if this relationship is supposed to be an equal give and take.
"When we met," you continue to whisper, pressing yourself to his back, feeling the gentle way he breathes and it helps calm you a bit, "I was terrified. Because you were so kind and adorable and funny and I wasn't. I was scared. Scared I would embarrass myself or say something stupid and offend you. Fuck I still am, to be honest."
He shifts in his sleep, pausing your words for a moment while he readjusts and you feel him pull your arm over his waist and into his chest. He cuddles it like a teddy bear, never once waking but still treasuring you close to his heart like he said he would.
You sigh. Even his unconscious state is romantic. Does he not see how difficult he makes things for you when he does stuff like this? Who in this goddamn ruined world is this genuinely sweet and attentive? Even when they sleep?
You're lying here, practically naked next to him and he's the one who's so damn perfectly warm and soft. You're just cold. It hurts a little bit.
"Can I tell you a secret?" you ask, but of course he doesn't answer. "Remember when you said you were so proud you could make my heart race so easily? That pounding in my chest...that's fear. I'm anxious that I'm gonna mess something up, say something wrong, do something stupid and...god, I can't even imagine it. What if I lose you?"
Life without Jimin is unimaginable now that you've spent so much time with him. He is your solid center, the cornerstone for everything else standing up straight, the main thing that keeps blood pumping through your veins. Maybe you should consider just how much you depend on him but that's just the way things happened. And you don't hate it. As much as it pains you to be without him, being with him feels so worth it.
The idea of losing him...it kills you inside. Your emotional instability can't handle the idea of that kind of reality, not after it's experienced what it's like to be affirmed by the most incredibly supportive and encouraging man you've ever met.
Life changed when you fell in love with him, but you've never had the guts to say it to his face. Telling his sleeping state is the closest you've gotten to being completely vulnerable in front of him.
"I'm sorry, I'm rambling but I need to work through this stuff and you're the one I always go to. Baby, you're the one I talk to about everything, so when the topic is you, who should I go to?" You sigh and try to cut your ramblings to the end. "Okay here's my point. You asked me earlier, where I see our relationship going. And I so appreciate how hard you tried not to push it and to make it easy for me. You tried so fucking hard to sound casual, but baby, I could hear it in your voice, I could see it in your eyes, what you wanted me to say."
It was obvious to you. He's said it already several times and you've avoided saying it back for weeks. Not because it isn't true, but because as soon as you say it all this pretending to be cool about things, all this casual cuddling on the couch, and making out when you're bored, and waking up in the same bed. It all means something special. And you're not special like Jimin is special.
"If you asked me a year ago if I would be in bed with a guy even half as amazing as you are..." you slowly slide your leg over his hip and wrap yourself around his cuddly frame like a koala, "...I'd laugh. Never in the million years did I think I would let someone this close. But now I can't stand the thought of not being this close. You know what happened to my mom and dad." They're problems aren't your problems and their mistakes aren't your mistakes, but you still feel the need to bring them up. "In the end, their 'love' wasn't enough to keep lust from driving them apart. The thought of seeing you cry the way my dad cried, I just...I don't want that."
The thought of letting someone past the stern exterior you built was horrifying to say the least. Truly the most insanely terrifying thing you've done up to this day was allowing your friend, Jimin, to penetrate that barrier and make you feel like more than just a bag of bones on a floating rock in space waiting for the end of her lifespan to hurry up and count down the days.
The things that boy did for you and your appreciation for the universe are unbelievable and you will never be able to repay him. But he doesn't want gratitude or compensation, and maybe that's the hardest part. Knowing that nothing you do will ever be able to pay back for the sheer joy you get from seeing his precious eye smile, his pinky finger, his pout when he sleeps.
You sneak a kiss to his neck and taste the skin there for the first time since the sun woke up. "Thanks for breaking my walls, baby. I know how much you hate it when I talk bad about myself, how you say it makes your blood boil. You say I deserve the best, but darling, you're the best and there's no way in hell I deserve you."
Peaking over his shoulder, you double check his eyes are still softly shut before leaning in close to his ear and parting your lips.
Not everything needs to change, but what does need to adjust is your perception of things and you know that. Jimin isn't perfect, although most days he feels that way to you. But he tries to be and his perfectionism makes for some hard emotional times. There needs to be a little more confidence and little less stubbornness from both of you.
"I love you." Fuck you really said it. "That's what all this comes down to. I fucking love you, Park Jimin."
"Really?"
You startle, rolling away but he's quick to flip over and drag you back to his side of the bed by your hips. You're pressed into his body, trapped by his legs intertwining with yours and his palms holding your waist.
"You were awake?"
Jimin smiles sleepily at you and nods. He heard all that? Everything?
"Why didn't you say something?"
"Sounded like you needed me to be asleep. So I let you talk it out with yourself first. But when I heard you say that," he sighs and leans his forehead against yours, "I can't sleep through a confession like that. Not when I'm desperately in love with you too."
The tears in your eyes are solely from being startled and you will not argue about it!
His lips find you in a deep kiss, one that secures all your anxieties and fears about him hearing your little speech. And in that split moment, things are okay.
"I've got you," he whispers against your lips, lulling you into himself easily and soothingly until you can't remember where you end and he begins, and honestly you don't want to. "Let's go back to sleep."
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