My Heart Huuuurts - Tumblr Posts
βπβΛβΉβ‘ In all the time you've know dazai, he's just never let himself near you...
βπβΛβΉβ‘ Contents: dazai x fem!reader, NOT PROOFREAD, touch starved and emotionally constipated dazai my beloved, hurt/comfort, descriptions of blood and injuries, dazai can't take care of himself for shit, established relationship, use of pet names, lil angst, dazai gets injured, reader and dazai aren't to far in their relationship, slight religious imagery near the end, just yeah
βπβΛβΉβ‘ W/C: ~2k
βπβΛβΉβ‘ A/N: yeah this DEF probably lost the poll but i had such a good idea for it so im doin' it >~< @chuuyrr and @ruanais my lovelies here u go <3
When you heard dazai had gotten injured, you were sent into a worried frenzy. Yosano tried her best to reassure you, consoling you with the fact that his condition was stable as you clung onto her. Thankfully his wounds weren't that bad as to warrant a hospital visit, so he was sent home right on time.
It didn't matter to you that you technically didn't live with him yet- you'd only been with him for a month or so-you stuck next to him and went to his dorm that day with him, even as he told you it was no worry.
"It's really nothing, I'm fine." The way he chuckled out the words sounded strained, like it was a plea of sorts. You shook your head, holding out your hands for the keys. He glanced at your outstretched palm and chuckled. "Why, it seems you doesn't even trust me to open my own door." He pouted but placed the key to his dorm door in your hand.
"I do, I just wanna take care of you." You slid the key into the lock, twisted it, and opened the door and stepped inside. Dazai followed in quietly.
"...You really don-" You shot him a look and he quickly stopped himself from saying more, a sheepish smile on his face. As he entered his dorm you went behind him and pulled off his tan coat and flung it on a chair. As you did so, you noticed...
"Is that blood? oh my god osamu-" he cut you off with a short kiss to the lips, chuckling a bit as he pulls back.
"Love, it's old blood I'll be fine. Just lemme clean up, 'kay?" Those reassurances did nothing to soothe your worries. There was ruby-red stains of blood on his shirt right by his left shoulder blade and the visible bandages on his neck and wrists had a smattering of blood on them. Noticing your worried look dazai curled a finger under your chin, pressing his lips softly to your forehead as he smoothed down fly-aways in your hair. "don't worry." And with the lingering words of that whisper against your ear he went into the washroom, closing the door with a soft click behind him.
You don't know how long he took in the washroom, but either way you found yourself standing in front of the door, listening carefully at the shuffle of shoes scuffling on the floor and light sighs that dazai would emit. It sounded like he was fine, but you couldn't escape that lingering feeling in the back of your mind.
So you knocked, very gently against the wooden door.
"...osamu? You alright? You've been in there awhile." Silence, the a voice from the other side responded.
"Yes, I'm fine, don't worry about it." there was an edge in his voice, one that caused you to tense in worry.
"are you sure?" more silence followed you slightly panicked voice.
"yes, love I'm fine so plea-" a muffled hiss of pain was heard, then a sharp intake of breath. "...please don't worry." his voice was quiet, as if he knew you wouldn't listen.
"Do you want me to come it?" You couldn't hide the shake in your voice. after a minute or two of no response, you debated in your head whether or not you should just go in and check on him.
the door creaked open and you carefully stepped inside, gently calling out his name. dazai turned and looked at you, leaning against the counter shirtless and the bandages that usually serve as almost a protective skin loosely wrapped around him. Your heart dropped when you saw the open gash on his left shoulder blade, dripping sticky mahogany down his back. He smiled crookedly, a smile that made your heart throb in fear and worry.
"...I swear, it's not as bad as it looks. It just opened a little..." He trailed off, taking in a shaky breath as he saw your expression. "Don't look at me like that." You took careful steps before him, prying your eyes off the wound on his back.
"that needs to be stitched up. Let me do it."
"do you even know how to?" He chuckled a bit.
"Yosano taught me how to stitch up a wound once." You opened the cabinet under the sink. "Do you have a suturing kit?" dazai shook his head. you sighed, reaching in and moving around some rolls of bandages and such until you found a small container with needles and a roll of dental floss. you bent the needle into an arch-like shape, carefully emptying out the container of needles-far enough out on the counter that you knew none of the needles would fall onto the floor- and filled it with steaming water before dropping the arched needle into the water.
"Dental floss? You're gonna stitch me up with dental floss?" dazai chuckled.
"Mhm. It has less of a chance of breaking than regular thread." You washed your hands and fished out the needle, threaded the floss through it's eye before looking back up at dazai. "Can I...?" You motioned to the loose bandages on his torso and he slowly nodded.
You went behind him, pulling away and unravelling the sullied bandages and letting them drop onto the floor. Now that his entire torso was bare, you saw not only the gash, but multiple scars that ranged from tiny cuts to gunshot wound scars to long gashes. Swallowing, you wetted a towel and cleaned the blood off the wound and his back.
"Okay, I'm gonna stitch it up now..." Dazai hummed and offered a small smile.
"Oh yeah? be gentle if you're gonna kill me-you know I hate pain." You pierced the needle through his skin, feeling dazai's back tense and hearing him release a pained hiss. "Ow! Bella' that hurts!" He whined and you clicked your tongue, pulling out the needle and pushing it back it.
"stop whining." You couldn't help but smile even as you scolded him. You stitched up his wound and somewhere along the way his whines died into short grunts and hisses of pain whenever the needle pieced flesh and tissue and whenever it left.
"Stay here, alright?" You didn't wait for a response before leaving the bathroom and returning with a clean white button up. When you came back, dazai was trying to bandage himself up but you could tell that with an injury like that, it wasn't easy to. You set the button up down on the counter and gently pried the roll of cotton from him, looking up at him. "Let me. Please osamu." He hesitated before sighing, reaching out to cup your cheek in his hand.
"Alright..." He let his thumb brush against your cheekbone before letting it drop to his side. "After all, how could I deny my lovely girl when she asks so nicely for something?" He joked and you felt your lips curl into a smile.
"...there's that pretty smile." He said softly as you began to unfurl the roll. You wrapped it around his arms, probing him by asking if it was too tight-to which he always responded that it was "perfect". As you wrapped him up in spools of cotton you noticed how he unwillingly shivered each time your fingers grazed his skin, how he'd tense as your knuckles pressed against raised, scarred skin.
"Do you not like it when I touch you?" You murmured, pausing as you awaited a response.
"Why would you think that?' He smiles at you, cocking his head to the side.
"Just...nevermind." You began to wrap him again, but his voice stopped you.
"C'mon, what's wrong?" He turns around to face you, smiling a bit. "I wanna know what's going on in my darling's pretty little head." He poked you in between your eyebrow and you whined in response.
"It's just...You always flinch or just find some way to stop me whenever I touch you." It's true-dazai would always find some way to escape even the most innocent of your touches yet he was always fine with showering you with his sweet affection.
He chuckled, cupping your face up and he kissed the area he poked.
"I dunno what you're talking about, love." You rolled your eyes, poking his shoulder, and huffing out a soft "turn around", which he complied to and you continued wrapping his up as you spoke.
"Don't lie to me, you know damn well you do." You stopped bandaging him when you reached a particular scar on his shoulder. "Why do you do it?" You lightly traced the tip of your finger down the scar, causing him to tense up and try to move away. You squeezed his bicep as he tried to escape your touch. "Stay, please." He chuckled, turning his head to face you to say something before you cut him off with pressing your lips softly against the scar.
"Darling please-"
"I've been saying the same thing over and over again, and you haven't listen to me. Now you will listen to me." You pressed another kiss to the nape of his neck, rubbing comforting circles into his shoulder with your thumb.
"Please tell me why you keep hiding yourself from me." You whispered against his neck, the warm air of your breath raising goosebumps along his skin.
"I just...bella'." He sighed, looking at you through the mirror. Once he saw your expression, that pained expression on his darling girl's face he just had to say it, the words couldn't stay in.
"...I don't deserve you." That was it. The answer was simple and curt, yet it left a gaping hole in your heart and thousands of questions.
You were silent as you finished wrapping him up.
You wanted to make him happy, you really did.
So why did he feel undeserving of you?
You thought of it as you watched dazai lay on his futon, staring blankly at the ceiling after refusing to eat. You crouched beside him and sat on the floor, brushing his messy, dark bangs out of his eyes.
"Osamu? Can...can I stay the night with you?" You swallowed, your voice quieter than you would've liked. He nodded and you hesitated before laying beside him. "Move a bit."
You curled up beside him, feeling him tense up again before tentatively putting a hand a hand on your back. Dazai's eyes widen as he watched you sit up, hovering over him with a pained expression.
"...'donna?"
"Why don't you think you deserve me?" You trailed your fingers down his face, tracing every single one of his beautiful features as they contort into a sad smile.
"You want to know? It's because you're a delicate, pure thing and such things do not suit a blackened heart like mine."
"why not?"
"Because, my dear. You're an angel."
"And you're not?" You brushed your fingers through his hair. "Even if you weren't, the devil himself was once god's most favored angel."
He chuckled softly, leaning his head further into the pillow. "Ah, love, you have such a way with words; I don't suppose you could find a way to poison me with them?" You sighed and cupped his face, tilting it up before brushing your lips and fingers over every place and every curve of his features.
"Don't. Relax. Let me give you what you deserve." You whispered against his skin that had taken a pink-hue under your care. You kissed every part of his face and neck you could reach, peppering his skin with traces of love. Once there was no more room to fill with love, you moved to kiss every crease and scar of his calloused, blood-drenched hands as if to cleanse them of sin. His lips caught yours in a tender kiss, lithe fingers sliding into your hair and pulling you down to him. You left multitudes of promises with him, burying deep into his heart with every breath that the two of you took.
Dazai Osamu was yours, he'd always been. You were dazai osamu's, you'd always been.
Just like adam, you'd pluck the forbidden fruit if he asked you to simply because of the foolish thing called love. Even if you'd get cast away into hell you knew that he was the sought-after paradise-
Even if he didn't believe so.
Β©Cheriiyaya 2024
Apparently some people dont know these exits so here. Johnny with little jisungie playing piano ^-^
Crying myself to sleep tonight π