No No I Cannot - Tumblr Posts
If you will have me. Blitz didn't know what that meant, didn't understand what exactly Stolas wanted from him, and the impulse to assume something, to panic and just run with something, was strong. He quashed it, refusing--consciously refusing--to fall back into the old habits, to keep making the old mistakes, and forced himself to keep listening. When Stolas had hugged himself, it left Blitz's heart aching, because he could imagine, he could fucking imagine, how many times Stolas must have done that--how many times Stolas must have been the only one to hug him, the only pair of arms that wanted to hold him, always left to comfort himself alone.
Blitz shoved his hands into his pockets--then thought better of it and stepped over to wrap his arms around Stolas. Screw the height difference, he hugged what he could get, and he held on. Stolas needed that. He needed to be loved. He needed to be cared for. And Blitz needed to care. He couldn't pretend not to anymore, he couldn't pretend--fuck. He just couldn't pretend.
"I want whatever you'll give me, Stols. If that's... if you just want us to be friends, I'll take it. But what I really want is you. I want to be yours. Your stupid, lovesick, idiotic, unculture imp. And I want you to be mine. I want to--to find ways to convince you, somefuckinghow, that you are mine. That I want you. That I'm not gonna, not gonna just let go?" He tightened his arms. "Until you tell me to. I want to be together. Not just for fancy fucking, either. I mean together, together. Romantically. And I don't--fuck. I don't know how. But I want to learn. With you." He closed his eyes and rubbed his face against Stolas, having heard his own damn voice break. Fuck, Blitz, keep your shit together. Blitz hugged tighter, still.
"I don't wanna lose you. And I know I already did. But I just. I don't wanna lie anymore, either. I wanna tell you everything. And never be the reason you're unhappy anymore.
"I wanna be the partner who holds your hand proudly in public, and never cuts you down, never leaves you feeling unseen in your own life, or just... fuck. Fuck. I wanna be together--and I want to be good for you. Fuck, I want to be good for you." He didn't know if he ever could be, but Blitz would give his entire being to just trying, if Stolas wanted that.
A selfish wave of relief flooded him, and some of the tension leaved Stolas' frame. It wasn't fair to have wanted Blitz to himself during their separation, or maybe at all, and yet, he did. Still does, but that was a conversation for another time if they ever got it.
Stolas listens intently, giving Blitz a reprieve from the constant weight of his gaze by watching the path ahead. Though he stole glances any chance he could, unwilling to blink too often or let the imp out of his sight for a prolonged time. Everything between them felt suspended on a wire fit to snap at any moment. And if it didn't, they each held a pair of scissors, ready to cut it and each other loose.
It took so much willpower not to speak and interject, to correct Blitz or overlap his apologies with his own. Messy didn't begin to cover what any of this — of what they were.
He could fill the gaps between the stars and planets with everything he wanted to say. But would it be too much? Would he be too much? His hands link together, fingers grasping at each other with nervous excitement and uncertainty. At long last, the prince moves to step into Blitz's path, leaning down with a small smile. So much pain. There was an immeasurable amount of suppressed emotions and experiences between them both that could fill the world's oceans, he had no doubt.
❝ Blitzy — ❞ Stolas gives pause and shakes his head. One hand moves to rest on the imp's shoulder, the other to lift his chin to meet the owl's gaze. ❝ You think this is your fault, but it isn't. Not all of it. Please. . . . please do not bear the weight of it all without me. I was — I did some unfavorable things and. . . ❞ He trails off, beak clicking softly as he struggles to find the rest of his words. The problem wasn't that they weren't there; it was the struggle of unwinding them, untangling every thought and feeling from each other to form something coherent.
❝ You keep apologizing, but I could have stepped up too. I should have, sooner than I did, honestly. I hurt you too, and really I — it wasn't right of me, to bring up my feelings the way I did. Not so suddenly. Not like that. And I refused to give you a chance to properly take in what I was saying and suggesting. If I had just given you a chance to speak. . . ❞ It was his turn to withdraw, hands moving to his own arms, awkwardly hugging himself before falling to the prince's sides. He felt at odds with his existence, with the physical presence he held. It felt too small, and too much all at once.
❝ I care you for very much, Blitz. I just. . . want you to be aware of that. And to understand that I hold fault in what happened between us too. We. . . we hurt each other, unfortunately. But I — ❞ He sucks in a breath, head tipping to the sky instead, eyes closing. But when he speaks again, his gaze is back on Blitz.
❝ I still want to be a part of your life, and for you to be in mine, if you will have me. . . ❞