Ouuuu This Fucking Hurt :/ - Tumblr Posts

see you, again | pjm

genre : angst, heavy angst

word count : 1130

for as long as he could remember, thunderstorms usually made him feel at ease, the loud distant sounds would always calm his nerves down. his disturbed mind would be settled down for a while. the dreadful boom of thunder echoes in his ears pretty loudly, this time his mind felt bitter. He peers out of your window , the sky was almost as black as if it was night. it was merely a summer evening. he blinked slowly to see the lighting crack up as a glowing neon bolt in the sky, lightening up the sky just as the same as fireworks do. the loud, clashing sound of the thunder follows by, so does the string of memories inside him. leaning his head against the window-pane, his feline eyes watch the rain pour to the very much starved earth, satisfying it's drought of water in the land. his pupils move, and the sight infront of him nearly causes the breath in his chest to be almost squished inside, he actually held his breath,his calm, neutral expression now turning to a scared one. feeling a pang of pain rise inside his heart, he physically felt as if his heart was sqeezed by his own self.

a couple dancing in the rain.

everything reminded him of you. no..no..no..…he clutched his head in his palms, trembling slightly. his lips parted, bottom lip quivering. he was shaking. he felt his body freezing, the cold breeze blowing making a shiver run down his spine. he couldn't bear this anymore.

he tried prying his eyes open, tears clouding his vision. he can't see properly, all what he can make out is the couple dancing happily; even if he couldn't actually sort out anything, but seeing them dance, or maybe just move in random directions while holding hands and jumping like kids, he could say they were happy.

and it stabbed his heart.

each time he closed his eyes now, or even blink, he could see your face. the happy smile of your face, the way your pearly whites shone brightly. the way your cheeks puffed up each time you smiled, reminding him of freshly baked cakes. the swell of your dimples. why did he let you go? why? how did the heart of love which swelled with affection broke the seal to gush out the dreadful blood of his love, which didn't seem to stop? how he would each time press a gentle, sweet kiss to each one of them and how your throat would errupt with soft giggles. how he used to gently tug away your hair from your face or just neatly brush them, happily. when did it all go wrong?

his lips part and a painful sigh leaves his throat. thick and hot ugly tears run down his cheeks, and his chest feels tight, so tight he just can't breathe. he can't.

how much he liked your sweet cinnamon smell, each time he wrapped himself around you. either as a hug or cuddles at night. how he loved your sleepy voice which greeted him at the morning, how you caressed his hair and your calming presence was enough to lull him to sleep. the way you laughed at him whining because he didn't like to dance in the rain, but you loved it. somewhat, your own love for rain made him like it too, even if...he never could see the rain as one would normally do. what had he done wrong? maybe if he could've held you tighter, maybe if he would've fought a bit more..maybe if he helf you a bit closer, would've kissed you a bit harder, maybe if he didn't let you go..

heavy sobs left his chest, hugging his knees together to fight the ugly cold wind that threaten to freeze his body and burn his heart. his arms were trembling. see-saw, it was. life of yours wasnt easy to deal with, but whenever you were with him, the pain didn't feel pain. how you had become so, so, precious to him, how you'd fill his hopeless soul with sprouts of hope to tread on no matter what…the pain. he didn't feel anything, but whatever it was, was pain. emptiness, and nostalgia of his soul.

was he being childish?

he was selfish, all the way. he had peeked up a bit from his wrapped arms to peak at the potted flower at the windowsill. it seemed alive, petals decorated with water beads and leaves swaying at the heavy gush of winds. but however. jimin blinked away the tears, taking the pot in his palms, observing how the flower was alive , but yet was pretty much dead. neglected, was it?

at this point if he thought that his own life was neglected, he wouldn't blame anyone.

but himself.

he has been selfish, the reason why he wanted to keep you all for himself, and ultimately even if he didn't wanted to go, he had to. he still, could never let you go, and his heart clenches at the sight to see that someone who couldn't verbally emit expressions did that nevertheless, because you, the owner.. wasn't there to take care of him. how much you adored this plant, how much you took care of it. how your eyes twinkled to observe it everyday, growing happily..

how your eyes glowed at the thoughts of little things around you, like baking a cake together or cleaning the house. You'd be enthusiastic in almost everything, finding joy in each aspect of life, you knew life...you knew how to live it. how can you..

delicate, it was the only thing to describe you. you were his delicate, precious little bean.

jimin couldn't even imagine, not even in a relative universe. even in the worst of his nightmares, never ever could he think he would see your closet as it is, the opposite side of his bed empty and cold; your scent which once calmed him down to anything, now is the reason why he's restless. each time he inhales your scent, it just tramples over his already shredded heart. his toes curl in pain, in restlessness. no one to hug after a stressful day at work, no one to soothe his wound after a burn while cooking. it stabbed his heart, once, thrice, so many times that he felt dead by now.

life has been shitty, stress at work, dismay and anxiety. failures and disappointment. even if he was told you wouldn't want this, he couldn't bear to live.. without you. he didn't care about anything. nothing. but you.

he was incomplete without your love.

he filled in a cold breath in himself, more tears threatened to fall out of his eyes. he didn't have any hope left, no one to lean on. no one to embrace..just his bitter, lifeless self. his house felt nothing to live in, each time he entered, it just fept empty. his house, his bed, his room, his everything smelled like you; each time he set his foot on his house, a dead mourn would fill it, come back home, my love. nothing is same without you, look at me, look at me..

he knew that even though if it will take his EVERYTHING for you to return, he will gladly, more than enough would sacrifice everything.

he just stares blankly outside, the rain continuous to pour down.

…but they've all been in fairytales. life was a remorse, it was a bitch. he wanted to leave with you. his life wasn't life without you; his heart beats only for you, in a hope you'll be back one day, and his dead organ might pick it's pace again..

hope was the only thing he had right now.

even though, deep inside the core of his heart he knew, it's foolish of him to be hoping someone dead to return in his life.

maybe, in his next life.. he'd get to feel you back,touch your delicate heart again,to see you, again…

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