Persistence Of Self - Tumblr Posts

I put psychosomatic asthma attacks into the pot. And joint aches. His back aches for seemingly no reason sometimes. He has to walk past a mirror to realize his shoulders have gone lopsided like they used to always be because of his scoliosis. His chest gets to burning, he's gasping for air, and oh god the asthma is back and this is it. No one can figure out why he's suddenly having a fainting spell because he's eaten plenty today but then the gasps finally escape from where he's been holding his breath, trying not to have the attack he knows isn't real.

i feel p strongly that steve rogers still thinks of himself as skinny

like, he knows he’s big and tall and strong, he’s got mirrors, but i think when he dreams he’s skinny, in the same way you can be 45 years old and dream you’re late for school

steve’s been big for– what, 5 years now? he was skinny for 25 years before that– i think in his head he thinks of himself as skinny, and in his head this all still feels pretty temporary. his body is just a thing like tony’s iron man suit or bruce’s hulk form, except that he can’t take it off; he has a big body, but he is a skinny person

because this was something he did for the war, wasn’t it? he wanted to fight the war, so he volunteered to turn his body into a weapon. and if his body is still big and strong, then the war can’t be over, so he has to keep fighting, and he still needs this big strong body to fight it

but i think somewhere in the back of his mind there’s this quiet unconscious assumption– someday the war is going to end, and i’ll go back to normal again, and i’ll go home

because every other soldier saw 1945. every other soldier saw the end of the war. that’s what fighting in a war means, is that when the war is over, and they don’t need you any more, you go home

so steve rogers is always going to be skinny, i think, in his dreams, in the same way he’s always going to be a kid from brooklyn, and bucky barnes’ best friend, and an artist. he’s doing this other stuff, yeah, but he’s just waiting until the war is over, and then they’ll send him home again