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What Went Wrong

Gwen and Duncan get together, and leave Courtney to deal with the aftermath. She wonders were it went wrong, what was wrong with her ex-friend and boyfriend.  … she wonders if she was in the wrong.

“No matter how much you love something, an inability to accept their differences and faults can lead to bitterness and cruelty, and prideful attempts to change them can lead to their own destruction.” 

It was easy to blame someone else for your own shortcomings. Your own refusal to grow past whatever was holding you back. Your loss.

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Season 2

"Ew. Duncan, stop it."  

"Why so uptight, hot stuff? What happened to that crazy chick who helped me raid the camp kitchen?" 

"Ugh, I'm over this stupid show. I lost the competition, my pathetic lawyer lost my lawsuit, and now I just want to go home, study for my LSAT's, and work my class president campaign." 

"Wow, hello downer. Come on, relax, it's almost over. I thought you'd be happy " 

"I AM HAPPY!" 

*static*

"You know you mean the world to me, but I-I can't let you hold me back. Sorry!" 

"Wait! You're leaving me here?! But I-I just wrestled an alligator for us!" 

"I know! But opportunities like this don't just fall out of trees!" 

   *static*

"Courtney wrote me a thirty-two page letter outlining all my faults and how to correct them if we're ever going to have a serious relationship. All of which she expects me to memorize. I think I would have preferred a night of alien probing." 

   *static*

"Don't worry, I forgive you… just like I forgave the other three hundred and sixteen minor transgressions I outlined in my letter. But, I expect you to memorize that letter so it doesn't happen again." 

   *static*

"After all, what’s more important — winning some stupid challenge … or making me happy?" 

   *static*

"Hey, I like Courtney, I really do, but I also like a million big ones. Best case scenario, I win the money and the girl. But if it comes down to it, I need the money more than I need some high-matinence chick with a superiority complex. Ha!  

… don't tell her I said that, okay?" 

   *static*

"What?! Duncan voted for me?!" 

   *static*

"Court's popularity is in the toilet. I can't have her dragging me down. But the real reason… a thirty-two page letter?! And people call me psycho!" 

   *static*

Season 3

"Well, if you just listened to me — !"  

"Oh, I'll start listening the minute you say something worthwhile." 

"You're insane, you know that?" 

"And you … are a monster!" 

   *static*

"You know what? NO! No, no, no, no, no, no! Three hours of these two squawking on this stupid pyramid in this stupid heat — and you want me to sing?! FORGET IT!" 

"Dude, you have a contract —" 

"Eat it, McLean! If you need me, I'll be in the plane waiting for a ride home — cause I'm out! Done! I QUIT!"  

   *static*

" — And how could you think it was okay to just … leave like that! Because it was not! Ugh! Abandon me again, and it will not be pretty. Now, get over here you big lug! I'm not really mad, I just missed you."  

"Every time I ran from the cops, I thought of you." 

   *static*

"WHAT?! How could you?! I thought we were friend-ish!? I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU!!!” 

   *static*

"Well, at least I broke up with Duncan on my terms. It was totally empowering. At least I still have my … pride …"  

   *static*

"Okay, let's hear it." 

"Hear?" 

"Your apology." 

"For?" 

"For what?! For Gwen!" 

"For who?" 

"FOR! GWEN! 

Ugh!" 

   *static*

"I need immunity — especially around Alejandro — but sticking it to Courtney feels so right! And that can't be wrong."  

   *static*

"I declare my husband to be an insensitive jerk, who thinks his piercings make him cool when really, they divert attention away from his lack of personality."  

"And I declare wifey here to be a stuck-up windbag. I also declare, she could use some mouthwash!"  

   *static*

"I want a divorce!" 

"Oh really? Cause I want to stay married to your sunshine-y self forever!" 

   *static*

“Smiling? Whistling? This is the happiest I’ve ever seen you!” 

“What can I say? It’s like all of my problems were shoved out of a plane.” 

   *static*

I dug my nails into the palm of my hand as I thumbed through the channels of the TV. 

Every stupid news host was talking about Total Drama, commenting on the seasons, talking about the new ship: Gwuncan. 

As if they had nothing better to talk about but the utter disgrace of myself on international television.  

Every channel was about me, about Gwen, about Duncan . Every interaction, every confessional, aired and analyzed by fans and reporters to look back and wonder where it all started for the new couple. Where it had ended for the old couple.  

What had happened? What had happened?  

What made Duncan cheat on me? What was wrong with him to not see that I only wanted the best for him? 

Was it the list? 

I only made the list for Duncan for him to fix out his flaws! No person would ever hire a guy with a green mohawk for a respectable career. And with his callus and brutish attitude no one would ever want him. 

Couldn’t he see that I … 

What did Gwen have that I didn’t?

“Why don’t we just … let things happen. No pressure, no planning, no pookums. ’Kay?”  

“See? That there is why I like you.”  

I slapped myself, reeling back at the memories. Duncan never looked at me like that, even in our best moments. Gwen’s hands laid on his chest like I once did, telling him things that I would never do and he agreed — 

I slapped my other cheek harder, until it stung. I wouldn’t break down, I wouldn’t. Hate and anger was better than hurt and grief, and I had already shown enough of those things on Total Drama. 

I had to be perfect, I had to be better, I had to be the best , because if I couldn’t, what would I amount to?

Just a spoiled uptight princess whose boyfriend cheated on her? A washed-up reality tv star who didn’t even win any contest? 

I didn’t even win anything and yet I lost everything. The competition, the money, my pride, my dignity, my image, my friend, my boyfriend … 

I flipped the channel again, and the tv played Duncan and Gwen sharing a kiss after my ex had thrown a shoe at me. 

Gwen.  

How can Gwen sit there and kiss my boyfriend without ever feeling an ounce of guilt? Didn’t she have any shame? Any dignity? Any self-respect to see what she was doing was wrong? 

I thought she was my friend. I thought I was her friend, but at the most opportune moment she went behind my back and kissed him in the confessional. 

I thought … 

I thought I meant more to her than that. 

I thought I meant more to both of them than that, I thought darkly as I flipped another channel to see the forsaken kiss playing on the screen. I glowered at the tv as Duncan grabbed her burnt hand and pulled her into a kiss. 

Duncan was a bad boy and I was the good girl — the princess, as he was so fond of calling me. I knew it wouldn’t last, but in some small, illogical corner of my brain I thought it would. I thought our feelings for each other would be strong enough, I thought that I could make us last. 

“Love does funny things to us,” I sighed happily and walked away, oblivious to the turmoil Gwen was feeling.  

“Yeah … love is hysterical,” I heard her mutter before slapping herself.  

I loved him. I really did. Everything I did on Total Drama Action was for his best interest.  

I wrote that letter so that he could correct his flaws and become better, for me and himself. I wrote all those corrections to make him better. 

How could I not see that everything I did would lead up to this? 

Every glare, every argument, every dirty look, every confessional, led up to this. 

He wasn’t even sorry, in the end. 

I thought … 

Back then, when I demanded his apology through the freezing cold, I thought we could get over this. I thought through enough begging and apologies to take him back, Duncan and I could get over this. Brush it off like any other argument and get back to the way things were. 

But he didn’t even care. He didn’t even want me back. He was happy that I was tossed off the plane like a piece of garbage! 

I really thought he loved me back. 

I shook my head, rubbing my eyes from the bright screen and standing up. I walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, not even recognizing the young woman staring back. 

My hair was a mess, not perfectly combed like usual. I was in my pajamas, and my face was flushed and blotchy instead of smooth tan. The worst was my eyes, puffy and smeared with mascara and red with unshed tears. 

The young woman in the mirror looked like a messy collage of restrained hurt and anger and sadness. She didn’t look like Courtney, prim and perfect and driven to be nothing but the best. 

What had happened? Was the question I asked before. Looking straight into the mirror, Duncan and Gwen were the farthest from my mind as the answer stared right back. 

It was me.

I jerked back, and began slapping myself, again and again to rid myself of that twisted thought.  It was me.     Slap! It wasn’t me! How could it be me?! I was a C.I.T.! I did nothing wrong, nothing was wrong until Duncan cheated on me! Nothing was wrong until Gwen kissed my boyfriend!

      Nothing.

   Slap.

   Was.

   Slap.

   Wrong.  

   Slap.

I stopped, palms tingling and face hot as wet tears smeared across my stinging cheeks. My blood was boiling, burning, just as it had when Gwen stayed on the plane the night in Greece. 

Something twisted, dark and bitter and ugly, as I gripped the porcelain sink and stared at my reflection. Every fiber of my being trembled with the urge to ruin, and the seeds of sour hate had already grown and constricted around my heart the moment I found out Duncan and Gwen kissed.   

I would show them. I would redeem myself. I would be there to win, and nothing, no one would stop me. 

No feelings, no trust, no friendships. …

Courtney wonders where she went wrong. 

Probably when she signed her life over to that stupid show in the first place.