This Is The Best Post Of All Time And No Most To Least List Can Top It - Tumblr Posts
was talking to someone about being a normal person stuck in a reverse-harem akatsuki fic and came up with the silliest ranking yet: akatsuki but ranked by how likely they are to gift you a bouquet of severed arms as a token of their affections
1. Hidan. Hidan both rapidly generates severed arms and thinks they'd make a suitable gift. He doesn't normally keep the severed arms, sure, but he wants to impress you. He wants you to notice how cool and awesome he is and also, Hidan would totally think it was romantic if someone presented him with a bouquet of severed arms? He's definitely giving you an arm-bouquet. He's charming as fuck.
2. Zetsu. Zetsu has no idea what humans find romantic, but he thinks arms are tasty, and so he thinks Hidan's arm-bouquet plan is on to something. It's basically an edible arrangement, right? Zetsu will get you an arm-bouquet, don't you worry. Please notice him.
3. Orochimaru. At this point, your collection of arms is just funny. Orochimaru has a high enough emotional IQ to recognize this is not what you wanted, at all, ever, but now it's entertaining enough he cannot help himself. He likes you, and so he wants to see what you're going to do when he ruins your life. He gets you arms with strange extra growths and skin diseases and extra fingers, all smelling strongly of formaldehyde and wrapped in tasteful string lights. "Let me know if you want the legs too," he tells you.
4. Kakuzu. Kakuzu holds off on gifting you a bouquet of severed arms because Kakuzu is the first on this list to consider what sort of gift you'd actually like. He's actually giving himself minor anxiety over it because, well, he understands gift-giving as an act of affection, but the thought of spending money upsets his stomach. Can't you just have an enemy he can pulverize for you? ...oh, what's that? You're trying to figure out what to do with three bouquets of severed arms? Jackpot. Arms are both free AND you seem to be collecting them. Kakuzu will get you the biggest bouquet of severed arms yet.
5. Kisame. Kisame doesn't generate as many severed limbs as those above him on this list, and he probably wouldn't come up with the idea of an arm bouquet on his own. But he's also not a very inspired gift-giver, and he sees you tossing out your rotting arm-bouquets with a distraught look on your face, and it tugs at his heart strings. Finally, he has a thoughtful gift idea for you! Kisame has no problem going out and finding replacement arms for you. He's the first on this list to try and make it pretty, as he picks out only the prettiest arms and sleeves for you.
6. Sasori. Make no mistake, Sasori already has arm-bouquets sitting around, and they're the best-looking of the arm-bouquets on this list so far. The problem is that Sasori doesn't simply gift his art to people. For the first stages of his crush on you, Sasori wants to add you to the arm bouquet. It takes him a while to decide he likes you better conscious and able to have a conversation/spend time with him. Then, and only then, will he give you a bouquet of severed arms. It will be cleaner and better preserved than the other bouquets so far. It will be well-arranged and tasteful. He is going to watch you carefully place it in your room, and you will never have an excuse to toss it out.
7. Konan. Konan is bemused by your growing collection of bouquets of severed arms. She thinks your anxiety over it is cute. She was just going to give you a bouquet of paper flowers, but she shapes the flowers into delicate posed arms and hands. "Careful, they're sharp," she tells you, "in case you need to make more arm-bouquets." Your face goes all pink and wibbly. Very cute of you. You grasp the paper arms tightly. This is your only defense against these people.
8. Pein. Pein has his own collection of corpses he parades around and is unlikely to give their arms to you because he needs them. When he does finally decide that he is so dedicated to you that he can sacrifice his arms for you, it is an act of such deep, symbolic devotion that you will not be able to say no. You will simply accept the arms in quiet horror, Konan's paper arms clutched to your chest in useless self-defense.
9. Itachi. Itachi is not interested in severing arms or in gifting bouquets in general. However, if you're so into the arm thing, he will genjutsu some people into tying their arms together and presenting themselves to you like some for of mind-controlled, arm-based human centipede. Why are you screaming? Put down the paper arms; you wanted this.
10. Deidara. Deidara does think about giving you a bouquet of arms around the time Kisame sets out to make his. However, Deidara recognizes that arm-bouquets are firmly in Sasori's realm of displays of affection, and he refuses to stoop to Sasori's level. If Deidara ends up with a non-vaporized severed arm after one of his artistic displays, he did it wrong. Deidara follows you, whining about your arm collection and trying to gift you other, better pieces of art. It's an almost welcome change to the constant presence of arm-bouquets, except he also nearly blows your fingers off more than once. Deidara does eventually give you an arm-bouquet, completely on accident, when he has a very bad day and blows both his arms off. Please help him. Don't get those mixed up with your other arms, yeah.