THIS IS THE KIND OF ANGST - Tumblr Posts

there’s a familiar knock on your door, and you know without checking that it’s wonwoo. some things don’t change; wonwoo’s patterned knock is one of them.

some things do change. the feeling that swells in your chest when you hear it is one of them.

once upon a time, it was butterflies. swooping stomach, giddy smile barely suppressed as you skidded to the door in sock-covered feet. and now — now you can taste bile on your tongue. there’s a raw and unforgiving lump in your throat, and with every step you take towards the door, it seems to swell.

you don’t bother with the peephole, just open your apartment door, and with no surprise, it’s wonwoo. and he looks a wreck — dark hair sticking in all directions, smudged glasses, soft purple shadows under those eyes. he stands in front of you, awkward and uncertain; it almost reminds you of the first time he came over.

“hey!” you greet, not quite able to bite down the instant grin that spreads when you see your boyfriend. “you’re here!”

“i’m here,” wonwoo echoes softly, eyes a little wider than usual. one hand rubs the back of his neck — the other clutches a bouquet of pale pink and purple. he catches the way your eyes fall towards it, and laughs awkwardly, offering them to you with a sheepish grin. “these are for you.”

something inside you blooms, pink and red and pale blue. “they’re beautiful, wonwoo. thank you.”

his smile brightens a little. “i thought they’d match the blanket,” he explains. “the one you said you keep on your couch. can i — can i come in?”

you laugh at his shyness. “of course you can. you don’t need to ask.”

you snap out of it as quickly as you fall into it. he does need to ask now. and you’re not likely to say yes. you focus back on him, hovering uncertainly in front of you. “you shouldn’t be here,” you state flatly.

hurt flashes in his eyes. you can read him so well, picking out every twist in emotion, every twitch of his finger. you hate that you can’t forget things like that; things like his smile when you kissed him on the cheek; like the scar on the back of his left shoulder; like the smell of jasmine fabric softener and woody cologne.

you studied jeon wonwoo like your life depended on it. somehow you’re surprised that you can’t unlearn him.

somehow you still wish he’d had the time to do the same for you.

“i know,” wonwoo says finally. “i just — i brought food,” he says lamely, holding up a bag of takeout.

you recognise the brand. it’s your favourite — or rather, it was. you’ve found a new favourite, a hole-in-the-wall that delivers super quick, but he doesn’t know that. he doesn’t know you have a new coffee table. he doesn’t know you’ve swapped the cupboards for the plates and the bowls either, and suddenly you realise that two months is both forever and no time at all.

“go home, wonwoo.”

“___, please. i just want to talk.”

“i don’t think i want to listen,” you say quietly. and you don’t intend to be malicious, you don’t intend to hurt his feelings. you’re saying it how it is: plain and simple.

“you know what i like about you?” wonwoo says suddenly from below, where he’s resting his head against your lap. his hands are busy tracing the lines of your right palm, while your left runs through his hair idly.

“hopefully a lot of things,” you say lightly, tugging a little at a lock of brown. his hair is recently dyed, and you’re not quite used to it. “or this is going to be awkward. since we are, you know. dating.”

“you know what i mean,” he says, poking your cheek. “i like how straightforward you are. you don’t play games.”

you do, however, play avoiding compliments. “i play loads of games,” you answer, avoiding his serious gaze. “monopoly, for one. the sims, and stardew valley, and —”

he swats your wrist playfully. “since when do you play stardew valley?”

“for like, two months!”

wonwoo looks desperate now. he says your name again, pleading and soft. you ignore it, and it feels like the twist of a knife. you’re holding the handle.

“go home,” you repeat, rough and scratchy, readying yourself to shut the door.

his voice stops you. “i love you.”

you freeze, hand on the door. there’s a moment that stretches out forever, just like the first time he said it to you.

“i can’t quite say it when you’re awake, not yet,” you whisper, brushing a strand of hair away from wonwoo’s sleeping face in the early hours of the morning. “i love you, jeon wonwoo. like i’ve never loved anyone before.”

and with that off your chest, you lie back down, ready to curl up and sleep, until —

“love you too, baby.”

“oh my god, you were awake?”

it’s been two months since you broke up, but three since you’ve heard those three words from him. how easy they seem to come to him all of a sudden — it’d be funny if it wasn’t so fucking tragic.

“i can’t — we can’t do this.”

“why not?” he presses. he’s heard the crack in your voice, the one that mirrors his: the weak point.

“you know why, wonwoo.” as if it isn’t enough to taste your own bitterness, your mind plays flashes of the last few months. the tears, the late nights, the missed dates and repetitive apologies. the fighting — and then suddenly the lack of fighting. the giving up.

“but you know how i feel about you,” wonwoo insists, stepping closer. and this is where you remember how late it is, how he’s still standing in your hallway, the threshold between in and out. “i love you.”

how fitting, you muse. the cusp of being in or out of your life. “i believe you,” you say. and just as quickly as you put a glimmer of hope in his dark eyes, you crush it. “but you just don’t have time to love me, not properly. not how either of us want. i gave you everything, wonwoo. you know i did. i fucking fought for you — for us. you didn’t. it wasn’t on your fucking schedule.”

the little dregs of anger you have are drained out in only a few sentences. you’re over anger. you’re exhausted.

and you deflate, looking at his wide, guilty eyes. because you know that despite everything that went wrong, there was so much that went right. three years collapsed in three months, but they weren’t outweighed. “you’re a good person, wonwoo. you were a good boyfriend. but it’s time to move on. we don’t fit. not anymore.”

“is that what you’re doing?” he says hoarsely. “moving on?” it doesn’t sound accusatory, not even jealous — it sounds searching. you find the defeat in his eyes, the way they rove across your face like he’s trying to memorise you. like he’s trying to say goodbye.

you exhale, and it’s the most painful thing you’ve ever done.

“i still love you,” you say finally. “but it’ll pass.”

an / i have no idea how many times ive tried to post this . insanity. it won’t show up in the tags so im scheduling this for later while i go to sleep and if it doesn’t work i cannot bring myself to care anymore!!

apologies to everyone who got tagged multiple times!!!!

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