This Is What Anxiety Feels Like - Tumblr Posts
AUTHORS NOTE: hello my loves !! love feels like a mosaic of experiences, several brief moments and clips of the shortest of montages of deep-seated pain, the whisper of a breeze, and the roar of overwhelming joy. it feels like running through an empty parking lot in the hours where time does not exist, laughing oneself to tears and breathlessness, and just holding the other basking in the soft evenness of their chest rising and falling. i guess what i’m trying to say is love is so many things all at once, platonically, romantically, in the mundane and in the extraordinary, love differs from person to person and moment to moment, and in moments like this i get overwhelmed with an aspect of the human experience that i just,,,, have to get it out. akaashi feels very similar to me because as a card-carrying member of the Anxiety Gang i can recognize another anxious bitch from a mile away. here’s to hoping that by writing and relating to this self-indulgent piece can resolve some of the worries and fears i have one day. and yes the tw are mostly negative, but i promise you the piece is reassuring, and hopefully feels like a blanket fresh out of the dryer for your own insecurities. i hope one day to feel as akaashi does here.
tw: anxiety, mental health mentions, insecurity
akaashi has always felt like a fraud. his mind racing a mile a minute as he pieces together fragments of the way the people around him hold hollow smiles, empty laughter, and sour tongues. reality is not what surrounds him but the finesse of a well-placed ceramic mask to cover the thoughts and feelings his face reveals. the delicateness of a stiff smile, the disjointedness of a practiced rhythm. akaashi is a conductor and his body a caucus symphony. his thoughts feel like the jagged ring of dissonance. the fear of being found out surrounds him. what if they know? what if they find out? am i holding myself in the right way? he acts in every moment, playing the role of a friend, a teacher, a teammate, he acts so convincingly that eventually, his hollow smiles pass for real ones. the person who is akaashi crumbles away under the weight of a facade and the face that holds itself barely together in the mirror starts to resemble himself less and less.
akaashi has always felt like a burden. the weight of his existence drags himself down let alone the ones he loves. he sees how people stiffen at his presence, withdraw at his mention, and clamber to pull themselves out of the gravity of his existence. he is damaged and destroyed, ravaged by the howling storms of existing. in his despair he destroys everything in his wake, dragging them slowly and steadily to the same demons that torment him. watching as they slowly are consumed and gnawed away at. he watches as everyone he loves is destroyed. he vows to never subject those around him to the experience of him. tucks away his fears, his thoughts his feelings, tucks away his silly encroach of his insecurities because no one will ever be able to bear witness of the depths of his despair. akaashi hides himself away from those he loves, from the ones who care, who ask to help who reach out, he hides himself from strangers who smile in the street, from passing stares and statements. akaashi hides himself from everyone for fear his depression will spread like wet ink to paper.
akaashi has always felt broken. his fragmented soul like pieces picked up and haphazardly thrown together, he plays the role of a happy person, a kind person, serving in ways they don’t even notice just to receive some feeling of belonging, losing every aspect of himself as he builds and rebuilds this grand mosaic of existence. eating himself alive just to feel whole in the sway of the world. it’s what he’s used to. it’s what he deserves. he’s not enough as he is. he doesn’t know who he is. he simply cannot be as he is, because he has lost himself and he will never be enough. akaashi is damaged goods, his experiences changing him shaping him like weathered clay in ways he doesn’t notice. when completed he is irrevocably different a new and flawed human that cannot be seen without its reformed disgusting misshapenness.
but in the moment that he clicks open the door to your shared apartment the suffocating weight just piling up in his chest, swarming his head just lifts. with the quiet stillness of the air, sunlight drifting in, the breeze brings in wholeness, acceptance. his fears just shedding, tearing, melting away. you’re just sitting there. reading. waiting. just existing. you’re whole, you are safe and you with your bright sounds of laughter, that smile that just beams its way into existence, you love so deeply he can feel his chest ache at the sight of you. the way your eyes light up at his presence overjoyed at the prospect of spending time with your lover. in the moment akaashi opens that door, his eyes, his heart to you akaashi just is. he is enough. he is fully and wholly enough.
All That You Can Drawgust 2021
Day 5: View
(click for better quality, please reblog, don't repost. If you're too close to your screen right now, back up!)
Not a ton to say for this one. I'm on a roll with the dark themes