This One Kinda Got Away From Me Oops - Tumblr Posts

Happy 2017!

2016 was a crazy year. And despite the deaths of some very talented people, the whole american election fiasco, at the end of it all 2016 was a pretty good year for me.

At the start of the year I was still in culinary school, with the final classes being the most intensive by far. Doing 40 hours a week in a proper professional kitchen as an intern was by far the biggest hurtle, and while I learned a lot...never again. Ooooh never again. It’s an experience worth having but not one I wish to repeat. Around the same time my uncle got married, and I was enlisted to do the cake. The chef I was working under gave me some useful pointers for the task, and even supplied the styrofoam for the fake bottom tier. Everyone really enjoyed themselves at the wedding, my uncle and his new wife are both really geeky and both sides of the family are strange and more open minded- it was a lot of fun.

I graduated from the pastry program with honors. The day before the graduation ceremony I put my foot through our back deck. I bruised my entire calf, but escaped without serious injury. My mom likes to remind me I’m lucky I didn’t break my leg. 

Then it was full circle to the reason I went to school in the first place... trying to find a job. This was a very difficult process. I do not do well in job interviews, I get too nervous and don’t really know how to answer many of the questions they tend to ask. Not to mention I’ve never felt highly of myself, so when they ask something like “what makes you a better option for this position than other people?” I just kinda break down because there are a lot of people more skilled and talented out there I’m not about to say you can’t do better I don’t know who else is applying. It was a lot of ‘not enough experience’ and ‘it’s good but we need someone who can work faster’ or the quality being JUST below the mark... really just a lot of things that made those already present voices in the back of my mind louder. In the end, my mom (who started joining me in the job hunt because she was tired of working in real estate) got hired- and managed to convince the manager to give me a chance. I started working as a cake decorator. The day I drew a dinosaur on a cookie cake it dawned on me that this was all I ever wanted- to get payed for doodling cute stuff all day. 

I’m really happy as a decorator and I very much want to keep decorating cakes and cookies and stuff, but... it is stressful. I won’t go into detail but long story short I eventually realized I was long overdue for a talk with my doctor about my mental health. I’ve been diagnosed since I was in fourth grade, but, we never really found anything... useful? For dealing with my anxiety and, well, the breakdowns that occur if I hit a certain level of stress. If I’ve learned anything in my adulthood, it’s that trying to pretend I’m okay and not talking about issues (because other people have enough problems without me adding my own to the mix) it... really only did more damage in the long run. I’m still learning how to talk to people and catch myself when I tell people I’m fine when I’m not. I had a few good heart to heart talks with my dad too- in the past I don’t think he really understood (or rather, accepted?) the whole mental-health concept in general... but I think he kinda realized that, we have very similar issues. I brought up that I think I get my autism from him, and surprisingly he agreed. And there’s just, a new level of understanding there, and it’s nice. I’m taking steps to better manage my anxiety and stress at work, and things are hopefully going to get better on that front.

But really most of all, I’ve made friends this year. I gushed about this already at Christmas but I will say it again, finding the Undertale fandom and getting to know the people here has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I struggle to meet people, I’m generally too nervous to interact with people even online. I liked to draw but had grown used to the idea that people weren’t interested in what I liked to draw, or the stories I tried to write. I’m repeating myself but I didn’t realize how lonely I was before I met everyone, and I just... I never knew having friends could be this nice. I never knew making friends could be so simple. 

I just... I felt nothing, when I graduated. It didn’t feel like anything had been achieved. People congratulated me but... I dunno. I wasn’t happy. I got a job, yes, good, I needed a job! I want to work and feel like more than a lazy mooch- I need to be able to pay off student loans! I was thankful to get a job. But, I wasn’t happy. Because what I’ve always really loved doing was telling stories and drawing and I dreamed of making a comic one day- but... nobody ever showed interest. Good, not great, could be better. I’ve attempted several comic projects in the past, every one of them puttered out because nobody else was ever interested. There was never any feedback. But now... I met wonderful friends, wonderful TALENTED people who are inspiring and for the first time in a while I’m drawing a lot of fanart. I have a comic project going (fully unintentionally I’ll have all of you know, this thing was supposed to be just one page.) and for once there’s actually feedback, people care about what’s going on in the story and...and...

I found the Undertale fandom, got sucked in, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m able to be myself without being shot down for being annoying, or too loud, or being confused. This community is just so accepting and positive and...as I mentioned last time being a part of this community has really changed me for the better. I’m becoming more social, less reclusive, and I’m happy. I’m happy and while these past few months have been a whirlwind of things going really well and really shit at the same time I just, I’m looking forward to this next year.

Here’s to new friends, no matter what happens in 2017 I’m confident that it’ll be great because it’ll be spent in good company. I’m going to try to make it to my first convention this year- as someone who often does poorly in crowds it shall be interesting to see what happens there.