This Was So Funny - Tumblr Posts
leighs cary impression will forever make me giggle
(take this shitty rip from the saw 2 dvd lmao)
Crosshair: will you please let me shoot someone
Omega: only in an emergency
Later…
Omega: we are now in an emergency
Crosshair: thank god
thirdwheels (aren’t allowed!) ˚ ༘⋆˚↺ l.hs
requested <3
SUMMARY ! is it really that hard to get some alone time with your s/o when you have six annoying bandmates around at all times? after returning from tour feeling more than eager to see you, heeseung learns the hard way that the answer is yes, absolutely.
PAIRING ! heeseung x gn!reader
WC ! 2.1k
GENRE ! fluff, comedy, clingy bf hee content woohooo
WARNINGS ! mentions of the horror movie ‘smile’
a/n: decided to restore and finish up a very old req to be active again, sorry anon for the long wait <\3 finally a hee fic for my mlist yippee!!
“hee, i swear to god i can’t do this,” you announce, hiding cowardly behind your bowl of popcorn.
ever since your boyfriend had departed for his group’s tour, he’d been talking to you about this ‘smile’ movie nonstop and how the two of you just had to see it the day he returned.
however, the only thing heeseung had actually explained to you about said movie was that it’d been topping the film charts for over three weeks straight, and that if he said anything else it’d ‘ruin the surprise.’
now you recognise that the only actual reason he said that was to make sure you didn’t chicken out; considering it was apparently one of the scariest horror movies of the year.
“you can! it’s gonna be fun, baby, promise.” the deer boy grins, childishly kicking his feet back and forth in the cinema’s seat. “and if you get scared, you can always hold me.” (heeseung didn’t plan to ever admit it, but this was his ulterior motive in bringing you to a horror movie of all genres).
you huff. “i’m breaking up with you.”
he only snickers, lifting his arm over your shoulder. “no you aren’t.”
besides your constant complaining about how you didn’t think you were going to survive watching the movie, heeseung was more than ecstatic to finally relax after the constant promotions and just enjoy spending alone time with you. it felt like forever since he’d gotten a day to be with you without his members interrupting—
“hey, isn’t that niki and jake?”
heeseung’s smile immediately drops, following your gaze to see none other than his two idiot bandmates walking into the theatre with popcorn and drinks of their own. of course they just happened to be going to the exact same movie on the exact same day as you and him.
“oh, you’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” he groans, watching in disbelief as they both scan the seats. before heeseung could tell you to duck down and pretend you never saw either of his members, you’d already stood up from your seat and began waving to the boys. “wh— y/n, what are you doing!?” he whisper-yells in a panic.
“niki! over here!” you yell, clueless to your boyfriend who facepalms in agony. when the younger boy notices you, he tugs on jake’s sleeve, pointing to you before running over swiftly.
“y/n, hyung? what are the chances?!” jake playfully sticks his tongue out, quickly taking the seat next to niki, who had immediately claimed the spot to your left.
“i didn’t know you like horror, y/n,” niki remarks in amusement, taking a leisure sip of his soda.
you sigh at the reminder of what you’d been tricked into, glancing over at the culprit who seemed to be in the middle of sulking for an unknown reason. “oh, i definitely don’t. this shithead didn’t tell me anything! how am i supposed to know a movie called ‘smile’ of all things is a horror?”
the two boys bursts into laughter, unlike heeseung who was munching angrily on his popcorn, wondering why his time with you had to be disrupted for the billionth time.
it only got worse as the ads finally came to an end and the movie started; heeseung watching in disappointment as you mindlessly cling onto niki’s arm instead of his. you and jake were probably the loudest ones in the theatre judging by how others kept turning around and sending glares at the four of you, niki only cackling maniacally at your scared yelps and reactions the whole time.
at about halfway through the movie, heeseung finally had enough of third wheeling his own date.
“babe,” he mutters, forcing your arms to tangle around his own. you allow him even if you’re slightly confused, giving him a hum in acknowledgment. “after this shit’s over, wanna play video games with me at the dorm?”
you snicker teasingly at his childishness, “you were practically dying to see this movie though.”
“not with niki and jake!” he whines noisily, earning another angry glare from a woman seated nearby.
“shhh!” you scold, “fine, mario kart then?”
your boyfriend grins in content, pulling his purple hood up. “you know me so well.”
—
this time, heeseung was sure nothing could ruin his time with you.
the dorm was completely empty from what he knew; niki and jake were still out doing who knows what, jay was dragged along on sunoo and sunghoon’s shopping trip, and jungwon was... well, heeseung wasn’t sure about their leader, but he was rarely the type to bother him anyway.
at last, here he was with you sitting criss-cross next to him, switch controllers in hand and tv volume echoing the mario kart soundtrack on full blast. “bro, you always choose boring old link,” you complain, “why can’t you be mario so we match?”
“just because you called me bro, i’m definitely not changing now,” heeseung deadpans, clicking the ‘continue’ button to scan through vehicle options.
you frown in defeat, watching as the boy confidently scrolls through the different wheels and carts. his brows furrow in concentration as he reads the statistics of each option, pink lips jutted in a soft pout.
however, his intense focusing also gave you time to equip your most powerful, secret strategy, which was to copy your boyfriend’s exact idea and click start before he can notice.
right as the screen moves on to pick the map, heeseung’s eyes widen in realization. “yah, why does your thing look the same as mine?!” he exclaims, eliciting an evil cackle from your lips.
before he can unleash his wrath on you though, the sound of a nearby door being opened saves you as a familiar red haired boy prances in. while you gasp in excitement, heeseung’s mouth drops open in disbelief, watching as jungwon takes a seat right between the two of you.
“mario kart and nobody invited me?” the younger jokes, grabbing a third controller off the table.
“won!” you greet cheerfully, “i’m so sorry, we didn’t even know you were in there, right hee?”
“yeah, no idea,” he croaks out much more depressingly than he was aiming for, drawing questioning glances from both of you.
after jungwon had successfully connected, heeseung regards painfully as you go all the way back to the character selection scene, erasing his entire vehicle design and map choices before reselecting luigi as if nothing happened.
and to top it all of, stupid, stupid jungwon had swooped in at breakneck speed and rushed to choose mario before heeseung could even recover from his sorrowful mourning. “there, now we can match y/n!” the cat-like boy had giggled cutely, and it made heeseung want to pull his own hoodie strings until he choked in raging frustration.
was it too much to ask to have just one small, cute, alone moment with his partner today?
“aww, look at us!” you grin obliviously, “maybe heeseung can be peach!”
jungwon nods, “or he could be bowser!”
heeseung thinks he’d rather die.
—
after suffering through five whole rounds of slipping on banana peels and jungwon purposely trying to hit him with blue shells, heeseung had announced that he was done playing for the day; throwing the controller down defeatedly and sludging over to his bedroom with a pout.
it was easy for you to tell that something upset your boyfriend, and unfortunately for jungwon, he was your priority over mario kart no matter how intense the tournament was getting.
after a swift goodbye hug to the younger boy, you depart from the living room to find heeseung curled up on his bed, black headphones barely peeking out from under his purple hood. his bambi eyes widen curiously at your entrance, pausing his music as you take the spot on bed next to him.
“hi pretty boy.” you playfully wiggle your brows, knowing just how to get the boy next to you smiling again. however, your normally victorious strategy seems to fail; lips falling as you notice his gentle smile barely reaches his eyes. “how’re you feeling?”
caressing his knuckles in yours, you watch his face carefully. “m’okay, just a little bummed out after today. was hoping to spend my time with just you for once in a blue moon,” he murmurs honestly.
this is one of your (many) favourite things about heeseung.
no matter big or small, he’s never afraid or embarrassed to display his emotions and express them to you. if you buy him a new video game, he’ll do a little giddy dance and pepper you in thankful smooches. if you make him mad, he won’t just brush it off; he’ll let you know with a glare or frown before going right back to smiling after your apology.
if he’s upset that his whole day with you was ruined, he’ll tell you that until you give him the attention he deserved, which is what you decide to do.
you smile before wrapping your entire body around his, leaving small pecks along his face and neck. “well, it seems like you’re alone now.. and here i am,” you remind slyly.
the boy exhales in what could only be described as relief at your suggestion, wrapping his arms around your body hesitantly as if you’d poof into thin air at any moment. you reach a lazy hand up to massage the delicate roots of his hair, planting kisses on the side of his neck and showering him in all the love he craved and merited.
“am i in heaven?” he suddenly murmurs, eyes fluttering shut.
you pause your ministrations to peer up at him, snickering softly. “until the boy’s get back and force us to join their karaoke night, sure.”
heeseung immediately groans as if you’d punched his gut, eyes shutting tighter in agony while you laugh harder. “baby, don’t talk about them right now.”
feeling half an ounce of sympathy, you mumble out an apology before hastily returning to your gentle touches.
you’d admit that during other occasions like this, heeseung was the one spoiling you; willingly being the big spoon during every cuddle session and giving you all the affection and care.
though because of the lofty opportunity presented right in front of you this afternoon, you could now agree that you see the appeal of being the attention-giver.
you sigh, feeling your arm cramp from staying in such an awkward position atop heeseung’s head for so long. when not a single complaint is heard as you remove your hand, your eyebrow raises, anticipating the whiny ‘noooo’ or ‘put it back’ from the male under you.
that’s when you sit up on your elbow, studying the expression of a now fast-asleep heeseung. at first you chuckle, taking a picture and admiring his flawless beauty before eventually stifling a yawn, allowing your own eyes to shut mindlessly.
—
“ooh heeseung hyung! guess what we’re doing t—“ riki pauses his boisterous announcement, freezing in the doorway as he registers the bizarre view inside heeseung’s bedroom.
there you and his bandmate lay, limbs all over the place, hair a mess, and a single, unappealing drop of drool cascading down the corner of heeseung’s mouth. your soft snoring was luckily muffled against his purple hoodie, but riki still nearly burst out laughing at one of your legs that was awkwardly hanging off the bed with a sock dangling off your heel.
“yah,” the maknae whisper-yells, sending quick gestures once the other boy’s met his playful gaze.
in no time, three more of the members had arrived to witness the spectacle. jay was hitting sunoo’s shoulder while silent laughing hysterically, jake had to run out before his laughter woke you up, and riki was busy taking blackmail pictures from each and every angle.
“that’s enough, idiot,” sunoo eventually scolds, and riki obliges amazingly, stuffing his phone into his pocket with an evil giggle.
jay lets out a huff, nodding over to heeseung, “jake and won said he’s been pouty all day, you got any idea why?”
“oh, probably ‘cause i was purposely taking y/n’s attention at the movie today.”
their eyes widen, and sunoo nearly forgets to whisper. “what the hell were you of all people doing third wheeling their date!?”
“okay, that part wasn’t on purpose,” riki defends, and jay gives him the stink eye. “no, seriously! me and jake hyung just happened to go to the same theatre at the same time.”
sunoo murmurs something about them being idiots again right as jay shoots another question at the younger. “well why’d you have to bother y/n? you know heeseung would get all whiny, riki.”
the younger shrugs, nonchalantly making his way to the door. “because it’s funny.”
before either boy’s could scold him, a yawn is heard from the bed, making all three heads snap nervously to an arising heeseung. he yawns, stretching exaggeratedly, “what’s funny?”
all three of them glance at each other, rushing out and slamming the bedroom door closed. “nothing!”
if you enjoyed, reblogs n’ comments are always appreciated and motivating <3
© delcakoo on tumblr. all rights reserved. do not rewrite, cross-post, translate, copy, etc.
perm taglist: @duolingofanaccount @strawberry-sunset-skies @scented-morker @koshinene @boowoowho @sultrybaby @yunjinlvrr @lov3niki @yujiecho @monstaxdirtywonk @dekusgirl @taejays @kodzukii @yjjungwon @miou45 @rosie-is-everywhere @yenqa @rosenatorfirst @millsielovesgyu @syrxiee2 @ily-cuz-i
CHRIS EVANS as RANSOM in Knives Out (2019) dir. Rian Johnson
THEY DID NOT JUST MAKE ZENDAYA READ A FUCKING LARRY FANFIC OUT LOUD THEY DID NOT THIS CAN’T BE REAL
“How big is David Harbour?”
Winona Ryder & David Harbour Answer the Web’s Most Searched Questions | WIRED
Sexcapade
Your neighbour has a series of unfortunate sex-related mishaps, and he keeps asking for your help.
Pairing: Jimin x F! reader
Rating: 18+ (but SFW)
Genre: Non-idol AU, fluff, crack
Word count: 1.9k
Warnings: Swearing, mentions of sex toys
You’re half-asleep when you open the door to your apartment, but even if you’d been fully awake, you would still have struggled to put the pieces together.
There’s a quite attractive man in a baggy white sweatshirt smiling at you, hands shoved in his pockets.
‘I’m Jimin, your neighbour,’ he says.
You’re already automatically introducing yourself in turn, saying what a pleasure it is to meet him.
You blame your years in boarding school.
‘I was wondering if you might be able to help me,’ Jimin says.
You watch, incredulous, as he lifts his right hand out of his pocket, revealing the silver handcuffs dangling from his wrist.
‘Just got out of custody?’ you ask.
‘It was a sex thing,’ Jimin replies smoothly.
‘Why can’t your partner undo you?’
‘I was alone.’
Now you’re fully awake.
You look at each other for what seems like a full minute. The man doesn’t even have the decency to blush.
Then you nod. ‘Sure.’
You get Jimin to wait on your couch whilst you grab a paper clip from your desk.
‘Where are the keys?’ you ask, as you start to jimmy the catch.
‘I have no idea,’ Jimin says. He holds out his arm to help you, and you notice that he has quite nice wrists. They’re veiny, warm, and there’s strength in his grip. A thin gold chain dangles from the wrist you’re holding.
You cry out in triumph as the handcuff clicks open, freeing Jimin.
Jimin rubs his wrist gingerly. ‘You look like you’ve done that before.’
‘Seems a bold statement to make given we don’t know each other,’ you say pertly.
Jimin nods. ‘Thanks for freeing me.’
You wave him off with a flourish. ‘Anytime.’
You reconsider. ‘Wait – not anytime!’ you call out after him.
Jimin’s only response is to laugh as he heads for your door.
Annoyingly, his laugh is as pretty as the rest of him.
***
You’re in the middle of a virtual meeting when the sounds start filtering in from next door.
You’re on mute, but you have to give a presentation in the next twenty minutes, and the noises coming through are definitely inappropriate for your team meeting.
You close your window in the hope of keeping out the sound whilst you debate what to do.
You’re new to the team, and you’re trying to make a name for yourself.
Preferably not as that person who had porn playing in the background during her presentation.
You excuse yourself and head next door.
It’s a wonder your neighbour can hear you knocking over the out-and-out shrieking.
Jimin opens the door, running a hand through his blond hair. He looks remarkably composed, given the context. His shirt is unbuttoned, untucked.
His chest and torso are beautiful, but that’s not the point.
‘I’ve got to do a presentation in the next twenty minutes. I don’t want to be known as the porn girl,’ you say, brisk.
Jimin nods. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll turn it down.’
‘Just for an hour,’ you say.
You marvel at how blatant he is, how he isn’t showing even an ounce of contrition that the entire building is aware he’s watching porn in the middle of the afternoon.
You wonder what he does for a living.
Jimin raises an eyebrow at you. ‘Sorry. Anything else I can do for you?’ he asks.
There’s a smile playing on his lips, a hint of flirtatiousness in his tone.
You don’t have time for this.
‘No, that’s it, thanks,’ you say, briskly. You head back to your apartment and bolt the door.
***
It’s been a hell of a day at work. You’re pouring yourself a glass of wine, flicking through the options on Netflix when there’s a knock at your door.
You run to the door, and it’s only when the door opens and you see Jimin standing on the other side that you realise it’s too quick for it to be the pizza you ordered.
Jimin’s holding a dishcloth to his forehead.
‘I’m sorry to ask again, but can you help me?’
He’s about to lift the dishcloth off then he stops and looks at you, assessing.
‘Are you squeamish?’
‘Fuck,’ you reply, fuelled by wine. ‘Is there brain under there?’
‘No, just a cut I think, I can’t see it properly.’
You take another gulp of your wine, then pass it to Jimin.
Jimin takes a long swig. ‘Ready?’
‘You should sit down in case you pass out,’ you say, sensible.
Jimin eyes you. ‘We should both sit down.’
‘Hey, buddy, you came to me to help,’ you remind him.
You end up sitting across from each other on the couch.
Jimin lifts off the dishcloth.
You stare, unimpressed, at the long thin shallow slash above his left eyebrow.
‘Is that it?’
Jimin looks at you in disbelief. ‘There was a lot of blood.’
‘I wouldn’t even put a bandaid on that,’ you say, dismissive.
‘It’s my face!’ says Jimin.
He’s still clutching your wine, so you pour yourself another glass.
‘It’ll heal before you know it,’ you say.
There’s another knock at the door, so you open it.
Thank god, it’s your pizza and not another neighbour with a sex-related injury.
‘How’d you cut it?’ you ask, setting your pizza down.
‘Flogger,’ Jimin mumbles.
You shudder. ‘Did someone hurt you, Jimin?’
‘I needed to see it in motion,’ Jimin says.
You don’t want to ask any other questions.
‘Pizza?’ you offer, out of politeness.
‘Sure,’ Jimin says, settling in on your couch like he belongs there. ‘Can I get more wine too?’
***
Three glasses of wine in, you’ve learned a few more things about your neighbour Jimin. Firstly, that his surname is Park and he’s from a city not far from yours.
Secondly, that he’s a photographer for a high-end sex toy company.
It explains all the sex toys he’s been playing around with.
It doesn’t explain his very loud and very obtrusive afternoon porn-fest from the other afternoon, but you’re not sure you want to go there.
Thirdly, that he’s funny.
At first you were laughing at him, but now you realise that he’s making you laugh. You like it.
‘I’ve got a model coming in tomorrow for a shoot,’ Jimin tells you.
‘Don’t you have a studio for that?’ you ask. You don’t really care, you’re out all day tomorrow anyway, but you’re curious.
‘It’s a friend, he says he’d be more comfortable at mine,’ Jimin shrugs.
You finish off the last of your wine. ‘Sure. I’ll get my first aid kit ready. And my lock-picking paperclip.’
Jimin looks affronted at your tone. ‘These accidents could happen to anyone. You never said how you got so good at unlocking handcuffs.’
‘We don’t know each other well enough for that yet,’ you mutter.
Jimin’s tone goes silky. ‘I found the keys.’
You laugh. ‘Get out of my apartment, Jimin. I have a long day tomorrow.’
***
You peer around the corner of your landing. The coast appears to be clear.
You’re unlocking the door, pushing it open, when Jimin’s door opens.
‘Y/N!’ he calls. ‘We need your help.’
‘Just call an ambulance,’ you call back.
Jimin rushes to you and grabs your arm. ‘Please.’
For the umpteenth time since you met him, you wonder why God saw fit to put such a hot mess inside such a beautiful package.
‘What do you –’
The words die on your lips when you enter Jimin’s apartment.
In front of you, a white sheet carelessly draped low, low over his hips, is an insanely hot man.
Your mouth goes dry as you take in his curly dark hair, the light sheen on his skin, the tattoos on his right arm, his beautiful body.
He sits up when he sees you, and the sheet slides even lower.
You’re transfixed.
‘Y/N!’ Jimin says, and you snap to attention.
You turn your back on the hot man to look at Jimin.
‘I need your feet,’ Jimin tells you.
You wait, both for him to finish what he’s saying and for your composure to come back. You can hear the rustling of sheets behind you.
‘Explain, Park Jimin,’ you prompt when Jimin looks like he’s just going to keep staring at you.
‘Your feet. Can you pose with JK?’
‘No! I just got back from work. I can’t pose.’
‘You have great feet,’ Jimin coaxes.
There’s throat clearing from behind you. ‘I’m JK.’
‘Are you decent?’ you snap.
‘I’m a good guy,’ he says, sounding hurt.
‘Are you wearing clothes,’ you clarify.
You hear the snap of an elastic band. ‘I am now.’
You turn around and shake the hand JK’s holding out. His briefs are tiny, you guess he has a loose definition of ‘dressed’. You think he probably gets away with it because of the way he looks.
‘I’ll pay you,’ Jimin says.
‘I’m not a model, Jimin.’
‘I’ll get you dinner after the shoot.’
Now you’re intrigued.
‘What do I need to do?’
***
JK, or Jungkook as his name turns out to be, looks at you over the grill. He hasn’t stopped eating since you got to the restaurant. You wonder where the hell he’s putting it.
You swipe the last cooked strip of beef before he can take it.
Jimin obligingly lays out more strips of raw beef to cook.
‘I think these pictures are going to turn out amazing,’ he says. ‘Thanks for your help, Y/N.’
‘Anytime,’ you say wearily.
‘Yeah, I’d be happy to work with you again,’ Jungkook tells you. He seems sincere. He looks different fully dressed, more of a casual college kid than a Greek god. You think maybe it’s his wide eyes and slightly sticky out teeth. Or maybe it’s the smear of sauce across his cheek from the ribs.
‘Um, thanks?’ you say doubtfully.
You’re still trying to get over having had your feet in his naked lap for the last hour.
Jimin beams at you. ‘You’re a natural.’
‘To our new working relationship,’ Jungkook says, smiling at you, raising his glass.
‘I’ll cheers to that but I think I’m sticking to my day job,’ you say, hastily.
Jimin laughs. ‘You’re difficult to rattle.’
‘Have you been trying to rattle me?’ you ask.
Jimin just smiles.
‘If you knew anything about me, you’d know that sex isn’t the way to rattle me,’ you say, rolling your eyes.
Jimin looks at you thoughtfully.
***
You groan as you drag yourself out of bed to answer the door.
‘This better be good, Park,’ you say, rubbing your eyes. ‘It’s the crack of dawn.’
Park Jimin’s standing on your doorstep, holding out a small bunch of posies and a cup of coffee to you.
He’s beautifully dressed, fresh as the flowers he’s holding.
He smells amazing.
You’re rattled.
You blink at him.
‘What the hell is this?’ you ask.
‘This is me asking you out,’ he tells you.
You blink again, wondering if you’re dreaming.
‘You’re beautiful, you’re funny, and you take things in your stride,’ Jimin says. ‘Can I take you to dinner?’
‘Are you serious?’ you ask.
He smiles at you, charming, sexy, and you’re smiling back.
‘So will you let me take you out?’ Jimin asks.
You sniff the flowers he’s pressed into your hands. They smell like spring, like new beginnings.
You smile. 'Maybe I can show you how to use handcuffs properly,' you say.
Jimin smiles back. ‘I’ll be back tonight to pick you up for dinner, then I think I'd like to take you up on that.’
You laugh, and Jimin walks away, his own silvery laughter echoing down your hallway.
©hamsterclaw 2022
– call it fate, call it karma
explicit | 16k written for @bottomlouisficfest beautiful fic art by @lousfaerie
“You’re really telling me Louis’ been here for weeks now and you haven’t noticed until now?” Nick snorts, shaking his head as he slides off of his horse. Harry sighs, wondering how many times he’s going to be questioned over this. “There are a lot of people working in our stables, Nicholas.”
lifeguard!jungkook
→ pairing: jeon jungkook x reader
→ genre: lifeguard!au, surfer!au kinda??, fLuffiest fluff in the entire world, like 1% nsfw and 0.5% angst, a lot of sunscreen, jungkook wears tiny red shorts in this, juice boxes and animal crackers
→ wordcount: 12.6k ish this is a baby fic
→ notes: this was requested a while agO but now that it’s kind of the end of summer i thought i’d post it now!! anyways i want jungkook to give me CPR so i’m going to go and drown myself real quick brb
(gif isn’t mine!)
(((and the read more function iS there so if it doesn’t work for some reason (it never works on mobile i’m so sorry) i am sorry don’t attack me)))
there are days where you wish you weren’t friends with taehyung
why?
because he’s energetic literally aLL day everyday
and you are the complete opposite
you are dead most days and only alive when you need to be alive
so when taehyung texts you one day demanding you to change into your bathing suit and pack a bag because he’s taking you to the beach on what is probably the hottEST day of the year
Keep reading
hii , do you mind doing diavolo x m!court jester reader?
i saw a post with a king x jester trope and i could not get it out of my head 😭 it can be headcanons or a short drabble, wtv you want!!
hihi! this is such an interesting thingy to write and i apologise for taking a while to write it, writing male characters is fun but lowkey kind of hard for me😔✊
i also dont know what jesters do and my knowledge is watching horrible histories when i was younger so this is widely inaccurate heehee
no but fr i think in another universe diavolo would be a jester tbh
dividers by @/ioveartfilm
grma for requesting <3!!!!
Funny Funny (I'm in love with you.) Diavolo X M!Court Jester Reader
He laughs at your jokes like a man on crack
You're his favourite employee in the castle and your room is right beside his chambers (he made sure of it)
You sneak into his room for sleepovers sometimes. Barbatos has given up on propriety.
The Little Ds help you with your super cool jester preformances. They're surprisingly good at dancing and balancing plates.
You use the Little Ds as juggling balls sometimes.
Diavolo has promoted you as much as possible, bro atp people think you're a consort instead of court jester.
like they will full on go up to you to pitch ideas or put in a good word for Diavolo since he'll listen to you.
Barbatos also forces you to tell Diavolo news that'll make him angry or upset since he takes it a lot better coming from you.
Unrelated but you'd 100% be friends with Solomon and Thirteen. Which is awkward when theyre in the same room together.
Apart from Barbatos and Lucifer occassionally disciplining you, you are untouchable.
"Your Heighness...." A noble bows in front of Diavolo's throne. Why that scumbag had requested an audience with the Demon Prince, you had no idea. Technically you weren't even supposed to be listening in, but no one had noticed you on the chandelier yet so that was their problem.
And your problem when Barbatos eventually found out. Said Demon standing beside Diavolo's throne.
You watch as Diavolo nods along, uncharacteristically serious. "What do you need?"
"Well...I believe if we stopped trading pickles to the humans it would be a lot less daunting to create them-"
You blink. What the fuck. Bro requested an audience for this? Damn, this was so unserious it was good material for your next stand up routine.
You watch from overhead as Diavolo blinks, his wings stiffening ever so slightly, the crimson-haired prince raises an eyebrow. "You want to stop trading pickles to the Human Realm?"
"Yes, My Lord." The noble responds earnestly.
"No."
The demon blinks, astounded.
"Excuse me, may I ask you repeat that, my Lord?"
"No. Human's love pickles. They're our main traders. It'd sour relations even more." Diavolo says, you watch as Barbatos takes a deep breath, and as the Demon Prince begins to get annoyed.
You stiffle a laugh at the noble squandering, which leads to your downfall as you move your hands over your mouth, taking them off of your jester hat.
Which falls.
All the way down to the ground.
The bells on the hat jingle.
Barbatos' eyes are trained on you like a hawk. So are Diavolo's, but his eyes are more of an excited child on christmas than anything else.
The noble's eyes widen.
"Sup?" You grin awkwardly. The noble, sensing a way out of this pickle debate uses this as an excuse to say his goodbyes and leave.
Diavolo doesn't even notice. Barbatos just shakes his head ever so slightly.
"That guy was in a real pickle...!...Haha...right guys?" You laugh awkwardly, and despite the fact you're not funny at all, the Prince cackles like it was the best stand up routine he'd ever heard in his life.
You were currently at a banquet talking to the Little D's about your next juggling stunt when a demon approached you.
"Hello." She smiles, her red lips glossy.
"Sup."
"Well, I was wondering if I could ask a favour or two....." She looks hesitant but composed.
You nods your head, the bells on your hat jingling. You're convinced Diavolo put them on there to serve as some sort of cat bell.
"Well....I had an idea for expanding our trades of magical herbs to human world Alaska...since a few witches have been living on quote on quote 'lesbian cottages' there."
You whistle. "Damn. Do they have huskies?"
"A lot of them, from what I hear." She nods, her tail wrapping around her leg absentmindedly. "Could you put in good word for Lord Diavolo for me?"
"Sure?" You tilt your head, the bells jingle slightly.
The demon grins, "Thanks he'll listen to you more thoroughly!"
Little D No.2 pops out from your breast pocket. "That's because everyone thinks you two are gay for eachother."
You yank him out of there. "Go annoy Mammon."
"Sir yes sir!"
At this point you should be the Avatar of Pride.
"Sire. I'm telling you. He just stabbed several upper class demons with a rusty spoon!" The demon knight urges Diavolo, who isn't even looking at him.
"You expect me to believe that?" Diavolo tilts his head. You nod vigorously from where you're covered in entrails and holding a rusty spoon in your hands. "MC wouldn't hurt a fly."
The knight looks from you to him with a lax jaw.
What.
The.
Fuck.
That knight's putting his two weeks in now icl.
^^ idea from that one person on tiktok (sirleoninsunglasses) i cant get it out of my head.
can you tell im a merlin fan.
gang idk what noble people talk about i made these discussions up as i went along but i can assure you that pickle trading and lesbian witches in alaska are actually the only thing nobles talked about in history i pinky promise
Did you have to do this? Was it really necessary?
you ever think about how zeno probably avoids calling the hhb by their names because he is trying to avoid getting too attached because he knows that he will inevitably have to watch them die?? because i definitely do!
restroom attendant | jason todd
Summary: Tonight is the worst night ever--you just got dumped on your birthday, and all you want to do is cry in the restaurant bathroom in peace. That is, until, the Red Hood bursts in. This city just won't cut you a break.
Pairing: Jason Todd x fem!reader
Word count: 1.7k
Warnings/tags: humor, mild angst, reader's ex-bf cheats and dumps her, jason is such a silly goose, flirting, meet ugly, canon-typical violence, awkward jason, comic relief dick grayson.
A/N: this is probably the silliest fic i've ever written LOL! i hope you guys enjoy it. please support your local jason todd enthusiast and reblog :)
the divider
Tonight sucks.
With a shaky hand, you attempt to soothe your swollen eyes. You’ve probably been in here for about twenty minutes. Your Uber has definitely left, as has your now ex-boyfriend of three years.
Yoga instructor. It’s always the yoga instructor. They’re always fucking the yoga instructor.
You swallow a mouthful of tears and phlegm and try not to let the wet sink touch your dress. All you’d wanted was a little class on your birthday, maybe have some wine and play footsie under the table with Matt. But no. That would’ve been too easy for you.
You’re starting to think this city is cursed.
The door slams open. The force of it shakes the bathroom, rattles the mirrors. You spin around.
A man slides across the floor and smacks his head on one of the opposite wall. Red Hood appears in the doorway, the eyes of his helmet glowing eerily.
Yep. Definitely cursed.
"Let's try this again," Hood says pleasantly, reloading his gun with a fresh magazine. "And in the interest of making myself transparent: when I ask you a question, Jerry, I expect a truthful answer."
He stalks over to Jerry and heaves him up by the lapels of his suit jacket. Hood's biceps bulge as he holds Jerry against the wall. You squish yourself against the sink. Water soaks the back of your dress.
"You're crazy, I didn't do anything!" Jerry shouts, feet barely scraping the floor.
"Volume, Jerry. People are trying to enjoy their meals.”
“Let go of me, Hood! I wasn’t anywhere near the Iceberg Lounge!”
“Yeah, see, words are coming outta your mouth, but they don't match the fact that I have three people who put you at the scene. How can we remedy this inconsistency? Any ideas?"
Jerry squirms, but he's no match for Hood's strength. Your heart pounds in your chest.
"Don't give me to the cops!" Jerry begs.
"Cops are the least of your worries right now," Hood snarls. "You're damn lucky Nightwing wants to talk to you, Jerry, or your head would hurt a lot more."
Slowly, you reach for your purse, trying to pull out your phone. Instead, you knock it to the floor. Tears gather in your eyes because this night just can’t cut you a break.
“Motherfucker,” you whisper.
Hood looks at you, eyes glowing eerily in the dim light. Jerry also looks at you, legs still dangling.
“Hey,” Hood says without a sign of struggle. “Shit. Y'alright? Did I swipe ya?”
“No,” you say, voice shaky.
His posture softens. “Okay. I’m not gonna hurt you. Don’t be afraid.”
“I believe you. But, um… you're in the women's bathroom.”
Red Hood gives the room a onceover.
“Huh. So we are. Dunno how that happened.” He shakes Jerry by the collar. “Why’d you run into the women’s bathroom, asshole?”
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Don't kill me!” Jerry wails.
“Shut it, Jesus. I'm not gonna kill you. Not yet, anyway.”
“It's fine, I was just leaving,” you say, bending down to get your purse.
“Hey, no, don't let me push you out,” Hood says. “Sorry. I'll be gone in a couple minutes.”
Hood adjusts his grip so Jerry's face is against the wall, arms and legs restrained. Then he zipties Jerry and sits him down hard on the floor. Hood presses a button on his helmet.
“Yo, N, I'm at Prescott's. Yeah, with Jerry. No, I didn't tell him to run in here, he did that all on his own! Well, I chased him for ten blocks, so I’d prefer if you’d keep your bitching to yourself. Thank you… Okay, we're in the women's bathroom, so—well, I didn't do it on purpose! No, I’m—will you just come here? There’s a side window.” Hood presses the button again with a grunt. “Dickhead.”
“Are you gonna erase my memory?” you ask.
Hood jerks, turning back to you.
“What? Hell no, I'm not gonna erase your memory. I don't do that shit, I promise.”
You slump against the sink. “That's too bad. I would prefer it.”
He looks up from Jerry’s last ziptie and pulls it extra tight. Jerry whimpers.
“How come?” Hood asks.
You shake your head. “It's nothing.”
“Hm. Doesn't look like nothing. If you're in danger—”
“I'm not in danger. I…”
You glance at Hood. You can't see his face, but his body language seems genuine. From what you've heard, Hood isn't known for mincing words or doing things he doesn't want to. And he’s good to Gothamites. Well, the law-abiding ones, anyway. He’s even been endorsed by Batman.
What's the harm in telling him about your disastrous night? Not like you'll see him again. Or Jerry.
“I got dumped,” you say.
“Ah.” Hood nods. “Been there.”
Somehow, the idea of Red Hood getting dumped is weirder than him beating up a guy in the women’s bathroom of Prescott’s.
You sniffle, and wipe your eyes with the back of your hand.
“Yeah, um. It was our three year anniversary today. He took me here, told me he was in love with his yoga instructor, and then left.”
You tear up thinking about it. Hood makes a quiet noise.
“Shit. Well, I haven't been there,” he says. “But I know infidelity. I'm sorry. Dudes are trash.”
“And it's my birthday today,” you blurt, sniffling.
“Happy birthday,” Jerry says, clutching his stomach.
“What a fucking asshole!” Hood snarls, and lets go of Jerry, who crumples like a sack of potatoes. He’s out cold in a second, frozen on the floor.
Your brows rise. “Is he okay?”
“He’s fine. It’s his first time in Gotham.” Hood shrugs. “Anyway, where was I? Right, your asshole ex. Like it's not enough to publicly dump you, and then he goes and does it on your birthday? Who is this guy? I'll go talk to him right now.”
You laugh a loud, snorting laugh. It bounces off the tiles.
Hood tilts his head. “What’d I say?”
You catch your breath and wave your hand.
“No, nothing, I’m sorry. I’ve just had a crappy night and that’s probably the nicest thing anyone’s ever offered to me.”
“I mean it,” Hood says. “I’ll scare him if you want.”
“As tempting as that is, I don’t want to be an accessory to a crime.”
You also don’t want to put your ex in the ICU, no matter how much he might deserve it. Best to let the universe do its thing.
“You’d be acquitted, don’t worry.” Hood leans against the stall. “I’d never letcha go to jail.”
You smile, your ears growing warm. “You don’t even know me. What if I deserve it?”
“Nah. I got a good sense about people. I can tell you’re sweet. Probably don’t even run through red lights.”
“I try not to,” you say, heat spreading to your face.
“Yeah, a good girl. I figured as much.”
Your eyes widen. Hood coughs and rubs his neck. Even his coughs sound intimidating through the helmet, but that’s negated by his scrunched-up posture.
“Fuck. Sorry. That wasn’t a come-on,” he says. “I mean, it sounded like one, but I’m realizing what a creep I am, flirting with you in a bathroom with a zip-tied criminal. Sorry.” He shakes his head. “I hate myself.”
You grin. “It’s okay. You made my night better, actually. Thanks.”
“That’s a testament to how terrible your night’s been if I made it better.”
You shrug. “Could always be worse. I bet Jerry had an even shittier night than me.”
“You’d win that bet. But I—”
The window swings open with a clunk. Nightwing pops his head in. He looks at Hood, then you.
“Uh,” he says. “Evening. What’s going on?”
“What’s going on is it took you almost ten minutes to get here,” Hood says, back in Vigilante Mode. “Did you get lost?”
Nightwing smiles with all his teeth. “I was actually cleaning up your mess at the Bowery, Hood. You’re welcome.”
He looks at you. “Hi. Sorry about this. I hope we didn’t ruin your night. If there’s anything we can reimburse you for…”
You shake your head. “It’s okay. My night was already sunk. Don’t worry about it. Thanks for keeping Gotham safe.”
Nightwing laughs. “The pleasure is ours.”
“Alright, enough chattering, Dickwing,” Hood says. “Take him.”
He lifts the unconscious Jerry, pushing him up to the window. He does so effortlessly, his jacket riding up to reveal his skin-tight jumpsuit.
You look away before he catches you staring. There’s definitely something wrong with you.
Nightwing takes Jerry and waves at you. Then he disappears.
“So, uh,” Hood says. “I gotta go.”
“Oh! Right, of course. Sorry to keep you.”
“Now what’re you apologizing for?” he asks, and it almost sounds like a tease. You wonder what his smile looks like. What color his eyes are.
“Well, I really didn’t mean to keep you…”
“You didn’t keep me,” Hood says, and you can hear the warmth even through his decoder. “This is probably the best arrest I’ve ever made.”
He starts to climb through the window, then stops. He digs into one of the pockets of his belt and pulls out a scrap of paper.
“This is my number,” he says. “Well, it’s kind of the vigilante hotline. But you can reach me here, in case you ever need help.”
Hood walks over to give it to you. He smells like gunpowder and oranges. He’s even larger this close, the width of his shoulders dwarfing you.
“Thank you,” you say quietly.
He nods and backs up, clapping his hands.
“Right. So I’ll go… Bye.”
Hood looks at you for a moment more. Then he hops up onto the window sill and slides out, somehow graceful despite his bulk. The window closes.
Your dress has dried, which is nice. You walk out of the bathroom. It’s a miracle no one else has come in.
You get your coat and this time, when you see the empty seat across from yours, you don’t burst into tears, which is progress. You call another Uber and go to wait for it at the front. The hostess approaches you.
“Ma’am?” she says, and holds out a small, plastic container. In it is a slice of tiramisu.
“I didn’t order this,” you say.
“It was called in and paid for by a Mr. R.H. He wishes you a happy birthday.”
“Oh. Thank you.”
You’re definitely leaving a five-star review on Yelp.
s02e22 “Legacy”
Criminal Minds (2005-2020)
EMILY PRENTISS and DAVID ROSSI | 3.17 “IN HEAT”
‼️ please be patient when waiting to be leveled up in vanner’s fancafe, taehwan will get to it in the wee hours of the early morning ‼️
Mellow Frames: Steven's Having a Really Tough Day (The SU Movie)
Keep reading
My little cousin walked up to me with these 2 action figures and goes, “Hayley, do these look the same?”
Um, sir…you are holding a Captain America in one hand and Spider-Man in the other…do they look the same?
Reactions to the Notable Event of episode 113. Mostly Bizly.
transcript under cut
[Grizzly wheeze laughing]
Bizly: Grizzly, holy shit.
[cut]
Bizly: What the fuck!
[cut]
[Grizzly and Condi laughing]
Bizly: I'm not supposed to hear this! I'm not supposed to hear this! I'm not supposed to hear this!
[cut]
Bizly: Dude, this is not the first time you have written stuff like this.
Grizzly: It absolutely is.
[cut]
Condi: Five years ago, when I was just a wee lad and we were starting Just Roll With It, I don't think my mind really explored the possibilities of potentially getting to the point where we'd be reading... gay smut together.
Charlie: In character. For a mechanical boost.
Condi: For a mechanical boost.
Bizly: There has been a shift in our friendship, I think, guys.
The Waynes - TV Pilot (Part 1 of 4)
Logline: In an effort to appear as harmless celebrities, billionaire Bruce Wayne hires a reality TV crew to document his family members' chaotic lives. (Part 2)
Part 2 Part 3 and Part 4 are up now!!!!
Did I get a B.A. in Creative Writing for this? Maybe
Btw (O.C.) means Off-Camera so they're in the room but the camera doesn't see them!
I am working on finding the best way to upload this to AO3, but I can't promise if or when it will happen. (I also need to make a new account.) So apologies for the lack of accessibility. Screenshots are my best friend and only option right now :) Also
DO NOT REPOST WITHOUT PERMISSION (THIS OBVIOUSLY TOOK A LOT OF TIME, I WILL BE OUT FOR BLOOD)
Part 2 is separate because I just couldn't fit all 24 pages into one post ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
(And for those wondering why I'm saying 24 pages instead of 50 like I said originally, it's because my FULL pilot is actually two episodes made to fill an hour block.)