What If I Pass Away - Tumblr Posts

six-white-venus
6 months ago

ocd makes my brain melt

“OCD makes my brain melt,” a piece talking about a personal struggle with obsessive-compulsive disorder and the conflicting emotions it brings forth when one gives into their mind, but against their will.

When I find myself folding clothes when it isn’t a Sunday, I – more or less – think of the same three things:
1. I hate emotions. I hate the way I cannot seem to have them and I hate the way I think less of myself when I do feel them. I hate emotions. “Hatred, too, is an emotion.”
2. There are always two sides to one coin. Youth can feel like it goes by too slowly, yet I only have 18 months of it left, and it filters through my fingers like black sand. Emotions are but distractions, distractions are but human. I am somewhere between wanting to pick my skin apart and soothing swollen cuts. I hate irregularity, yet here I stand, on a Friday, rolling t-shirts and hanging jackets. “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
3. Everything I do is practiced. I grew up unequal, incongruent. I grew up practising 90-degree angles, squares and straight lines. I grew up less than, so I do more than necessary. Everything I do has all my head and none of my heart. Everything I do is muscle memory. “I feel safer.”
I hate emotions, but emotions are human. I am human. I hate confusion, but we are all graceful in our chaos. I hate spontaneity, but everything is in stride. When the clouds crack open and bring the leaves of trees sinking down, I’ll catch a few in an open palm, as a reminder that something has to be there for it to go.
It is okay to be less than. It is okay to be too much. And it is okay to just be.
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