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The Door Knocker Considers Retirement.
Since Aurélie's birthday didn't get a mention in Villain (because of er, reasons pertaining to angst), I wanted to honour the occasion with a oneshot. This was supposed to be super duper fluffy, but for reasons pertaining to my chaos brain not knowing how to be normal, uh… this happened instead.
Content warnings: none, just some good old fashioned sfw chaos in which a birthday gift goes horribly awry and the door knocker cops a fist to the beak. Sebastian x Garreth rivalry. Sebastian Sallow x F!OC Aurélie Collins.
Word count: 2.3k
Preview: The girls’ screamed like banshee's, pushing and shoving each other in their desperation to flee. One of them fell over, dragging two of her friends down with her. The door knocker let out an almighty screech as another girl somehow punched it square in the beak. Somebody was crying for their mother.
When January twenty-sixth finally rolled around, frozen over with snow and misery, Aurélie woke early in her dorm (as was usual) with cold fingers and toes (also usual) determined that she would have the most usual, non-eventful, non-birthdayish day that it was possible for anyone to have.
Unfortunately, life at Hogwarts was neither usual nor non-eventful, for the second her feet touched the cold floor, she was assaulted with a rousing 'Happy birthday!' from the bunk above her. A moment later, a potted Dittany popped through Samantha's bed curtains, followed shortly by her smiling face.
'I've been lying awake for ages waiting for you to wake up!' she grinned, hopping lightly from her bunk and bequeathing the potted plant like a crown. 'I grew this one especially for you! I'm not sure why, but ever since you arrived, my Dittany's have been growing exceptionally well.'
Months earlier, Aurélie had found a thriving Dittany to replace the half-dead specimen of Samantha's she'd accidentally poofed into the ether, and Samantha, as expected, had attributed the miraculous recovery of her sick plant to an equally miraculous recovery of her questionable Herbology skills. Now, considering herself something of an expert, she'd taken to gifting her friends so many Dittany plants that the common room, according to Everett Clopton, was beginning to resemble that of the Hufflepuff's. Little did anyone realise that Aurélie, feeling a sense of misplaced responsibility, had been secretly keeping them all alive with little offshoots of her Ancient Magic whenever she could.
'Oh, um, thank you,' said Aurélie, accepting her gift, and ultimately her fate to endure unwanted birthday wishes with as much grace as she could muster. 'But how did you know it was my birthday?'
Though she asked the question, she hardly needed an answer: the funny feeling in her tummy, something halfway between fluttering butterflies and angry ants, told her that one tenacious, freckled Slytherin boy was behind this most egregious betrayal of highly personal information. After all, Aurélie had made it a point — a point! – not to disclose her birthday to anyone, not even to Sebastian, who, despite his studious need to learn her like she was the most interesting book he'd ever read, had never actually asked when it was. — Which, now that she thought about it, should've been the first clue that he already knew.
She didn't have to wait long to find out.
Expecting the worst, she was unsurprised to find her trio of unlikely companions waiting for her outside the Ravenclaw common room: Mouse, small and, well, mousey; Poppy, who squealed with delight while brandishing what was clearly a birthday gift; and Sebastian, who knew he was in trouble by the look Aurélie sent him.
‘Happy birthday!’ Poppy sang, throwing her arms around Aurélie's middle with a force that almost sent them toppling over.
‘Thank you,’ she returned flatly, leveling Sebastian a glare over Poppy's shoulder. ‘How ever did you know?’
While Poppy flat-out ignored the question, Sebastian returned her glare with one of his slow-spreading smiles that made her chest tighten and her stomach flip.
Stupid handsome smile.
‘Happy birthday,’ he said once she was freed from Poppy's tight embrace. He made no move to touch her, but his fingers flexed and his eyes had that gleam in them that said I want to kiss you ‘til you can't remember your own name.
She promptly averted her attention, trying to ignore the way her heart was beating all over her body by politely refusing the gift Poppy was pressing into her hands.
‘This is from all of us,’ Poppy said breathlessly. ‘The Hufflepuff's, I mean. We all put in for it. It's a book!’ She bounced excitedly on the balls of her feet. ‘Because, well, you are a Ravenclaw, but it's a pretty book, because you're French and —’
‘Why don't you let her open it first, Poppy,’ Sebastian cut in, while at the same time, Mouse scurried forward to present her with a half-empty box of chocolate frogs, and Samantha Dale popped her head out from the common room to tell her, ‘I've just set your Dittany by the windowsill, Aurélie. They always used to die whenever I left them there, but now they absolutely thrive! It's the strangest thing. — Oh, hello Poppy, Sebastian! What's that you've got there? Another birthday gift? Well, go on, then, open it!’
Suddenly surrounded by a small, eager audience, Aurélie had no choice but to unwrap the gift while Poppy shuffled impatiently from foot to foot, and Mouse stole another chocolate frog from the box under her arm, and Sebastian watched with far, far too much amusement for someone who was minutes away from dealing with a very unhappy girlfriend.
Prepared to discover the aforementioned book as she peeled back the plain brown wrapping paper, she was instead met with something brown and hairy that growled at her. She froze, clutching the book-shaped thing in her hands while Samantha shrieked and Poppy spluttered in confusion.
Immediately, Sebastian elbowed his way closer.
‘What is that?’ he demanded, snatching the half-wrapped thing from her hands. ‘Poppy, what the fu—’
But he was cut short when the thing tore through the wrapping paper, leapt to the ground and began scuttling around on spindly little legs: not a book, but some sort of narrow, semi-sentient wooden chest.
Poppy was beside herself. ‘That's not the gift I wrapped yesterday!’ she wailed as Sebastian made a lunge for it. ‘I don't understand! What happened to the book?’
‘Don't worry about that now!’ Sebastian cried, leaping out of the way as the thing came for his ankles. ‘Just help me catch it!’
Somewhere in the midst of the chaos, Samantha Dale disappeared and Mouse made off with Aurélie's box of chocolates, leaving the three of them to deal with the rogue gift on their own.
‘Quick, usher it towards me!’ Sebastian, brandishing his wand, wore the same unadulterated expression of glee he often wore in Crossed Wands sessions. Given his propensity for fire spells, Aurélie thought it unlikely the Ravenclaw tower would go unscorched for much longer.
As if sensing its impending death-by-Slytherin, the thing made a wide circle around them, but when it turned abruptly and came for Aurélie, she shrieked in panic, hopping absurdly on the spot as it nipped at her shoes.
Sebastian launched into action. Diving toward her, he caught her by the waist and scooped her off the ground.
‘OI!’ he shouted, aiming a kick that connected with empty air. 'That's my girlfriend, you numpty!’
The thing took off again, growling chaotically as it went. Poppy, quicker on her feet than she looked, diverted it away from the stairs, but no sooner had she cornered it by the common room door did a group of fourth-year Ravenclaw's decide that now was the best time to make their way down to breakfast. Seeking an out, the thing made a bolt for the open door behind them, inspiring a chorus of horrified squeals and shouts as it scampered clumsily around the girls’ feet.
‘What is that?’ one of them shrieked.
‘It's a giant rat!’ another screamed, completely losing her head.
Pandemonium ensued.
The girls’ screamed like banshee's, pushing and shoving each other in their desperation to flee. One of them fell over, dragging two of her friends down with her. The door knocker let out an almighty screech as another girl somehow punched it square in the beak. Somebody was crying for their mother.
‘Shut the door!’ Sebastian roared over the screaming, but nobody listened. Swearing under his breath, he cast a well-aimed Accio that slammed the door closed before the thing could disappear into Ravenclaw tower. Running full tilt, it had no time to correct its course — it smacked bang into the closed door, bounced onto its back and flailed its little legs about like a hapless turtle caught on its shell. Aurélie seized the opportunity and hit it with a rather forceful Levioso, launching it upwards like a spring. Spinning wildly through the air, it smashed against the ceiling only to come barrelling back toward them at full speed.
‘Duck!’ Sebastian yelled, yanking her down.
The thing whizzed by, missing their heads by an inch. Unperturbed, Sebastian leapt up and cast another Accio as the last of the screaming Ravenclaw's fled to safety down the winding staircase, catching it before it could sail off after them to terrorise the school proper.
‘Gotcha!’ he said triumphantly. The thing, trembling in his grip, gave a pitiful little whine.
‘Don't hurt it!’ Aurélie fretted.
Sebastian threw her quite possibly the most incredulous side eye he'd ever cast and was ever likely to cast again. ‘It's not an animal, Aura!’
‘It's got legs though, doesn't it?’ Poppy panted, rushing over with her robes askew.
‘Yeah, so do tables and chairs but you don't go around worrying for their well being, do you?’ Holding it at arm's length, Sebastian studied the thing with a funny mix of curiosity, admiration, and mild disgust as it shook timidly in his hands, whimpering like some sort of cursed jewellery box for werewolves. ‘What is this thing, anyway?’
Poppy wrung her hands in distress. ‘I have no idea,’ she wailed, ‘but I swear to you, Aurélie, this is not the book I wrapped last — wait —’
Suddenly, her face went slack and her mouth fell open in horror, and as if on cue, Garreth Weasley came bolting up the marble stairs, red faced and so out of breath he could only flap his hands and grunt for several moments. Sebastian pointed his wand at him. Aurélie pushed it away.
‘Poppy —!’ Garreth gasped, gripping her shoulder while he fought valiantly not to asphyxiate. ‘Poppy — thank Godric I found you — the packages —’ He bent over double, resting his hands on his knees. ‘How — the bloody hell — do Ravenclaw's — live like this —’
Tucked under his arm was a book-shaped package, wrapped in brown paper much like the one Aurélie had just been gifted. Sebastian snatched it up with his free hand.
‘You,’ he growled. ‘I should have known this was your doing.’
Garreth looked up, his eyes falling first onto Sebastian's seething expression and then onto the package clutched in his hands. ‘Ah,’ he gulped. ‘I see you've found my Weasley's Wonders Potion Safe.’
‘Your what?’ demanded Sebastian as Aurélie caught his wand hand by the wrist again.
‘No, Sebastian,’ she hissed. Sebastian pouted.
‘Seems there was a mix up with our conveniently identical-looking packages when we spoke in the Great Hall yesterday, Poppy,’ Garreth explained with a sheepish grin.
Sebastian's expression was livid. ‘This monstrosity is yours?’
‘Hey, now!’ Garreth made a grab for it, but Sebastian held it out of reach. ‘It's a work in progress, alright?’
‘It almost ate my girlfriend!’
‘Look, it's not dangerous, it's just a new product I've been working on. Not a potion — obviously, you can see that, but a potion safe. Weasley's Wonders Potion Safe,’ he said with a flourish. When three pairs of eyes stared blankly back at him, he hurried on to explain, ‘It's a portable lockbox to store all your rare ingredients and keep your concoctions safe from the prying eyes of your competitors. It's supposed to, uh, be a bit aggressive about protecting its contents, you see,’ he added, grimacing as the thing snarled at him. ‘As I said, it's a work in progress.’
‘Why's it got legs if you're trying to keep your potions safe?’ Sebastian scowled.
‘And why is it hairy?’ Poppy put it.
‘That — uh, well, those were all accidental. I'm trying to figure out how to get rid of them, actually — the legs and, uh, the hair. I was going for something with a bit of bite, you know, but I don't think it's very, uh, marketable in its current state. Anyway!’ He extended his hand. ‘I'm happy to take it off your hands and get out of your hair.’
Sebastian squinted at him, and Aurélie could practically hear the Slytherin cogs whirring around in his brain; her hand tightened around his wrist lest he decide hexing a Gryffindor was more desirable than blackmailing one.
‘Maybe I should return this to your aunt,’ he said, evidently deciding on the latter.
Garreth rolled his eyes. ‘Bloody Slytherin's,’ he muttered darkly. ‘What do you want, Sallow? If it's gold, I have none.’
‘Pffsh, I don't want gold. I want a duel.’
‘What?’ Aurélie turned to him. ‘Oh, please no duelling, Sebastian,’ she implored while Poppy practically vibrated with excitement beside her. ‘Not today.’
‘No, not today,’ he replied, softening a little. ‘I have special plans for today.’
This time, it was her heart that summersaulted over itself. Stupid charming Slytherin with his eyes and his face.
‘Won't be much of a victory for you, Sallow,’ Garreth said. ‘I'm rubbish at duelling. Unless —’ his expression brightened considerably, ‘— we forgo the norm and employ the use of some fun additions.’
Sebastian quirked a brow. ‘Such as?’
‘Such as my Weasley's Wonder's Combat Potions!’
‘You want us to… throw potions at each other?’
‘Trust me, once you see these babies in action, you'll be begging me for an order form.’
‘I doubt that, but fine,’ Sebastian conceded, handing the so-called potion safe back to its master. ‘I'll owl you the time and place.’
‘Brilliant!’ Garreth nodded triumphantly as if he'd just completed a lucrative business deal. ‘Oh, and by the way…’ he adding, turning to Aurélie with a wink, and before Sebastian could say absolutely fucking not, he withdrew (with much difficulty) a sparkling lilac potion from within the growling box. ‘Happy birthday!’
Aurélie felt her ears grow warm with fresh indignation. Even Garreth bloody Weasley knew it was her birthday?
‘Have you got a fucking death wish, Weasley?’ Sebastian snarled, raising his wand again. ‘I told you to keep your experiments away from her!’
Garreth gave a dramatic start. ‘Welp, best be off!’ he said, taking the stairs two at a time. ‘Sorry again about the mishap! Won't happen again. Oh, do let me know how you get on with that potion, Aurélie. It's designed to help the drinker face a truth they've been avoiding — like having an overbearing, arrogant Slytherin twat as a boyfriend.’
Sebastian took off after him. ‘Weasley, you prat, I've changed my mind! Duel me right now, you coward!’